burdeninyourhands
Active member
I am 24 years old and I live in new York, probably the most culturally diverse place on the planet and I have never been so indifferent about developing new relationships. The first time I thought I was in love should have been a precursor. For the future. I fell in love with this Guy when I was 12. Infactuation is the correct word. He would sing songs to my friend through her window on his guitar and pretty much give any friend the time of day. He didn't find my body attractive. As I entered high school I was 6 feet tall and about 270 pounds. I dressed like a punk to express myself. I received criticism for being African American and into punk rock music, only by my own people ofcpurse. I. Ad to feel like a outsider, no one would be seen with me. I created friendships but NP relationships. I watch my "pretty" friends treat people who liked them like crap, I could never imagine being that way to someone who found me attractive evenough to be interested. After high-school I started seeing a man in his 30s he never showed affection for me if I didn't ask for it. He cared more about his Guy friends and video games than me. He undermined my problems. The fact that I was 18 all my close family was dead I had body image issue. He never cared then he made sexual advances towards my roommate that she waited a year to inform me. She didn't wanna get thrown out cuz she couldn't find a job and we were staying at his place for a month. As you can tell in this ramble that my life is pretty horrible outside of relationships. I lost 65 pounds and I dress "normally" but it had made no difference. A desperate man might want to use me for sex but that's it. The only thing I asked God for is a loving relationship, its bad enough I have no family and totally selfinvolved friends who I have no interest in even maintaining a relationship with. I doubt I can even have children God hates me and wants me to live in isolation. I have no interest in even trying to date. I rather stay alone then lie to myself thinking this Guy is gonna think I'm beautiful and want to be with only me. Most people think alike if it hasn't happened in the past then it wont happen. The last relationship I had I felt like God has answered my prayers this man was into wrestling the same way I was and he was taller than me which is hard to find for women 6 feet tall. He lied to me for a month and then ran away no answering of text messages or phone calls. I was a idiot to believe I could find someone. I don't know why God wont take my life away, I get no pleasure from humans I actually. Hate people and their self centered munipulative ways, I don't make eye contact with people and I have no interest in lying to myself again. I want to die. While God makes me suffer here I have to accept the fact that I am not pretty and men don't want me. God didn't even think I was worthy of family. Looks like I'm spending another holidays alone.
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I am sorry you feel so alone..I can relate. But I just want to say, please don't put so much importance on how men look at you. Thats a huge mistake. If a guy likes you just for your looks that's an extremely shallow man and if he doesn't see beyond a few pounds to your heart same applies. Either way...don't place your happiness on how the opposite sex judges you, you will not like the out come.