Speaking out shows bad results in my situations!

[Blumentopf]

Hi,
Yeah well, it's really like that. A lot of advices here also says stuffs like "Just speak out and you'll see the result isn't that bad." or "Why keeping thoughts always to yourself." or generally just step up and being yourself or whatsoever. People might start to like you etc.

But as often I could push myself to just step up and speak out and participate and being myself (!) doesn't work! I'm not getting good results at all! People still look at me like i'm a total loser which doesn't encourage me at all. the few Friends i have are growing further away from me even if I socialize with them as much as possible. My brother I'm so close with makes some jokes of me (he doesn't know of my SA) and I still feel horrible of what she is saying now which didn't bother me years ago and my confidence breaks and breaks..

But yeah, people here also say: "If they don't like you, Forget them! these people obviously don't want to know you and ther're thouusands more who'll like you!"
The main problem to me is, even if i meet the NICEST and most outcoming and caring People, we're never getting friends or they even don't like me or think i'm really weird. It's so sad and screws my life even if i'm SOOO ready to change it! I made so many attempts to talk to people.

Talking or none at all won't help me getting out of the situation.
it's frustrating!

I hope you guys could giving me some comments, advices or your thoughts about that. Maybe some of you experienced the same. I don't know ^^.

Blumentopf.

 

[Rise Against]

Im like you, i try to venture out of my comfort zone and start conversations. At first I was always really nervous and just made myself sound like a complete idiot, because i would mumble gibberish. I kept trying and got better at staying calm and relaxed, and let the other person do most of the talking. Now i plan out every conversation ahead of time, so i don't run out of things to say. Just keep trying, it will get easier once people become more comfortable with you. Just don't give up.

 

[Blumentopf]

Hi, thanks for answering ^^.
Yeah, I guess I have to keep trying.
I still do and I realized people getting used to me and more comfortable if they spend more time with me. But it takes much time.
Making new contacts is a harder thing though because you won't stay with these people that long.
I tried to do your thing, too, thinking of the conversation ahead, the topics and smalltalks etc. It works and a conversation is built, but it seems like an interview. It seems like I'm the one who's keep asking or trying too hard to avoid silence and keep conv's. ^^'

 

[kayelle]

Well, I don't think that you can just expose yourself to these situation over and over in the hope that they get better. You run the risk of just getting worse then, because it re-affirms to your brain over and over again that speaking out is going to be bad.
I think you need to learn new methods first...new ways of thinking about speaking out, new ways of coping with the anxiety, and new affirmations and coping statements to prepare yourself for it. Then you can firstly change your mindset and THEN you can start participating.
If you were always anxious before speaking out, and you can keep doing it without changing anything first, then I don't know how much will change.
You have to change how you approach in first and then start fresh with a new outlook.

 

[misterF]

Hi,
Yeah well, it's really like that. A lot of advices here also says stuffs like "Just speak out and you'll see the result isn't that bad." or "Why keeping thoughts always to yourself." or generally just step up and being yourself or whatsoever. People might start to like you etc.

But as often I could push myself to just step up and speak out and participate and being myself (!) doesn't work! I'm not getting good results at all! People still look at me like i'm a total loser which doesn't encourage me at all. the few Friends i have are growing further away from me even if I socialize with them as much as possible. My brother I'm so close with makes some jokes of me (he doesn't know of my SA) and I still feel horrible of what she is saying now which didn't bother me years ago and my confidence breaks and breaks..

But yeah, people here also say: "If they don't like you, Forget them! these people obviously don't want to know you and ther're thouusands more who'll like you!"
The main problem to me is, even if i meet the NICEST and most outcoming and caring People, we're never getting friends or they even don't like me or think i'm really weird. It's so sad and screws my life even if i'm SOOO ready to change it! I made so many attempts to talk to people.

Talking or none at all won't help me getting out of the situation.
it's frustrating!

I hope you guys could giving me some comments, advices or your thoughts about that. Maybe some of you experienced the same. I don't know ^^.

Blumentopf.

Hi, i totally relate to what you're saying. I'm trying so hard to talk to people and all it does is remind me of how awkward and unnatural it is for me to speak with people I don't know. I really thought that if I started making the effort and stopped avoiding people I would get better (that's what my therapist said) but all it's done is making more depressed. I'm really beginning to wonder if I'll ever get over SA...

 

[SickJoke]

Hi,
Yeah well, it's really like that. A lot of advices here also says stuffs like "Just speak out and you'll see the result isn't that bad." or "Why keeping thoughts always to yourself." or generally just step up and being yourself or whatsoever. People might start to like you etc.

But as often I could push myself to just step up and speak out and participate and being myself (!) doesn't work! I'm not getting good results at all! People still look at me like i'm a total loser which doesn't encourage me at all. the few Friends i have are growing further away from me even if I socialize with them as much as possible. My brother I'm so close with makes some jokes of me (he doesn't know of my SA) and I still feel horrible of what she is saying now which didn't bother me years ago and my confidence breaks and breaks..

But yeah, people here also say: "If they don't like you, Forget them! these people obviously don't want to know you and ther're thouusands more who'll like you!"
The main problem to me is, even if i meet the NICEST and most outcoming and caring People, we're never getting friends or they even don't like me or think i'm really weird. It's so sad and screws my life even if i'm SOOO ready to change it! I made so many attempts to talk to people.

Talking or none at all won't help me getting out of the situation.
it's frustrating!

I hope you guys could giving me some comments, advices or your thoughts about that. Maybe some of you experienced the same. I don't know ^^.

Blumentopf.

When you put yourself out there, you have to make sure not to do it with a victim attitude. So you can't start up a conversation thinking "They're going to hate me," and you can't react to every response thinking "I knew it, they think I'm weird." That's a victim attitude, a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're setting yourself up to fail.

So when you do start up a conversation, think "I'm going to share my positive vibe with these people." And if you're being genuine, with only that goal in mind: to share your positive vibe with them, you will get better results. If you get rejected, no big deal. It really doesn't matter. Don't rely on others for your self esteem, it has to come from within.

 

[misterF]

When you put yourself out there, you have to make sure not to do it with a victim attitude. So you can't start up a conversation thinking "They're going to hate me," and you can't react to every response thinking "I knew it, they think I'm weird." That's a victim attitude, a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're setting yourself up to fail.

So when you do start up a conversation, think "I'm going to share my positive vibe with these people." And if you're being genuine, with only that goal in mind: to share your positive vibe with them, you will get better results. If you get rejected, no big deal. It really doesn't matter. Don't rely on others for your self esteem, it has to come from within.

You make good points but sometimes thinking positive just isn't enough. I've tried really hard to smile, laugh and everything, but it just feels hollow as I know that I'm just forcing myself to feel positive. Deep inside I know that I'm depressed and my life is stuck, no matter how hard I try to think positive, it just feels like papering over the cracks. Right now I'm dating someone and even when I'm going out with her and I'm having a decent time she sometimes asks why I'm sad, and that's when I'm being positive...I guess what I'm trying to say is that forcing myself to think positive isn't enough.

 

[Blumentopf]

Exactly! but in my situations i wasnt not only trying. i really came with optimistic into these situations and told myself: hey, ure actually funny and nice and just go ahead! They'll like you!
but that was my point, even NOT having negative thoughts in mind doesn't work either and rejection keeps reminds me that my effort is really senseless and thinking of rejections are no big deal aren't working anymore that much because they're too many. Every attempt fails. so yeah, i can't just ignore them and saying No big deal anymore.
kayelle is right. i think i have to learn how to approach in first.

 

[SickJoke]

You make good points but sometimes thinking positive just isn't enough. I've tried really hard to smile, laugh and everything, but it just feels hollow as I know that I'm just forcing myself to feel positive. Deep inside I know that I'm depressed and my life is stuck, no matter how hard I try to think positive, it just feels like papering over the cracks. Right now I'm dating someone and even when I'm going out with her and I'm having a decent time she sometimes asks why I'm sad, and that's when I'm being positive...I guess what I'm trying to say is that forcing myself to think positive isn't enough.

You're depressed because you believe your life is stuck. Thinking positively can't magically fix your life in an instant. It takes time, effort, repetition, reinforcement.

Exactly! but in my situations i wasnt not only trying. i really came with optimistic into these situations and told myself: hey, ure actually funny and nice and just go ahead! They'll like you!
but that was my point, even NOT having negative thoughts in mind doesn't work either and rejection keeps reminds me that my effort is really senseless and thinking of rejections are no big deal aren't working anymore that much because they're too many. Every attempt fails. so yeah, i can't just ignore them and saying No big deal anymore.
kayelle is right. i think i have to learn how to approach in first.

If you have ZERO negative thoughts in your mind during an ENTIRE conversation, it's impossible to fail, because failure won't even exist in your reality. You won't be judging the conversation on a success/failure level, you'll simply be enjoying the interaction. It's all a mindset. I realize you can't just switch on this mindset, it takes practice.

 

[misterF]

You're depressed because you believe your life is stuck. Thinking positively can't magically fix your life in an instant. It takes time, effort, repetition, reinforcement.

Exactly it takes a lot of time and effort, I guess I just have to keep on trying. It's difficult to stay hopeful because you don't have any guaranties that you're going to get better but you have everything to gain from trying to make your life better so it's worth it. It makes it easier when there are people like you trying to help though .

 

[TheNewZero]

I know what you mean, every time I speak up with strangers and try to be 'myself' I feel like everyone thinks I'm really weird, and I feel really misunderstood. This is especially true in my classes. I only have one class that I'm taking now where I speak frequently, and its only because my teacher adores me. I get weird looks from everyone in my class whenever I talk. I know they're asking themselves why I'm trying so hard in class, and why I'm thinking so deeply about stuff. Apparently it isn't cool to want to learn. If it weren't for my teacher, I wouldn't talk at all. It's hard to be different, and I think you just have to understand that the majority of people who you talk to aren't going to understand you. But its such a good feeling when you find people who do, and who think that you're absolutely amazing for being who you are.

What people are saying here is good advice. When I was having a hard time speaking up in class last semester, my psychologist told me that of course I would be so nervous if I never talk. If you're only going to make it a one time thing, and stressing out over the one time that you speak up in class, it's going to put a lot of pressure on you to say the exact same thing. People can't give others a good representation of themselves from talking only once. If you make it a regular thing, there's going to be people who hear what you say every once in a while and agree with you, or start to see that you are someone who they might want to get to know. Easier said than done, I know, but I guess what I'm trying to say is keep trying. It'll work eventually.

 

[SickJoke]

Exactly it takes a lot of time and effort, I guess I just have to keep on trying. It's difficult to stay hopeful because you don't have any guaranties that you're going to get better but you have everything to gain from trying to make your life better so it's worth it. It makes it easier when there are people like you trying to help though .

Hey that means a lot And I agree, there's everything to gain. Hitting rock bottom, I think, can be the most motivating experience, because at that point **** it, what's there to lose?

 

[Blumentopf]

Yeah, we really appreciate your help a lot ^^ it's just we're in such a frustrating situation that seems so unfair and not having an exit ever. I guess it's just about trying and trying again and again.

 

[misterF]

I agree that sometimes it looks like there's no exit. Today at language class I talked a bit and felt proud but because my classmates know me as the quiet one they don't even look at me when they talk between themselves. So frustrating...

 

[Blumentopf]

Yup, same thing here. But hey, slowly I'm really just enthusiastic about these stuffs. I'm still rather passive in class, but I'm like: Screw them if they're ignoring me or look at me as if i'm the weirdest person ever! Because they don't know me (yeah, SA screws every social actions but we're working on it, heh? ) and they shouldn judge someone they don't know, and I'm not weird or bad looking at all or wearing old fashion or weird clothes.
Now I'm just trying to develope myself and improve in things because there're so many things out of this "bad bad world" too! I'm drawing, playing piano & guitar, and studying and go jogging to get fitter, and if I'm having enough money, I'd like to travel. So it's just about me now. I don't want other people effecting my life so much. Well, ok, I won't have that many friends like all the people in my school have, but I found out that I can live with that.

I hope I'll overcome this SA. It's still somewhere in the back of my head, waiting to jump out and destroying my optimism and enthusiasm and gets me all nervous, anxious and depressed. ^^

 

[NormanBates]

Our anti-depressant dealing society would have you believe you need to be more outgoing.