I've been dealing with this illness for about two to three years already and it is consuming my life more and more each day. One of my main problems is going to stores and waiting in lines. I cannot stand lines and I cannot stand waiting. I hate waiting now! Waiting makes me Social Anxiety worse. I randomly get embarrassed at moments and start sweating from my forehead which causes me to get even more embarrassed because now I feel like people are like "why is he sweating if it's fresh in here" or something along the lines. Another thing is, is that I feel like I always have to look my best and even when I do look my best, I still have my anxiety. I cannot stand it and it's killing me because I use to get like this back when I was in school but I would never show embarrassment on my face. Sure I used to sweat from my face but I would have to be EXTREMELY embarrassed, and that would rarely happen. It's almost like I lost all self esteem and confidence. I have gained weight since High School which I think might have caused this just a bit. I also use to smoke marijuana daily from 2005 to 2009. I quit for a year and recently started again in March of 2011. The reason for me quitting was because it enhanced my social anxiety and made it even worse. I feel so self conscious when I do it, and it's stupid but I just like to smoke. Maybe I smoked too much? I don't know. I've also been drinking heavily since 2005. It turned from the weekends to everyday and since i was homeschooled, I did it even more. I also did crystal meth for about a year. I don't know if these drugs had something to do with all of this. But I really miss the old me who didn't care what people thought and use to be able to go into a store by myself and felt confident and comfortable. It sucks because now I have a two year old son and it's hard for me to go places with him and my girlfriend. Another thing is that it's putting a strain on our relationship. She goes to school full time and it sucks because usually after school she will have to run and do the errands that I cannot do. Which is usually paying bills, and grocery shopping. It hurts because I use to be able to go to dinner and to the movies and shopping, with no problem but now it just seems like I avoid it at every cost because I don't want to look like a fool. She helped me as much as she could and I appreciate it but it really took a toll on our relationship and it hurst that I cannot go see a movie or go to dinner with my girlfriend and son. But one thing I always hated since I was a teenager, was ordering for myself like at restaurants or paying for my items when we go to a cashier. So I think I've always had social anxiety but something (which i think was the marijuana because I've abused that and the alcohol the most) brought it out more and now i have a very hard time getting rid of it. Another thing is that I rarely hang out in groups. I have about 3 or 4 people I can call and talk to or go hang out with. 2 are my cousins and the other 2 are friends. I remember freshman year I was kind of a loner and then the next year I lost weight and became confident and I remember that I would talk to people like it was nothing. I made a lot of friends during my sophomore year and i felt like I was on top of the world. Once I started smoking weed during my sophomore year I noticed everything changed. I started to just hang out with my group of friends who did it and then everyone started going there own ways. I don't talk to any of them anymore except my cousin and girlfriend who use to hang out in our little group. I feel like I let the drug take over my life and that it caused me to isolate myself from society. I also feel like when I'm in public, that I don't know how to act. Another thing is that I use to be known as being gay back in school and was always bullied for it. Well that changed in 2008, when I started falling for my bestfriend. I loved her and had a kid with her in 2009. That was another thing that had people talking. I remember hearing something from a friend, that someone asked "wasn't he gay". It still hurts and I feel like everytime I see old class mates they are like "isn't that the gay guy who had a kid" and stupid things like that. I just feel hopeless and I don't know what to do anymore. && my girlfriend just left me like two days ago. :
: I just fear that she will find someone that is way better than me. and that can treat her and my son right. I don't feel worth anything. I don't have a job or anything. I feel like a loser. :/ I feel like losing weight to see if it will ease up. More than anything I just want a friend who understands what I'm going through. It hurts because my friends think I'm being dramatic.
: I just fear that she will find someone that is way better than me. and that can treat her and my son right. I don't feel worth anything. I don't have a job or anything. I feel like a loser. :/ I feel like losing weight to see if it will ease up. More than anything I just want a friend who understands what I'm going through. It hurts because my friends think I'm being dramatic.
