(Un)Approachable / Avoidant / Rejecting

[klytus]

Greetings,

I think this topic is worthy of being discussed. Even though one may doubt the veracity of certain claims made on this page - perhaps due to the posters' anonymity - it is a recurring issue that many men (or women; this is gender-independent) on here have the following problem, or a slight variation of it:

"I've ruined the few opportunities that I've had all because of fear."

"I'm 26 and never had a girlfriend.I know how it feels but i'm going to put forth effort this year.I've had girls approach me and just started giving me a shoulder massage.i mean and i don't even know them."

That is, they were/are approached by women, however, rejected them because of their fears. The rejection part is understandable, since this is their actual reason for being here, seeking help. Beyond my understanding is the apparent fact that their body language and general approachability must seem natural and attractive enough for women to initiate contact.

It is almost contradictory. What circumstances are necessary for women to approach shy or morbidly anxious men? If one's looks don't deviate from normality too much, that factor is basically negligible. Then there is one's body language. This is one of the aspects that may severely influence one's chances with the opposite sex, but then, there are many cases where it simply becomes irrelevant. Like, online.

People are judged mostly based on their nonverbal cues and if those cues are strong, they can have strong effects on others. You could dress like a total slob and if you were this laughing and enjoyable personality, people would still love you. Everybody loved Chris Farley right, but he was still a fat sweaty pig, was he not? I loved him even though he was far from the most physically attractive person in the world. [...] People around you will change once you change yourself. Changing your emotional self and working on making yourself a happier and more balanced person is the surest way to success, so if you want people around you to react better to you, that is the best place to start.

I more or less agree with this point. The only part which makes me not believe it in its entirety is that many, if not all, of the guys at my former school to whom the women flocked, were quite miserable. The most wanted one of them even went to a psychologist, he had serious issues with his family and self-image. Almost all of them were quite unhappy. In fact, most people alive are only very seldom happy, or open to approaches. This is a consequence of the common lifestyle in our Western culture.

That is, I don't believe that having good body language, seeming happy or content with life, and openness to being approached are the factors that determine one's success in mating. Even if for our society it is more important to appear competent/confident than to actually be it, you can't reduce every single aspect of human mating to the illusion of confidence, or a lack thereof.

What makes people approachable, (sexually) attractive? What are the factors that must be present to make the person a candidate for mating? Is it really just money, or the illusion of power, confidence, looks? What does it mean to be "fun to be around"? Or "witty"?

I won't apologize for the "wall of text". That would just be a silly thing to do.

Cheers.

 

[Jake123]

Nothing is universal. Some people find the dark brooding thing sexy, some people the opposite sexy, or anything in between of any characteristic you can practically think of, it boils down to personal tastes of the individual person, physically and personality-wise... That's what they mean with "plenty of fish in the sea", there's so many different people. If it exists, someone somewhere out there will like it.
What one person likes may be repulsive to another, and vice versa.

 

[klytus]

If that is true, then there are plenty of people on this site who will most likely never get any sexual attention at all. Simply because they are too different from the tastes of the broad mass. To find that needle in the haystack you have to network a lot, which is basically impossible for many on here.

It must be especially bad to seem repulsive, or just not attractive, to pretty much everyone. Certainly, for everyone there is someone "out there". The likeliness, however, of meeting that person, and having the additional luck that he/she isn't already taken is quite close to zero. This is hard to accept.

 

[Liekki]

If that is true, then there are plenty of people on this site who will most likely never get any sexual attention at all. Simply because they are too different from the tastes of the broad mass. To find that needle in the haystack you have to network a lot, which is basically impossible for many on here.

It must be especially bad to seem repulsive, or just not attractive, to pretty much everyone. Certainly, for everyone there is someone "out there". The likeliness, however, of meeting that person, and having the additional luck that he/she isn't already taken is quite close to zero. This is hard to accept.

I pretty much agree to all what Klytus said here.

It's ironic, since I think many people would start making good progress and gaining self-confidence if they could find a suitable companion, and thus becoming more desirable to many more people.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I am guessing that the man in question is most likely physically attractive. In the past, I have approached good looking men who were shy. Of course, nothing came from it because they didn't seem to be interested. In retrospect, I know that they were interested but they were too shy to act on that interest. To be quite honest, my goal was to sleep with them. I had no interest in getting to know them apart from that so I wasn't going to wait for them to come around. Had I been single and come across them today, I wouldn't bother even if they are good looking.

In my experience, good looking people get approached regardless of their outward manner. I don't consider myself to be the most confident woman and I am not quite sure whether my body language conveys this message. I get approached whether I am feeling comfortable or not. It seems to make no difference to the men who approach me if I am scowling or smiling.

I'm sure body language may have some role to play but for the most part looks has a lot to do with being approached. I think that personality, sense of humor and all the things that truly matter come into play when you're getting to know someone. As I've gotten older, physical attractiveness is not enough to get me interested in a guy. I would not approach a man just because he is good looking. I would be disappointed if he did not have a good personality and then I would find myself not being sexually attracted to him.

I have become attracted to physically unattractive or average men because they were funny, confident (at least they acted confident) or good in bed. The same goes for other women I've known. One of my most beautiful friends had the biggest crush on a really ugly guy (the non-negotiable kind of ugly). She didn't even know him but she liked the way he carried himself.

 

[PennyLane]

I started a class a couple of months back and on the first day I met a guy who I had ask which room we were in. I got the impression from his smile and the way he was looking at me that he quite liked me. He even sat next to me and became my partner for the discussion that week. I was very nervous though, uncomfortable and awkward. I could tell by the end of the class his demeanor towards me had changed. I felt his initial attraction had been lost by seeing how awkward I was. After that I sat as far away as possible every week and never said another word to him.

In terms of what Liekki said about finding someone and feeling better, unfortunately that wasn't the case for me. The last guy I was with I was consumed with the thought that he could do so much better than me, even when he told me he loved me. I think the relationship made me much worse. At least when I was single I had a certain amount of not caring too much what anyone thought..the all of a sudden I had someone and their opinion meant everything to me. I was concerned about wearing the right things, being pretty/smart/interesting/fun enough for him. I always felt I was falling short of the mark, no matter how nice he was to me. I was always convinced he was cheating too..because how could I be enough. I was the most amazing and most awful time in my life.

 

[klytus]

I am guessing that the man in question is most likely physically attractive. In the past, I have approached good looking men who were shy. Of course, nothing came from it because they didn't seem to be interested. In retrospect, I know that they were interested but they were too shy to act on that interest.

Well, it certainly took some self-confidence to approach them, talk to them. In general, women are taught to be passive, often very much to their misfortune. Do you know of female friends of yours who would be willing to approach a guy?

To be quite honest, my goal was to sleep with them.

Rawr.

I had no interest in getting to know them apart from that so I wasn't going to wait for them to come around. Had I been single and come across them today, I wouldn't bother even if they are good looking.

Have you lost your interest in random sexual encounters? That is, if you were single. Has getting a couple of years older changed your attitude towards sex? Would you approach them, were they to display a mysterious personality?

In my experience, good looking people get approached regardless of their outward manner.

Heh. That is unlikely the case. Check this forum. There are lots of damn good looking people around. Some men here have very well built bodies and charming faces.

I don't consider myself to be the most confident woman and I am not quite sure whether my body language conveys this message. I get approached whether I am feeling comfortable or not. It seems to make no difference to the men who approach me if I am scowling or smiling.

Yes, for women this is different. (Confident/Arrogant) Men tend to approach them irrespective of their physical cues, like a rejecting, closed body language.

As I've gotten older, physical attractiveness is not enough to get me interested in a guy. I would not approach a man just because he is good looking. I would be disappointed if he did not have a good personality and then I would find myself not being sexually attracted to him.

Understandably. You said, you saw a similar mental development in female friends of yours. Do you think this is common for women in their twenties?

I have become attracted to physically unattractive or average men because they were funny, confident (at least they acted confident) or good in bed.

How did you find out they were good in bed? (Haha, now that I think about it, this question is almost rhetorical. The process by which you found out is obvious. I meant, attraction should, in general, predate sexual interaction.) What does it mean to be "funny" (for you)?

 

[Reiji Moritsugu]

Well...the first thing that comes to my mind is looks; I mean, if women approach those people then they must not be that bad looking, don´t you think?

Leaving the physical part aside...how about the possibility some women unconsciously - or consciously, as some people don´t even try to hide how miserable they feel - notice those are miserable or "damaged" people, and unconsciously / consciously want to be the ones who can fix the broken? it goes along the lines of what was said in an episode of House, something like this:

"You only want to be with me because I´m damaged; you actually are attracted to those who are broken because you feel you will be the one to actually fix the mess of a human being they are. You are not attracted to me because of who I am, but rather because of how screwed up my existence is."

Those are not the exact words, but the idea is there. There are also some women whose motherly instincts are much more developed than usual, so they want to be the ones who "mother" such people and take care of them, much like they would take care of their own child, a being who clearly cannot take on the world on his own.

It is like the case of those who are attracted to bad boys because they feel they will be the ones to change them, I would say.

The thing is that even if we do not say anything our body language, facial expression and many other things constantly send signals to others about how we view life, the world and ourselves. This is why some people say that darkness can be noticed from miles away, because it is noticeable indeed.

I do not think this would apply to extremely good - looking people, because those will get approached eventually even if they are constantly talking about how unfair life has been to them. This mostly regards those who are not as good looking and also miserable, but still get approached from time to time.

Then again, it is just a possibility and I may be as well typing nonsense after nonsense.

Almost forgot:

It must be especially bad to seem repulsive, or just not attractive, to pretty much everyone. Certainly, for everyone there is someone "out there". The likeliness, however, of meeting that person, and having the additional luck that he/she isn't already taken is quite close to zero. This is hard to accept.

But it is not zero I am not attractive - as to avoid saying repulsive -
for 99.9% of people and I found that 0.01% person. Hard to come across? indeed it is, and probably I just got that damn lucky...but if someone like me was able to do so, then everybody has a chance to do the same.

See you around

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Well, it certainly took some self-confidence to approach them, talk to them. In general, women are taught to be passive, often very much to their misfortune. Do you know of female friends of yours who would be willing to approach a guy?

I have definitely been the one to make the first move. There really was a time when I was much more bold. Often times, this did not work out well for me. I once gave a guy my number in school and from then on I was the "slut" of the school. I remember I used to have much more confidence with guys before that.

Have you lost your interest in random sexual encounters? That is, if you were single. Has getting a couple of years older changed your attitude towards sex? Would you approach them, were they to display a mysterious personality?

Being single would take some getting used to but I would not forgo the random sexual encounters. Last time I checked, there isn't anyone whom I would find sexually attractive around here. I would probably go to a different city to find someone. When I was single, I would just find myself a friend with benefits and I would basically just see that one person until something better came along. It's much more simple than starting a relationship with someone. The trick is to find someone who doesn't have a big mouth and doesn't have something to prove. Not too many of those around here.

If I were single, I might actually try to approach men as soon as I was ready to do so. I might be a little rusty but abstinence is not an option. lol I have my looks going for me, I can carry on a conversation, I have a wicked sense of humor and I'm sure I could pull some more tricks out of my sleeve. I wouldn't choose an "in your face" approach because that can scare some men off. I would have thought that telling a guy that I only wanted sex was good thing. I would love to try the mysterious approach but I would also like to have fun and experiment with different approaches. After all, everyone is different and it takes different approaches to reel in different people. The hunt can be very fun and exciting.

Heh. That is unlikely the case. Check this forum. There are lots of damn good looking people around. Some men here have very well built bodies and charming faces.

Point taken.

Yes, for women this is different. (Confident/Arrogant) Men tend to approach them irrespective of their physical cues, like a rejecting, closed body language.

I think these kind of men who approach me either don't care what kind of signals I am giving off or they're completely clueless. I seriously can't stand those kinds of guys. Especially when they get pushy or try to tell me what I'm really thinking or feeling.

Understandably. You said, you saw a similar mental development in female friends of yours. Do you think this is common for women in their twenties?

This is possible. I am sorry that I cannot give you a definite answer as I cannot speak for most women. I've known women who have been into the same type of guys since high school. It is no wonder they keep ending up in destructive or abusive relationships. Most of my female friends have grown out of only going for good looking men.

How did you find out they were good in bed? What does it mean to be "funny" (for you)?

What an impertinent question! ::

How do you think I found out whether they were good in bed?

I love witty people. I like clever humor as well as vulgar and stupid humor (I've laughed at some pretty stupid shit). Also, I love it when people do good impressions of others. I honestly do not have any grand expectations. A guy doesn't have to be George Carlin. If someone can make me laugh then I'm happy.

 

[klytus]

What an impertinent question!

Indeed. That's why I added a comment to my original post. (I'll respond to the rest a bit later. )

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

How did you find out they were good in bed? (Haha, now that I think about it, this question is almost rhetorical...

Or maybe you just have a dirty mind and wanted details.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

There are also some women whose motherly instincts are much more developed than usual, so they want to be the ones who "mother" such people and take care of them...

It is like the case of those who are attracted to bad boys because they feel they will be the ones to change them, I would say.

Guilty! Though I have been attracted to bad boys even if they were not damaged. I can't say that damage is the reason why I wanted these men.