I've thought about this, and it's going to sound like a grass is always greener on the other side mentality but here goes.
Honestly in the past I never really had much of a problem with who I am, more or less with what I wasn't. I didn't like how I let fear take over and make me act in irrational and cowardly ways, but I'd feel bad and always tried to do what I thought was best and be a good person, and only liked that I let the fear prioritize itself over those qualities. That and maybe being a little lazy, but I thought my character otherwise was good even though I couldn't act according to it. I was considerate, mindful, thoughtful, clever, interested about some things, and very moral. I didn't want to change that, but incorporate my good qualities into my life to reflect it.
I do think I changed a lot though, I made a really conscious effort to do so. I don't really like the person I am anymore, just the way my brain works. I feel meaner and more judgmental, more irritable and easily agitated with less patience. I feel more selfish, and narrow minded. I reflect on my thoughts and they are thoughts of a person I don't want to be at all, I hate them. I know the other qualities are in there hiding but I'm having trouble bringing them out. It's something that'll take effort and I guess I'm lazy. The fear of being a bad person isn't pushing me anymore, not that it should need too.
Maybe it's all in hindsight though, I've never been happy with myself totally. It's just a battle with myself to do things that make me a good person, or to be lazy and just do things that make me feel good. Every decision we make influences what kind of person we are, and those "random" thoughts that pop into our heads which we think we can't control. Someone who doesn't like or watch baseball I imagine rarely thinks about baseball though, so other thoughts should follow a similar pattern. It's just little things, like a little self control and discipline in my daily life and not doing things that I know will hurt me or influence my thoughts even when they are things that seemingly are minor, especially on their own. Caving in and eating when I said I was done eating for the night makes me feel weak and puts what my body wants above what my mind knows.
I'm rambling now, but no I don't like the person under the anxiety at the moment, but I am able to become a person I like if I put the effort in, all the time and not just when it's convenient.
opcorn:
