Steiner's Diary

[Steiner]

I am now a vegan pretty much. I don't even drink my whey anymore. I stopped adding mayo to my sandwiches yesterday and now I feel like I should try and cut out the bread too because I can. Maybe at some point I'll cut out everything.

Nah.

I'm a little tipsy because I've had 5 beers but that is okay. I don't know why I still use this site. Old habits die hard. there is nothing left for me here I think. It's all gone. I literally talk to myself here and no one else. Pretty much all of my friends are gone here. Except for a rare chat every now and then. It's all dust and this place probably does nothing but brings me down.

Like a bad play that just won't close its curtain

 

[Steiner]

Ah life is so rough. My anxiety is getting better. Meds and whatnot. School starts on Monday for me. Summer classes. I'm always thinking of stuff and life is much like a dream-like state for me. Trying to overcome my anxiety and I feel like I'm losing myself in the process.

Is this me?

I never saw myself being here at all. I never expected myself to make so many changes and I might even get my own place soon. I sort of regret a little bit how I acted with a girl who used this site from back when. I feel like I could've treated her better. I sort of tried with a girl online last week and she just ended up dragging me along for a week. I don't think she still uses this forum even. I managed to delude myself that I was in love this girl from the past week when it just wasn't gonna happen. It shouldn't have happened, we weren't right for one another. I wonder about the girl I met from here if we might have worked out but maybe I wasn't ready for it at the time.

I always feel a bit foolish about it.

It's a thing of the past.

Anyway I feel I've managed to reach a pinnacle for me. At my job I am in what many would consider a high anxiety situation. One cash register and a line of people. I've managed to numb myself and become used to it. I don't feel anxious about it anymore. People ask me where stuff is I tell them where I think it is and don't let it affect me if I told them the wrong place. I'm even starting to try and perk myself up for cute girls that show interest.

This is all a dream though I feel. It all feels kind of fake and I wonder if this is how one copes with anxiety by becoming incredibly numb to it all. It's either too much feeling or none at all. Not sure which one is better. I guess none gets me somewhere in life but feeling like a dead person.

 

[Steiner]

So anxious. I put my real photo up on facebook and now I'm re-adding people I knew. Anxious. Also put my real name but that was a bit ago. Even had a chat with one and sent an old teacher a message. I guess some would consider this as a form of therapy.

 

[Steiner]

Ah, a couple of months since I've typed anything here. Just finished my first semester classes so. Good for me I guess. I might need to start talking to myself on here more again.

 

[Steiner]

Don't know why I am up, I used to be able to write so much more here. Not like I feel that safe here anymore either way so I guess it doesn't matter. Back to bed I go.

 

[Nanita]

I can relate to some of the stuff you've written in your journal here. Having anxiety and feeling like life is unreal, living like a dead person. Yup. I don't think I've ever been able to cope with anxiety by turning numb among people though, I wish I could though, because I'm so tired of being a nervous wreck around people. Even around people that I like. I'm like "I just need the minutes to go much faster so I can finally get out of here and not be nervous anymore". And it's so sad to feel that way around people that I actiually like, isn't it.

 

[Steiner]

I can relate to some of the stuff you've written in your journal here. Having anxiety and feeling like life is unreal, living like a dead person. Yup. I don't think I've ever been able to cope with anxiety by turning numb among people though, I wish I could though, because I'm so tired of being a nervous wreck around people. Even around people that I like. I'm like "I just need the minutes to go much faster so I can finally get out of here and not be nervous anymore". And it's so sad to feel that way around people that I actiually like, isn't it.

Sorry for not responding earlier- I didn't think anyone actually responded to my posts on here much anymore.

 

[Steiner]

I am really happy to have come this far with my life really.

At the beginning of the year I had low expectations for anything good to happen but I guess I proved myself wrong and really sort of exceeded myself in what I thought could happen.

Starting from October of last year I started meds and as of late I've stopped taking all medications but maybe I'll get back on them at some point for a boost to my confidence- besides that I was expecting to be stuck at home still afraid to go out feeling suicidal or already having killed myself.

I've been bettering myself in ways, trying to be happy. In the 2nd semester of my classes and maybe i'll fail one(hopefully not) but I am making progress I guess in my studies and I'll finish that up eventually. I also got my first job and I've been holding it for 8 months now. 8 months!

{edited]

 

[TryAgain]

^I'm always happy to read stuff like this. Keep up the good work :thumbup:

 

[Steiner]

^I'm always happy to read stuff like this. Keep up the good work :thumbup:

Thanks! I will try to

 

[Steiner]

I have to take an exam later. [edited]

 

[Steiner]

I don't know what to say or think.

 

[Steiner]

Two months since last post nearly on *this*.

When I stay up and sit in the late hours I get depressed and think too much. I should try to run tomorrow. I'll set my alarm clock maybe so I can try waking up before 1 pm. This place always just feels like I talk to myself lately. Not even lately. Pretty much for over a year I just ramble to myself.

Suspect people don't like me.

That is okay I guess. Mindset has been changing as I become older and lately I'd prefer people who don't like me to go sit in a ditch somewhere. I recently unfriended some people on my facebook who for a bit I thought I may as well accept their invite but then I got to thinking-

I don't really like these people or their posts.

So I decided I'd unfriend them. I don't regret it. They made weird posts or angsty posts that felt like it deserved to be on MTV where all the angsty tweens live. I don't feel like looking at people who are stuck in highschooler party mode on my feed. Just sort of stupid to me and immature. I'm an old man in a young body I guess and don't connect with people my age.

In other news, my trip I have been thinking and planning for is coming up soon. Will be meeting a socially anxious girl I met a few years ago on another SA forum for the first time in person. We consider each other a couple and have been dating I suppose online for 4 months will be 5 months in early February. I think we do pretty good for long distance.

Hoping this trip goes really well. I'd really like if we hit it off in person like we did online. I'm going to stay there with her for 10 days. Purchased a room at someone's house already and my plane tickets are all paid for pretty much. Will be my first time flying and traveling alone so it's a big hurdle for me and hope it's good for overcoming anxiety and maybe achieving a lot of firsts in my romance department.

First date and all that jazz. Probably going to be a virgin still lol. Though already agreed to not having sex so that's good I think. No pressure there.

Hoping to eventually have her move in with me. Also hoping to get a nice job soon or something. At least maybe i'll try to hurry and finish school cause I'd like to get my own place and a nice job within my field of study. Though I'm expecting school to take a tad bit longer. Not too much longer I hope but I tad. I do get a little money from financial aid grants so that is my only income atm since i recently left my job as a cashier.

If I go look for another job soon I'm thinking I'll look at banks to see if any want a teller. Somedays I feel confident in the future with all the plans and thoughts but other days I feel distraught and lacking in the hope department in the future. The scared thought that I can't manage to get a nice job or succeed in my studies. The idea of failure which I try to push out of my head.

I'll try and push myself to go for a run tomorrow because for me it really helps with my confidence when I run or lift weights. Doing both sort of helps.

Always a struggle I guess.

Good night.

 

[Steiner]

Life is sort of depressing when it feels like everyone is sort of drifting away. Though I always know it is bound to happen with most people and it's just a cycle. Still doesn't make it any less depressing.

 

[Steiner]

Guess I should mention that my trip went well. It was really nice. Though I am probably a little slow mentioning it but I guess it doesn't really matter what time-frame I manage with when it comes to posting to whatever this is.

I get to be a virgin for a little while longer but maybe not too much longer since we've talked and she said she would come to visit me in the summer and we agreed to try some stuff so. Sort of excited but also worry a little bit since I realize I have a lot of emotions involved and that if she doesn't manage to trigger them then it won't work out.

I'd like for it to work though.

I talked to my friend about it and she mentioned that it's on her to really get me going I guess. I hope I can manage to get going because I'd like to since we were fooling around and I was having problems but I guess I tend to think too much and have second thoughts about some things so it creates *problems.*

Though I wasn't intending to have sex and was holding myself mentally back but we were planning to the next time we met up so. To be clear I was having problems getting myself up for 2nd base type stuff because of depression or anxiety or both along with thoughts of if she likes me as much as I hope she does. She seemed a bit upset and I was hoping she didn't take it as me not liking her. I do like her I just idk. I'm new to opening myself up and I worry too much about her pleasure when really I need to do what I like and let loose. Funny though I always saw myself as being more submissive but really I am incredibly aggressive and that is what works best for me when I do try to get it up is being aggressive and dominant.

Funny being so SA with everything else.

Stupid Pisces brain.

Oh and I also got a new kitty since I had to put my cat to sleep recently. That was 2/19/2016 my cat was put to sleep. I will always love you Cheyanne. Please rest well and maybe I will get to see you again someday. Same to you Rosie.

Not sure what to name my new cat. She is a tortoiseshell lookin cat and really energetic and it reminds me of when I had first gotten Cheyanne many years ago. I have pictures of Cheyanne on my desktop and sometimes I just look at them and feel a sense of loss.

...

I'd like to try and feed this kitty more of a raw diet. Maybe grind up some roosters for her on occasion.

 

[Steiner]

These early mornings really bring about calm feelings along with a slight hint of loneliness. The clouds are also moving very rapidly and the wind is nice.

My sleep schedule is quite off. I also have some more homework I need to get done.

Moments like this are so nice and relaxing and also lead to me wanting to just end it all.

My anxiety has been overwhelmed with depression. I've gotten a lot better anxiety wise but depression grows the more I realize there is nothing I can really do to make a huge difference and that I am just scrambling for temporary moments of happiness followed by large spurts of effort and dissatisfaction.

I get very lonely.

 

[Steiner]

These posts are nostalgic. My memories lead me back here.

Started writing here back in 2013.

The site is different. A lot of familiar names and it comes off as nostalgic.

My life has changed a lot since i started here but does the depression ever get better?

What changes occurred? Maybe will post later.

 

[Miserum]

Welcome back!

 

[Steiner]

Welcome back!

Thank you,

I forgot my login for a bit but managed to remember it after a time- I also forgot I had changed my username to a shortened version on here; so that created difficulties cause I no longer have the email I originally used. I created a new profile but then realized I couldn't message at all on here. A predicament.

Though with the new profile I looked up my profile and it helped me figure out my username.

Anyways, here I am.

 

[Steiner]

I turned 27 this month and when I originally joined this site I was 20. Doesn't feel that long. Time sort of slips away from you rather quickly. From my last update to now has been about 4 years? Updates in my life-

-I got married a little over a year ago.

-Have been in my current low skill job for about 2.5 years.

Attempting to go back to school this summer along with taking an exam to be admitted into a program. Same exam that nurses take but just slightly different. I'm looking to get into health information management. I'm close to being done with what I was planning years ago but I got off track from school due to various distractions. The exam I was planning to take tomorrow has been pushed back due to covid unfortunately.

Also looking to get back on medication since I stopped taking medication 2.5 years ago after I started working my current job. Mainly because I was too anxious to ask for time off. I've done a lot of self-analyzing the last year or so as I work each day. My job gives me a lot of time in my head.

I believe I have borderline personality disorder with possible psychotic features. Though for years I ignored those facets within myself because I was so preoccupied with my bad anxiety/agoraphobia that I never realized the possibility. I always thought I never had it (like my father and sister) but it was just hidden under the anxiety. My anxiety has gotten better but all it did was take the mask off and reveal another demon.

I'd like to see a therapist and actually describe my thoughts to someone to see what they think.