anomicdeer
Well-known member
Warning: LONG post.
This won't seem like a big deal to you, but it is for me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where
my life is headed right now. I've gone to
high school. I graduated.
I haven't been to college. I was going to but
my mom canceled the interview and told me
"he wasn't gonna except you anyways".
Oh she does know the future, doesn't she?
After that I've been applying for jobs.
Calling places... they are never hiring.
I still apply though. I never gotten a call.
I never got an interview.
I don't feel that I'm gonna be successful.
I don't have any kind of degree and people with them
don't even have jobs.
I feel so worthless inside. It's as if I have
it written all over me. Maybe that's all I say.
Maybe that's why no one wants me. No one likes me.
Life doesn't want me to live. Maybe I'm just lazy.
I should work harder than I am now. Maybe I'll
get somewhere.
People do work hard, but it's not like I can just do
anything. If I was able to do that, I probably
wouldn't have problems right now.
Everyone thinks I'm getting into the military.
But they know nothing about getting into it.
My brother thought you just sign up.
He actually laughed when I said I didn't pass the test.
Yeah "sign up" or "swear in" is what they say,
AFTER you PASS the test.
Well... I was going to college, that didn't happen.
My mom will just keep telling everyone what I'm gonna
do next... and their thought will be "can she do anything?
she's always doing something else. what is wrong with her?"
I just wanna run away... disappear... without a trace.
It won't hurt to say what I'm gonna do now.
I'm not gonna give up yet.
I'm going to try a program. Job Corps.
I don't know how good it is. But it's better than nothing.
I will try it, because they have what I like. Something
I want to do. I'm gonna find out how to register and
see if I'm able to do that. If not. I have no more options.
Well... I do. I want to just get a little job somewhere,
hopefully make enough money to get my own apartment.
Then I want to make stuff. And sell it.
I just don't know how that will work out.
I just feel jinxed. If I talk about it, it won't happen.
If I think too much about it, it won't happen.
Or I'm just superstitious or something.
I have it. I just don't feel that there's any hope or luck.
I have nothing, I won't lose anything.
The only think I CAN lose is my life.
I hate planning things.
It's almost like expecting something
and being disappointed later.
It's good to plan things sometimes.
But I hate trying to plan something.
It never happens when I do.
I hate that I can't plan something
and everything goes smoothly.
Someone always mess it up.
Of course, because I'm not controlling anything.
I wanted to take the test today, Thursday June 3, 2010.
I called that ****ing recruiter 4 or 5 times before he answered
and he told me that I might not be able to take the test today.
Not in those exact words though.
I already know I'm not gonna take it.
Now I have to wait again.
And then I don't even know it they will accept me.
I had to wait forever for my medical records
and I had to get two doctor appointments so they can
check my heart and see how well it is.
I'm not really worried about that.
I had surgery when I was a baby for Tetrology of Fallot.
My dad things I'm worried about that but I'm sure my heart
is in great condition. I just don't know if they will
accept me for that. But I'm more worried about the test.
It's really pissing me off.
I don't think I'll pass the test but I just feel that I have to
take it once again. Then I'll be done with that.
I'll try something else. That may not go well.
I thought of ways I can be able to do what I want to do next (how
to get to the place I need to go to register for Job Corps).
I don't think I can register over phone, so I'm sure I would have
to go up to the place.
And ways I won't be able to get there.
Since there is no public transportation there,
if they are open for certain hours... say the hours that
my mom won't be home, then most likely I won't be able to go,
because I don't have no one else to drive me.
I couldn't rely on anyone anyways, they would just **** around
and not pick me up at all.
And I feel that it won't happen because it's something
I'm planning.
I just want to break everything around me, even my bones.
I want to scream... really loud til I can't breath anymore.
I want to rip all of my hair out.
I just wanna run away and never see anyone again.
It's so hard not to worry or even think about anything.
After all this... I feel so bad.
Everyone I ****ing know has a job.
They have something to do.
And me, I'm just in the house all day, being lazy, and worthless.
I have a horrible feeling inside. I want to puke.
I hate this feeling. But I can't control it.
After a while I start to notice, I don't have to say anything
at all. It won't happen anyways.
I can only be sure of something that can't change.
I can tell everyone I'm depressed, I'll remain that way.
I can tell everyone I'm shy, I'll still be shy.
I can't tell everyone that I'm going to kill myself.
They won't stop me.
So. Life just wanted to torture me mentally.
Took me a while to write this. I wrote it yesterday and edited it.
I just adding a few things and took out a few things.
Because I thought I was gonna take the test today.
But I can't.
I hope this is all I wanted to say. I actually
planned on posting this Thursday night, after the test.
If this isn't all I wanted to say... oh well.
There is too much on my mind anyways.
This won't seem like a big deal to you, but it is for me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where
my life is headed right now. I've gone to
high school. I graduated.
I haven't been to college. I was going to but
my mom canceled the interview and told me
"he wasn't gonna except you anyways".
Oh she does know the future, doesn't she?
After that I've been applying for jobs.
Calling places... they are never hiring.
I still apply though. I never gotten a call.
I never got an interview.
I don't feel that I'm gonna be successful.
I don't have any kind of degree and people with them
don't even have jobs.
I feel so worthless inside. It's as if I have
it written all over me. Maybe that's all I say.
Maybe that's why no one wants me. No one likes me.
Life doesn't want me to live. Maybe I'm just lazy.
I should work harder than I am now. Maybe I'll
get somewhere.
People do work hard, but it's not like I can just do
anything. If I was able to do that, I probably
wouldn't have problems right now.
Everyone thinks I'm getting into the military.
But they know nothing about getting into it.
My brother thought you just sign up.
He actually laughed when I said I didn't pass the test.
Yeah "sign up" or "swear in" is what they say,
AFTER you PASS the test.
Well... I was going to college, that didn't happen.
My mom will just keep telling everyone what I'm gonna
do next... and their thought will be "can she do anything?
she's always doing something else. what is wrong with her?"
I just wanna run away... disappear... without a trace.
It won't hurt to say what I'm gonna do now.
I'm not gonna give up yet.
I'm going to try a program. Job Corps.
I don't know how good it is. But it's better than nothing.
I will try it, because they have what I like. Something
I want to do. I'm gonna find out how to register and
see if I'm able to do that. If not. I have no more options.
Well... I do. I want to just get a little job somewhere,
hopefully make enough money to get my own apartment.
Then I want to make stuff. And sell it.
I just don't know how that will work out.
I just feel jinxed. If I talk about it, it won't happen.
If I think too much about it, it won't happen.
Or I'm just superstitious or something.
I have it. I just don't feel that there's any hope or luck.
I have nothing, I won't lose anything.
The only think I CAN lose is my life.
I hate planning things.
It's almost like expecting something
and being disappointed later.
It's good to plan things sometimes.
But I hate trying to plan something.
It never happens when I do.
I hate that I can't plan something
and everything goes smoothly.
Someone always mess it up.
Of course, because I'm not controlling anything.
I wanted to take the test today, Thursday June 3, 2010.
I called that ****ing recruiter 4 or 5 times before he answered
and he told me that I might not be able to take the test today.
Not in those exact words though.
I already know I'm not gonna take it.
Now I have to wait again.
And then I don't even know it they will accept me.
I had to wait forever for my medical records
and I had to get two doctor appointments so they can
check my heart and see how well it is.
I'm not really worried about that.
I had surgery when I was a baby for Tetrology of Fallot.
My dad things I'm worried about that but I'm sure my heart
is in great condition. I just don't know if they will
accept me for that. But I'm more worried about the test.
It's really pissing me off.
I don't think I'll pass the test but I just feel that I have to
take it once again. Then I'll be done with that.
I'll try something else. That may not go well.
I thought of ways I can be able to do what I want to do next (how
to get to the place I need to go to register for Job Corps).
I don't think I can register over phone, so I'm sure I would have
to go up to the place.
And ways I won't be able to get there.
Since there is no public transportation there,
if they are open for certain hours... say the hours that
my mom won't be home, then most likely I won't be able to go,
because I don't have no one else to drive me.
I couldn't rely on anyone anyways, they would just **** around
and not pick me up at all.
And I feel that it won't happen because it's something
I'm planning.
I just want to break everything around me, even my bones.
I want to scream... really loud til I can't breath anymore.
I want to rip all of my hair out.
I just wanna run away and never see anyone again.
It's so hard not to worry or even think about anything.
After all this... I feel so bad.
Everyone I ****ing know has a job.
They have something to do.
And me, I'm just in the house all day, being lazy, and worthless.
I have a horrible feeling inside. I want to puke.
I hate this feeling. But I can't control it.
After a while I start to notice, I don't have to say anything
at all. It won't happen anyways.
I can only be sure of something that can't change.
I can tell everyone I'm depressed, I'll remain that way.
I can tell everyone I'm shy, I'll still be shy.
I can't tell everyone that I'm going to kill myself.
They won't stop me.
So. Life just wanted to torture me mentally.
Took me a while to write this. I wrote it yesterday and edited it.
I just adding a few things and took out a few things.
Because I thought I was gonna take the test today.
But I can't.
I hope this is all I wanted to say. I actually
planned on posting this Thursday night, after the test.
If this isn't all I wanted to say... oh well.
There is too much on my mind anyways.