MentalyBlind
Well-known member
Babies and psychopaths have one thing in common: They're excellent at getting what they want. Many of us could learn a thing or two from these creatures, tantrums and dirty tactics notwithstanding. That's not to say that, like these ingrates, we should feel entitled to everything we want. Many argue that as a culture, we need urgent lessons in giving, not getting.
But for some, grabbing the brass ring is a constant source of stress and confusion. Others have no trouble going for what they want, but fail to do so effectively. Conflict-avoidant people are terrified to speak up—they miss out on their own objectives, and often forfeit the respect of those around them. Conflict seekers get a thrill from relentlessly asserting their agendas, even to their own detriment. Optimists are more likely to persist in their efforts than are pessimists, who may underestimate their odds of success at the outset.
Were it uniformly advantageous to be aggressive, timid, positive, or negative in pursuit of one's goal, evolution would have selected for only such types. In fact, it takes all styles to get ahead. Whether you're lodging a complaint or trying to change the world, begin by considering the impact of your goal on someone—or some cause—beyond you.
Complain to Win—Not to Feel Worse
No one likes a chronic complainer, and we've got multiple derogatory terms to prove it. But if you master the art of effective complaining, you'll get what you want while carping less often.
Complaining at inappropriate times (when other people are in the spotlight, for example, or when they are focused on issues bigger than yours) can make you look selfish and could further prevent you from being heard. And complaining excessively about one situation can snowball into rumination—anxious and repetitive thoughts that trigger depression.
The first step to effective complaining, then, is deciding if you truly want a concrete result or if you just need emotional validation. The former calls for a complaint; the latter, a vent. Ideally, your interlocutor should know that as well, since trying to "fix" a problem someone else just wants to cry about can cause a meta-argument worse than the original annoyance.
If you decide you want to lodge a complaint, make a plan, says Winch. First, determine exactly what you want to achieve (don't let someone else pick a reparation). Then, figure out who has the ability to provide what you want, and finally, ascertain the best way to get that person to give it to you. Though it's all very logical, in the heat of frustration people usually lash out at the first body in sight. Winch recommends moving from the easiest complaint to the hardest when working on problem-solving skills.
When people receive a grievance, they naturally grow defensive. They might even throw the issue back at you, further dialing up your emotions. That's why you need to be extra nice, against your instincts. "This is the existential dilemma of the complaint," Winch says. "Do you want to be right, or do you want to get a good result?"
One way to avert the downward spiral of defensiveness is to make what Winch calls a "complaint sandwich." The top slice of bread—the first thing you should write in a letter or say to a person—is the "ear-opener," which prevents the target of your complaint from feeling attacked. The "meat" of the sandwich is the specific complaint or request for redress, and the bottom slice is the "digestive," or a positive, grateful statement reinforcing the idea that you are a reasonable person worthy of help.
After suffering through months of loud construction from a building site near his apartment, Winch delivered a complaint sandwich to his landlord. He started off by saying how much he loves the building and appreciates the great job the management company does. Then he asked for a decrease in his rent, in order to make up for the blow to his productivity as a writer, caused by the incessant noise. Finally, he added that he understood that the noise was in no way the landlord's fault, but thought he would be concerned about its effect on his tenants. The result? A rent reduction for six months.
Figure Out What Others Want
"I once attended a New Year's Eve party, and the seven-year-old son of the hostess wanted to stay up late. His mother said, 'You know what happens when you don't go to bed on time. You wake up late and cranky and irritable.' The boy replied, 'Well, you don't want me running around early when you're lying in bed with a headache, do you?' He framed his request in terms of her desires, and was allowed to join the midnight reverie."
my jaw hit the floor and I wrote the "onesided verbal ass woopin" down on my napkin and then watched the boy run to the tv and play xbox!
there is so much more to touch upon in this art and I will add more later on.
But for some, grabbing the brass ring is a constant source of stress and confusion. Others have no trouble going for what they want, but fail to do so effectively. Conflict-avoidant people are terrified to speak up—they miss out on their own objectives, and often forfeit the respect of those around them. Conflict seekers get a thrill from relentlessly asserting their agendas, even to their own detriment. Optimists are more likely to persist in their efforts than are pessimists, who may underestimate their odds of success at the outset.
Were it uniformly advantageous to be aggressive, timid, positive, or negative in pursuit of one's goal, evolution would have selected for only such types. In fact, it takes all styles to get ahead. Whether you're lodging a complaint or trying to change the world, begin by considering the impact of your goal on someone—or some cause—beyond you.
Complain to Win—Not to Feel Worse
No one likes a chronic complainer, and we've got multiple derogatory terms to prove it. But if you master the art of effective complaining, you'll get what you want while carping less often.
Complaining at inappropriate times (when other people are in the spotlight, for example, or when they are focused on issues bigger than yours) can make you look selfish and could further prevent you from being heard. And complaining excessively about one situation can snowball into rumination—anxious and repetitive thoughts that trigger depression.
The first step to effective complaining, then, is deciding if you truly want a concrete result or if you just need emotional validation. The former calls for a complaint; the latter, a vent. Ideally, your interlocutor should know that as well, since trying to "fix" a problem someone else just wants to cry about can cause a meta-argument worse than the original annoyance.
If you decide you want to lodge a complaint, make a plan, says Winch. First, determine exactly what you want to achieve (don't let someone else pick a reparation). Then, figure out who has the ability to provide what you want, and finally, ascertain the best way to get that person to give it to you. Though it's all very logical, in the heat of frustration people usually lash out at the first body in sight. Winch recommends moving from the easiest complaint to the hardest when working on problem-solving skills.
When people receive a grievance, they naturally grow defensive. They might even throw the issue back at you, further dialing up your emotions. That's why you need to be extra nice, against your instincts. "This is the existential dilemma of the complaint," Winch says. "Do you want to be right, or do you want to get a good result?"
One way to avert the downward spiral of defensiveness is to make what Winch calls a "complaint sandwich." The top slice of bread—the first thing you should write in a letter or say to a person—is the "ear-opener," which prevents the target of your complaint from feeling attacked. The "meat" of the sandwich is the specific complaint or request for redress, and the bottom slice is the "digestive," or a positive, grateful statement reinforcing the idea that you are a reasonable person worthy of help.
After suffering through months of loud construction from a building site near his apartment, Winch delivered a complaint sandwich to his landlord. He started off by saying how much he loves the building and appreciates the great job the management company does. Then he asked for a decrease in his rent, in order to make up for the blow to his productivity as a writer, caused by the incessant noise. Finally, he added that he understood that the noise was in no way the landlord's fault, but thought he would be concerned about its effect on his tenants. The result? A rent reduction for six months.
Figure Out What Others Want
"I once attended a New Year's Eve party, and the seven-year-old son of the hostess wanted to stay up late. His mother said, 'You know what happens when you don't go to bed on time. You wake up late and cranky and irritable.' The boy replied, 'Well, you don't want me running around early when you're lying in bed with a headache, do you?' He framed his request in terms of her desires, and was allowed to join the midnight reverie."
my jaw hit the floor and I wrote the "onesided verbal ass woopin" down on my napkin and then watched the boy run to the tv and play xbox!
there is so much more to touch upon in this art and I will add more later on.
i totally forgot to write more on this topic im way to bogged down in work