Weddings

[Horatio]

Today I had to make one of the toughest decisions I've had to make in a long time. A week out from his wedding I called one of my very best friends to tell him that I'm not going to be able to make it.

I've been over thinking this for weeks and ultimately I had to come to this decision as I'm struggling even with small amounts of interaction and the prospect of traveling out of town for six days into an environment where I will only know a couple of people just seems too beyond what I can cope with.

The added complications include that one of the only other people I know that will be there is a guy I've had a rocky friendship with as he has his own mental health issues and they sometimes manifest themselves in the form of him continually telling me what a loser I am. Another factor that I had to consider is that the wedding is being held in a town that I lived in during my secondary school days and it is a place that to me brings nothing but memories of the pain and suffering that I received from the fists and boots of my peers who were the first to put me into my place in this world.

My psychiatrist warned me that I was likely going to beat myself up over the decision and well, she was more right than ever. I have tears streaming down my face and I can't stop.

This is a friend that I value extremely highly and I couldn't even get through this to be part of the most important day of his life. If I'm 28 years old and can't be there for him then I don't know what good I will ever be to anyone. I've never felt so pathetic and to put my own weaknesses before a friendship like that makes me feel extremely selfish.

I know that he will try and understand because he is good like that but I also know how disappointed he will be. It is one of those once in a lifetime things that I know I will always regret but I just can't see myself getting through it.

Has anyone else had to make a gut wrenching decision like this? Any advice on how to cope with it?

 

[agoraphobickatie]

i can relate more than you know.. i just went through the exact same thing a week ago =/ my very best friend got married saturday and i didn't make it to her wedding... she and i were born 10 days apart, and we have literally been friends since we were born, her mother took care of us as babies. she knows i struggle with anxiety and agoraphobia, but i had been doing so well up until the beginning of this year and i just couldn't bring myself to tell her what all i've been going through..

originally, i was a bridesmaid in her wedding, but i couldn't afford to buy a dress because i haven't been working, so she replaced me. two days before her wedding, i decided that i just wouldn't be able to go because i've had such bad agoraphobia lately and haven't been able to leave the house at all.. her wedding was only about 40 minutes away, but it's hard for me to leave the house and go to the store that is literally 30 seconds away.. so i can't even imagine going out of town and spending more than a few hours, much less days there.. i wrote her a message and sent it to her, i told her i love her and wish only the best for her and she deserves great things in her future.. and i haven't heard from her since =/

i know we'll be fine, i'll eventually talk to her soon and things will be smoothed over.. you can't beat yourself up for too long, though.. it won't do you any good whatsoever. just know that this is a hard time in your life, it is a real struggle for you, and you'll just have to work on it. know that someday, if we work hard and push through our fears little by little, we can be better, and you will get chances to right your wrongs. you will have opportunities that you can say you were glad to conquer.. just look forward to those days and put this one in the past. it is unfortunate that you can't make it, and i know you and your friend would want you to be there, but essentially, his wedding day is about him and his wife. years and years down the road, it will still be about him and his wife, it won't be about the guests who did or did not attend...

i hope i helped some =/ just know that there are plenty of people who can relate, and we will all have to get through it someday

 

[kihira]

While he will be disappointed, it will be balanced out with heaps of other enjoyment - so it is probably not such a big deal to him as you are feeling; there will be other moments in your friendship to enjoy together in the future.

With occasions like this, one path is to treat is as a challenge and face the task, do your best and learn from it; the other is to say "no, I'm not up to this at the moment, it will do more damage than good" - both paths are ok; as long as someone isn't always saying no then its perfectly ok to say "no", its not being weak, its looking after yourself

 

[nicole1]

I had this problem at a scholarship dinner.... I usually feel comfy sitting next to my mom but we were at diff tables. So, I sat next to strangers and had to go on a damn stage... I patted myself on the back for doing ok but....then the anxiety came.

The best you could do is just put on a brave face and suffer later, if you want to. But I've freaked out and not gone to tons of places before. Like work or a family gathering. Small or big...I do feel this same way. Think about it. Try to decide if I'll be ok...

 

[Horatio]

i can relate more than you know..

Sorry to hear that you recently faced a similar dilemma I know how heart wrenching it can be.

I can completely relate re: going to the store being difficult so how can one comprehend going to a large event like a wedding. I live alone and most weekends I go without seeing or talking to anyone. Going to the shop or for a walk down the road is often too much for me.

About a month ago I went to another friends wedding. It was much closer and I went for only the ceremony and the first part of the reception, leaving as soon as I could. I was drugged up like anything. Although I was very glad to be there for my friend it was also extremely uncomfortable in parts and I beat myself up about it for days and days afterwards.

This time I want to go even more but simply don't think I can handle four days traveling and two days in another town like that with no personal space to 'retreat to' easily.

I got a gut wrenching message from my friend asking me to reconsider and that I was to be mentioned in the ceremony etc. I want to be there so bad but I feel I'm in a real dangerous place at the moment and I don't want to 'snap' somewhere where I can't bury my head under the pillow for 40 hours if i have to.