Mephala
New member
Hello, this is my first post here and I'd like to share with you an idea I had.
First however, I'm afraid I'll have to give you a little backstory otherwise it might not make sense. Here goes..
I'm turning 23 in a few months, and I realized that I was stuck in a mental prison. Nothing but a high-school diploma, no driver's license, no friends to speak of, still living with my parents, no progress whatsoever with my SA, nothing.
Part of me wants to end it all, which tends to frighten me. I didn't make any suicide attempts to speak of, but it seems like it could happen at any time. I left the details at the bottom if you feel like reading them.*
That part of me is an idiot, but tends to overwhelm the other very quickly which is why, as soon as I get an idea that doesn't involve killing myself, I write it down before it stops making sense.
Here's what I want to accomplish in the long term : get a college education and my own place, which involves buying my own food, going to the hairdresser on my own, etc. All the every day stuff.
The solution that would've made the most sense if I didn't have SA would've been to rent an apartment in one of the major cities that houses a college that fits the education I need. (There are no dorms to speak of in the country I live in) Problem is, student apartments don't usually have the best neighbors and the city itself can be pretty damn scary, not to mention the outrageous rent.
Simply thinking about the city makes me anxious. Needless to say, I could never go through with this plan in my current emotional state, which is why I came up with an alternative.
I figured I could rent a place in a small town - the one I went to when I was in high-school - and work on my college courses from home. Since I know this town pretty well, I won't have to ask passer-bys for direction or anything like that, but since I'm on my own, I'll still have to take care of the everyday stuff.
I also believe that the simple act of leaving the parental home will be a huge boost to my self-esteem, which couldn't possibly go down any lower at this point. Problem is... I don't have any income - though I might be eligible for disability benefits. My parents aren't exactly rich either, so they might not accept this compromise if they feel like it's just a waste of time.
Do you think I should go through with it? If not, what should I do instead?
I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I will ask him the same questions, hopefully this is a step in the right direction. In any case, thank you for reading
*I remember stealing my dad's shotgun and googling the best way to insure I'd die from a gunshot wound. Later on, I looked into buying the necessary ingredients to make hydrogen sulfide. Finally, I left myself out in the cold during Christmas, half naked. I figured hypothermia was the best way to go because it leaves the brain more or less intact. I got to the point where I wasn't shivering anymore and my head felt very dizzy before I allowed myself back into the house.
First however, I'm afraid I'll have to give you a little backstory otherwise it might not make sense. Here goes..
I'm turning 23 in a few months, and I realized that I was stuck in a mental prison. Nothing but a high-school diploma, no driver's license, no friends to speak of, still living with my parents, no progress whatsoever with my SA, nothing.
Part of me wants to end it all, which tends to frighten me. I didn't make any suicide attempts to speak of, but it seems like it could happen at any time. I left the details at the bottom if you feel like reading them.*
That part of me is an idiot, but tends to overwhelm the other very quickly which is why, as soon as I get an idea that doesn't involve killing myself, I write it down before it stops making sense.
Here's what I want to accomplish in the long term : get a college education and my own place, which involves buying my own food, going to the hairdresser on my own, etc. All the every day stuff.
The solution that would've made the most sense if I didn't have SA would've been to rent an apartment in one of the major cities that houses a college that fits the education I need. (There are no dorms to speak of in the country I live in) Problem is, student apartments don't usually have the best neighbors and the city itself can be pretty damn scary, not to mention the outrageous rent.
Simply thinking about the city makes me anxious. Needless to say, I could never go through with this plan in my current emotional state, which is why I came up with an alternative.
I figured I could rent a place in a small town - the one I went to when I was in high-school - and work on my college courses from home. Since I know this town pretty well, I won't have to ask passer-bys for direction or anything like that, but since I'm on my own, I'll still have to take care of the everyday stuff.
I also believe that the simple act of leaving the parental home will be a huge boost to my self-esteem, which couldn't possibly go down any lower at this point. Problem is... I don't have any income - though I might be eligible for disability benefits. My parents aren't exactly rich either, so they might not accept this compromise if they feel like it's just a waste of time.
Do you think I should go through with it? If not, what should I do instead?
I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I will ask him the same questions, hopefully this is a step in the right direction. In any case, thank you for reading
*I remember stealing my dad's shotgun and googling the best way to insure I'd die from a gunshot wound. Later on, I looked into buying the necessary ingredients to make hydrogen sulfide. Finally, I left myself out in the cold during Christmas, half naked. I figured hypothermia was the best way to go because it leaves the brain more or less intact. I got to the point where I wasn't shivering anymore and my head felt very dizzy before I allowed myself back into the house.
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