The concept of...dating 'just because'

[WeirdyMcGee]

I've been single for almost 2 years now, after being in one and only one relationship for 8 years.
I'm agoraphobic and depressed and I've been this way for awhile now.

Everyone around me seems to think that going on dates from time to time would perk me up and help me to look at things from a more optimistic view.
I think that perhaps, making a friend or two in the town I'm living in now would be nice and probably the extent of my social outreach for now... but still- my sister, mother, father, aunts and uncles all insist on setting me up with people who I don't even know (blind dates, yes.) which makes me uncomfortable to say the least... I let them know how it makes me feel too- but no one seems to understand the concept of agoraphobia; they just assume that one day I'll wake up and be 'normal'.

Thanksgiving was supposed to be my first 'blind date' - my second first date ever... and this is how it went:
My sister invites me to her place in the city for turkey dinner. I accept.
I arrive in the city and make my way to her house- terrified by some of the characters I'd been within elbow length of on the streetcar; and figure I REALLY need to stay indoors for the rest of my stay with her so that I don't go insane! ... anyways! I'm at my sister's place, I settle into the guest room then she asks me if I remembered hanging out with her boyfriend's friends the year before last.
I said 'vaguely', (since neither of them really spoke to me at all and I assume whenever I'd gone anywhere with my sister and her friends or her boyfriend's friends- they just saw me as a little girl in the corner who rarely said anything unless spoken to first.)
She says that one of his friends thought I was 'very cute'.
I said; "that's nice. It's a shame no one ever bothers to tell me that to my face."
She went on to say that he was alone for thanksgiving and she wanted to invite him over for dinner.
I didn't really care.
Then she tells me that it's basically a 'double date'.
... even though she knew that I'm really emotionally messed up and not nearly anywhere ready to attempt interacting with someone-- them; having the impression that I was romantically open... she set this up ahead of time. As a date.
I asked her why she'd do that-- because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by being uninterested... and if he got to know me anyways; he'd realize that I'm like... agoraphobic and never leave my room. -___-

It was too late to call it off, so he came over anyways.
I was polite; because that is just how I am--- he didn't say a single word to me, even after I said "hey! There's a familiar face!" - "The cable box is being a bastard tonight... I guess we should've rented a DVD instead" << those were literally the only things I'd been able to say openly- to everyone and not just him; and 3 minutes after he arrived and took off his coat and shoes; he snuck off and left.
I don't know if it's because he's severely shy or if he just thought I was someone else and decided he wanted nothing to do with me-- or maybe he was pressured into it like I was and chickened out... but hell; that hurt my feelings alot.
I tried my best to be social for the 3 minutes he was around. haha! and then he just left without even saying "hi" or "bye"
My sister and her boyfriend never told me what his problem was, so I've been left with this horrible taste in my mouth about 'potentially dating' ever again.

So... I suppose from the beginning of this story I wanted to know if anyone else is constantly told to 'date; it'll be good for you!' even if you aren't ready or willing to do it yet?

I've been set up 4 times since then and each time, it was a no show on their end. Sad, right?
I'm feeling super unattractive now, just thinking about it... one boyfriend and he left because something was wrong with me-- which must be true since no one else wants to even attempt any relationship with me whatsoever.
Oh well.
I keep telling everyone that I want to learn to like myself before I try to like someone else ever again. For whatever reason though... no one seems to understand that it will take alot of time before I can begin to heal. It's only been 2 years... with how serious I am; I expect it may take at least another 3 years before I'm ready to even think about 'dating just because' on my own. -___-

 

[Joeh]

I think your friends mean well when they set you up. They must be thinking along the lines of find someone to love you which in turn will help you love yourself, if that makes any sense.

 

[thor01]

Ive never been told to do that in the way you are describing. But Ive been told a couple of years ago ny my mum "maybe you need a girlfriend". Which is a pretty useless piece of advice to give someone like me on its own haha.

But don't worry Weirdy. If you don't want to go on these dates you can say no to whoever sets them up. I know I'd hate the idea tbh. No one can make you do anything. IMO it sounds a good idea for you to wait untill you feel up to it like you said. Even if that did take over a year, it doesn't matter, just as long as you're ready. Your well being is most important.

 

[Frazy91]

If you dont want to date, just dont. Dont be pressured into it.

 

[lurknomore]

At least you have people in your life that care enough. I don't date, not because I don't want to, but because I am too anxious to go out and meet people on my own, and I don't have friends to set me up, and my relatives live too far away.

But I don't think you should have to date if you don't want to... you need to firmly let your family members know that you will find dates for yourself when you're ready, and setting up blind dates (especially when they don't ask you ahead of time) is not okay.

 

[GoBlue72]

Hey Weirdy,

Blind dates are so hot and cold IMO. For example, you often hear about how badly they've gone for people. On the other hand, my parents met via a blind date and have been in a loving marriage for 40 years. My dad's fraternity brother was married to one of my mom's co-workers, who set them up. I don't know if there's been any research on blind dates, but it would be interesting to see.

My thinking is that blind dates could be as successful or more as meeting people any other way. The one problem is if you haven't met the person for more than a minute or two previously, you a)don't know if they're your physical type and b)don't know much about them. Picking someone up in school, at work, in a bar/club gives you the advantage of seeing them in advance, often for awhile, and possibly even talking to them and getting to know more about them. Online dating takes it even further, with the amount of questions and emails you can ask. I think this is part of the reason many people are hesitant to set up people on blind dates. They often think they have good instincts for who might like who, but they can be wrong and don't want to get on anyone's bad sides.

Hard to say what the problem was in this case. If the guy said he thought you were cute, and you went out of your way to talk to him, why would he just act like that? Okay, maybe he was shy. Maybe he had something else going on. And maybe those other no-shows' behavior is why they're being set up on blind dates in the first place. I think blind dates are a great way to break the ice for people who don't meet a lot of other singles in day to day life: whether it's due to being a workaholic, living in a small town, or being shy. But, having been on blind dates, I also realize that a decent percentage of people are available to date because they keep themselves in that position by how they act, flake out, can't commit, etc.

If you asked, I would encourage you to keep dating if it's something that doesn't totally freak you out. After all, if you have agoraphobia you will still have it to some extent a year from now. Unless you had just broken up with someone, or were having severe problems going anywhere outside your house, I'd say go for it. Every date is a "learning experience", right? (or so they say)

 

[danstelter]

I went through this phase and found it about as obnoxious as you did. Friends and family are just trying to help. You can try calmly explaining that you are not interested in dating because you're having a difficult emotional time right now, but I'm assuming that because they didn't listen to you before, they won't listen to you now.

You might have to be very demonstrative and really yell loudly that you don't want to date right now in order to get your point accross. I never had the gusto to do that, but I am doing that same strategy right now over a disagremeent between my wife, mother-in-law, and I. It's okay to get upset and get in conflict once in a while - it's a healthy part of life.

 

[coyote]

if someone here wants to fix me up with their hot cousin (or mom) or something....

just PM me