Something From Nothing - Musings and Memories

[Taden]

A few years ago I found out about this site and I signed up. But I was always too scared and lacking of confidence to speak on anything in the forums. I figure now, with my life in utter shambles, what do I have to lose?

I would just like to first start with an apology/declaration of lack of inter-personal skills. I've been told that I can sometimes come off as rude, curt, unemotional, too emotional, etc... I've not had very much communication with healthy minded people (healthy minded being non-abusive)...As such, I try to be as detached from people and situations when I'm trying to think or reason things out. At least, on the forum that is really the only likely effect that will show through. In person I can also get frightened and over-emotional in comparison to the situation's level of emotional requirement, but given the format of being able to truly think before 'replying' (messaging) I believe it to not likely be an issue here at all.

My goal on this forum site is to gain a sense of support from understanding people. Apart from four people in my life who have recently become my world, I have no one. For this journal of sorts, my goal is to just put into a clear and written format, my thoughts and memories, as it says in the title. I hope that people will comment, and depending on the posts, possibly gain perspective on similar situations they themselves may be facing.


Quick facts about me:

• Adopted
• Commonlaw/Married
• Pansexual
• Artistic
• Musical
• Abstract
• Science Enthusiast
• Animal Person
• Anime Lover

I am diagnosed with Dysthymia (form of depression), Social Anxiety, and Insomnia. Along with these I also have numerous general anxieties.

I would like to take a moment to honor the people I do still have in my life. I know that they have proven beyond a doubt to myself that they are in my life for better or worse. They are my supports; when the weight of everything falls on my head, they are there to protect and hide me from the dangers and the sadness, and the arms that lift me back to my feet after I fall. If looking back I required one good thing done right, or a source of pride and luck, it would be that my beloved makeshift 'family' found me. I met three of them in group therapy with them when I was in highschool; Bella, Taylor, and Brad. And then my husband Derrik, who, in the brief time that I was able to endure highschool, I met and fell in love together with.





The musing I had for today was actually inspired by the thought of Letting Go.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around what this truly means for myself...

At what point do you let something go that built who you were? Likely never, though that's just my thought. It depends obviously on the situation and context, but at least as it deals with me and other individuals who had, to put it, "less then favorable beginnings".

If the first three years of a human's life is the most crucial in developing a proper sense of self and sense of others, at what point are you even in any control to the situations that arise later that you personally deal with SOLEY based on what you learned as a child. If you have no basis for what society deems 'good' or 'proper' etc, you have no way to know that the behaviour needs modification and nothing to base a modification on anyways? And if you carry the weight of, as I put it, "less then favorable beginnings" then isn't it only natural that, to some degree, you will carry that base of who you are, in you, until you either cease being or possibly have traumatic brain damage that whipes you clean (in which case you would cease being the old you and become an entirely different you)?

Wouldn't it only be natural then to harbor, to some capacity at least, an anger or hurt? Wouldn't it illicit some sadness to know that beyond your control, someone with more knowledge or experience to the human condition, either allowed or caused such conditions in your past that they now effect every aspect of your life in some way or another?

 

[Odo]

Thanks for sharing!

I think I've heard that having a small group of friends is healthier than having a lot of people in your life, because that way you actually know each other really well and form closer bonds.

I will be following this journal!

 

[singing-love]

"Less then favourable beginnings", is a good way to put things, unfortunately i know the feeling. As for your little support network, at least you have a few really good people in your life, it's the quality not the quantity that matters and i believe that! Thank you for sharing and i look forward to reading more .

 

[Taden]

Thanks for sharing!

I think I've heard that having a small group of friends is healthier than having a lot of people in your life, because that way you actually know each other really well and form closer bonds.

I will be following this journal!

Thanks for commenting =]

Yes, I've heard the same things. And thankfully in recent years, I've been lucky enough to experience what few close bonds I have left.

"Less then favourable beginnings", is a good way to put things, unfortunately i know the feeling. As for your little support network, at least you have a few really good people in your life, it's the quality not the quantity that matters and i believe that! Thank you for sharing and i look forward to reading more .

I've lost a lot in my life; the strength that remains, I owe entirely to my friends =]

Thank you for reading, both of you. I was really scared about posting a journal of thoughts. Means a lot to get positive feedback =] thankyou

 

[Taden]

It was an okay day. Seems like a passive thing to say offhandedly, but, oddly it actually was an okay day.


Every Wednesday, my husband Derrik, my roommate Brad, and I go to a place called ROOF (Reaching Our Outdoor Friends). It's a youth shelter/outreach center. We do this because of a poor financial situation; because of the severity of my SA, along with a back injury, I can no longer work. So we go to ROOF to utilize their Food Hamper Program. A nurse and counselor also come in on Wednesdays.

This is the only day I leave my bedroom, put my "Let's Do This" face on, and march stiffly out my apartment. I have to, or else there is no food. I always remind myself of that. Eyes on the ground, watching every step I take. I walk between Derrik and Brad like they are my walls. DONT LOOK UP, just watch your feet...
Quick Detour Thought
Last night I had a nightmare, I won't go into lengthy detail, but I was being chased by my (adoptive) mother and grandmother, but also, by a grotesque molting black creature with my face (for those that play Skyrim, like a Hagraven).
Because of this dream...
The entire time that I was out getting food hampers I had to deal with hard to describe pangs of severe loneliness and separation anxiety. Thankfully it at least balanced out because due to the cold weather outside, very few people were at ROOF today. It was almost entirely empty inside so I felt somewhat relaxed in regards to fewer people. I was worried that I would start bothering Derrik, my husband, as well though.

When I get overrun by what feels like waves of utter loneliness and emptiness I get overly clingy towards my husband. Almost like an infant's need to be held? I've heard that things like that are normal to adopted children and I would imagine that over the course my life has taken, it likely got pushed further up in severity. It takes a lot of self control on my part to not want to just either find a corner and curl into a ball, or if my husband is there, curl up into him as close as I can get. I'm always deeply ashamed of this compulsion I feel, but I have to remind myself that its a reaction to a deep fear that's built up in what is now me...I can't change what has happened, only what will happen...As I said, I controlled my behaviour, but to relieve the anxiety, I hugged his arm to my chest and buried my face in his arm.


The day balances out in the positive, to that level of 'okay' that I was talking about, in two ways.

1. Cooking
   I love to cook, it's a hobby of mine. I don't use recipes for meals, I throw it together and season it based off of smell, taste and experience. Every Wednesday offers me an opportunity to bust out my huge dutch oven pot and other various cooking utensils to make a healthy and heaping batch of stuuuuff for Derrik and my two roommates to eat for however many days it takes for them to devour it, lol.
   
2. Movie - Frozen
   This is one of my new, favorite Disney movies. I feel that I can relate a lot to Elsa's perspective and it makes me wonder if the makers of the movie perhaps had it in mind to make it relatable to people with anxiety disorders? Though that may be specific to certain pasts that maybe not all people with anxiety go through? (The message drilled in by the parents "Conceil it, don't feel it, don't let it show")
   
   
   At this point I feel like I'm rambling, I hope I didn't bore anyone O-o I'm worried about that... O_O

 

[Taden]

A day of musical indulgence. Immersed in melodic waves of emotion.
Self-Music Therapy
I guess?


Today is better then yesterday, but that's due mainly to not having to leave my bedroom today for another 7 days (next Wednesday).

I figured in order to bring down my level of anxiety and depression, I would concentrate on music today. Anything that elicits strong feelings and releases them from my mind into music and words. I've used this technique for a long time, I don't know if anyone else has maybe also used methods similar or the same?

I attribute the fact that I am alive to my favorite band, Seether. When I was younger, I experienced much more depression then I have now, and went through a long period of time where I was seriously contemplating and in some times obsessing over suicide. Whether you can sing well or not, belting out a song that rips through you with an emotional intensity that matches your own, feels like a moment of understanding between two people and relieves some of the pressure of your own emotional intensity (How it works for me, at least).

While I have a very eclectic taste of music, and what I'm feeling decides the band that I listen to at any given point, there are some artists that I have come to 'feel' a kinship of sorts towards their lyrics and the emotions put forth in the majority or all of their songs.

• Seether
• Kid Cudi
• Mudvayne
• HIM
• Breaking Benjamin
• Anberlin
• Scroobius Pip
• K-Os

So...while I currently have over 7,000 songs on my iPod, these artists get the most played.

I'm interested whether or not other people maybe use some form of musical therapy? If so, how does it work specifically for you and what kinds of music works best? If not, what is a person ritual or activity that you feel calms you?

Thankyou for reading =]

 

[Taden]

I wanted to just start off today by saying that the reason I put effort into making the font different sizes, colors, etc is because I have difficulty processing written words. It helps a lot more to have variety and break ups in the text format, that way I don't repeat sentences or see the page of font as a whole...Also I will use it to sometimes emphasize things or try to get emotions through.

Just in case anyone thought it was strange =P​

...​

Well, there are a few things I could talk about...however, I'm a very timid and skittish person when it comes to speaking about matters that seem to consume my life at the moment.

Is it normal to obsess over things so much? To be consumed with a never ending spiral of dead-end pessimistic thoughts?
I feel the only way to be understood properly by anyone is to make them aware of key points from my past that have had enormous effects on how I perceive and handle people and situations...but because of these key points, I also have a lot of fear in regards to trusting people with that information.

I'm afraid of appearing dramatic while describing what can ONLY be considered a dramatic childhood. I say 'dramatic' because though there were experiences that could be considered at times traumatic, I fully and openly admit, my childhood was not the worst I've heard of. I'm sure that unfortunately there are probably worse untold stories out there as well. I feel calling my own childhood 'traumatic' would be down playing those who had truly traumatic childhoods.

(My heart goes out to those of you who read this that feel that they fall into either category.)


...​

I will do my best to make this into a summary instead of a huge ordeal. I will likely eventually go into detail in other journal entries, or if you have any questions obviously feel free to post them here or if it's private you can send me a message if you want to talk or if you're wanting someone who can just listen.

As I had said in my original post here, I have Dysthymia, Social Anxiety, Insomnia, as well as many other general anxieties. Most of these anxieties were brought about mainly due to key points in my childhood. Bullet format may be easier to make this a better summary, so I'll use that.

• Adopted at 2 Days Old
  This I feel has a drastic impact on who I am as a person. My life was built entirely upon a cracked foundation, and what was to follow in my life only functioned to build upon that single large fault line. This is where my base for difficulty of trust starts; this is where my separation anxiety starts. Lastly, this is biggest reason why I now have dropped the excuses I made up for the poor treatment of me by my parents. They chose to adopt, I DID NOT ASK FOR THE LIFE YOU LED ME THROUGH! (Also, a last, important thing to know; My Dad's side of the family firmly believes that you are not family unless you are a blood relative)
  
• Mother is Workaholic/Dad is Work-out-aholic
  Just to get a base character understanding of who my parents were/are. This led immediately to both of the next two bullets...
  
• Mother Snaps/So Does Dad...
  Mom hits...screams...smacks my face...grabs my hair...pulls me up stairs and through hallways BY my hair...hits while I curl up in a ball on the ground...
  Dad yells...things smash in the house when he comes home so I hide...when he yells, it's thunderous...when he yells, his eyes become wide...when he yells, I'm terrified...he's always yelling...
  
• They Snap at Each Other Too...
  I could hear them clearly in my bedroom, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
  "You wanted her!" "Why are you never home?!" "She's your daughter!"
  Back and forth, every...single...day...
  It was around this time, my earliest memories from when I was 3, that I started to blame myself. I remember it well because I could never forget the thought that I carried with me attached to that sentiment; that 'I did something so bad that death is not punishment enough...God despised me and put me here to suffer...'
  
• No Friends Allowed?
  My mom seemed to have such specific rules to me having friends over that to this day when I tell people, they are left with the same impression; that it seemed intentional for her to not want me to have friends over.
  I HAD to ask between 1 1/2 - 2 weeks ahead, any less and she would lecture and yell at me, any more and she would plan something for that night thinking that it had been cancelled. She was very rude with all of my friends if they even stopped by to pick me up or drop me off. No sleep overs. Most of my friends ultimately weren't even allowed to come to my house because of mom not liking them for whatever her reasons were (she would never say). On the rare occassions that I had friends over, my parents provided the same toxic atmosphere that I was, unfortunately immune to, ensuring they wouldn't want to visit again...
  
• Dysthymia and Social Anxiety/The Rift Begins
  From all of those factors that my life was being built up from, I became distant with everyone. I built walls to hide my emotions, I didn't trust anyone with the true me; if i cried, everyone, I felt, would see my exposed weakness and exploit it. I still had some friends, but it felt impossible at times to make a connection with them because even for the friends that were true, there was always still so much disdain for myself, so much self hatred for what, at the time, I felt was my fault. How could anyone accept me, if I couldn't bare to even think of myself as a person? I felt I was scum to be trampled, and while I grew empty at those thoughts, I also fully accepted that as my fate. This is where my insomnia started. This is when my dysthymia and social anxiety started to take hold of my life; mid grade 7. By grade 9, I was no longer able to handle leaving my house because of panic attacks, severe stomach pains, hyperventilation, inability to talk to people, etc. I became a spiritual non-thiest to try to stay positive and to give myself something to look forward to.
  
• Never Again!
  Though the day never came that I was able to stand up to my father, it did come one day for my mother. It was a day I felt pure triumph, but no happiness. It was a single moment; looking in her eyes as they turned to instant rage and knowing by instinct what was going to happen next. We were in the basement and I bolted up the stairs to avoid her from grabbing at my hair, clawing and lashing out at me. She ran up the stairs behind me on my heels, but then BOOM!. I was at the top of the stairs so I looked back at my mom, who was sprawled out on the landing because she had missed a step. She looked up at me and started crying asking me to help her. At first, I wanted to...but...I sat down on the top of the steps. I said, "No, this is how I have felt because of you. Help yourself." She kept crying and started to whine, but after a bit, she realized I wasn't going to help her. I walked away to my bedroom and when I came back in five minutes, she had gotten up and gone back into her room in the basement. That was the last time my mother ever physically attacked me. I was 16.
  
• "She Has Demons With Her!"
  This is when my mom's side of the family started to disappear from my life (my dad's side never having wanted a role in my life to begin with). Mainly voiced to me by my grandmother; most opinions were voiced to my mom instead of me. I will never forget visiting my uncle as he was slowly dying of cancer, how gaunt he looked when he used to smile and be more full...then I was told my my grandmother as we left abruptly that I had brought demons that had bothered my uncle. "He's already weak from fighting cancer, he didn't want the added stress of fending off the demons you had brought with you."
• "You're the Mother, Force Her!"/"She's Faking For Attention!"
  Family functions were HELL. Being almost literally dragged there, told that it was intentionally me being rude and snobby to my family. My grandmother hated that my mom, from her view, was 'letting me get away with murder' and that I was 'undisciplined' for wanting to not come to Thanksgiving or Christmas etc. At one point I remember my mom finally letting me stay home from a function, and no sooner then my grandmother had found out that I wasn't going to be there, she was phoning my mom up. I was sitting next to mom in the car when this happened; the phone on speaker so my mom could drive and talk. I felt completely empty when my mom tried to defend my choice, siting that I had panic attacks, and my grandmother responded "You're the mother, force her!". My father too was starting to have difficulty understanding my anti-social tendencies. Because I was being taken from one spe******t to another, he started doubting whether or not I was just faking to get attention. It hurts to lose so much and then to lose more because of chosen ignorance...
• Finally an End to the Fighting
  Around this time is when I joined a youth group for teens suffering from internalized mental health issues (and met my friends Bella, Brad, and Taylor), and when I finally received a 6 week test from a psychologist that gave me a diagnosis to work with. My parents went through an extremely sudden and quick divorce. I was glad because the arguments at home would end and so would the stress that came from them. The stupid thing was that it had come to my dad giving my mom an ultimatum...chose your daughter, or me...
• The Beginning of the Unforseen End...
  After choosing to get divorced rather then not support her teenager with mental health concerns, my mom snapped. She started sleeping around, bringing strange men home (despite my fear of strangers and of men), spending money we could not afford to go to motels with strangers. I was never so ashamed of my mother, the lack of respect she had for her own well being was appalling, and she ended up getting an STD. I kept telling her "I care about your happiness and safety, please, be more careful." But, she kept it up and ended up losing connections to people that she had actual interest in dating because of her promiscuity.
• Snap, there Goes One
  When my parents divorced, my father immediately moved in with a woman who in six months became his new wife. I did my best to try and repair what damage there was in our relationship; he seemed a little less angry in general because of his new relationship, so I thought it might work...But then an email he sent to my mom broke my heart; he still held to his opinion that everything I was doing was a lie, that now he believed my mom and I had schemed up together to get him to pay for counseling. I did my best for 3 years to ignore how empty that email had made me feel. Finally after losing one of my oldest friends because of my anxieties, I flew into a deep state of depression and couldn't leave my house for months. I couldn't talk to anyone. When my dad finally contacted me, I told him that I couldn't have him in my life because I needed to be around people that believed that the pain I felt from my anxiety and depression was real. That I needed to be supported instead of being called a liar. He responded, unfortunately, as I felt he would. He believed that the letter was too well written and must have come from my mom. The last thing he said was "Do me a favor, change your last name, you don't deserve it."
• Snap, and...
  To get away from my mother's activities, I moved 4 hours up north to move in with my fiance and his dad at 19. Before even half a year passed, we moved back down together, to the same town I had started from. I missed my friends and a street is too much of a change from a city. I missed my mom too, despite it all. She ended up though, getting into a controlled relationship where I didn't see her for a whole year, despite constant efforts to contact her and visit. (Something she's still in denial of)...
• There Goes the Other One
  Boom, the last branch snaps, and the cradle plummets to the Earth...
  Fresh out of the relationship where she allowed herself to be controlled, she then quickly got into a 'marriage agreement'. I call it that because after a month of knowing each other and before I even met him, they were engaged. With the issues surrounding my dad at the time, I was even more nervous around strange men. Whenever Brent saw me, he would always tell my mom that he felt that I didn't like him and that I was snubbing him because I 'wouldn't' talk to him, even though its because I was just afraid. It all came to a head when they moved in together. I was visiting with my husband for Christmas at my mom's apartment. I was still being quiet and withdrawn and so when my grandmother called and asked to talk to me I was startled (I have severe anxiety using phones) and meekly said "I'm sorry mom, I can't." To which, Brent, a mountain of a man starts getting angry "Show some respect to your mother and grandmother!" I start feeling cornered and force myself to not run away, "You don't understand, Brent, I have anxiety, I'm not trying to be disrespectful...".....at that point he started yelling at how my behaviour was ruining my mother's Christmas. I started to cry and so I left the apartment to avoid a panic attack and Derrik, my husband, followed me, trying to comfort me. As we are walking down the hallway of my mom's apartment building, all of a sudden Brent bursts out of my mom's apartment, his face red and filled with rage. I'm still walking to the elevator so he runs at me and grabbed my arm. He started yelling in my face how I was making a scene but...thankfully Derrik stepped in "Let. Her. Go." and he did. Mom still to this day doesn't believe be that Brent grabbed me, but she wasn't in the hall. Derrik, myself, and Brent were the only ones who know what happen, and she believed Brent who she'd only known for 3 months. Later on Brent told me that I was not invited to the wedding until I apologized for ruining Christmas as well as for making her upset because of me not feeling safe to visit her afterwards. Also that when he married her, that the money my mother had lent me and my husband to help us through tough financial times would be money, I would then owe him and that he intended to take personal legal action against me if I didn't pay the money back immediately. I tried. For a Year. To salvage this...I had to come to terms that my mother was going to continue to refuse that Brent had done anything. That once again, because of someone who was meant to be a parent, I was being told to lay down calmly in harms way. So, with great sadness, but tremendous strength, I walked away from the only family I had left. I needed to feel happy and feel like being alive. I needed to grow. I needed to walk away.

And so I'm left in the aftermath...

Sometimes it feels like my feet are dragging...but I live for the rare days that I can feel strength inside of myself and lift my chin up to the path before me.

 

[Taden]

It's the main reason I think, why I chose the signature I have. It's lyrics for a song by Seether called "Tonight". It's an inspiring song that helps remind me sometimes that all the strength I need, I already have inside...

 

[nodejesque]

Wow Taden. Your parents are a.ssholes. im sorry you've had to go through all of this, I know that its cliche, but you're better off. Something that I was told, after trying tme and time again to be what certain family wanted me to be, is that ultimately we are all just strangers. Individuals, who have this idealistic way of vewing how family should be. But in reality, they're just strangers, whom at one point in our lives, we shared a bond with. That does not make us for ever indebted to the idea that we have to salvage whatever relationship is left with these people. Because its poison.

You deserve be be angry and disappointed. You were dealt a shitty hand, Taden. Now take your anger and go set the world on fire. Because although you may feel broken, they don't deserve that power over you. And if you need to give the bird to your dad, and rip him a new one... then do it. Because he was never your dad. Just a stranger who was a shitty person and took his rage and feelings of inadequacy out on a lil girl.

But they can't hert her anymore.

Anyway, go on and REALLY piss them off. Be happy

 

[Taden]

Wow Taden. Your parents are a.ssholes. im sorry you've had to go through all of this, I know that its cliche, but you're better off. Something that I was told, after trying tme and time again to be what certain family wanted me to be, is that ultimately we are all just strangers. Individuals, who have this idealistic way of vewing how family should be. But in reality, they're just strangers, whom at one point in our lives, we shared a bond with. That does not make us for ever indebted to the idea that we have to salvage whatever relationship is left with these people. Because its poison.

You deserve be be angry and disappointed. You were dealt a shitty hand, Taden. Now take your anger and go set the world on fire. Because although you may feel broken, they don't deserve that power over you. And if you need to give the bird to your dad, and rip him a new one... then do it. Because he was never your dad. Just a stranger who was a shitty person and took his rage and feelings of inadequacy out on a lil girl.

But they can't hert her anymore.

Anyway, go on and REALLY piss them off. Be happy

Thank you, nodejesque, that means a lot to me.

I'm hoping to one day accomplish something that is permanent in the world, something to say that I was here and I am strong. It's something that I've been drawing a lot as well, characters of great strength and determination. At the end of the day, you only have the will in your own heart to move forward.

I think about the pain in my past less and less every day, but I always try to grow and become a kinder and more gentle person. I used to have bad anger issues because of my past, but I've grown from them and matured a lot in the short time I've been free of my adopted parents and family. Sometimes it feels lonely when I think of not having a family, but I agree with you, they are ultimately strangers.

 

[Taden]

For over a year now, I have been experiencing "double depression" (for those who may not know, this is when an episode of major depression is experienced in addition to dysthymia). For the past few weeks now, I have especially struggled hard with feelings of sorrow and loneliness...

I'm not sure if it would be the same for everyone, but possibly some other people may know the feeling...that when you don't care about yourself, you don't take care of yourself.
I know that's a general statement, but to clarify, I mean if you think of yourself in a negative way, you would likely only see yourself in a negative way. And thus more likely to feel negative towards yourself.

(Can't sleep, so I write journals that mildly ramble...)​

Because it can become simple habit, or even just lost perspective from too much time focused on the negative aspects of people/places/things, it is important to set goals.

Even if you set small, achievable tasks to complete throughout your day, it can have a worthwhile, positive effect on your outlook. You will have the sense of accomplishment to encourage you; to remind you in the dark, you can still light a small area with just one candle.

Progress doesn't happen instantly, so try to pat yourself on the back and recognize achievements and successes whenever you can, no matter how insignificant they seem.​

I figure it's about time to try and set some goals for myself so I can start lifting myself up out of this epic slump.

 

[Taden]

Short and Long Term Goals
Life Changes I Aspire Towards
...

These lists will likely change as time moves forward, but this is just to outline a basic set of goals and achievements for myself.
It's tailored to my specific wants but feel free to let it inspire you to write a set of goals for yourself if you are so inclined. =]

...​

Day-to-Day Routine

• Wash Face
• Brush Teeth
• Eat Breakfast
• Excersize
• Shower
• Supper
• Wash Face
• Brush Teeth

I know some of these may seem obvious to some people, and I cannot speak for anyone else but myself; I have trouble with remembering to do these things. Sometimes it's because of my erratic sleep patterns from my insomnia, normally though it's due to the level of depression I'm experiencing. Either way, it's good to have a basic structure to your day because routines that involve taking care of the health of your body are obviously good to remember.


With that said, I'll go into my 3-5 Year Plan.

A brief explanation for the basic goals of this 3-5 Year Plan:
My ultimate goal is to become physically and emotionally strong. Not only that but to allow myself to show my inner me in ways that I was long told were unacceptable.
I want to experience better health and a style of fashion that for once suits me instead of what was put onto me.


3-5 Year Plan

• Get into Day-to-Day Routine
• 8~ Glasses of Water/Day
• 3+ Salads/Week
• 5- Cans of Pop/Month
• 3+ Biking/Week
• 30+ mins Exercise/Day
• $20+ into Savings/Week

I'm currently very unhealthy physically. I've always struggled with my weight because of hormonal imbalances despite being active as a child, but since I fell in the shower a year ago, my back has made moving around near impossible at times. So I'm hoping to start these changes so that I can gradually relieve at least the pressure caused by excess weight. Also my goal is ultimately become the person I've always wanted to be.

You Only Live Once​

There are some permanent changes to my body that I have thought over for many years and made decisions about over time. As I said above, I want the freedom to express my inner self and fashion sense.

I already have 1 lip piercing and intend to get between 1-2 more.

I intend to get between 7-9 ear piercings (I have none so far)

I also want to get a piercing on the outer side of my face beside both eyes. Like this:


And I have two tattoos in mind.
For my upper back:

For behind my ears, not quite this, but a frost design instead:


All of these changes are going to happen over time and I intend to use them as motive for myself to make me feel an even better sense of accomplishment.

 

[StonerBella420]

you are the most amazing friend ever, I wouldnt change a thing about yourself, I love you like my sister no matter what you have been through, I know that your hurting and been through so much stuff with your family and it hurts to hear this and im so sorry that you ever had to deal with such things, you never deserved any of this and none of this was your fault, its something that we never asked for!!! Always know Im here no matter what hunny Im always here and you can chat to me about anything... nothing you tell me would EVER make you loose me as a friend, were friends till the end and I mean that, even though I dont get to see you much I still mean this!!! Love ya sis <3

 

[Taden]

*hugs* Love you too, Bella you are simply the best <3 thank you for always being a light in my life.

 

[StonerBella420]

Always welcome hunny, that's the reason why I'm here in this world, to be their for people and try to be there... <3 keep smiling beautiful

 

[Taden]

Vocal Dubstep​

I think Vocal Dubstep is a great creative medium. I love to zone into it during meditating or when I'm trying to find inspiration to draw something.

I also use it to help fall asleep sometimes when I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping over a long amount of time. Sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself and the way I describe my own character in my head, I can't imagine how absurd or odd I must come off sometimes; I think of myself as a dog that has separation anxiety and feels calmed by hearing voices on a radio or tv. Not that I'm saying I think of myself as a dog, but just as a similar fix for a dog, so I too have less anxiety from the same fix.

I've been having difficulty as I get more and more tired to keep the negative thoughts at bay, the ones that obsess over my childhood and my feelings of loneliness. My husband is at work right now, so I've asked my roommate to spend time with me until he is back home.

I just wish that my rational side could reconcile with my emotional side. I know many very real reasons that I am better off without my family, but the emotional part of me can't help but feel alone, no matter who is around.




I look around for a mother to hold me, but I've never known that and I need to come to terms with the fact that I never will know that...

 

[Taden]

I actually made a post about this on another thread, I'm just basically moving it here for journal purposes.​

...​

Like most people, I have struggled with the idea of mortality. The idea that at any conceivable second, my vision will blacken, my thoughts will dim, and I'll fade away.

People try to make rational sense and try to use logic and reasoning to take the edge from their fears. I make no judgement on those that use religious/spiritual paths to lessen these fears; they are valid, human responses to what we deeply fear and cannot fully understand. From my personal perspective however, I am an Agnostic Athiest. From that view point, I will offer what I have personally found helpful as someone who does not have a particular 'faith' or spiritual path.


The experience of consciousness that we have is a wondrous thing. Yet, 'existing' and 'existence' are certainly nothing new.

The matter and energy that your physical body is made up of, along with the evolutionary processes that have enacted upon the entropy of said matter and energy, have existed since the beginning of what we now come to call the Universe. The processes and energies that have come together in this present form of 'you' has always existed in one sense or another; you are a part of the vast, wondrous universe that is unfirling around you.​

This consciousness we all experience awoke into the universe for a brief glimmer of time and one day we all close our eyes, whisked back into the entropy of the universe.

...
“I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
Mark Twain

"Being dead will be no different from being unborn -- I shall be just as I was in the time of William the Conqueror or the dinosaurs or the trilobites.
There is nothing to fear in that."
Richard Dawkins​

 

[Taden]

I found this video on Youtube a week ago of a lecture from 1991 that Richard Dawkins did.

After watching it, it has helped calm me down during the worst of my panic attacks when I feel like I'm going to die. I'm not sure exactly how I could describe it, and I figure the reaction would differ depending on how you can take it. But, regardless, I will leave a link here in case anyone is interested. It's done almost like Bill Nye the Science Guy so it's interesting.

Link
Ep 1: Waking Up in the Universe - Growing Up in the Universe - Richard Dawkins - YouTube​

 

[Taden]

Today was a blah day.​

I managed to feel up to leaving my bedroom and spent some time with my cat's in the rest of the house. Listened to music.

I did end up dwelling and obsessing over the recent events that have left me sans-family...really don't know what to say in regards to it. It was just an unrelenting circle of thoughts and feelings. Images repeating in my head...


The thoughts that I keep landing on are just a merry-go-round of:
Love Mom; But Mom is Abusive...
Why Love Mom?

In the end, these thoughts will never make me decide to get back into contact with the people that adopted me, but it still makes my heart ache...the loneliness...

 

[Taden]

Still currently experiencing severe effects from my double depression...
​

When I become dull and lifeless like I've been for this past 1-2 weeks, there are a select few things that I do to pass the time. Not all of them healthy...perhaps, really none of them healthy, if I remain objective...


Main thing that I do is brood.
Cycling through the same thoughts, situations, or hypothetical scenarios. These thought come to me and push everything out of my ears (what it seems like). Reality blackens and I'm truly lost in thought.

With my feelings of extreme loneliness, these all-consuming reveries take me to thoughts that I don't give any pause towards when they are just fragments in my head. I guess that may be why, when they get too much to just ignore, they take up all my concentration.

They become like an ad at the beginning of a video online that you want to watch.
It plays whether you want it to or not; sometimes your only forced to watch a few seconds before you are able to skip over it, other times you are powerless to skip and forced to watch minutes of video you didn't even want to watch.

When thoughts like that happen, its vivid and feels real. The scenarios change all the time but there are categories that the main ones fall under; Both categories I feel are my subconscious' way of torturing myself over things that bother me very deeply.
I won't go into detail today, possibly another time because one of the categories requires at least a brief explanation and I'm not up to staying away from my couch of solitude for long today...just wanted to post an update...