The Never Ending Journal

[Falkor]

The Never Ending Journal

How are you doing? This is a journal, as some might know I have been writing one before but I haven't got the guts to keep on writing and now I found the courage right back. I thought, well, let's write a more structured one because I really got dizzy by all my coloured writings on SPW. I used to write in Bolt and a lot of Red, Purple and Green. Now I'll just stick to normal font. In fact I like this font, so who cares.

Improvement has been made, yet... still the big fat monster S.A.D is here, yikes!

I just made some improvement in my life by stepping back into college after four years of isolation and Mental hospital visits to get over anxiety, though I was too terrified those years to even enter a super market. Now I managed it, and it takes a lot of pressure on me to go to school everyday. I'm very socially anxious and never sit in the canteen for e.g, if I do, I sit alone since I'm not capable of talking to strangers. I know my classmates but I feel left out sitting with them whilst they talk about a lot of stuff and I don't know how to be in the conversation, yup, I'm a backgrounder.

Well, still I should keep a little sprankling light on here, and not get too destructed on my writing in negathings, so let's say that I have accomplished to find a dream, I want to be an animator, I want to find a scholarship to become an animator, you know those movies from Disney and Pixar? Well, that's what I want to create, movie characters. It would be so lovely to do so. Though I don't know if i'm the right person to do it, if not I'll just stick to web developing stuff on Html and Javascript. Yea, you can consider me as a geek, I guess.

I just managed to meet up with a chat friend last week, and I will describe in my journal in all details how it went, with lots of anxious moments and panic feelings in a full crowded train and stations, and a bunch of people staring at me probably to observe yikes, but still a good time with my friend.

And I will describe my depression lately, I feel a little low and depressed lately, it's not fun and I wish I could boost my mood again, but I don't really know where its coming from but I can try to describe much on SPW.

And of course, my songs, guitar playing, piano playing and artwork will be posted in this Journal, just to show you guys what I'm really proud of, I love music from the soul.

Well, I just hope you will like my blog and I will defenitely keep you posted this time, Deal!!

Saskia (Falkor)

 

[Srijita52]

Hey, nice to read your new journal.

Its amazing that you want to be animator, seems so creative. Good luck with following your dreams
I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I hope it goes away soon. You've made so much improvement, just keep your chin up.

 

[MikeyC]

And I will describe my depression lately, I feel a little low and depressed lately, it's not fun and I wish I could boost my mood again, but I don't really know where its coming from but I can try to describe much on SPW.

It's unfortunate that this has come back. You seem like a very determined person so hopefully it'll go away.

I already like your new journal.

 

[Hoppy]

Good luck, looking forward to it.

My sister-in-law is also named Saskia.

 

[Falkor]

The dark road has a light

Hello everyone, here's another journal of mine. This will be a short one but very to the point. I just have a rough day, I am with my girlfriend for two weeks already but we are a little going downwards with the relationship by lots of aspects and it affects our relationship. I'm really worried and afraid, why must this happen? I just want to have a great time!. :: , It's just that sometimes the dark road will appear. I don't know why. I guess it's a lot of stress factors, she has a lot of stress at work, a very hectic job. I have a lot of thoughts, I mean, I wish some things could be more positive and I'm bothered by stuff, she too, and let's hope we won't destroy this. I'm just so not happy to go today but I will go to my home to relax for a while.

But the angels will come back, to help us, I'm SURE! I mean, when I look into her eyes, I see a light, I just don't know, I just hope the sun light will come again, I pray.

 

[Falkor]

Care is love Written by Sassy © ~I just really need to write this, because I'm on the edge, and it helps me to express what I feel deep inside, this is my message.....~

To care for a child, is a beautiful wonder.
The care of your mother, is a raising sun.
The care of your father, is a strong hand to hold.
The care of life given, is gold.

The care, of each moment, should be praised.
By luck and hugs to any race.
Every person, please listen, please hold the hand.
Don't fight and spoil any land.

The care, of my grandmother, is the most caring deal.
Even though we might fight, we will always heal.
The care of my brother, is a sweet thing to do.
To make him smile with anything we share and be so true.

The care of my mother, she's an angel from above.
She might be a rocky mountain, and can sure make me feel pissed.
But when she's right there with the tearlight back from storm,
I know she will always be there to make me feel warm.

The care of my grandpa is a beautiful smile,
Always so happy and brightly arrived,
Always when he's making a joke I know he means the life,
that is telling him to.

The care of my dad, is a strong, strong pure kind.
He always protects anyone who is there for him to find.
He wants to carry us on together, even though we might fail.
But oh dear, he always is there wether my tears are locked in my own jail.

The care of my girlfriend, a loving loving angel.
She was there to rescue when I needed a helping hand,
She is the sexiest lover and a golden friend.
Even though we might have some dark roads to walk upon,
Please let me tell her that I am so happy with her that I do belong.

My heart, is filled with angels, I hope you all know I'm there wether we might argue about not so fun stuff, so why bother and just let the sunrise appear, that we shouldn't argue cuz it won't get us anywhere.

Let's just have fun, together, in the storm, cuz the storm might be windy, but it is a nice wind to fly on so we can go on

 

[Falkor]

College, next week...

Hello everyone, next week my school will start again, and the schedule is changed. The next week I have to go to school from 8:30 until 4:30 PM. Those days will be much longer than first, so I need to get used to that way of living. Though, it's nice to spent longer hours at school to study more and I will get extra Mathematics lessons because I'm really bad at it. :: I still want to improve though, I love to get feedback on it and learn. My girlfriend helped me out too this week and I'm really grateful, it made me understand precents more. I will be spending great hours on school next week, but in my spare time, I will just relax as much as I can...

Skype

try to be on Skype for the SAUK goal.. There are people to actually help you on Social Anxiety by Skype sessions... So that's really a bless!

Music from the soul

I will record in a studio next week, I will go to a local studio and there I will record for YouTube in master quality. I will record my voice with a high quality microphone and a Mac computer as for video taping and with guitar playing on a nice guitar from there, so let's rock the music. I just got this opportunity and now I will take my feet and step there, I don't care what people think, It's my dream and now is the chance to make it. I will also do backing vocals of a nice song called summer song, I need to go to The Haque over here in Holland to meet them, so first I wanna know them in person on SKype, of course. But it all seems pretty good. So, as far for my passion music things are going fine.

Mother

I will take care of my mother tomorrow because she just lost her voice and I will help her by some stuff, love to help by cooking and she's very sick so I will stand by her side. I hope I can be a good company, I bet she missed me, I missed her too of course. And my brother he still has holiday so I think we're gonna go for a run outside to play soccer or mountaine-bike. He's a nice kid.

 

[MikeyC]

College, next week...

Hello everyone, next week my school will start again, and the schedule is changed. The next week I have to go to school from 8:30 until 4:30 PM. Those days will be much longer than first, so I need to get used to that way of living. Though, it's nice to spent longer hours at school to study more and I will get extra Mathematics lessons because I'm really bad at it. :: I still want to improve though, I love to get feedback on it and learn. My girlfriend helped me out too this week and I'm really grateful, it made me understand precents more. I will be spending great hours on school next week, but in my spare time, I will just relax as much as I can...

That's a big day! I hope you relish the opportunity.

 

[Srijita52]

Good luck with your college

 

[Falkor]

Sick of hopelessness::

Hey everyone,
I have severe social anxiety and I thought I would describe my life today. I am sick, of all the pain I’m going through. I am terrified of crowds, It triggers a major panic attack, I just want to feel different and change my whole friggin’ life. I don’t wanna be scared anymore, having a low self esteem and be terrified. I know I have been writing a really positive post, about that I’ve improved so much, and yes I did. I changed if comes to action, i am back in college, I am happy that I am, though it’s so ridiculously hard to be in college with social anxiety. I trip everytime i’m walking in the canteen from panic attacks, I hyperventilate every moment I’m waiting in front of the class. It’s so difficult, people.


So I’m sick of these fears and I will see my therapist today, I’m glad I will see her, I’m really really really glad.
We will make a plan, I will get a trainer who will practice with me by giving me company sitting in the canteen, since it’s very hard for me to be there, with all those crowds, when I have a panic attack, he or she will be there for me, to support, i’m so thankful i will get a person who will HELP me. yEAH i’m really hopeless.

I am thinking of going to toastmasters this weekend, It’s a meeting for people who have speaking fear, and they will have to be on stage to speak in front of an audience, so people will have to introduce themselves and get used to the fact of talking in front of a huge crowd, I really hope I won’t cancel my meeting and avoid it, I won’t i won’t i won’t. I have to be there on this friday, and I will make it, I’m not going to avoid it I’m just gonna make it. I will make a huge step there, meeting strange people who online just welcomed me, I asked them about the meeting and i’m very welcome they said, so why should i hesitate, because of this stupid fear. Please let me go there and speak there so I will get used to my fears, thank you!!!!!!!


I have another plan and that is going to describe my social anxiety more in details on youtube, in more languages, so people will know what I’m talking about. What is really the point. If you want to check out some of my videos about social anxiety, you can find it here on my blog, I have a lot of notes for you to read. I am just sick of this same old road, I want to change my stupid negative thinking. yup!!!

 

[MikeyC]

You aren't giving yourself enough credit. You are doing so well and, while it's hard to see that through all the negatives you are currently experiencing, the positives are definitely there to be seen. The fact that you're at college and are going to these meetings and stuff with severe social anxiety is a huge achievement in itself.

Good luck with sitting in the canteen. I'm sure you'll be okay with the trainer sitting with you. You're doing so great. Keep it up.

 

[Srijita52]

I'm sorry about what you're going through but I agree with Mikey, you're being too hard on yourself. The fact that you're trying your best to beat your anxiety means a lot. I'm sure you can sit in the canteen and good luck with everything