Tired of pretending

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Agent_Violet

Well-known member
I realized during my mini break that I'm sick of pretending I'm like everyone else. I'm tired of forcing myself to be cheery,smiley,social,etc...

I was at a music festival and everyone around me was so free with themselves...they danced like no one was watching and seemed to be having such an amazing time with their friends.

The only way I was able to let go was to smoke a LOT of weed. And even then I was still somewhat self conscious and on the verge of a panic attack.

disappointed in myself. I was doing SO well but as it turns out I was just pretending to be better I guess. Faking it til i was making it.

The guy i'm seeing is completely anti-social and shy. But he's that way and just doesn't care what anyone thinks or says about him. He was dancing like he was alone out there and had a smile on his face the whole time. Someone insulted the band logo on the shirt he was wearing and he just smiled and kept right on moving.

I wish I could be that way.
 
market.garden

market.garden

Well-known member
Agent_Violet said:
I realized during my mini break that I'm sick of pretending I'm like everyone else. I'm tired of forcing myself to be cheery,smiley,social,etc...
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I spent so much time trying to force myself to "fit in" with other people. It got pretty exhausting and I ended up thinking "Why the hell am I doing this?"

There are over 6 billion people in the world and everyone's different. Not wanting to be social or cheery all the time isn't necessarily wrong, it's just a personal trait. How far we let those traits control our lives and moods is another thing.
 
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revmis

Member
market.garden said:
I spent so much time trying to force myself to "fit in" with other people. It got pretty exhausting and I ended up thinking "Why the hell am I doing this?"
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Agreed. It sucks to spend a lot of time alone, but I always felt worse when I tried to fit in with people that I didn't really like that much. When I moved to the current place I live in 5 years ago, I already had problems socialising and stuff but I tried my best to make an effort. I found some interesting people that liked video-games and so I thought "hey! An opportunity to make some friends" - they turned out to be racist, homophobic and really narrow minded when it comes to any of the subjects discussed... oh and unreliable...

So I learned that finding people with similar interests is nice but it doesn't mean they are right for you for friendship / relationship.

(Agent_Violet): I guess what I was trying to say was to just be you and do your best to be ok with not fitting in - I know, it sucks but you will make yourself ill by trying to fit in with people that you're not on the same wavelength with.
 
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Agent_Violet

Well-known member
It's not even about trying to fit in, it's trying not to stand out. if that makes any sense.

I don't want people to notice me or look at me. When I was dancing, I kept my head down bc when i looked up there were guys and even some females watching me.

I'm not one to think people stare at me but this was too obvious to ignore. It made me want to hide.

So, basically, I don't care as much about fitting in as I care about just not being noticed and not standing out. so i do the smiley, cheerful thing to blend in...everyone notices the chick standing still in a crowd of happy, fun people.

make sense?
 
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revmis

Member
Yeah I think I get what your saying. Instead of having trouble fitting in, it's more about not wanting to draw too much attention to yourself because you don't like the posibilities of what others might think of you if you noticed that they had noticed you and whatever you might be doing... or have I got it wrong still?
 
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Agent_Violet

Well-known member
revmis said:
Yeah I think I get what your saying. Instead of having trouble fitting in, it's more about not wanting to draw too much attention to yourself because you don't like the posibilities of what others might think of you if you noticed that they had noticed you and whatever you might be doing... or have I got it wrong still?
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exactly right.

It's not at all about wanting to fit in, it's about wanting to stop caring what people think of me. I want to not care anymore.
 
market.garden

market.garden

Well-known member
Agent_Violet said:
make sense?
Click to expand...

Yep. On the extremely rare occasion I allow myself to be dragged to a club, I'm convinced people are staring at me no matter what I do, so I spend the entire night feeling really self conscious.

I know what you mean about wanting to not stand out more than wanting to fit in, but the truth is, as you're not doing anything radically different from anyone else at the festival or club or wherever you are, there's a high chance that you looked up at someone at the same time they happened to glance either at you, or in your general direction entirely innocently. One of the problems with anxiety issues is we automatically assume a casual glance, intentional or otherwise, is a bigger thing than it really is. We're just tuned into a way of thinking where we think "They must have been watching me for ages!"
 
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revmis

Member
Agent_Violet said:
exactly right.

It's not at all about wanting to fit in, it's about wanting to stop caring what people think of me. I want to not care anymore.
Click to expand...

I think everyone to a certain degree will always care about what other people think of them - it's really hard to shake. The only times when you would not care so much, if at all about what others think is when you're so distracted by whatever it is you're doing that you don't notice anyone noticing you. Which at times does happen when you're really busy with something or having a lot of fun (or alot of turmoil).
 
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da_illest101

Well-known member
I was like that at some point and for real I just felt empty in the end. Not able to feel anything at all, i didn't feel human anymore

*Just want to point out a commun mistake people make, anti social doesn't mean someone who doesn't talk to others or doesn't like others, it means someone who disregard someone else rights.
 
mikebird

mikebird

Banned
Weed was a pinpoint towards the end of school, where I joined others, and felt really social. Whatever thing you do is magic... if it's trainspotting, but glad to leave that weed when about 25 - the paranoia set into social situations. I much preferred buzz chemicals to downers.

Until now, I'm haunted that if I never enjoyed any weed I could have been the genius engineer I was hoping to be. And socialite?

Anything that goes down my aesophagus is the best. No lungs, or up the nose. Liquor, and all else. But the creeping SA has TWO main factors. Nothing else.

Born to be timid, and still now, but the magic phase was all worth it. :D :eek:

The third factor, which I detest, is life's good, smiley, forever happy person, following the parents :rolleyes:
 
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RaphielDrake

Member
Look, at the end of the day its all a matter of coming to terms with who you are.
Its up to you to run in fields, fetch balls and say "Yes, I am a golden retriever with a fluffy toy on my head and if you don't like it I'll chew your testicles off."

P.S. Well done on learning to type. I had my dog wired with a tesla collar and strapped to a chair watching an instructional video on how to do so for five weeks and the moron just couldn't pick it up. I must of shocked him 500 times for getting it wrong. Now everytime I start typing he just pisses himself and freezes. Guess I need to have him put down. *sigh*
 
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