the cold approach

[ghost_train]

Just out of curiosity really: who has ever approached a complete stranger with the intention of courtship? If you have: how did you go about it, where were you when you did it and how successful were you?

 

[Sebr3]

Just out of curiosity really: who has ever approached a complete stranger with the intention of courtship? If you have: how did you go about it, where were you when you did it and how successful were you?

Back in December 2007, I met a dating coach (and no, I didn't pay him any money, I am not that gullible), and he got me to approach several groups of women and start a conversation, with a topic like:

"who do you think cheats in relationships more, men or women?"

Being a very shy man, I was terrified at first but did approach a few groups of women. I did ask this one girl for her contact details, but as usual I got rejected.

The dating coach I met claimed that even an ugly old fart like me (I am 39), can pick up hot women using his techniques, but this dating coach (in the eyes of women) would be considered universally handsome, he was 6ft 4 inches tall, had a good head of hair. I think he was telling me what I wanted to hear, but I am not going to waste nearly a $1,000.00 on a course on how to seduce women. What if I get rejected again? (like I always do???), and do my dough, no thanks, I am not that stupid.

I suppose my lack of good looks has written me off in the dating arena.

 

[Quetzalcoatl]

Dude... not me!

 

[AM]

Being a female, I don't think the cold approach works at all, I mean, even when I was single I would automatically say no because I just find the whole thing staged and yep, "cold".

I think people need to take a new direction in trying to meet the opposite sex, befriending them first, or having a group of people you know along with yourself join another group and ease into conversation, nothing to do with sex, relationships or anything that might seem along the lines of trying too hard to impress.

You'd be surprised how much women actually like shy/quiet guys. I like those kind of guys and my boyfriend is pretty quiet, but has a lot to say when he needs to.

Maybe think about just embracing the shyness, turn it into a good point. You can be mysterious and women might just approach you

 

[hippiechild]

Maybe think about just embracing the shyness, turn it into a good point. You can be mysterious and women might just approach you

yeah..except that such a thing only works if you are exceptionally good looking. A mysterious and ugly man is not going to be getting any positive attention, they will be labeled as a serial killer.

I do agree with the other approaches to meeting people and dating. These ridiculous pickup line type things seem blatantly pathetic.

 

[Sebr3]

Being a female, I don't think the cold approach works at all, I mean, even when I was single I would automatically say no because I just find the whole thing staged and yep, "cold".

I think people need to take a new direction in trying to meet the opposite sex, befriending them first, or having a group of people you know along with yourself join another group and ease into conversation, nothing to do with sex, relationships or anything that might seem along the lines of trying too hard to impress.

You'd be surprised how much women actually like shy/quiet guys. I like those kind of guys and my boyfriend is pretty quiet, but has a lot to say when he needs to.

Maybe think about just embracing the shyness, turn it into a good point. You can be mysterious and women might just approach you

I agree that the cold approach generally doesn't work, and I normally don't approach women as I am very shy, and my confidence level is low because of the constant rejections I have had to endure. And yes, meeting people through mutual friends is much more pleasant way of finding a potential girlfriend/boyfriend, than the cold approach.

However, I disagree that women actually like shy/quiet guys, I am glad to hear that you do, but generally speaking women see shy and quiet men as weak,boring and unattractive. From what I can gather, many women seem to think that the loud obnoxious arseholes (aka bad boys/jerks), are confident men are attractive and fun (even though much of the "confidence" these men project is fake).

And no woman will ever make the first move ie.approach you, unless you look like Brad Pitt or are some other type of celebrity.

 

[ghost_train]

Being a female, I don't think the cold approach works at all, I mean, even when I was single I would automatically say no because I just find the whole thing staged and yep, "cold".

I think people need to take a new direction in trying to meet the opposite sex, befriending them first, or having a group of people you know along with yourself join another group and ease into conversation, nothing to do with sex, relationships or anything that might seem along the lines of trying too hard to impress.

You'd be surprised how much women actually like shy/quiet guys. I like those kind of guys and my boyfriend is pretty quiet, but has a lot to say when he needs to.

Maybe think about just embracing the shyness, turn it into a good point. You can be mysterious and women might just approach you

I agree that the cold approach generally doesn't work, and I normally don't approach women as I am very shy, and my confidence level is low because of the constant rejections I have had to endure. And yes, meeting people through mutual friends is much more pleasant way of finding a potential girlfriend/boyfriend, than the cold approach.

However, I disagree that women actually like shy/quiet guys, I am glad to hear that you do, but generally speaking women see shy and quiet men as weak,boring and unattractive. From what I can gather, many women seem to think that the loud obnoxious arseholes (aka bad boys/jerks), are confident men are attractive and fun (even though much of the "confidence" these men project is fake).

And no woman will ever make the first move ie.approach you, unless you look like Brad Pitt or are some other type of celebrity.

I completely agree with you. Women (generally), whatever they think want, or want to want, are not attracted to shy guys. It's also true about women never approaching. They may give off body language, but they'll never do the actual approaching- that's the guy's role, pure and simple. Now I don't think I'm bad looking- I've been told (by my mummy 8) ) that I'm handsome. But I think you've got to be some kind of A&F model, or someone famous to get approached outright (at least in this country).

 

[Sebr3]

Maybe think about just embracing the shyness, turn it into a good point. You can be mysterious and women might just approach you

yeah..except that such a thing only works if you are exceptionally good looking. A mysterious and ugly man is not going to be getting any positive attention, they will be labeled as a serial killer.

And what do serial killers look like?? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think some people have been watching too many movies. Some of the worst real life serial killers have been the most normal looking people on the outside, but obviously evil on the inside. Take Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Darmer for example, on the outside these notorious serial killers looked liked normal every day guys.

I don't know how women equate being handsome means trustworthy, and ugly = evil. A person can look normal on the outside, but be a monster in disguise, or a person may look mean and nasty, but could be gentle and kind.

I do agree with the other approaches to meeting people and dating. These ridiculous pickup line type things seem blatantly pathetic.

I agree, I personally think these so called dating gurus and seduction experts are just snake oil salesmen who prey on us guys who through no fault of our own, struggle to attract women. At the end of the day, if the woman you wish to establish a relationship with is not physically attracted to you, she will not engage, and no cheesy pick up line is going to help you.

 

[shield]

I know two people that have met their spouses in a bar and they are now married to them. They did this through a cold approach!!! I don't think you have to focus on meeting a girlfriend or boyfriend by cold approaching but its a great way of building social confidence which will help you with your relationships in general.

 

[Sebr3]

I know two people that have met their spouses in a bar and they are now married to them. They did this through a cold approach!!! I don't think you have to focus on meeting a girlfriend or boyfriend by cold approaching but its a great way of building social confidence which will help you with your relationships in general.

Firstly, I am happy for the two people you have mentioned, and I wish them life long happiness.

However, for us love shy guys approaching a woman cold, is like jumping in the ocean with a hungry Great White Shark. Where I come from, ie, Sydney, Australia, the women here are so rude,stuck up and unapproachable. You must understand that for guys like me who never ever had a girlfriend, and have always been rejected by women, approaching a woman cold is total hell.

 

[dottie]

the cold approach is LAME. i have a boyfriend but let me tell you as a female i get it a lot and the first thing i think when they start doing it is that the guy is a total player (cringe @ that word) and that he does this all the time. i just happen to be the first skirt standing within field of view so he is pulling this stunt on me, not because he has a genuine interest in getting to know me. he obviously just wants to get laid. it is so annoying and slimey.

if you want to meet girls get active in doing things you loves in a group setting. take a class, join some sort of club where you will be around the same set of people involved in something interesting over a set amount of time. then you are forced to become aquaintances and then you have more opportunity to invite people to hang out outside of that setting. that's my suggestion.

and, like i said above, there is nothing more annoying or intrusive to a girl than one of those guys whose sole focus is dating. become happy with yourself, doing things alone, then when and if someone comes along you won't seem so desperate.

 

[Argamemnon]

Just wondering, do people who are involved in relationships here have moderate social anxiety? I assume this to be the case, since I can't imagine me finding a girlfriend. If you suffer from severe social anxiety finding a partner is out of the question.

 

[Dave_McFadden]

the cold approach is LAME. i have a boyfriend but let me tell you as a female i get it a lot and the first thing i think when they start doing it is that the guy is a total player (cringe @ that word) and that he does this all the time. i just happen to be the first skirt standing within field of view so he is pulling this stunt on me, not because he has a genuine interest in getting to know me. he obviously just wants to get laid. it is so annoying and slimey.

if you want to meet girls get active in doing things you loves in a group setting. take a class, join some sort of club where you will be around the same set of people involved in something interesting over a set amount of time. then you are forced to become aquaintances and then you have more opportunity to invite people to hang out outside of that setting. that's my suggestion.

Well, what is a guy supposed to do when he sees an attractive woman in a social setting? Stalk her for 6 months, chart her likes/dislikes, where she hangs out, etc. and put himself in situations to "accidentally" meet her? If he goes to a different college, should he transfer to be closer to her?

Unfortunately, life doesn't always throw opportunities in one's lap. This is especially true for guys. Even if sometimes people get lucky and fate places our "soulmate" in our path, we can't always count on this.

and, like i said above, there is nothing more annoying or intrusive to a girl than one of those guys whose sole focus is dating. become happy with yourself, doing things alone, then when and if someone comes along you won't seem so desperate.

Actually, what you said above is that these guys obviously just want to get laid. Last time I checked (4 days ago) dating and getting laid were different goals. Not every guy with the guts to approach a woman "cold" has only one thing on his mind (although many of them do, of course). What's wrong with a guy who just wants to date - isn't that one of the goals of meeting people of the opposite sex?

 

[dottie]

the cold approach is LAME. i have a boyfriend but let me tell you as a female i get it a lot and the first thing i think when they start doing it is that the guy is a total player (cringe @ that word) and that he does this all the time. i just happen to be the first skirt standing within field of view so he is pulling this stunt on me, not because he has a genuine interest in getting to know me. he obviously just wants to get laid. it is so annoying and slimey.

if you want to meet girls get active in doing things you loves in a group setting. take a class, join some sort of club where you will be around the same set of people involved in something interesting over a set amount of time. then you are forced to become aquaintances and then you have more opportunity to invite people to hang out outside of that setting. that's my suggestion.

Well, what is a guy supposed to do when he sees an attractive woman in a social setting? Stalk her for 6 months, chart her likes/dislikes, where she hangs out, etc. and put himself in situations to "accidentally" meet her? If he goes to a different college, should he transfer to be closer to her?

Unfortunately, life doesn't always throw opportunities in one's lap. This is especially true for guys. Even if sometimes people get lucky and fate places our "soulmate" in our path, we can't always count on this.

and, like i said above, there is nothing more annoying or intrusive to a girl than one of those guys whose sole focus is dating. become happy with yourself, doing things alone, then when and if someone comes along you won't seem so desperate.

Actually, what you said above is that these guys obviously just want to get laid. Last time I checked (4 days ago) dating and getting laid were different goals. Not every guy with the guts to approach a woman "cold" has only one thing on his mind (although many of them do, of course). What's wrong with a guy who just wants to date - isn't that one of the goals of meeting people of the opposite sex?

i never said sex and dating were the same thing. but i am saying as a female when a guy does the cold approach this is how it seems. sorry if that is not the answer you want to hear, but this is how cold approach usually comes across 99.9% of the time- as a female, to ME. and i am talking cold approach- total stranger out in public somewhere. perhaps if you were at a party or a social situation then it might come across as less intrusive depending on your style and class.

 

[**removed**]

And no woman will ever make the first move ie.approach you

That's not necesarily true because I got directly approached 3 maybe 4 times in HS, but i was so ridiculously shy I couldnt do anything.

I dont think women necesarily like loud guys either. Think of it this way.. they're most probably going to be the type that approach them. Shy and quiet guys like us are less likely to approach them unless we know them quite well to begin with.

 

[shield]

I got directly approached 3 maybe 4 times

This is rare guys hardly ever get approached. Maybe ur really great lookin or lucky or sumthing else. But this is not the norm from my experience.the cold approach is LAME

Wow! Strange that seeing as you met many of your friends and probably boyfriends through a cold approach! Unless of course you have been introduced to everyone you have ever met in which case how did you meet the introducer? :? If you're a social phobic and you're scared shitless of people and you have no friends you're not gonna be good in warm approaches and your not gonna have a social circle to practice on. So, become relaxed with cold approaches and Voila! you will have good warm approaches. Or join a club as suggested by Dottie. But every1 at the club will probably think you're a freak if you're anything like what I was, so in order to practice socialising this way you will probably have to keep changing club. My conclusion: Bars are basically an organised social gathering just like a sports club. But they are better because the people keep changing so it's ok to keep making a dick of yourself which believe me, YOU WILL ( don't avoid it embrace it, its unavoidable). Girls will give you loads of bad advice if you listen to them and it will screw you over. Ignore them and cold approach. I know its just your honest opinion Dottie and I respect that its just not gonna help guys. You can go out to a bar and get approached every 5 minutes. Its not just you but most women don't have a clue about what it's like to be a guy (or at least I should hope not lol). Your also totally clueless about what makes a guy attractive! Again big generalisation but girls always tell us 'be sweet' 'buy her a drink'. We do this and the next thing we know the girl is making out with some agressive bastard who just slapped her in the face and threw his beer over her lol.

for us love shy guys approaching a woman cold, is like jumping in the ocean with a hungry Great White Shark. Where I come from, ie, Sydney, Australia, the women here are so rude,stuck up and unapproachable

I'm again about to be provocative as usual but both girls and guys from Sydney are total pricks. However you have to adapt. And I don't care where you are approaching for us shy guys is absolute hell and I would literally have rather stabbed my forearm with a knife than approach a girl (REALLY I WOULD HAVE). But its actually not bad if you do it in stages. Think about this:

Forget for 1 minute about having girls as girlfriends and focus on the idea of systematic desensitisation (credit cbt).

1) Ask 20 girls in succession which way to a shop
2) Ask 20 girls in succession which way to a shop followed by 'by the way are you a student?' If the answer is no say 'Oh you look like a medicine/ business/art student' if the answer is yes ' OK I bet you study blah blah blah'

Do it 3 times a week and VOILA! After 2-6 months you will find that you're getting into longer conversations and God Forbid you may get a number or two! But of course starting conversations like this is waaay 2 risky and scary, right? Actually RIGHT lol but you will get over it.