Telling a girl about my SA

[StonedBob]

Hi, I just have a question.
I'm pretty attracted by a spanish girl at my job. We are in the same corridor, so I can talk to her when i arrive at my job and when I leave. The problem is, because of my SA, I cannot talk to her more than 5 minutes and I look very nervous. I really try to make more efforts than usual : for exemple I try to talk to her, I lend her some of my discs (well I know it sounds a bit ridiculous, but it's the best I can do), try to invite her to come with me and some people I know to climbing (I'm practicing climbing). Another problem is that at the beginning of my internship in this company (7 months ago), she was quite friendly because she knew some people I was working with (it's because of these people I met her). But when these friends left (6 months ago) and because of my silence, she became more distant. Since my office is closer to her (I changed of office 3 months ago), I'm trying to make efforts (as shown at the beginning of my post). She looks very polite when I talk to her, she even come (very rarely) in my office for 1 minute.
I'm pretty sure she considers me like someone weird because of my behaviour (my nervosity, my silence, the fact that when I'm in front of her it's just like I wanted to flee from her, ...) and I have sometimes the feeling she wants to avoid me, or at least she feel a bit nervous when I'm around her.
My question is : do you think it's a good idea if I tell her I have SA and try to explain her how it is to have SA?
I have the feeling it might decrease a bit my anxiety with her, and that she might understand a bit my behaviour. On the other hand, some people (without SA) told me it's not a really good idea because it's sharing with her something not really "positive". I'm also affraid she sees me like someone "crazy", more weird than she thought.
Actually, I really don't know what to do...
Any advice would be welcome, share your own experience...

PS : If my post is not clear, tell me.
PS 2 : Any people that answers to this question will receive a free pizza by fax ::. (sorry for this stupid joke)

 

[freestylemonster]

yeah I totally think you should tell her. It would help her understand that it's not that you don't like her it's just that you're scared. Everyone in my class knows that I have SA and because of that I'm a lot more comfortable going to class.

I think it would be a good idea to tell her.

Now where's my free pizza??

 

[StonedBob]

Thanks for your answer .
I really didn't know what to do, the people I asked about it tell me to keep the fact I have SA for me. But at the same time she doesn't know a lot of things from me because of my SA, I don't talk enough with her for that, and she seems a bit affraid by me, at least annoyed when I talk to her :S.
But thanks again.

For your pizza, I just need your fax number... and maybe your credit card number and code also

 

[rado31]

i'm not quite sure wheter you should do it or not ... She could hardly understand what is it. So, i dont see a point. If you want to say something just give some " You see , i m a little bit different blah blah.." in the middle of conversation.. and if she insists to speak in that direction , go on, and tell how you feel..
What do you expect by telling that ?

 

[SickJoke]

Nah man I don't think you should tell her. I think it would only make things worse. Keep working to overcome your SA, and just make an effort to be friendly with her.

 

[Havocan]

The thing is that she'll probably get it if you have SA one way or the other even if you don't tell her and you try to become her boyfriend, you'll burst before you know it. Don't actually know what you should do, but do work on your SA, try to overcome it. If you tell her you're almost guaranteed to fall in the friend trap, but at least you'll probably become less anxious in her presence^^.

 

[StonedBob]

Thanks to all of you, i didn't expect so much answers.

To rado31 : I already thought about it, but I don't know how to say it... Saying in the middle of a conversation "you know I'm a bit different, by the way blah blah blah" sounds a bit strange and I have no idea how she will interpret it.

To SickJoke : yeah, that is what scares me, I'm affraid she considers me not as a guy a little bit weird but as a guy completly freakish after I tell her... Don't worry, I'm also trying to overcome my SA, and trying to talk to her is an attempt to overcome it.

To Havocan : she certainly noticed my anxiety, but I'm not sure she ever heards about SA, she must think I'm just very shy, or maybe freakish. Anyway, I don't think I will ever be her BF (but who knows).

Anyway, thanks to all of you for your posts. It would be nice if more people give their advice, not only for me but also for people in the same situation than me. It would also be useful if people that were in my situation and told to the person they were attracted by about their SA, could tell what happened to them.

 

[kayelle]

I kind of think you should tell her. It'd be good just to mention it, and not make it out like it's a big thing (even if it is), just bring it up in conversation, starting with something like...sorry if I seem a bit quiet, I'm just a bit awkward in social situations sometimes....and then explain it a bit. It'll make her see that you're not being quiet because you're not interested in talking to her and being friends with her, just because of your SA. And it'll also show her you do want to be closer to her because you're explaining something personal to her.
As long as you don't make it into a big deal and a big thing to tell her, you don't want to get too serious. I say you should tell her! If she is the nice girl you think she is she'll be good about it.
Yay free pizza! Those beers have gotten lost in the post...::

 

[Celephaïs]

Considering how office gossip goes I'd ask if you're comfortable having people talk shit. I'm speaking from experience here.

It's up to you though. I'd be a little standoffish personally.

Love and SA is really hard.
As far as romance goes, I lost a woman who was one of the kindest I'd ever met a few years ago. She had some specifics of what I was going through but it wore on her. In the end, I told her to go find someone more normal.

 

[Off The Wall]

I think yes definitely tell her, all the people I’ve told being like 2 people both males; they haven't hated me for it. One liked me for like 5yrs so I felt I needed to tell him why I wouldn’t meet up with him. He didn't really understand what it meant and still tried to meet up with me I just ignored him... though he did ring me the other day... of course I didn’t answer haha.

I have alot of friends I haven’t told, I chat to them over the net but I have met them before I just always pretend I’m busy when they want to hang out. But for me I’d rather be honest I don't want a friend that will hate me because I have SA. And it would explain why you are so nervous....I was watching a reality TV show the other day and this guy was just acting like a real jerk... and I was like what an idiot! And then later he explained himself and told his life story and I was like ohhh! I like him now.

Like I didn’t understand why he was being like that until he explained himself. You can’t expect anybody to understand you if you don’t explain yourself to them. I know how hard it is but you’d prefer to just be honest I know I am from now on if people don’t except me for it then oh well I don’t want to know you anyway.

Most people won’t understand, but I really don’t think people will hold it against you at all. I think you should tell her i think it'll be ok

 

[SickJoke]

Don't do it man, don't do it! You'd be setting yourself up for a crash and burn, and word gets around quick.

 

[Off The Wall]

Don't do it man, don't do it! You'd be setting yourself up for a crash and burn, and word gets around quick.

lol. isn't it a big step in over-coming social anxiety? is to be open???.

Haven't you "recovered"? if i read properly in some post of yours?

people arn't as judgemental as you think. People only judge you for a few reasons...

1. Because they don't understand you

2. Because they have their own insecurities

3. Because they are jealous.

(add more if you must..)


If you want to make a proper friend, then you do have to be honest. doesn;t sounnd like you talk to anyone in the office anyway so does it matter if they talk about you? people thought i was a freak and talked about me behind my back everyday when i worked. I only wish i told them now it would stop the talking... well i believe that it would. and if i do get a job/make friends i will definately tell them...

 

[SickJoke]

He's attracted to this girl. And she's already being distant toward him. Telling her he has SA is only going to make the situation more awkward

edit: If you're comfortable enough with this girl that you would tell her you have SA, why don't you use that comfort and tell her a story from your life instead? Check it out:

Situation A
StonedBob: If it seems like I'm nervous around you, it's because I have SA.
SpanishGirl: Oh... uhhh... ok... [creeped out]

Situation B
StonedBob: Let me ask you something. One time I was rock climbing with my ex-girlfriend... blah blah blah etc. etc. What would you have done in that situation?
SpanishGirl: I would've... blah blah etc. [intrigued]

 

[Off The Wall]

Hmm. Sickjoke? Have you ever told someone about your SA???

I mean not everyone is that shallow that they are going to think your a freak, thats the whole point of having SA! you don't tell people because you think they are going to think your a freak!

i just think its wrong, to be like oh don't tell her don't tell her, fair enough offer your opinions, but thats just being negative. So is he(sorry is your name bob? Stonedbob? I'm going to call you bob anyway less rude then saying he or whatever ok so is Bob suppose to live the rest of his life not telling one person that he has SA because they might get "weirded" out.. that's no life. same goes for everyone. i aint gonna live the rest of my life not telling someone because they might think im weird.. THEY ALREADY DO THINK YOUR WEIRD!!! i'd honestly much rather have someone talk about me because i have SA then talk about me because im different or weird or what not. id rather they knew and still continued to make fun of me.. cause that just shows how much better of a person you are then they are!

The only way to get over SA is if you stop worrying about the what ifs! Gosh I have soooo many what ifs in my life it drives me insane. If you didn’t worry what someone would think of you then you’d be on your way recovery…

I think if you do decide to tell her, it being your decision and all. Perhaps tell her at the end of the day when your both going home? So if its like weird silence you can be like cool well I better get going…

Anyway let us know if you tell her and how it goes! Of if you don’t tell her and how that goes..i think you’d feel better for getting it off your chest.

Anyways my opinions probably aren’t that great I don’t know but hey they are helping me I think im going to be all brave now and go to the shops! And shout out loud that I have SOCIAL ANXIETY!! Haha or not. But damn that would feel great!

 

[SickJoke]

Hmm. Sickjoke? Have you ever told someone about your SA???

No.. please hold me *breaks down and cries*

But really, telling this girl that you're attracted to that you have SA won't likely have any positive outcome. She'll probably just get creeped out. Telling close friends and family - yeah, I could see that. But telling the hottie at work? Nah, I wouldn't.

 

[sabbath9]

Ask her out on a date, or ask her for her home phone number and get to know her better before you tell her something that personal.

 

[SickJoke]

obvsly, that's because all you care about his getting laid. The whole 'pretending to be someone else approach'. says a lot about what kind of person you are I'm sure.

There's nothing shameful about having social anxiety. If she's a genuine person then let this be the test.

Ow, right through the heart, that stings ::

There's a difference between 'pretending to be someone else' and 'keeping some things to yourself.' The last thing she wants is to hear about her co-worker's problems. StonedBob, have fun with this girl, tell her about your stoned adventures, not about your anxiety.

 

[Danfalc]

Its a tough choice..I would jump in straight away and tell her about your social anxiety,for someone who doesnt really understand it might be alot to take in at first.But its part of you at the moment and nothing to be ashamed of

Id try and get talking to her and just tell her your a bit shy after a while,I think that can sometimes help...it takes the pressure off you a little bit,and will maybe help her understand.Then if it goes well and you guys become close id tell her

Some people do understand some people dont,ive had some relationships where a girl hasnt really understood my issues but she was so supportive.Then ive had a girl who had simlar problems are wasnt supportive at all.If they understand it or not,if someone eventualy falls for you they should accept it.

 

[StonedBob]

I forgot to thank everybody for their answers. I still don't know what I will do, but anyway thanks .

 

[Rodox]

I say dont tell,I think you should only tell something like this when you are really close to someone,people might think you are seeking attention,are mental,childish and even worse feel pity,and imo would be setting you up to more problems.