Using SAD as an Excuse to Network

[Xervello]

I have absolutely no idea where to post this so I'm putting it here, sorry. So I've been to a couple of forums - a few poetry ones, a few dealing with loneliness/social problems - and notice quite a lot of people using them more as a means to network or hook up than for any kind of discussion or help. Not that that's inherently bad. Everyone has their own motives as to why they join a forum; as is their right. Though I'm curious as to people's experience here, being a newbie and all.

A few observations. At the couple of loneliness/social disorder sites I frequented, there were twice as many men than were women. In some cases three, four times that. And the male posts would outnumber the female's by four, five to one. With most of the men's going unreplied and ditched to the archives. Whereas the women's would have pages of comments. Which isn't the women's fault. This isn't a male vs. female thing. It just made me kind of sad seeing all these lonely, desperate men (I say that compassionately) flock to the women like that. Which isn't all that great for the women either. For starters, they get inundated with heaps of messages - a lot unwanted, a few of them creepy. They have a difficult time knowing whether what someone is posting is sincere or if some guy is just saying what he says to curry favor with her. And it can also breed jealousy among the other females.

But here's the most amusing. I've been to about four or five different poetry sites. Poetry sites typically have a more balanced membership. Males still tend to be the majority but the disparity isn't as great. I've posted poems, gotten my fair share of responses, yadda yadda. But at the most recent poetry forum (which had roughly the same amount of members as the others) I registered as a female. Used the same profile info but with a feminine avatar. And I posted the same poems that I posted at other sites. The result? Twice as many comments for all, lol. It might not be a fair comparison, but it was an interesting experiment nonetheless.

I know this might all sound petty, but the whole networking thing (particularly with guys) irks me a little. Because those numbers of posts can drown out the ones from those needing help or something more substantive. Again, I'm new here; I'm not casting aspersions at THIS place. Just curious as to people's experience with it, or if they think this is all just b.s.

 

[bcsr]

I think your observation is correct. It seems like a big chunk of guys join these type of sites (and real life support groups) looking for a relationship, even if it's just online. It's especially clear in off-site chat rooms for forums.

I think a lot of people feel like if they can just have one person validate me, then everything will suddenly be okay. It's an unhealthy obsession, and an incorrect assumption. This problem is a lot deeper than that.

People also seem to think that if they share this one thing (social anxiety) that a relationship is going to be so easy and so amazing. You're just as likely to drag each other down as to build each other up.

 

[karl:-/]

Read both posts very deep issues nd its like this across the whole network, can't tell who has the real problems nd that's my point in my post we need to stamp out these fakers but I ain't got a clue how. Guess it comes down to filtering your friends list if needs be. For me this site helps just reading peoples posts neva mind leaching on to them for sexual gain or any other ill mannered behaviour. Must admit I would like to meet some one with HH but if their anything like me they won't want to leave home.. "xerellow" the moon, the stars, the sky above remind me of my long lost love. A love so great, it filled the sky, a love I lost I do know why... Coz of this dam sweating!!! Kinda changed it over the past yr or so hope you like it

 

[Xervello]

I agree with the validation part. I think that can be said of most people, really. People want to be truly seen; they want to be heard. Even if they have friends, a lot don't feel as if their true self is recognized. They either don't know how to show it or fear others won't be receptive to it. And when you throw in SAD, it just compounds problems. Which is why I don't begrudge a lot of guys (or girls) for seeking out connections. But not at the expense of those with very serious issues. I was at another forum for social anxiety and half the posts were about loneliness. Which is a serious problem, no doubt, but most were from a result of breaking up with their partner; being single for a few months; not going out anywhere. Again, legit problems, but nothing to do with social anxiety disorder in the majority of the cases. And half of that half were sympathy ploys to entice female pity. Meanwhile you have people with severe SAD getting drowned out by them.

I don't belittle any problem one has. Pain is pain. But there is such a thing as perspective. There are those who are lonely, and there are those who are lonely with SAD. I guess it just bothers me when people use the term as currency for attention. It's unfortunate that anyone feels invisible at a forum for people who already feel invisible. Regarding your point about shared social anxiety as a relationship link, I'm not sure what to think about it. I suppose those couples with SAD have about as much success/failure as those without it. It would seem to me that it would be healthier being involved with someone who didn't suffer from it. They could help bring the other out of their shell. Whereas as two with SAD are likely to be entrenched further. But who knows. Love is love.

 

[Xervello]

I don't think anyone needs to be stamped out, Karl. Or any changes need to be made. The cool thing about these forums is that people can be however they want, say whatever they wish. I'm just venting, really. And I'm new here so I'm not even addressing this site. Which from what I've seen so far is very constructive.

 

[karl:-/]

The man from Ohio has silenced me :-/ his points nd views are undeniably, a lot of sense nd can imagen you to suffer badly with sad maybe other issues I'm not one to discriminate against any one.. in an older post I refure to society commenting we should stick to our own kind/find people with same issues. I say this because before I let's say became sad about HH I done my own survey hiding my condition. Haven to come face/face with people nd their comments, tuff stuff but proved my point on how (normal) people perceive us.. I look forward to future comments

 

[bcsr]

Haven to come face/face with people nd their comments, tuff stuff but proved my point on how (normal) people perceive us.. I look forward to future comments

Bro, there's no such thing as a normal person. Everyone has their own unique set of problems. Trust me on that.

 

[karl:-/]

I know that dude that's why I put normal in () brackets drowing a point to how every one is normal in their own quirky existance. It's the way we perceive our selves determines how bad we become. Dwelling on stuff rather than trying to gain insite into an issue don't make any sense to me I suffer with NAF. negative against failure...