Vent/Rambling Sesh.

[veggielover]

Well, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this or the right place to be, but I just need to get this out and see if anyone feels the same way.

Everyday goes by like nothing happened, everyday I wake up thinking..."oh great, another day to get through." I want to have meaning in my life, I want to have something to wake up for, but I don't have that right now. I want to have a reason to live. I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to make a difference in my life. Everyday I look in the mirror and I'm unhappy.

I want to lose weight and I want to make it a habit to go to the gym, but something is missing. I know that losing weight and being at my ideal body weight would really improve my self esteem. I know it. I just don't know how to get there. It feels like I can never lose weight. I'm not happy with who I am right now. I feel like I've never been truly happy and I've always had a reason to feel bad for myself. I want to be happy and I want to be able to make others happy. I want to keep relationships and not feel like I ever push people away.

I just wish something would click and things would become easier. I don't know what to do with myself. There are some days where I just want to take all my stuff and run away somewhere, but I know I would never really go through with it. I'm just sick of being around the people that I've been around all my life. I want a new beginning, but I don't know how to even start. I want to feel good about myself, but I never do anything to improve it. I want to radiate positive energy rather than keep everything inside or give someone the burden of telling them my own sob story. People don't want to hear others' sob stories. I feel like people feel bad for those who can't seem to find a good place in their life, and I feel self conscious to ever tell anyone how I really feel about myself and where I'm at.

I'm trying to feel better about myself, but when I'm surrounded by girls that are prettier, more lively, more social, and overall better to be around than me, it's like I don't even want to try anymore. I'm sick of being me. I wish I could be a different person. I always get choked up when I want to say something or I just pretend that I'm having a good time. I wish I could tell people how I really feel instead of coming up with something different. Oh and the worst question is when someone asks "what are you thinking right now?" or "what's on your mind?". All I can ever say is "nothing" when really it's stupid self-conscious thoughts that aren't worth talking about. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I hate being so quiet and not being able think of things to talk about.

This is specifically talking about a guy I'm seeing and the friends I'm surrounded with. I go out to parties, but I'm always self conscious about the people I'm with because they're so much more social and outgoing than I am. I'm scared that the guy I'm seeing will be more attracted to them because of their more outgoing personalities and he's going to realize that I'm just a bore who can never say what she wants to say. I think I like this guy a lot and I want him to like me back. Things seem to be going well, but I always have doubts and I always find a reason to think things are going wrong. I really hate all of my thoughts but I need to get them out.

 

[veggielover]

I apologize for this being so long, but I could write for days. Thanks if you did take the time to read it.

 

[skins]

i actually read all of your post, hooray for that...first going by youre profile pic, you really are quite attractive!! so you need to put things into perspective...if your current partner doesn't work out, then you should have no trouble finding somone else..sure some guys might not be suited to your quiet demeaner, but if thats the case then they arn't suited to you then are they? the old cliche' they need to love you for you and 'plenty more fish in the sea', rings ture...let them run off with the extroverts if they wish, its their loss...with your good looks, there should be a line up of guys waiting for you...also atleast youre getting invited to parties, some of us arn't lucky enough to have many friends in the first place.

i too find myself waking up everymorning thinking my life has no meaning, "here we go again another day to have to get through"...youre just stuck in a rut is all...its not easy to get out of a rut, theres no easy way out, no easy solution...you just need to acknowledge it and say i wont get out of this overnight but if i commit myself to try and change my life for the better, then one day it will happen...just take small baby steps at first, tackle one thing at a time...you need to ask yourself if you want to join a gym or loose weight is there anything really holding me back except for anxiety and/or lack of motivation? and if so atleast allow yourself the opportunity to give it a go and see if these things are really holding you back as much as you first thought? i go to a gym regularly and can assure you the endorphine rush after a workout really is a good mood booster. the first step of actually joining is the hardest. sure some days its hard to find the motivation to go, but then you dont need to go everyday. just try it and you'll see how much you will enjoy it..goodluck

 

[Feathers]

gosh, honey, you're really cute and girls like you are happily married all over the world! (You remind me a bit of some ex-classmates, all happily married, with careers and families..)

You know what, some of the 'soo sociable' people are really annoying!! Even my dad confessed he didn't marry (or even ask out) a very talkative very gorgeous woman (she lives locally) - because she talked too much!! There you go..
Not all guys want chatterboxes, many in fact prefer more quiet people that are easier to hang out with and actually live with!!

so, fingers crossed for you two, or if it doesn't work out, for someone better!!

If you're not really compatible, it's better to find someone else - don't adapt to him too much in the most important things!

Have you tried experimenting with nutrition? I find my head is soo much clearer on gluten-free/milk-free.. or with enough omega 3.. Or with enough magnesium and other good vitamins/minerals.. or after a walk/jog, yup..

Maybe you can also come up with a fun list of things to talk about? Like something silly and random? Or what other people are interested in too?

I can relate to what you write about the girls etc a bit. I learnt through hanging out with some gorgeous friends or relatives that apparently I have some qualities they don't. (And I don't snore That much, uhm?) So, think about your qualities that separate you from them.

Someone who just goes for a 'pretty package' can be disappointed if there's no real substance or some odd character traits or other things beneath that 'facade'.. Those girls may only 'look' perfect, you don't know what's beneath that.. and many may have even worse self-image or BDD and just 'appear' sociable and talkative!!

 

[Alistair]

I agree with Feathers on the perspective that a lot of guys don't like "Chatter Boxs," and I admit I'm one of those guys. I want someone who is quiet, reflective, and give it to me straight and honest while not always being right. =) Just something to bounce idea's off of.

Now, rest of your post. While I know it's easier said than done (My self included!) about starting off fresh, well, just start off fresh! Don't reflect, do it! Go to that gym, if that's what you want to do, or even at home do some jumping jacks or something to that effect. It's all about action, and when you are ready for it. Just don't reflect upon that part to much, as I've stated before. Just remember, start small, don't be over ambitious.

About the other "girls?" My two cents. Forget 'em, your attractive, and pretty within your own right inside and out. This is what matters, what you think in that way, and keep pushing those thoughts further. That you want to improve in your own way, and that you are better than these people. Everyone has their own little insecurities, while it's a hard rut as someone mentioned above (Forgive me) that you've gotta keep on moving. Just remember, your important the way you are, and it people don't like that, then they have the issues!

 

[veggielover]

Hey Everyone,

I really, really appreciate all of your support and advice. It really does help and makes me feel better to hear your comments. I just get stuck in a funk or rut however you call it sometimes and it's hard to pull myself out. I just drown myself in negative thoughts, disbelief, and self pity; however, I'm feeling a lot better now. I actually have a gym membership that I've been trying to keep up with, but I usually only go once or twice a week. Anyway, I went to the gym today and I felt really good about it. I've also been eating healthy and I'm hoping to try to go to the gym everyday for at least 30 minutes. It's a big goal for me, but I think it would really benefit me in the long run. I'm making progress, but I have a long way to go in boosting my self esteem and gaining all the confidence I need to be happy.

 

[punklove]

I relate to a lot of what your saying... especially the whole "wanting to run away" thing.
It would feel really great and refreshing to be able to have a fresh start... somewhere far away where no one knows you.
I'm always comparing myself to other prettier and more social girls as well. I know what it's like to not feel good about yourself.
BUT
Lately I've been trying to do things to make me feel like I do have self worth..
For example I always feel bad for leaving all the house work for my mom to do, so instead of doing nothing about it lately I've been actually getting up off my ass and doing a bit more each day.
It's like if you set small steps for yourself that you know will lead up to accomplishing a major goal then set those small steps and don't stress so much about what's not being looked after, just focus on what you have been working on and what you're proud of yourself for.

I hope I helped

 

[tiscircle]

Well if you do have a purpose in your life then I suppose that should be enough

 

[EscapeArtist]

I completely understand your craving for meaning in life, and your desire for weight loss despite not being able to shed a pound. You don't look unattractive in your avatar, that's for sure, in fact you're beautiful! Nonetheless feelings of inferiority can put stress on our body image... And I feel for you. If you ever need somebody to listen/relate/rant to, feel free to PM me


I replied without reading your newer post That's great that you got a gym membership! Try not to push any pressure on yourself to 'keep at it', if you're a perfectionist (I am!). Glad that you're feeling better!