Unemployed Graduate with SA, advice please

[Eam]

Hello everyone, this is my first thread here, I'm feeling quite depressed lately and I'd like to hear from other people who have been in similar situations.

Here's my situation:

I graduated last year from university with a good degree and grade, and for various reasons which I'd rather not go into I wasn't able to start applying for work until relatively recently. Those reasons weren't all to do with SA, but that period increased my SA even more (it was already very bad). Now here I am, able to apply for jobs and am doing so, along with making a lot of calls which is improving my anxiety about using the telephone.

The problem I face is this: while it's true I'm finding it difficult to even get interviews due to the usual 'lack of experience', and that each interview causes a panic attack. A lot of my worry is that I'm not sure I'd be able to hack a high pressure job even if I got it. I've never had a full time job as it is. There's also a lot of expectation on me to get that great job too from my family. None of my family know I suffer from SA either, same goes for friends. I think I hide it quite well.

I think I could put a lot of you to shame with my social life, it is literally non existent. And has pretty much been this way for my entire adult life (16+), I'm now in my early 20s. Still a virgin etc.

Is there anybody here with SA who once graduating (or similar), chose to take up a career in a less stressful, less pressured job and are much happier for doing so? Or the opposite?

Or are there people here who fought on and got that high pressure job with their SA and it's helped them tackle it? Or at least managed the job with their SA. Or the opposite here again?

Or if anybody has any other advice for my situation, or general life advice it would all be appreciated.

Reading some of your experiences, my problems may seem insignificant. But things look horrible at the moment, no social life, girlfriend, no job, difficult to even get interviews, and doubting whether I'd even be able to hack the jobs I'm applying for even if I got them.

People get down if they're lacking in any one of these, I have zilch.

I've also been pessimistic with the opposite sex. People wonder how men can be afraid of women but they are very capable of striking you hard, with words or other things against a man with little self confidence. And have always felt that they would cause me more trouble than without (don't worry, girls, I felt that I would be more trouble for them too). But recently, my view on that has started to change and I'm willing to open my heart if the opportunity arose, however unlikely that is. But then, you aren't boyfriend material without a job.

Sorry about the long post, I don't usually open up

 

[HH]

Hi eam

I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. I didn't get my first full time job until about 18months after graduating. I think the first thing you need to focus on is getting a job although in this current economical climate that will be difficult.

Maybe try asking for some work experience for 1-2 days a week somewhere in your chosen field so you get used to a work environment but haven't got the added pressure if something goes wrong (hey-it doesn't matter-you're not getting paid anyway, and can leave when ever etc).

I know work experience isn't amazing but it's definitely a start and will give you a boost and get you out of the house and mixing and it might progress into something better.

As regarding your social life, again-only you can sort that out. It will be easier when you have money but don't expect everything just to happen overnight once you get employment (sorry to be negative but I'm in the same position as you but I'm 30)

hope it all works out.

 

[dooby-duck]

I did a management degree at university, and hoped that by the end I would be magically cured and ready to face the real world. Obviously that didn't happen. Luckily for me my parents own a garage so I am able to work there. It is not anything like the job I studied for but I am usually comfortable doing it. There is no way I would be able to manage people. I would rather be happy doing this job than work somewhere else for twice the money by using my degree.

I know it is a bit of a cop out and I am taking the path of least resistance but I can work on my problems without the added problems involved in a more stressful job with lots of responsibilities and the politics which seems present in a lot of work places. I do have a few other problems though which would make me feel uncomfortable working with other people or in a place with a lot of customers.

 

[N04h]

maybe you can go to grad school?

or ask your prof for industry contacts?

 

[jbeenthere]

I think you need to start by telling your family and friends. SA is not something you have to hide. you will not be blacklisted from society because you have a phobia. If you think the stress of handling SA in the workplace will be too hard then you are right. I know from experience that trying to hide SA and act normal is too much. Give yourself a break and ask for help from friends and family before you go down the path of denial. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a major depressive fall. and trust me - you think SA is bad, try dealing with major depression on top of it. get therapy now and then take on the world - you are young and if you can earn a college degree with honors then you can certainly handle CBT.

 

[Tempus35]

I didn't read the other posts so I have no clue what they said, but I do know that I understand, I have yet graduated from college, and hope I go, I am not so high in the grades department. But I am already worry about jobs, not only if i get out of college with a degree, but if I don't make it and have to have a full time job. I am not great with high pressure jobs also, the most I have had are laid back part time jobs, and those were ok but even then could get to me. Basically what I am saying is I understand, the thing I have going for me is that my family knows I have SP, including my friends, and they try to understand, my mom does the best, and try to help me. In the end I am still struggling, but I couldn't have made it without that help, I think you should talk to your family.

 

[improperdancing]

Do you think you can call up companies in your field that you want to work for and ask to do an unpaid internship? Why would they reject people willing to work for free, and since you've got a degree, maybe you'll be assumed to be more competent at certain things than a student. Maybe you could do that a couple of days a week to gain experience. While you're doing that, maybe you can take ANY kind of part-time job-- retail, data entry, whatever you're current level of SA can handle-- and once you get used to regular social interaction and have some experience, you can probably have more confidence to pursue jobs in your field.

And please don't think girls will reject you just because you don't have a job yet. You're only in your early 20s; that's not an age where that would be a dating dealbreaker. Tons of people your age can't get jobs, and tons of people older than you have been laid off and unemployed for a year too.

I'm older, and my life is pretty much exactly the same as yours. I've only started applying for jobs this month, almost a year after graduating, and even for retail and restaurant jobs, I'm not getting any interviews because of my lack of any kind of experience. It's tough. You don't have to wait until you get a job before you feel worthy of making friends or dating, though. Volunteer, take a class, join a club, anything to get you out of the house regularly, and you might start seeing some improvements.

 

[Eam]

Thanks for the advice guys, it's really helpful.

Regarding me opening up about it to my family: it's not really an option. There are other things going on and adding my problems into the mix wouldn't be good. I'm not sure it would actually change things that much if I did, anyway.

I did a management degree at university, and hoped that by the end I would be magically cured and ready to face the real world. Obviously that didn't happen. Luckily for me my parents own a garage so I am able to work there. It is not anything like the job I studied for but I am usually comfortable doing it. There is no way I would be able to manage people. I would rather be happy doing this job than work somewhere else for twice the money by using my degree.

I know it is a bit of a cop out and I am taking the path of least resistance but I can work on my problems without the added problems involved in a more stressful job with lots of responsibilities and the politics which seems present in a lot of work places. I do have a few other problems though which would make me feel uncomfortable working with other people or in a place with a lot of customers.

I don't see it as a cop out at all. The bolded bit is really important.

For the advice about volunteer work, I see the positives in it regarding improving my anxiety. Same goes for the lesser pressure jobs. But there is also the expectation from family, and friends of me to get that great job. Friends with the same educational background have done it, friends who haven't gotten as far as me in education have done it. Everyone expects so much of me, they don't know about my SA. Sometimes I just want a simple life. Just to get by and be relatively happy. Just like you're doing, dooby-duck.

I will be taking all your advice on board and will figure something out.

It's difficult to reply to each of you in one post, but I hope I did. I'm grateful for hearing your experiences, advice and understanding.

---
improperdancing, I noticed a lot of similarities between us when I posted in your thread so it's good to hear your advice. Thanks for that.

 

[Waybuloo]

Hello, I really feel for you.:: I have been in a similar situation. I am 25 now and when I graduated I became a temp in a different country to start a new life, partly to escape the real or imagined expectation of me to land a good grad job and get onto the corporate ladder like everyone else around me. My family knows about my problem but I can't live at home for free and even a small retail job would get too much for me over time.

And so I worked in a somewhat corporate firm for 10 months and what with the open plan office and people's intolerance of quiet people, it all became too much. I moved into the public sector just in time before I had a mental breakdown, which I felt was rapidly forthcoming. Things then got a bit better because I guess people there aren't as cut throat and are a bit more understanding. But everywhere I went my quietness was a topic of conversation, with people saying either that I am just shy, nervous, or quiet, and I even overheard one guy say I have Social Phobia.

What I learnt from my brief experience in employment was that it is better to preserve your sanity and get by in a less stressful environment that has the scope for you to improve at your own pace, than to push yourself over the limit in a more 'glamorous' role. Not everyone 'normal' can hack a job in a demanding environment either, so imagine what it must be like for the rest of us. I recommend you start from something basic and for which you know that some of your skills can satisfy.

Obviously the degree of your social inhibition would be different from mine and what is dreadful for me might not apply to you. But I think if you take it easy it would be good for building your confidence. A book I once read said that because of what happened to us, we are not given the same foundation in life skills/coping skills to compare with others..imagine being in a race where you run but others drive by in a car, it is no wonder that they have an easier time. So be easier on yourself. Because the 'great job' is so out of reach for us, we tend to idealise it, but in reality even if 'normal' people have a good start it varies as to where they go from there anyways. They don't always end up at the top/management and live comfortably the rest of their lives. Some people will fall by the wayside because their heart is not in it, or they can't cope or they jsut hate the 9-5 or the pressure, or the nature of the work. I just found out that a school mate who went to Princeton became unemployed. My friend started a grad program again 2 years after having graduated and working fulltime, another friend did a year of training in another field and bumming around and is now trying to bully me into her pyramid scheme, the temp before me was a Cambridge graduate.

Try not to go into things with too much expectation and maybe even use the work place as an experiment as ppl do with work experiences. As for your family, I wish that one day you will be able to confide and they would be understanding at that.

 

[Waybuloo]

Hi again, I just want to comment on the love life bit of your post.

Some people are either mean spirited or ignorant and won't hesitate to come out with some insensitive remark whether meant or not. Try not to let people know of your insecurities when you think they might not understand, and most of the time I think you can judge, but if in doubt just don't divulge.

Women pick men according to different criterion, some women have a checklist, and some will go off instinct, and some would just like a nice guy. The type that requires you to have a hot job are likely to be materialistic and status driven and chances are you wouldn't want to drag your self esteem through the trials of her demands. Go for those who understand that your heart is in it, that you want to improve and you are not a dole bludger who just can't be bothered. You have a degree with good grades which means you have goals and a brain and that is indeed attractive (not that non degree holders don't).

 

[jbeenthere]

if you do get a job you might try and find out what the HR department can offer in terms of support. it is very common now for firms to help their employees with certain disabilities and that is what SA really is in my opinion although it's not commonly recognized. it may be a big risk but I always imagined that if there was one person in the corporate firm I worked for who had known I had SA and who had my best interest at heart then things would have been much easier. it would have been nice to have someone ask how I was managing and be able to explain why I didn't return an e-mail promptly or why i was so uncomfortable in a meeting. I know it's much easier said than done but if you are really good (nearly all SA people are very intelligent) then they might be willing to make an investment in you by making sure you are somewhat comfortable so you can be productive. go into it with the idea that they want you to succeed not that you expect yourself to fail.

 

[Joan6466]

Wonderful comments from everyone. Mark in yellow the comments that really resonate with you, and post them where you see them every day. It's akin to vitamins for your psyche- courage givers.
Anticipatory anxiety is a great part of social anxiety. It's not at all accurate in predicting what type of work you're going to like. I remember meeting a guy who had a degree in history and was selling shoes. He said, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really like my job and the people I work with. When you graduate, these are the years for you to EXPLORE, test and try, to get a sense of what you like, what you don't like, etc. Social anxiety is so punishing that nothing is enjoyable when you begin something new. You must reward every attempt you make- because in the beginning everything is hard. Chatter to yourself- good for me! I made 3 phone calls. I'm proud of myself. Job hunting is anxiety provoking as well for the non-shy, so you must honor all actions you take. Also, start exploring socially things you like to do for fun. Many times anxiety keeps us from trying things, so we don't even know what we like to do away from work. I find that stress at work is easier dealt with when your friendship needs are met from other places besides work. I'm cheering you on.

 

[Eam]

Hello, I really feel for you.:: I have been in a similar situation. I am 25 now and when I graduated I became a temp in a different country to start a new life, partly to escape the real or imagined expectation of me to land a good grad job and get onto the corporate ladder like everyone else around me. My family knows about my problem but I can't live at home for free and even a small retail job would get too much for me over time.

And so I worked in a somewhat corporate firm for 10 months and what with the open plan office and people's intolerance of quiet people, it all became too much. I moved into the public sector just in time before I had a mental breakdown, which I felt was rapidly forthcoming. Things then got a bit better because I guess people there aren't as cut throat and are a bit more understanding. But everywhere I went my quietness was a topic of conversation, with people saying either that I am just shy, nervous, or quiet, and I even overheard one guy say I have Social Phobia.

What I learnt from my brief experience in employment was that it is better to preserve your sanity and get by in a less stressful environment that has the scope for you to improve at your own pace, than to push yourself over the limit in a more 'glamorous' role. Not everyone 'normal' can hack a job in a demanding environment either, so imagine what it must be like for the rest of us. I recommend you start from something basic and for which you know that some of your skills can satisfy.

Obviously the degree of your social inhibition would be different from mine and what is dreadful for me might not apply to you. But I think if you take it easy it would be good for building your confidence. A book I once read said that because of what happened to us, we are not given the same foundation in life skills/coping skills to compare with others..imagine being in a race where you run but others drive by in a car, it is no wonder that they have an easier time. So be easier on yourself. Because the 'great job' is so out of reach for us, we tend to idealise it, but in reality even if 'normal' people have a good start it varies as to where they go from there anyways. They don't always end up at the top/management and live comfortably the rest of their lives. Some people will fall by the wayside because their heart is not in it, or they can't cope or they jsut hate the 9-5 or the pressure, or the nature of the work. I just found out that a school mate who went to Princeton became unemployed. My friend started a grad program again 2 years after having graduated and working fulltime, another friend did a year of training in another field and bumming around and is now trying to bully me into her pyramid scheme, the temp before me was a Cambridge graduate.

Try not to go into things with too much expectation and maybe even use the work place as an experiment as ppl do with work experiences. As for your family, I wish that one day you will be able to confide and they would be understanding at that.

Thanks Chihiro, it's very interesting hearing your experiences. And the advice is fantastic too. I'd like you to know that I'm very grateful for it - it will definitely help me out.

Hi again, I just want to comment on the love life bit of your post.

Some people are either mean spirited or ignorant and won't hesitate to come out with some insensitive remark whether meant or not. Try not to let people know of your insecurities when you think they might not understand, and most of the time I think you can judge, but if in doubt just don't divulge.

Women pick men according to different criterion, some women have a checklist, and some will go off instinct, and some would just like a nice guy. The type that requires you to have a hot job are likely to be materialistic and status driven and chances are you wouldn't want to drag your self esteem through the trials of her demands. Go for those who understand that your heart is in it, that you want to improve and you are not a dole bludger who just can't be bothered. You have a degree with good grades which means you have goals and a brain and that is indeed attractive (not that non degree holders don't).

Thanks for this advice too. It would be very nice to let my pessimism about the opposite sex go.

 

[Eam]

if you do get a job you might try and find out what the HR department can offer in terms of support. it is very common now for firms to help their employees with certain disabilities and that is what SA really is in my opinion although it's not commonly recognized. it may be a big risk but I always imagined that if there was one person in the corporate firm I worked for who had known I had SA and who had my best interest at heart then things would have been much easier. it would have been nice to have someone ask how I was managing and be able to explain why I didn't return an e-mail promptly or why i was so uncomfortable in a meeting. I know it's much easier said than done but if you are really good (nearly all SA people are very intelligent) then they might be willing to make an investment in you by making sure you are somewhat comfortable so you can be productive. go into it with the idea that they want you to succeed not that you expect yourself to fail.

Thanks jbeenthere, I'll take this advice on board too.

I'm cheering you on.

Thanks .

 

[Rxqueen]

I know exactly how you feel I just graduated last year and instead of getting a full time job or going back to school I decided to volunteer with Americorps for a year. I had a very rough senior year of college and didn't have enough time to apply for anything and it took me four months to even figure out what to do.

My job volunteering is directly in conflict with my people skills....which is I have none. I have to talk to a lot of people face to face and that is very hard for me. Though the job is very hard I'm happy I chose it because it has helped me a lot with my sa. Even though I'm nowhere near the normal level, I still think I've advanced in my social skills and I at least know how to talk to ppl on the phone and give brief intros describing my job to clients.

After my year of volunteering is done I will either find a real job or go back to school but I still haven't figured that out yet, in the mean time I'm happy I at least have something to do though I get paid a very low amount. Regarding the other stuff that comes with sa: no social life, no bf, no sex, no friends; that hasn't changed much but I hope to change it in the future.

It's all a work in progress and you have to take it one step at a time. I'd recommend getting an paid or unpaid internship or find some place to volunteer until you can find a full time job. If you do this you can get the experience while improving your skills until you feel confident enough to move on. Good Luck!!!!