Faded,
Beutiful post, thank you.
Richey,
I know you are not asking for advice however i just wanted to comment on what you said:
"Its hard for me around folks i know because they know all my faults and weaknesses so with strangers its like starting fresh"
I used to think just like this, however, its just not true.
Its harder for you around people you know because you 'think' they know all your faults and weaknesses. They dont. What you are doing is relating to how you see yourself, only you can, and projecting onto the minds of other people thinking this is what they think of you.
i'll let you into a secret, dont tell anyone ;-)
you are invisible to the minds of the ordinary people of this world, why? Because no-one really sees you, they see a projected version of you, a hologram of who they think you are, projected from their own mind. This version of you they see is not the 'you' that you relate to so its like when you speak to others they are talking to a different person.
For example someone could see you as funny, witty, beutiful, confident, yet what you see is different. The 'you' you relate to is not realistic. In other words, your self image is negative, like a lot of peoples. This leads to negative self talk and you imagine this is how other people see you. It isnt. They relate to you from how their mind sees you or projects you. Even people you have known for years, only you will ever really know your self.
My family members dont know the real 'me' they see someone different because their minds see somebody different yet we both relate to these two different people as if they were one, they arent. This is the deception.
No-one has ever seen you.
Jack