Things are really hard for me right now *Long post*

[MadCat]

Edited: Ok I put it back up..may delete it later

I thought people would just find me stupid and I didn't feel like getting bad comments anytime soon.

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As I sit here playing Guild Wars, it comes to my attention how imperfected everything is, including me.

Ever since I was diagnosed with my mental illness/es I have wondered why I could not be like everyone else.

The first time I fell in love was the longest hope I ever had. She gave me what I did not have..HOPE! Every night I would lay my head down on my pillow and think nothing else but her, I even dreamed of her. Nothing ever lasts forever and it ended..who ended it? Myself! But why? I still have no obvious reason. I could never live up to what I wanted and my future was surely grim. How could I make her feel good about herself when I wither in my own negative self. I try to shrug off these things from my mind but they always return and take over my mind.

I feel incapable of loving another person in a way they find satisfying. My head drops to the ground in sorrow as I write this.

But am I missing something? It takes 2 people to love. Yet I only see in black, not black or white, or grey, just black....I expect that I should be the only one who can love and others could never love me back. Is this why it never works out?

No matter how I try I can never accept a person loves me. No matter how they prove it, I always tell myself that I am not worthy of being loved and throw it aside. But hey, there's a big problem here. If I feel that I can only try to love, do people turn me down for the same reasons? Reality check!! No, I don't think so. So what? I have to find a solution. The only one that seems to make sense and what I have stuck by has been the fact that I love and fail and everyone loves and fails. Love doesn't exist, but I try to make it happen. Am iI loving/being loved but seeking perfection?

No matter what method or way I look at it, things turn out bad. My biggest weakness has to be not accepting ignorance as a way of life. I try not to ignore anything except the things that cause me great pain, but once past that stage the pain is too great to ignore and it becomes all so clear.

This is the longest time I have been ill and not had a girlfriend. Why should it bother me? I guess it's because I feel weak and a failure. These guys are able to get girlfriends easy but me? I am looking for a very specific type. Anyway, It's been well over a year since I actually had a girlfriend online. Before hand I only used to be without one for a few months. A year must not be long, I suppose, but to give you an idea of my age. I will be happy to live to 40, yet I'm 21. I feel half my age already so I guess it's been 2 years.

Every moment I do not have someone to talk to me I feel horrible. You know what really gets me? Women will choose guys who are less sensitive to guys like me, who even they claim that I am very nice and understanding. I will sit down and listen to their problems for hours and other emotional support. I truly am a selfish selfless man..it's true! While I care about my needs mostly I cost myself a huge amount of emotional pain by helping others feel better about themselves. Isn't that what a woman would want? A man who REALLY would like to get better and help others. I do not want a job that pays, I want to do it all volunteer. I don't care how much it costs me, but in future I just want to help people who suffer more. My target? The developing world. Anyway, I suppose it makes sense. A guy who causes himself pain to help others is not a stable person. I never ask for help, but no one really offers it to me either. Now here's the bit that makes the selfish selfless make sense. When someone tries to do the same for me (offer emotional support) I will not accept it and hurt them in return. So I'm the only one who is allowed to do it, right? Selfish! Or am I wrong?

I may seem like I don't want to do some things, but I really do. I want to grab my girl and hug her..I want to tell her I love her, I want to show her by giving and accepting. Not material stuff, because I don't have much of that, but with...

:sigh:

It's a dream. Requirement for happiness includes a part of me that is a dream, it's just never gonna happen. As you can see, I am negative as hell. This is my downfall and I'll never improve it. I'll never get to touch another girls hand, not in real life. Someone HUG me, even an E-HUG.......If a girl can get past my horrible looks, what does she have under that is so attractive? There isn't anything. I am a frankenstein inside and a monster on the outside. Women/Girls who pass through that and find something good are rare and/or already taken.

With my life and illness, I can never find someone like that. I haven't even tried to, I've waited and done everything I can. A year later I haven't even talked to a female to the point of getting personal in such a way. Sure I've had some deep conversations and emotional things happen but not even any of them would be interested in anything more. I dunno, they just get scared and I find they are scared of me so I do them a favor and just leave.

Silence, Darkness, Loneliness...The Shadow that walks and everyone mistakes for another shadow.

I cast a shadow but it's all a person can see. WHY CAN'T I BE INLOVE!!!! *cries*

I thought I was getting over this, but it's striked back big time because of the length of being completely alone. I was in bath earlier and just wanted to lay there and die. I gotta find someone, but I just can't. I won't accept anyone. Desperate and losing it!!!!

 

[SPECTACULAR]

oh my god...
when i read such posts, I wish i could have a girls company or something like that so i can give a girl everyday. one you can hang out with. one you make love to. one you dump(you like doing that i suppose :wink: ).
it is just hard to see someone suffers like this and not doing nothing about it.

Buddy, it isn't only you on the planet. i am the same too. i love many people. but i don't let anyone loves me. i just can't. when i love someone, they don't love me. and when they love me, i don't love them. i sometimes think that sharing love with someone and having it back is not exisiting in my life. i know that isn't helping but i thought it might make feel better to know there is some people like you too.

one of the summer vacations when i was little, i visited my uncles where they live in a town far away from the city. i saw on of my cousins and i fell in love with her. i sure didn't know what that feeling was when i was at that age. but it was something in my heart. when i see her my heart goes faster than usual. i can't get my eyes off her. and i just want to look at her forever. the problem was in telling her that and as long as i'm a social phobic it was hard like hell. i can't even tell her to get me a cup of water. how in the world am i gonna go and tell her that i love her?
so i just kept that feeling inside me. I gave up. when i see her i feel happy and i inhale much air than usual amount. when she is away i just think of her and what is she probably doing by now. and this is all.

at least you have had loved once. i didn't have two-ways love ever. it's always one way. from me or to me. but i still hope that one day i will love someone and she will love me back. and i will never let it go. i swear.

thank you for bringing the topic back in. i guess i wasn't supportive as i promised but i hope you find your love soon.
peace.

 

[Remus]

I think Madcat you need to get better first before thinking about relationships, you seem to be torturing yourself about it, I know in your youth it can be frustrating as the hormones are still raging and that unbalances everything, that dosnt last though, I got into awful depressive states in my late teens/early 20's alot of it to do with frustration and hormones.

Sorry if this sounds patronising, I guess you figured it all out already as you are a very intelligent chap, do wish I could wave a magic wand sometimes and people would be OK

 

[outside_looking_in]

HUG!!! Big caring empathetic hug! Any time, Madcat, more of us should ask.

You write very eloquently, have you ever written poetry? Or song lyrics?

 

[MadCat]

Remus:

The problem is that I feel like if I cannot be accepted now as being able to even start a relationship or be involved in one, then why would that matter if I get *better*? Sometimes when a person is not well or at their worst it can bring it the best in them, even test to see if they are capable of something.

As for the age, I really am not interested in what 70% of people this age do. Clubs, alcohol, parties, socializing and having fun in stupid ways, etc. Does that make me a boring person or very mature? Only I can really answer all these question. One thing that does make me wonder about some people gettting better, and that is where a person has huge eating disorders. A girl diets, and diets and diets but never feels better unless she loses more weight. Where does it stop or when does it stop! It is like a ever-moving train stuck on tracks that are downhill. No matter what, it will not stop unless it comes off the rails. Anyway, thankyou for you input, well appreciated.

outside_looking_in:

Thanks alot! That's probably the second time in my life that I've asked for a hug. I've only given about a few too LOL

I have not ever written poetry or anything other than a couple of short stories. Over the years the only way I could be heard online was to try to express as much through text as possible. Not sure if that worked, but you seem to confirm that maybe it's somewhat true.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

hey madcat - my heart goes out to you! i can't say that i understand completely b/c i haven't experienced all the emotions you're describing but it sounds like you have alot of self-esteem problems that deffinately need to be resolved before you get in a serious relationship. you have to have self worth!

I am a frankenstein inside and a monster on the outside.

my heart hurts reading this! you're just as good as any other person. i'm sure there's alot more to it than just self-worth and self-esteem, i also see alot of frustration and depression and almost apathy. i wish i could tell you something besides what i'm sure you've been told so many times before like all of us have "just keep going" "things will get better" blah blah blah i know

but things can get better and you just have to stop beating yourself up. self-acceptance!! that's such an important word (or bi-word, double word, i dunno) you have to look at yourself as a whole and focus on what you're capable of and good at and not what holds you back or you will be held back the only thing that will break the cycle of you wanting human affection (may it be love or a friend) and then rejecting it b/c you feel you're not worthy of recieving it is to accept yourself.

at 19 i've just begun to learn to accept myself, to be independant even - i had to coming out of a break-up. it's not easy! it's like growing up, we hit puberty and we start thinking "who am i?" and now hitting adulthood it's "do i like who i am? can i change it?" at least it is for me. like i say i can't say that i understand what you're going through b/c i dont' know all you're cercomstances and everything that's going on in your life, i just talk from experience and hope that something helps you a little.

you've always got support here, even just to talk to someone - don't let this eat you completely up b/c it will in a heartbeat. ((hugs)) hang in there and i hope you find your way.

 

[aaaiiihhh]

Madcat - I use to tell my boyfriend all the time, that someday you're going to find out that I am not the one for you. That i am not as great as he thinks I am. That he will find someone better. He hated it when I did that, obviously.

And I just realized that I don't do that anymore. I am trying to think of why I don't. I guess it's because of distractions, ambitions, and having more confidence in myself.

It's difficult to find love sometimes when you're so emotionally engaged in finding love. Love is obviously not forced, so why force it?

Concenrate your life in other things. You said you want to volunteer. That's quite honorable. Why not concentrate on that and put all the love you have into that?

I know this desire you have isn't something you can just shut off. You can't just all of a sudden turn it off. But if you do concentrate on other things in your life, it'll just automatically turn off. And love will show up when you least expect it.

Of course it's not easy to do this, but only you can do this. And you CAN do it.

 

[maggie]

hiya MadCat!.... nice to see you posting again ....but sorry you're feeling badly....hope things get better for you

 

[MadCat]

also see alot of frustration and depression and almost apathy.

Not almost, but you really hit the nail on the head. Infact, thankyou..I never realized I was apathetic in nearly all areas except a few. I really don't care about anything, infact you may be able to tell from my post in the London bombing thread that I didn't really care/find it interesting.

2 things that interest me are playing games on my computer all my waking life and learning stuff through web surfing.

This is probably the reason why I just disappear and can't be bothered to return. It's because it just doesn't interest me. Anyway, this all links to my motivation problems too...don't take care of myself and rather just play games all day, even if my health is at risk.

ROFL I'll probably disappear again soon and return a month later. Thanks again!

Maggie:

Hi there Maggie Still have that avatar? I hope things are at least OK for you and not too bad.

 

[maria]

hello

hey I just read your post and really I felt like I was talking to myself. Some people think Im stuck up because of the way I act sometimes. They think I think Im all that because I am attractive. Although thats not the case. Insteed its the opposite,and they dont even understand me. Thats one of the problems for me is I dont feel like Im in my realtionships they could ever understand me if they never been through what I have. I have a temper and alot of times I will push people away because Im scared of getting hurt. Been hurt to many times and now its hard to trust. Plus everyone says Im picky but I feel I wont settle for anything less than the best. That doesnt have to be look wise either just something. I want someone to really know me not just alittle and than the other things they dont like basicly ignore. I feel sometimes I aint good anough either because I am housebound and how can I let someone be here with me the rest of there life. I dont even want to be here. I am 24 years old and I have been lonely without someone for a long time. Yes I have had boyfriends, but still felt like I was alone. They never really made me feel like they really wanted to know me. Everyone said nothing can be perfect maria but I think perfect is what you make it. I think Im just a dreamer. well I also think that I will probley never find true love either, cause its like one dissapointment after another. I am tring not to give up hope and I hope you dont either. Please reply back MARIA