that was a bad night!

[worrywort]

I just got back from a workmates leaving do.....and it went horribly.....I really didn't want to go, and I usually avoid these work parties....but the guy who was leaving seemed to really want me to be there so I said I'd go, and I don't like to go against my word, even though I've never been less in the mood for a party than today. Anyway, on the way to the pub I was on my bike and I bumped into a load of them heading there too....and argh, i was just in such a weird mood....I just soooo didn't wanna be there and I felt so out of place....like an alien.....so passive....I just stood there and answered their interregations...."why are you riding your bike?", "Where's your helmet?" "are you gonna bail on us again?" "do you even know where the pub is?"....I eventually got away and met them at the pub....it started ok....mainly cause there were some nice people that welcomed me and talked to me....but then half way through the night another crowd of people joined our table and suddenly I found myself sandwiched between two groups but both kinda had their backs turned to me and I was stuck in the middle not really talking to anyone, like a massive loner.....I felt so awkward....catching peoples eyes, just waiting for that look from someone....that "why are you weird?" look.....I couldn't think of anything to say.....I felt so weak and useless and inferior, like there must be something significantly wrong with me......and then a girl next to me said "why are you so quiet?"...which I just kinda shrugged my shoulders at......

....eventually, after only being there 45 minutes, I thought that's long enough, at least I've shown my face.....and I said goodbye to the guy whose leaving do it was....and he seemed pretty shocked.....I felt so guilty....I knew it was rude to leave so early.....and I knew he didn't believe my excuse for having to leave....even though it was the truth.....but I just ummed and erred my way out of there.....I almost made a break for it then realised it's probably massively rude not to say goodbye to the main group of people, so I went back in the pub and said goodbye to them and they seemed REALLY shocked! They were all like "WHAT?!?! You're leaving already?" I said I had to get up early and they were all like "so do we!"...again I just shrugged and hurried out of there.....and I'm sure they all think very lowly of me now....maybe rightly so....I'm not sure.....I mean, I don't think lowly of any of them.....even though I could name many of their faults and weaknesses too.....cause I know how hard life is and how easily messed up people can get....

but now I'm home....feeling very sorry for myself and wondering if I'm a bad person.....Do I bring this all on myself? Am I to blame for being like this or is it the chemicals in my brain's fault? Did I do anything wrong tonight?

I dunno....anyway.....just venting....no replies expected.....[unless you'd like to]

 

[VioletTears]

Hey, I'm sorry that you had a bad night... I totally know that feeling and have been in almost identical situations too many times. It's so humiliating being on the outside looking in, yet in a place where everyone can see you... It sort of screams inadequacy.... But of course, if you hadn't gone people would have judged you for that, too. The only real way out is to get over our SA... but that's easier said than done. All you can do is try different treatment methods and see if anything works...

 

[faithnomore]

I know the feeling. Its a horrid situation, especially when someone really wants you to go places.

 

[Richey]

You've essentially described how i fair at parties and pubs especially back when i worked in hospitality, i get caught in the middle of cliques that will chat to each other all night and then i end up leaving early because its so intense and the pressure to perform builds up, but have had moments where other people even the chatty ones didnt have the energy to talk so they'd sit and not say alot, think of it in that sense, think of it in the sense that it doens't matter what the others think or say, clearly that person who said "your so quiet tonight" was making an observation that wasn't intended to be offensive, but did they then make the effort to warm to you and ask you a heap of questions to get to know you by following up their statement? ....

by the way there is nothing wrong with you leaving early either, you showed up and made an effort and your time is on your watch thats one thing people need to learn is that people are allowed to be independent and dont have to follow the crowd or the hurd, thats one thing ive learnt by moving into a house with other people, you have to respect others actions for what they are without judging them as people ...

i believe a way of feeling more comfortable is to appproach it next time with a false sense of arrogance and a "don't give a rats" attitude about what other people are doing or thinking, try and let go of your self-consciousness and be happy with yourself and opinions, that'll make it easier for you to join the group and talk more, its tricky!

 

[Locco1988]

I wouldnt beat yaself up so much, you went, im sure you enjoyed atleast 1 minute of being there? atleast you went like you said for your friend whos leaving, and i doubt ull be branded as 'the person who leaves early' and i doubt anyone will talk about it ever again. its not a big deal dont worry, alot of people bugger off early at work doo things, coz like u said, its a show ya face kinda thing. try and look at the positive sides of the evening rather than things u regret or wanted to do differently.

 

[billy]

im sure your workmates are nice people, that happened to me with a friend before and it appeared they thought i didn't like them because they were so outgoing and i had anxiety. If i were you id go and talk to them and just tell them your very shy and felt a little left out. You dont have to mention sa or anything but just give them a little understanding as im sure there good people

 

[proudmummy]

This brings back so many painful memories to me.......but well done for putting yourself through it, your pretty strong for doing that.

Dont beat yourself up, they've probably forgot about it. People with SA's conversations quickly change, so they wouldnt talk about it long, or they probably didnt talk about it at all. Everyone has to leave early sometimes.

Your taking steps, and being in a crowd of people was a huge step, so well done...

 

[toothpastekisses]

.......................

 

[Chod77]

It sounded like you were as polite as possible. Just because you left early doesn't make you a bad person.

 

[worrywort]

Wow! thanks so much for the replies! I can home from work today and saw EIGHT replies, all of which are so nice and thoughtful....that has made my day! Thanks!

clearly that person who said "your so quiet tonight" was making an observation that wasn't intended to be offensive, but did they then make the effort to warm to you and ask you a heap of questions to get to know you by following up their statement?

well, no, haha, but thats ok.....i'm pretty sure she was hoping for a good night and was sat next to me and was hoping I'd be a really entertaining conversation partner and when it rapidly became apparent that that wasn't going to be the case I think she was a bit annoyed!