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anomicdeer

anomicdeer

Well-known member
Warning: LONG post.


This won't seem like a big deal to you, but it is for me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where
my life is headed right now. I've gone to
high school. I graduated.
I haven't been to college. I was going to but
my mom canceled the interview and told me
"he wasn't gonna except you anyways".
Oh she does know the future, doesn't she?
After that I've been applying for jobs.
Calling places... they are never hiring.
I still apply though. I never gotten a call.
I never got an interview.
I don't feel that I'm gonna be successful.
I don't have any kind of degree and people with them
don't even have jobs.

I feel so worthless inside. It's as if I have
it written all over me. Maybe that's all I say.
Maybe that's why no one wants me. No one likes me.
Life doesn't want me to live. Maybe I'm just lazy.
I should work harder than I am now. Maybe I'll
get somewhere.

People do work hard, but it's not like I can just do
anything. If I was able to do that, I probably
wouldn't have problems right now.

Everyone thinks I'm getting into the military.
But they know nothing about getting into it.
My brother thought you just sign up.
He actually laughed when I said I didn't pass the test.
Yeah "sign up" or "swear in" is what they say,
AFTER you PASS the test.
Well... I was going to college, that didn't happen.
My mom will just keep telling everyone what I'm gonna
do next... and their thought will be "can she do anything?
she's always doing something else. what is wrong with her?"

I just wanna run away... disappear... without a trace.

It won't hurt to say what I'm gonna do now.
I'm not gonna give up yet.
I'm going to try a program. Job Corps.
I don't know how good it is. But it's better than nothing.
I will try it, because they have what I like. Something
I want to do. I'm gonna find out how to register and
see if I'm able to do that. If not. I have no more options.

Well... I do. I want to just get a little job somewhere,
hopefully make enough money to get my own apartment.
Then I want to make stuff. And sell it.
I just don't know how that will work out.

I just feel jinxed. If I talk about it, it won't happen.
If I think too much about it, it won't happen.
Or I'm just superstitious or something.
I have it. I just don't feel that there's any hope or luck.
I have nothing, I won't lose anything.
The only think I CAN lose is my life.

I hate planning things.
It's almost like expecting something
and being disappointed later.
It's good to plan things sometimes.
But I hate trying to plan something.
It never happens when I do.
I hate that I can't plan something
and everything goes smoothly.
Someone always mess it up.
Of course, because I'm not controlling anything.

I wanted to take the test today, Thursday June 3, 2010.
I called that ****ing recruiter 4 or 5 times before he answered
and he told me that I might not be able to take the test today.
Not in those exact words though.
I already know I'm not gonna take it.
Now I have to wait again.
And then I don't even know it they will accept me.
I had to wait forever for my medical records
and I had to get two doctor appointments so they can
check my heart and see how well it is.
I'm not really worried about that.
I had surgery when I was a baby for Tetrology of Fallot.
My dad things I'm worried about that but I'm sure my heart
is in great condition. I just don't know if they will
accept me for that. But I'm more worried about the test.

It's really pissing me off.
I don't think I'll pass the test but I just feel that I have to
take it once again. Then I'll be done with that.
I'll try something else. That may not go well.
I thought of ways I can be able to do what I want to do next (how
to get to the place I need to go to register for Job Corps).
I don't think I can register over phone, so I'm sure I would have
to go up to the place.
And ways I won't be able to get there.
Since there is no public transportation there,
if they are open for certain hours... say the hours that
my mom won't be home, then most likely I won't be able to go,
because I don't have no one else to drive me.
I couldn't rely on anyone anyways, they would just **** around
and not pick me up at all.
And I feel that it won't happen because it's something
I'm planning.
I just want to break everything around me, even my bones.
I want to scream... really loud til I can't breath anymore.
I want to rip all of my hair out.
I just wanna run away and never see anyone again.

It's so hard not to worry or even think about anything.
After all this... I feel so bad.
Everyone I ****ing know has a job.
They have something to do.
And me, I'm just in the house all day, being lazy, and worthless.

I have a horrible feeling inside. I want to puke.
I hate this feeling. But I can't control it.

After a while I start to notice, I don't have to say anything
at all. It won't happen anyways.
I can only be sure of something that can't change.
I can tell everyone I'm depressed, I'll remain that way.
I can tell everyone I'm shy, I'll still be shy.
I can't tell everyone that I'm going to kill myself.
They won't stop me.
So. Life just wanted to torture me mentally.

Took me a while to write this. I wrote it yesterday and edited it.
I just adding a few things and took out a few things.
Because I thought I was gonna take the test today.
But I can't.
I hope this is all I wanted to say. I actually
planned on posting this Thursday night, after the test.
If this isn't all I wanted to say... oh well.
There is too much on my mind anyways.
 
Danfalc

Danfalc

Banned
anomicdeer said:
It's so hard not to worry or even think about anything.
After all this... I feel so bad.
Everyone I ****ing know has a job.
They have something to do.
And me, I'm just in the house all day, being lazy, and worthless.
Click to expand...

Hey,it's not like your doing it on purpose so don't beat yourself up!From what you have wrote it sounds like your doing a hell of a lot to try and keep looking for work and keeping your options open.Don't compare yourself to other people and what they are doing,you have your own unique set of problems.

I really think you should go back to college if that's what you wanted to do in the first place,the older you get the harder it is to juggle getting further education with other commitments.
 
anomicdeer

anomicdeer

Well-known member
Danfalc said:
Hey,it's not like your doing it on purpose so don't beat yourself up!From what you have wrote it sounds like your doing a hell of a lot to try and keep looking for work and keeping your options open.Don't compare yourself to other people and what they are doing,you have your own unique set of problems.

I really think you should go back to college if that's what you wanted to do in the first place,the older you get the harder it is to juggle getting further education with other commitments.
Click to expand...

I never really wanted to go, but I have no money
and my mom can't afford it. That's why she canceled the interview.
 
Ericisme

Ericisme

Well-known member
Well, atleast you're trying to help yourself. So keep on trying, I'm sure something will come out of it.
 
Danfalc

Danfalc

Banned
anomicdeer said:
I never really wanted to go, but I have no money
and my mom can't afford it. That's why she canceled the interview.
Click to expand...

Is there not a grant you can apply for?But if you really don't want to go then I guess there is no point,just make sure it is what you want and not what your Mum wants which makes you choose.

And your obviously a fighter,I'm sure things will work out for you whatever direction you choose to go.I wish I had more to say in reply to your long post
 
hippiechild

hippiechild

Well-known member
It sounds like a lot of people are second guessing you and your abilities, making it hard for you to attain your full potential...
well... **** them. They don't know ****. You are smart and fully capable of doing great things. If people don't believe that you're able to do something, then they clearly don't understand who they're dealing with. Just don't take their views to heart or let them affect your own judgment of yourself, they are counterproductive and blatantly untrue.

As far as past problems go, everyone has some. They do not necessarily reflect on your ability or state of jinxed-ness :)
You're allowed to fall once or twice, or thrice.. or more. If you're going to try something new, there will be setbacks. Don't let those setbacks become a part of you.

So, discarding all the external ridiculousness, what are we left with? A smart, healthy girl who is more than capable of passing these tests with flying colours. Just focus on your current goal and your current status and take any measures you can to prepare.

If you are prepared for it, then you can accurately present yourself to the people evaluating you, if they see that accurate presentation... there's no way that they could refuse. Any employer should be honored to have someone as thoughtful and conscientious as you applying.
 
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Tiercel

Tiercel

Well-known member
Please keep trying and don't give up on yourself. Your situation is nearly identical to my own, except I gave up on myself years ago. And I can tell you that that's just one more obstacle that you'll have to overcome. Not only is it one more, it's by far the largest you'll have to overcome if you want to get your life back on track.

I dropped out of college after two years. One of the dogs I had grown up with was slowly dying as her kidneys began to fail. I was confused about what degree I should pursue and whether getting a degree was something I even wanted or needed. I was lonely as hell since I only made one friend, and just spent all my free time in my dorm room either playing my guitar or listening to music. And I was extra depressed because of all this, and because the "best years of my life" were turning out to be anything but.

I haven't had a real job in years. I have no college degree, no experience worth mentioning, and no faith in myself. My brother recently got his master's degree in chemical engineering, and he's been out of work for nearly two years now. So that affects my opinion of myself, obviously.

Unlike you, my family has always been willing to do anything to help me. But I've already convinced myself that I'm not worthy of anything, and effectively gave up on life years ago. And right now, that is probably my biggest challenge. Basically trying to value my life and become an advocate for myself.

And I'm not trying to steal your thunder; I'm just letting you know that it could be much worse if you decide that it's not worth it. Once you decide not to get up after life knocks you down, you won't get up. Or when you do, it will only be with much more pain and effort than it otherwise would have cost you. So don't give up, okay?

You're a determined individual with lots to offer the world. So keep on offerin'.

Did Winston Churchill give in to Hitler when Germany invaded Poland? Or when his other major ally (France) also fell? Or maybe it was when the Luftwaffe tried to destroy Britain's air force? What about when the bombs started falling on London?

When Dave Mustaine got kicked out of Metallica did he let that destroy his dreams of playing in a heavy metal band? No! He created his own band that he vowed would be better than Metallica in every way. Did he give up because of his drug addictions, constantly changing band lineups, and inability to become more famous and successful than Metallica? Last I heard, Megadeth is still around.

Did Helen Keller give up when she realized that she didn't even understand the idea of someone being blind, deaf, and mute? Well, no! She was forced to learn to communicate and.... Okay, probably not the best example right now....

But you get what I'm gettin' at. Oh, and please don't rip out your hair. A sunburnt scalp is nothing to look forward to. It's actually rather painful, oozy, and peely.

:D
 
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