Unapproachable.

[klytus]

Greetings,

There must be countless threads about this, or like topics. I admit. However, I still take the liberty of opening up a new one.

Right. Unapproachable. That's what I appear to be. Even if it's not what I say, it's mostly how I say it, or what I look like while saying it. People in real-life - even my principal back at school - have told me that they feared talking to me, that I seemed to disapprove of or dislike any kind of human contact. A very unfriendly and cold vibe must emanate from me.

The thing is, I couldn't care less about whether people want to be friends with me or not. I am enough for myself, in almost all aspects of life. I, however, don't want them to feel uneasy and uncomfortable around me, as for them, their emotions are most significant and decide about their work efficiency. As I (will) have to deal with lots of people in my (future) life, I want to become a bit more approachable such that others can comfortably work together with me. (I may qualify as schizoid. Though, it's self-diagnosed, almost all criteria [except one] match my personality, which appear to suffice according to several diagnostic approaches.)

What I would like to see changed is my seemingly overt display of indifference, such that people can feel good around me. I have no idea whatsoever how to do that, though. I cannot easily control my body language.

Do you know of anything that has worked for you, possibly long-term, and made your body language look more friendly / approachable?

Thanks.

 

[Anubis]

This is one of the hardest areas to improve IMO. I think it takes a healthy sense of humor and general contentment in your life to appear non-defensive and un-threatening (It's very hard to fake it with "body language" as I've discovered). Still working on it myself. Usually I can appear normal for formal conversation, but as soon as there's any sarcasm (good intended or bad), I start to look unfriendly.

It just feels like I'm being attacked. Even when I know that I'm being innocently teased. I'm increasing my tolerance week-by-week though. It's just taking a long long time. Wish there was an efficient way to do it too.

 

[shygirly]

SMILE,and treat everyone like they are your best friend even if you don't know them.
I can't believe that you are that unapproachable,sweetie. I bet it's mostly in your head.

 

[recluse]

I'm unaproachable most of the time because i'm not outgoing like other people. Most people are able to give out a friendly and fun vibe but i'm withdrawn and i am dry a lot of the time.

 

[klytus]

SMILE,and treat everyone like they are your best friend even if you don't know them. I can't believe that you are that unapproachable. I bet it's mostly in your head.

Well, smiling certainly helps, but people notice if it's fake. A genuine smile is difficult to sustain if you have almost zero perceptible emotions or a good reason to 'smile'.

Usually I can appear normal for formal conversation, but as soon as there's any sarcasm (good intended or bad), I start to look unfriendly.

True, formal conversations aren't difficult. However, even if you work in a team professionally, there are going to be situations where things get more intimate, private, and definitely less formal. It's part of healthy team dynamics - to get to know each other and create friendships - but it's especially difficult if you don't really see any sense in informal activities or aren't open to basically strangers, which your team co-members presumably are.

I'm unapproachable most of the time because I'm not outgoing like other people.

That, too. It wouldn't be too bad, though, if you were more friendly and less withdrawn, or could successfully fake it. Being outgoing isn't even too important. It's one's openness towards others that is.

Wish there was an efficient way to do it too.

Indeed.

 

[JCS008]

It's really hard to control you're body language and how you present yourself, but that's basically the only way around not being unapporoachable anymore. People can't really see who you are deep downinside, no matter how good of a person you really are. All they have to base you on is how you present yourself. Most people who generally look upset, you'd just leave them alone, since it looks like they want to be left alone.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

The thing is, I couldn't care less about whether people want to be friends with me or not. I am enough for myself, in almost all aspects of life. I, however, don't want them to feel uneasy and uncomfortable around me, as for them, their emotions are most significant and decide about their work efficiency. As I (will) have to deal with lots of people in my (future) life, I want to become a bit more approachable such that others can comfortably work together with me. (I may qualify as schizoid. Though, it's self-diagnosed, almost all criteria [except one] match my personality, which appear to suffice according to several diagnostic approaches.)

Funny that. I'm very glad you brought this up. I've been thinking about something similar to this for the past few days. It's not just my anxiety in social instances, but my general lack of need or care for people that separates me from them.
I have been clinically diagnosed as Avoidant (AvPD). However, my psychologist finds my social apathy and internalised sense of superiority very... interesting. What if I could fit like a glove into the diagnostic criteria for both Avoidant and Schizoid? I've never heard of any comorbidity with these two personality types. The criteria is -- when looked at from a neutral stand-point -- contradictory to each other. But... somehow... everything is just there. I really must look more into this.

More on topic; theoretically people are very easy to please. Smiling, small talk, oral and body language, taking a general (perceived) interest in them - are all important... it is menial and difficult if you're not attuned to the social playground. If you don't know the rules of the playground, you're going to get in trouble aren't you (I'm sorry, couldn't help myself, don't judge me)?
Learning to not only consciously control your own body language, but also to read the body language of others is one key factor. I rely on this, and other observational skills to help me answer such questions as "How does this person feel at the given time?" "What conversational topics should I avoid?" "What does this person want to hear?" etc... Their language, their emotions, all affect what I say, when I say it, how I say it.

People like it when they understand you. They also love familiarity - makes them nice and comfortable. If they can't understand you, they avoid you.

In the eye of the on-looker, I appear calm. And, of pure choice, sociable if necessary. My relaxed visage is obtained by will. That is, the will to please, for fear of judgement.
It's called a façade. Perhaps you should craft one.

Good luck.

 

[JCS008]

Unfortunately, you do have to create a facade. Many people I meet love talking about themselve. DO I enjoy listening to them go on about their day and their life? Not really, but sometimes you have to do things like that......

 

[Imhotep]

What I would like to see changed is my seemingly overt display of indifference, such that people can feel good around me. I have no idea whatsoever how to do that, though. I cannot easily control my body language.

Do you know of anything that has worked for you, possibly long-term, and made your body language look more friendly / approachable?

Thanks.

What I'm working on at the moment is making a big entrance where I go. Instead of sneaking in and hoping no one notices me, I'm going out of my way to say hello to people, smiling (it's only slightly fake - EVERYBODY does it) and sitting/standing in the most prominent spot. You only have to do this for 5 seconds or so. By that time, people's attitudes towards you are "set" in a more positive way. The rest is usually quite easy after that. It's worked for me so far.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

pick up sites have a lot of body language staff.you don't neseceraly have to be a pick up dude but some programs e.g body language or inner staff are really helpful.I am sure someone will comment on the pick up staff but keep an open mind about some of the programs cause they do help

 

[divethruhaze]

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[mimi1988]

most of the time I'm just completely unaware of my facial expressions, body language and how I say things to ppl lol. seriously, i can't tell u how many times i've had ppl tell me "you're mean!" OR ask me, "are you mad?" ..."are u sad?" and i'm just like, 'nooooooo, i'm not angry or sad!!!" LOL. dont mean to come off that way; but a lot of times i do (unfortunately). only advice i can give u is to try to be more aware of your facial expressions and body language. it's funny cause sometimes i've walked passed mirrors of myself in public and have thought (to myself), "damn i look mad!" or, "geez i look sad!" LOL.
Just try to pay more attention to your body language. try smiling a little more. i mean, dont smile too hard. bcus then ppl will still think something is wrong with you lol. u get the picture-- right?