Steiner's Diary

Steiner

Well-known member
#1
Kawaii desu ne (Cute isn't it?)

Hi all, it's been awhile so I decided to come back out of hiding. I feel like I have changed a lot since my last entries and decided to be me again.

I had a lot of troubled thoughts(still do) but I've been getting better. I will talk about my current paths and explorations in my future posts.

I'm back! Steiner 2.0!
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#2
Originally when I joined this site my name was Steiner of Thule and my original diary/journal was called "Steiner Chan's Diary." I had decided to delete that one because i didn't like a lot of those thoughts being out there. I then made a 2nd journal named "Fifty Shades of Steiner" I also had that one removed. This will be the third time I make a diary on here.

I probably won't post some thoughts.

I'm also close to a perma-ban so.

*cough*

Anyway. My name is Steiner. I recently turned 22. When I first joined this site I had turned 20 a month prior. I have become much better with my problems but I still feel like the same ol' Steiner inside. At least I don't want to lose myself completely but I guess change is also good.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#3
I decided to delete a lot of the posts I could delete when I decided to go into hiding. I changed my name to "Deja Vu" and removed over 600 posts one by one. I originally had over a 1000. Why did I do that. I guess I had a mental collapse. I had done something I never thought I would have done. I lost trust in myself. I don't know if I want to say that I had done.

I lost trust in myself and had an identity crisis. I went and joined another forum. A general mental health forum which I found to be helpful for me. The people there encouraged me to seek help. The people have all sorts of mental ailments. I probably should have went to that forum to begin with since social phobia wasn't the main problem but a symptom.

I shall start from the beginning with this journey in another post.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#4
Continuing from the previous post- I was back at the beginning of my struggles. Asking for help. I had to somehow ask my parents to help me. I needed help. I was constantly suicidal and too anxious. I started to feel unreal. My skin wasn't mine and people weren't real. I wanted to kill myself and it was all I could think about. Why would anyone want to live this life?

I am still suicidal but I feel I have some things now that I didn't have in the past.

It took me months to actually ask them for help. I had to talk to my own parents through emails because I couldn't do it in person. I had to talk to the psychiatrists and doctors with writings because I couldn't talk to them. I still struggle with talking. It took months to actually get through to them that I needed some help.

At first we decided to go to an regular doctor and they told me to go inpatient after meeting me. We then went to the inpatient place where I wasted time admittedly. They wanted to send me to the hospital where they beat patients so I didn't want to go. I managed to wiggle free of a room with the promises of my parents to keep me safe.

Afterwards my dad was mad at me for wasting time.

When I got home the cops were there in which I had to talk to them. A very uh, anxiety inducing situation. I was on edge.

A few weeks later I decided to go to the first doctors I had seen for my mental health. For my social anxiety. To present my full feelings I wrote down a 5 page paper to discuss how I felt day to day and what I had been doing-

Some of the things I was doing were very self-destructive and on the edge of suicide I wrote this all to them. They then told me to go inpatient. They said they couldn't help me. I decided to go ahead- I also managed to wiggle out of this one but I was stuck with outpatient care along with being diagnosed while sitting inpatient. Also having to talk to the police again and emergency nurses. They read my 5 page paper too.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective. A mix of bipolar and schizophrenia.

Since then I have been going to a free clinic and taking medications for my problems. Anti-psychotics, and anti-depressants. The first few months I was skeptical of the meds, though eventually they started to help. They wanted me to do therapy. They still do but I am not sure I want to-

I started taking steps on my own. I started small.

I started to leave the house on my own.

I started to drive the car.

I started actually going to the store by myself!

I was very pleased with myself. The anxiety was insane but I did it. I still get the constant thoughts of being too reliant on meds but I guess it is okay for now.

I went to the bank and set up a bank account by myself.

I went to the library and checked out a book on my own.

I ordered food from the drive-thru by myself.

I stumbled a lot through it. Though I also learned that I have to be okay with my mistakes and flaws. I think anxiety comes from OCD tendencies of not being flawless. Though being me I am full of flaws.

I then decided to take it one more step. I started applying for jobs and I got a job on my second application at the Dollar General. This was back in the beginning of February and I've held the job for over a month now.

My birthday happened and I still had plans for myself.

I decided to go back to school. I recently signed up for classes on the 10th. Right after having had my birthday on the 5th.

I'm going for a certificate in medical coding and billing. Which I will do while going to work.

I guess I can say I've really turned my life around. At least for now which I hope I don't crash again.

After having practically been a hikikomori for 4 years I think I am starting to make great steps to being happy or at least having a future. After the days of sleeping 16 hours a day and living in a gray cloud. A life with no hope for the future- I hope things become better for me. I really feel like a new person.

Thank you for reading.
 
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Steiner

Well-known member
#6
A big day at work tomorrow, well the last few days have been big. BUT! Tomorrow is supposed to be real BIG!

The vice-president of the company is coming in so everything needs to be flawless. It's a lot of stress in a way. I'll try my best I suppose but they shouldn't expect too much. I do what I can. That is all I can tell myself. This is like the first time the VP has come in or maybe the 2nd in the store's history. I had to clean the store very well.

On my knees scrubbing the counters that haven't been cleaned since the store opened.

Oh goodie!
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#7
Talking to myself is quite enjoyable. Isn't that all this is? Either way. What else to say? I can post my blog here I guess. I have still been posting to that.

Steiner's Big Blog

I have pictures I've drawn on there and writings I've done. Also pictures I took of the farm. If you like baby goats and baby cows.

My dog is getting over an illness she had recently which made her anorexic. She was given a strong antibiotic for it and she is starting to feel better. I thought she was going to die. I think I would have felt devastated if my dog died. Pretty much one of my only friends left in this world. In a world that seems to want to stomp me out she is always there for me.

I love you dog.
 
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Steiner

Well-known member
#8
I came to the conclusion a few months back that I was a narcissist. Makes sense really. I make a diary to listen to myself talk. I look at myself a lot in the mirror and I have shit self-esteem. Delusions of grandeur.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#9
I'm taking three classes this summer. Medical classes.

- - Human Anatomy and Physiology Basic

- - Medical Terminology I

- - Pathophysiology and Pharmacology

are the names of the courses I am taking.

I'm sort of excited in a way.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#10
Sort of afraid to share my feelings. I've made so many changes and it's all been so quick I think. It's like I am walking on unstable ground. Constantly shifting under my feet and if I take the wrong step I'll slip up and drown. I'm also scared because I am heavily reliant on meds atm. I don't have solid footing mentally. It's probably why the docs always suggest therapy because it's probably really needed to help improve overall mental fortitude. Helping yourself without the meds.

I'l see how this ride goes I suppose. I am still alone I suppose. I miss my chats with some people. I saw someone that looked like an old friend of mine. One from middle school/ highschool. I felt a real shock. I was starting to panic. I realized by their nametag they weren't them but still.

I hope I never see people from my highschool days again. Most of my past should probably stay there.

Not sure why I decided to start this back up again. Perhaps a longing for the past in a way. Anyway, I am off to bed now.

Good Night me.

"Good night, Steiner. Sweet dreams."
 
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Steiner

Well-known member
#11
Morning/afternoon. Just woke up. I ate the moon pie I had and a banana with peanut butter for breakfast. Also drinking the monster energy drink I put in the fridge last night. *slurp* I applied for a credit card the other day so I am wondering if it will arrive soon. I wanted to start building my credit and feeling like a real adult. A friend online bought me counterstrike the other day and I'd like to buy them a game back, though I want to get my card and bank accounts organized so I can do that.

The card I got says I need to spend 500 in the first 3 months and then I get 100 dollars free. So I can try haha. Though I will have fun I guess trying to spend that much since I am usually rather frugal I feel. I'm wondering if I will actually be able to spend that much. The car I drive is really gas efficient so I don't spend much to fill it back up. I'm not sure what I feel like purchasing. It's a predicament I guess. Maybe I can buy some posters or something.

Hm.
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
#12
The question you should be asking is not whether you can spend 500 bucks in three months—you can—but how long it will take you to pay it back with interest. Forget about the "free" $100. Offers like that are one of the many ways credit card companies seduce new and inexperienced customers into a cycle of debt which for some can be nearly impossible to break. Those interest rates and fees are no joke.

I'm not saying you shouldn't get a card or use it, just reminding you to be careful. Stick to your frugal ways, spend within your means, and be sure to pay off your balance every month without fail, and you'll be fine. Good luck. :thumbup:
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#13
The question you should be asking is not whether you can spend 500 bucks in three months—you can—but how long it will take you to pay it back with interest. Forget about the "free" $100. Offers like that are one of the many ways credit card companies seduce new and inexperienced customers into a cycle of debt which for some can be nearly impossible to break. Those interest rates and fees are no joke.

I'm not saying you shouldn't get a card or use it, just reminding you to be careful. Stick to your frugal ways, spend within your means, and be sure to pay off your balance every month without fail, and you'll be fine. Good luck. :thumbup:
Danks yeah I was thinking it was something like that haha.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#14
I'm starting to hate this job tbh. It just seems like too much. Constantly bouncing between recovering the store, checking people out at the register, brooming, mopping and just dealing with people in general. Highly annoying dealing with people especially when they complain to the managers about my attitude. It just makes me want to quit more.

The gas station across the street is hiring and I'd probably get to deal with less shit working there.

What is annoying me now though is that they have been having me close everyday. Though now they have me working 42 hours this week even though I'm only signed up as part time. I'm expecting them to drop that amount of hours. Either way I am still thinking of checking out the application for the gas station.
 
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Steiner

Well-known member
#15
I got declined for the credit card. I forgot that I had tried to kill myself and didn't bother to pay the hospital bill. (it was too much.) Oh well. I can try some other cards I guess. It's not the end of the world.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#16
Gonna go to the bank tomorrow and deposit some money. I have to get a credit card where I actually put a deposit and that deposit is my credit limit. So like 400 dollars or so and I'll have it set to autopay everytime. That is my plan. Haven't been able to get to the bank though because of work. I would also like to change how my payments work for work. Right now I have this wacky card where all of my pay goes to that but I would prefer if the money goes straight into my bank account. I also returned the book I was reading. I'm too slow of a reader but I am glad to have read the first chapter at least. It was good. Maybe I will buy the book.

I'm starting to really fit into my position here. I'm getting more comfortable at the job. My stamina is greatly improving. I don't really get tired anymore. I get 34 hours a week on average now. It's considered part-time so I think that is good. I think a lot of people would want my job. I don't make a ton of money but I make enough I suppose. What I like the best is how improved my social anxiety has become. Meds+ forcing myself to get a job and get out there has really helped me. A lot of docs were suggesting I do therapy but I think this is better than therapy.

My coworkers have fun playing around with me. I think Joanna is my favorite co-worker. She is also a teacher. She is a fun person to be around. Before I left today she was poking fun with me about my love life in a way haha. A girl came up to the register and she said I was checking her out. Haha. Also when I was leaving she asked if I had any hot dates planned. Of course not haha. Of course not.
 
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Steiner

Well-known member
#17
I'm marking today as the day I go back to really eating healthy. That means no more chocolate and pizza pretty much. I never stopped not drinking soda and adding sugar to my drinks. That will forever remain a thing with me but for now. No more junk/carbs. Unless it's like a fruit or something.

Breakfast tomorrow will be my usual whey/pb mixed with water and then a cup of coffee, black.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#18
I went ahead and applied for another job. I have the qualifications for it I think. It's probably better than this store job and hey. Perhaps I can just enjoy this job and get into this field. They have 3 positions open and it's a government job. The job title is

"County Program Technician"

How fancy.

It's a job that is under the Department of Agriculture. I've developed better people skills with my current job. Maybe I'll get lucky. It's definitely in my ballpark.
 

Steiner

Well-known member
#19
How to deal with depression. Or am I just always one for melancholy. The prozac doesn't help. Can't seem to stop the suicidal thoughts.

My life.

I don't have a problem with the melancholy. I enjoy the deeper thoughts that comes with it but it's probably not good. Saw a girl at work who I think is a soon to be employee. Interesting because we are close in age. I'm two months older. I figured out her age because she bought cigarettes and I checked her ID.

Not sure about any romance with her. I always just figure the idea of love with anyone as impossible at this point.

A lonely world. My apathy sort of eats at me slowly over time. A fear of feeling. At least a fear of love. I enjoy just rotting in bed. Shutting out everything. Can't do that because hunger and dehydration. Life occurs.
 
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Steiner

Well-known member
#20
I wonder if this is what I really wanted all along. The loneliness I guess. Or is it really loneliness at all. A feeling that is there but is that what I really want of is it just a brainwashing. Brainwashed to want companionship. Yet I find it uncomfortable. I can't seem to stand the emotions.

Time seems to be burning up quicker than it had in the past. Before I know it everything will be over. All good things come to an end.

Though could I consider my life to be good?

I guess I wanted loneliness. As time goes on my schizoid personality really begins to show. Sometimes I give myself a very light high and take more of my medication than I should. The difference between myself in the past and the person I am now is that I have learned not to trust myself.

I don't have a lot of trust in myself for when I start back up in school.

Will I be able to do it? If I do, will I be able to use what I learned?
.
.
.

I'm also looking to become a vegetarian. I'll keep the whey protein I drink occasionally. Also maybe an egg on occasion but overall it's near vegan even. Months ago I removed adding sugar to my drinks. No more soda. Removed cream/milk. So I just drink things straight as is. I won't be junky either. Mainly no processed foods. Trying to do low fat. I'd like to go shopping for food tomorrow. Fruits and vegetables.

Need to remember B12 vitamins.

Also my credit card came in the mail finally.

and no work tomorrow! So ending on a good note.
 
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