MsBuzzkillington
Well-known member
Last night I had a really horrible night. Tried getting to sleep after awhile, but I only got about three hours. I guess that's kind of good considering most people who can't sleep get less? I don't know So, I just need to vent out my feelings. I was going to do it in the "how are you feeling" thread, to prevent cluttering things up with a new thread, but I think it's a bit too long. So anyway... here comes the wall of textesess.
Last night was pretty bad. There is this group of people I have been hanging out with and playing board games with for a couple months now. It's really been just me going over there to play board games and leaving, not much else. I have been trying to talk to others in the group but it's been a really slow and difficult process. In particular there were two really cute and funny guys that I had developed mini crushes on. I had tried getting their facebooks and then messaging them and then trying to get their numbers and finally after a few weeks of work and waiting one of them finally text messaged me back. We will call him Mike. I actually had given my number to one of them awhile ago but he never text messaged me but I finally got (with his permission of course) his number and tried texting him a bit, we will call him Tank.
During one of our hang outs it was brought up that Tank has SA. He also had the same kind of "doesn't like to be touched" thing that I do, so I kind of felt a pretty close connection in at least he was someone I could relate to.
Mike is suuuuper cute, suuuuuper funny, and suuuuuper nice. Just a really fantastic person. So sweet. bleh. I was so exited when he text messaged me Wednesday night and we text messaged and made plans to hang out on Thursday (last night). It was mostly a plan to get the group together and play board games. I figured it would be the usual couple people and it would be pretty fun. But I was definitely wrong.
They brought in a new girl, someone from their past that they haven't seen in awhile but just so happened to have a free night last night. As soon as I saw her I was defeated, I wanted to go home. I am really awful at meeting new people and when it's unexpected it's way worse. But I figured it would be okay because she seemed pretty nice. Well, straight off the bat her and Mike started flirting and it was intense flirting. It wasn't really that bad until we got into the car to drive to a gamers spot place where we could hang out and play the board game. In the car, it was awful. Lots and lots and lots and lots of giggling and flirting, lots.... and lots. I wanted to leave, I wanted to go... but I was trapped.
One of those feelings of wanting to get out of there but not wanting to ruin anyone's fun.
The first gaming place we went to was actually technically closed but they said that we could stick around and play our games until they finished up. I thought it was really nice of them and it was basically just the owners and their friends playing a game. Then we come in and our group was SOOOOO loud. Mike and the girl were flirting SO loudly. We played one round of hit the deck which is basically like uno and slapjack. I really don't like the slapping part of the game but I like uno. We played one round of that and someone else was going to meet us at another place. Someone in the group said "we'll play one more round and then go" and I was like NO! please! let's go now. I couldn't handle being in that super loud environment in a little tiny quiet place, at all. I felt like we were intruding. I don't know if the other people really cared out not, but it still made me feel like I was going to burst.
We actually ended up driving down to close by where I live. They said "Let's go to Gamers Inn" and I was like wait... what? isn't that in Mesa? But by then it was already too late. We were about... 30 minutes or so away from the place/ where my car was so it was quite a drive for me to get up there.
I seriously considered asking them to drop me off at home before we went to the Gamer's Inn and I would just figure out what to do with my car another day. But, I really didn't want things to be weird and I didn't want them to ask question and I didn't want them to try and convince me to stay. Not saying anyone actually wanted me there, just saying normally people are like "aww nooo!" just out of sympathy.
So I kept quiet and we went off to the place and it was just... lots and lots of flirting. Then another who was also in the car with me was like "wow they're flirting a lot, it's pretty crazy" blah blah blah they're flirting a lot." "blah blah another joke about them flirting" It didn't help.
When we got there I basically just shrunk as close to the corner as possible. I was looking forward to seeing Tank to come because I figured he would be someone I could relate to and could "save me" from these people. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone there who understands. Everyone was being quite loud so it was all kind of overwhelming. But when he got there, guess what? Yeah he started flirting with the new girl too. I guess it was some girl they hung out with a long time ago, maybe or a year ago or something so it had been awhile since anyone had seen her. Lots of flirting, lots of laughing, lots of playful touching.
Besides feeling intense jealousy that these two guys I was interested were falling over this new girl, I was also jealous that this new girl was so comfortable with being out going and flirty. It made me feel horrible about myself. Lots and lots of negative thoughts started going through my head. Like, this girl is "normal" she is able to make friends easily and I can't. I can't be that friendly and outgoing. People want people like her around and not people like me. It took me months to try and get comfortable enough with these people to make jokes and talk. She was able to do it in a couple of hours. She got both guys phone numbers too. They were like eager to trade numbers with her.
I am guessing that her and Mike are going to start dating. I mean, I can be happy for people who find someone they connect with but at the same time, I really kind of wanted that to be me.
I don't know. Feeling horrible. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be around them. I was feeling like I was just a waste of space. That I didn't really deserve to be there, that people there don't actually want me around. I am the boring one, I am the one who comes and no on cares about notices, the one that no one wants to hang out with again. The one that no one peruses to get their phone number. People couldn't care less about me. I fail, fail, fail, at socializing. Sometimes I think I am making progress and I think I am doing a really good job and then I run into someone like her who manages to make friends in minutes and have people say "wow hehehe she's so fun!" and it reminds me that I have so far to go and I am so messed up.
I wish I could be like her, I wish I could be that care free.
But nope, just the quiet girl in the corner who doesn't talk and no one sees.
The dumb thoughts that creep in my head after a night like this too are so extreme. Like, Mike and her are going to start dating and date for year. They are going to fall in love and I am not going to talk to him again ever. Him and her are going to text 3000 times a day and hit it off so great and I am going to be the loser again. She is also going to text Tank a lot and they are all three going to become fantastic friends. I see last night as the night that everything changed, that she became the one they wanted around and people finally realized what a loser I am. People finally realized how they don't actually need to invite me around because now they have someone like her.
I mean, in reality it doesn't even matter if they start texting a lot. If they do, so what? If they hit it off that great, so what? Why should I let it bother me? But it does and it makes me feel awful and it just replays over and over and over again in my head.
Near the end of the night before the drive back, I had enough. I thought about the long drive up and the long drive back I was going to have to take home. So I asked them to drop me off at home. The other guy who's house my car was parked at said he wouldn't mind me leaving my car there and he wouldn't mind picking me up of I couldn't get a ride up there. So that was really nice and understanding of him. I am glad he was in there to help me out in that part, although I wish I would have said it a lot sooner. I thought about walking home because it was only about 2.5 miles away or so.
They hung out about 3 more hours after I left. Part of me is sad I missed out on such a fun night, said I didn't take advantage of the time I had there and the other part of me is grateful that I finally got out of there.
I feel like a big black hole is in my heart right now.
There was always a moment last night where I was thinking that I could turn things around. That I could stop wallowing in the sadness, it wasn't the end of the world, this didn't mean I couldn't still have fun... and I could just push myself and be happy and be involved. But doing that, is so scary. It's so scary to let go of the sadness and I don't really know why, it's not logical to stay all mopey and quiet.
Last night was pretty bad. There is this group of people I have been hanging out with and playing board games with for a couple months now. It's really been just me going over there to play board games and leaving, not much else. I have been trying to talk to others in the group but it's been a really slow and difficult process. In particular there were two really cute and funny guys that I had developed mini crushes on. I had tried getting their facebooks and then messaging them and then trying to get their numbers and finally after a few weeks of work and waiting one of them finally text messaged me back. We will call him Mike. I actually had given my number to one of them awhile ago but he never text messaged me but I finally got (with his permission of course) his number and tried texting him a bit, we will call him Tank.
During one of our hang outs it was brought up that Tank has SA. He also had the same kind of "doesn't like to be touched" thing that I do, so I kind of felt a pretty close connection in at least he was someone I could relate to.
Mike is suuuuper cute, suuuuuper funny, and suuuuuper nice. Just a really fantastic person. So sweet. bleh. I was so exited when he text messaged me Wednesday night and we text messaged and made plans to hang out on Thursday (last night). It was mostly a plan to get the group together and play board games. I figured it would be the usual couple people and it would be pretty fun. But I was definitely wrong.
They brought in a new girl, someone from their past that they haven't seen in awhile but just so happened to have a free night last night. As soon as I saw her I was defeated, I wanted to go home. I am really awful at meeting new people and when it's unexpected it's way worse. But I figured it would be okay because she seemed pretty nice. Well, straight off the bat her and Mike started flirting and it was intense flirting. It wasn't really that bad until we got into the car to drive to a gamers spot place where we could hang out and play the board game. In the car, it was awful. Lots and lots and lots and lots of giggling and flirting, lots.... and lots. I wanted to leave, I wanted to go... but I was trapped.
One of those feelings of wanting to get out of there but not wanting to ruin anyone's fun.
The first gaming place we went to was actually technically closed but they said that we could stick around and play our games until they finished up. I thought it was really nice of them and it was basically just the owners and their friends playing a game. Then we come in and our group was SOOOOO loud. Mike and the girl were flirting SO loudly. We played one round of hit the deck which is basically like uno and slapjack. I really don't like the slapping part of the game but I like uno. We played one round of that and someone else was going to meet us at another place. Someone in the group said "we'll play one more round and then go" and I was like NO! please! let's go now. I couldn't handle being in that super loud environment in a little tiny quiet place, at all. I felt like we were intruding. I don't know if the other people really cared out not, but it still made me feel like I was going to burst.
We actually ended up driving down to close by where I live. They said "Let's go to Gamers Inn" and I was like wait... what? isn't that in Mesa? But by then it was already too late. We were about... 30 minutes or so away from the place/ where my car was so it was quite a drive for me to get up there.
I seriously considered asking them to drop me off at home before we went to the Gamer's Inn and I would just figure out what to do with my car another day. But, I really didn't want things to be weird and I didn't want them to ask question and I didn't want them to try and convince me to stay. Not saying anyone actually wanted me there, just saying normally people are like "aww nooo!" just out of sympathy.
So I kept quiet and we went off to the place and it was just... lots and lots of flirting. Then another who was also in the car with me was like "wow they're flirting a lot, it's pretty crazy" blah blah blah they're flirting a lot." "blah blah another joke about them flirting" It didn't help.
When we got there I basically just shrunk as close to the corner as possible. I was looking forward to seeing Tank to come because I figured he would be someone I could relate to and could "save me" from these people. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone there who understands. Everyone was being quite loud so it was all kind of overwhelming. But when he got there, guess what? Yeah he started flirting with the new girl too. I guess it was some girl they hung out with a long time ago, maybe or a year ago or something so it had been awhile since anyone had seen her. Lots of flirting, lots of laughing, lots of playful touching.
Besides feeling intense jealousy that these two guys I was interested were falling over this new girl, I was also jealous that this new girl was so comfortable with being out going and flirty. It made me feel horrible about myself. Lots and lots of negative thoughts started going through my head. Like, this girl is "normal" she is able to make friends easily and I can't. I can't be that friendly and outgoing. People want people like her around and not people like me. It took me months to try and get comfortable enough with these people to make jokes and talk. She was able to do it in a couple of hours. She got both guys phone numbers too. They were like eager to trade numbers with her.
I am guessing that her and Mike are going to start dating. I mean, I can be happy for people who find someone they connect with but at the same time, I really kind of wanted that to be me.
I don't know. Feeling horrible. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be around them. I was feeling like I was just a waste of space. That I didn't really deserve to be there, that people there don't actually want me around. I am the boring one, I am the one who comes and no on cares about notices, the one that no one wants to hang out with again. The one that no one peruses to get their phone number. People couldn't care less about me. I fail, fail, fail, at socializing. Sometimes I think I am making progress and I think I am doing a really good job and then I run into someone like her who manages to make friends in minutes and have people say "wow hehehe she's so fun!" and it reminds me that I have so far to go and I am so messed up.
I wish I could be like her, I wish I could be that care free.
But nope, just the quiet girl in the corner who doesn't talk and no one sees.
The dumb thoughts that creep in my head after a night like this too are so extreme. Like, Mike and her are going to start dating and date for year. They are going to fall in love and I am not going to talk to him again ever. Him and her are going to text 3000 times a day and hit it off so great and I am going to be the loser again. She is also going to text Tank a lot and they are all three going to become fantastic friends. I see last night as the night that everything changed, that she became the one they wanted around and people finally realized what a loser I am. People finally realized how they don't actually need to invite me around because now they have someone like her.
I mean, in reality it doesn't even matter if they start texting a lot. If they do, so what? If they hit it off that great, so what? Why should I let it bother me? But it does and it makes me feel awful and it just replays over and over and over again in my head.
Near the end of the night before the drive back, I had enough. I thought about the long drive up and the long drive back I was going to have to take home. So I asked them to drop me off at home. The other guy who's house my car was parked at said he wouldn't mind me leaving my car there and he wouldn't mind picking me up of I couldn't get a ride up there. So that was really nice and understanding of him. I am glad he was in there to help me out in that part, although I wish I would have said it a lot sooner. I thought about walking home because it was only about 2.5 miles away or so.
They hung out about 3 more hours after I left. Part of me is sad I missed out on such a fun night, said I didn't take advantage of the time I had there and the other part of me is grateful that I finally got out of there.
I feel like a big black hole is in my heart right now.
There was always a moment last night where I was thinking that I could turn things around. That I could stop wallowing in the sadness, it wasn't the end of the world, this didn't mean I couldn't still have fun... and I could just push myself and be happy and be involved. But doing that, is so scary. It's so scary to let go of the sadness and I don't really know why, it's not logical to stay all mopey and quiet.
