The hurting Goodly

[UnofficiallyMe]

Hello'

I fear I am in love with this inner pain. It comes and goes but has always been there. It is like I wish happiness was but a dream. I am not so much depressed as SA but it is there none the less.

For me, it started in 4th grade. I moved from a town of 5000 people to the suburbs of Houston. needless to say, ahhhhhhh. That was crazy. Houston is 4 million people.

I went from being a happy, normal dorky kid with some friends to a place that was alien. No one liked me and within one week of school, I was the outcast. Even the other outcasts kicked me away....

There were bad times for many, many years. In late junior high, I started becoming desperate to fit in. Then came the drugs, drinking and smoking. They curbed the depression and Social Anxiety. Constant bullying from before still haunted me.

I wore all black in a world of preppy, rich kids. My hair was long and black. NIN was my favorite band. It was the late 90's. I remember one day, this kid came up to me. I was all alone. I did no know him. I was dressed in a dog collar, chains, green docs. I looked the freak. With know one around to hear him, he said freak as he walked by.

That hurt more than anything else. Why?

Then high school ended, which in and of itself is a much longer story. You get the abridged version. I tried college but could not fit in. I did not know what I wanted to do. I had friends but they treated me like crap. The abused my car, me and took from me all they could. I fled the state, got married and turned off for a few years.

Death woke me up. My sister was pregnant with triplets. She gave birth. One after another they died within 2 days. This brought on a dark period. Woke me up though. Made me start to question life. I had been a married recluse for a long time. Work and home.

I had a son too and loved what he brought to my life. He is now 5. Though I am married that was its own journey. I dated a lot in high school but they were broken girls like me. They only tore me more. Made me more anxious.

Its just been building. I finally graduated college at 30 last year but spent very little time talking to people or being involved. sigh.

Now I turn to medicine. God has been with me but I am so broken I wont let me be fixed, though I have had beautiful periods of peace and no worries. I miss those times. I have not had a real friend in so, so many years.

ah well. Now I work with my sister. no one new to meet, even if I could.

See, the hurting goodly.

I love this place. Just wish we all lived closer. So we could be like friends.

No one else understands and that stinks. Its just a weird thing. Thanks everyone for being so nice and open. I never feel judged here.

 

[Sial Axetder]

wow. You've lived a life time already.
I can relate to high-school and your fashion choice. Although I did pursue the fashion of all black and dog collars, I wanted to. Socially not acceptable.

Darkness awaits. It is patient. When it is free to enter there is barely a thing we can do to stop it. There is an end, as we know. It is just sometimes so hard to see a way out.

Judge, not judge. Unless a need, a want to be judged in return .. then.. judge away.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I could be wrong but, married, one kid, and a job, isn't it the definition of success in this society?
I mean this is on what standard people will judge you, and you have all of this.
I suspect you think they judge you badly when in fact they probably judge you like a normal person. But again I could be wrong.

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

well, thank you but you make it sound a little better than it is. I graduated from college in august and I am just now getting a part time job. Its a good job but i am on medicaid and food stamps. I live in a little duplex we rent.

I am not hung up on the past but it did shape me into who I am. I was bullied and left to myself, family included for 5 or 6 formative years and then filled myself with drugs and some really awful friends. if only you could know. sigh again.

I am happy in that I am married to a wonderful woman, and my son is awesome. Yet there is so much stress from life right now. Its a constant go go go. I help my mom to make some money and I am thrust into all her problems and cant seem to get free. My dog is sick but they want like $400 to fix em and just thing after thing.

I am sure hoping these meds work. This is day one and I feel a bit crazy. Just had to pass out while I should have been working. deadlines and crap.

recently some friend from back when just told me how pathetic I was and am. HA! its funny too cuz his life is way more of a mess than mine. I just wish I had a friend or two to like hang with and be myself. I dont even like talking about me. I know I am doing that here but.. I dunno.

It helps here for some reason. This is a cool place. No one yells at each other and we take one another for who we are.

Thanks for all the advice. I know I should be happier. I dunno.

 

[Phoenixx]

Wow. I'm sorry for what you, and even your sister, went through. You've been through a lot already, and you're only 30.

I graduated from college in august and I am just now getting a part time job. Its a good job but i am on medicaid and food stamps. I live in a little duplex we rent.

I know that's not much, but at least it's a start I'm sure things are bound to get better.

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

man, you are awesome at being encouraging. I dont care about success in the eyes of others, just myself. I feel I am crippled into not being able to flourish. I want to be more but here I am.

The meds are starting to help I think. Hard to tell.

Really, thanks for being so uplifting. I bet you make one heck of a friend, even if you dont know it

 

[Sial Axetder]

man, you are awesome at being encouraging. I dont care about success in the eyes of others, just myself. I feel I am crippled into not being able to flourish. I want to be more but here I am.

The meds are starting to help I think. Hard to tell.

Really, thanks for being so uplifting. I bet you make one heck of a friend, even if you dont know it

I am willing to wager a bet that if you let yourself loose and became you ... you'd be one heck of a friend as well.

That's hardest part though. Letting the border patrol go so we can be who we are. I can do alright.

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

yeah, everyone is just another brick in the wall. been so hurt over so many years that I cannot let that wall down.

See, I know there are some good people around me but all I can see is the potential for them to hurt. I cannot let go.

Things are looking better. hope is the key.

 

[Phoenixx]

man, you are awesome at being encouraging. I dont care about success in the eyes of others, just myself. I feel I am crippled into not being able to flourish. I want to be more but here I am.

The meds are starting to help I think. Hard to tell.

Really, thanks for being so uplifting. I bet you make one heck of a friend, even if you dont know it

Thanks! It's funny, because usually I'm really pessimistic. I guess when I see other people having problems, I just push mine completely to the side and give all the optimism that I have left to them. And yes, I really didn't think I was that great of a friend, but thank you

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

yeah i am the same way, negative to me and positive to others. I think thats why people are so confused

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

Wow, where three years have taken me.. I wish I could express it all into words on a page.. but I am still thankful for this group.. There is hope, and I am better today than I was then..