Something From Nothing - Musings and Memories

[Taden]

Is Closure Necessary for Letting Go?​

I'm hoping that maybe people will lend me their perspective on that question.

Since it's the most recent event to obliterate my life, I still struggle to wrap my head around no longer having any contact with my adoptive 'mother'.

I miss her, I love her
I loathe her, I will never forgive her​

I need to find a way to get rid of missing and loving her. What I'm clinging to is the idea of a loving and supportive mother, neither of which is what she ever actually was. Like I've mentioned in previous posts, I feel like I'm waiting for a mother to wrap her arms around me and make me feel loved and wanted. Unfortunately these are the very things I cannot give to myself, or can receive from random people.

I need to find a way to move past it, but I'm trying to reason with my baby/toddler self, and there is no way to communicate and work around feelings that are from such an instinctual level of emotional anguish.

 

[StonerBella420]

Is Closure Necessary for Letting Go?​

I'm hoping that maybe people will lend me their perspective on that question.

Since it's the most recent event to obliterate my life, I still struggle to wrap my head around no longer having any contact with my adoptive 'mother'.

I miss her, I love her
I loathe her, I will never forgive her​

I need to find a way to get rid of missing and loving her. What I'm clinging to is the idea of a loving and supportive mother, neither of which is what she ever actually was. Like I've mentioned in previous posts, I feel like I'm waiting for a mother to wrap her arms around me and make me feel loved and wanted. Unfortunately these are the very things I cannot give to myself, or can receive from random people.

I need to find a way to move past it, but I'm trying to reason with my baby/toddler self, and there is no way to communicate and work around feelings that are from such an instinctual level of emotional anguish.

Hunny I dont think you can ever get over that fully... I mean... she was the person that was suppose to be your parent and well... no offence but she did a shitty job of parenting and I dont know really what to say other than, trying to just let the past go, I know thats hard, but its what my mom keeps tellling me too, I was actually telling my mom today how the past haunts me and how I wish the people in high school didnt get away with all the shit that they did to me... I mean I still have flash backs of my past I just never tell anyone because it makes me emotional when I even talk about it... im trying to figure out myself how you can even forget or even just let the past go after all the nasty shit done and theirs no pay back or nothing... I sometimes wonder if the saying is even true that karma will bite their asses one day... but im still unsure because it still seems were the ones hurting in the end... all I can really say is, is that when your feeling really upset and let down, maybe talk to someone about how your feeling like me or your hubby? maybe that will help? or drawing your way out of emotions and just express them through your drawings.. I mean no one has to see them, inless you feel comfortable showing them... music is obviously a big one too... idk what else to say, but I will tell you that its very complicated to get things outta your head especailly when its someone family related.

 

[Taden]

Need to get back to doing this. Need someone to talk to about all of the things that have gone on and the things currently transpiring as well...​

I'll post more informative updates as the mood strikes me. Unfortunately I don't currently have a computer or internet of my own and have been needing to resort to the library, which limits my time online. Better then nothing though, so I can't complain.

Maybe for this first post though, I'll see if anyone see's it renewed. It's been a long time since my last post so if anyone has any Q's, I can provide A's lol. Other then that, I'll likely post a full length rambling tomorrow or the day afterwards. I have a couple things that have been slowly eating away at my sanity.

 

[Taden]

Lots of mileage from the last time I made a significant contribution to my musings. Over a year...Jeez...
Quite probably more depressed then the last time I posted.
I'm actually positive that I am, to be frank.​

Because of a back injury and my worsening anxiety, I was unable to work. This caused my husband and I to have to give away a few of our cats, give the others to a cat sitter we found for a prolonged stay, get rid of the majority of our belongings, and move to Hamilton.

That is were hell is, by the way, at my in-law's house.​

Not for any outstanding reasons or actions done by the people there, but simply by the fact that we don't get along and making nice for six months is an incredibly draining experience on any party involved. Certainly stories for another time though, as they would take a while to talk about.

Because we had stayed until the bitter end in our previous apartment, when we left and had to be taken into my husband's mother's house, we had still a significant debt to pay off.

Over $2,000.​

It made it seem impossible to try and save up the necessary first and last months rent. I decided at that point to sell my computer in order to make up the money in order to get us out of the house and into a place of our own.

Both my husband and I suffer from extreme mental health issues that were certainly not aided or abated by our stay at his mother's...I saw it that it was more important to have a place of our own. I still don't regret it, our stress levels have decreased from that brief turbulent time. Though, as to be expected, there is the always present stress from living with extreme anxiety, depression, and completely disassociated from general society.

In short and as a whole, not much has changed in this past year,
except for my continued feeling of drowning in the emptiness around me...​

 

[Taden]

I've been lost in loneliness for years now I feel. My stability comes solely from my husband and our parasitic/symbiotic relationship towards one another. Sometimes I feel like we are each others shadow, thought, or delusion. ​

I've had many concussions, and in the past one and a half years, I've begun experiencing episodes of sudden blacking out, likely a heart problem. This has caused me to start having increased memory issues.

Especially as my memories fade and my thoughts slowly confuse from their past abilities to recollect, I wonder sometimes if all that is around me is just a prolonged thought, a brief passing before the next blink...into oblivion I go, into the great recycling system of energy and particles so called the Universe. Eventually becoming a part of a star, meteor, or a mere dust cloud. Perhaps some day a small number of the atoms that were once me will become part of another creature or many. A chain of thoughts and processes brought on by entropy...​

But I've distracted myself.
Lol, as you can see,
my thoughts often wonder a lot when
contemplating the thought of oblivion,
what it is to not truly exist, merely being
a shadow of an object moving through space/time.

Perhaps I do this because it gives some
solace and refuge from my loneliness as a "self",
a consciousness.
It's such an eery feeling...​

 

[Taden]

Today is a much calmer day then expected, though it could be the alcohol, weed, or the lack of sleep.
All things ultimately necessary to impair me enough to feel secure in leaving my bachelor apartment and travel down the road to the library.
The a/c makes a nice bonus incentive, but only after leaving and being in the hot sun.

My phone broke last week so it's not been very helpful to my feelings of overall loneliness to be so cut off from my mom.
With her living across Canada and my without a computer or internet at home, the phone and
texting was the only method we really had of any in depth back and forth.
Sucks...​

 

[Taden]

Certainly, the most significant change in the past year and a half for me is when I feel I was drained of what little personal strength I had left in me.


Having heard nothing from my guardian Linda for about a year, in the summer of 2014, I decided to try and be the bigger person and approach her. Despite all of the bullshit forever etched in my childhood by her and Ed, at this point there was still a sick, strong urge for familiar comfort. Even now, the fact that there is no different way to really word it sickens me. So many feelings that run to the very core of ones being lack satisfactory definition by words.

I met with her twice, both of us having friends with us, both for support, and secondly but unspoken, as witnesses perhaps. I brought my friend Bella on the first occasion, my friend Kay on the second, and my husband of course was there for support on both occasions.

Neither time seemed to make any head way.

While my friends had heard from me of many times of abuse from my childhood and teen years from both Ed and especially Linda...I suppose seeing it upfront, both in Linda's pretentious and unashamed attitude, and her callous and cool admittance to years of physical, emotional, and mental abuse...was a very eye opening experience for them into why I am always so guarded and closed off to people.

I felt nauseated when, during the first visit, Linda, in her usual pretension, played up the victim role, dramatically clinging to the persona of a mother to an overly difficult adopted child. More directed and spoken towards her friend, making it clear who she was trying to convince. I then brought up the constant over the top abuse, the fact that it had gone on as long as I could remember at that point (2-3 years of age) and that it had likely started soon after the actual adoption, days after I was born. I brought up key moments and memories of being on the floor, getting beaten by her...rage clouding her expression, like she wasn't seeing me, like all she saw was evil, a nasty little problem to pummel and smother out. The fact that I still had nightmares of that particular time along with other incidents; years of memories to draw from don't help. It's quite hard then of course to describe the feeling one gets deep inside once bringing up such raw emotional pain, to ask if she admitted to it, and for the emotion to cut out of her face, replaced by a cold steely glare as she replies, "Yes."

For the immediate and obvious plain fact, to her, it doesn't mean a damn thing.


Which brings me then to the final blow.
The final blow that brought me down...


Before this occurred, I still felt it was worth trying to salvage some form of relationship with Linda, as sick of an idea as it was.


Mid September of 2014, I received a text from Linda's friend, "Your Mom wanted me to let you know your grandfather has just passed away." I texted back that Linda wasn't my mother but thanked her for letting me know about my grandfather.

My grandfather had always been the male figure I looked up to most when I was growing up. Even when he and my grandmother became born again Christians, he always remained his usual quiet self and never preached to me or professed, like my grandmother and many others in the extended family, that I brought demons wherever I went. I'll never know for certain of course, whether or not he believed that I was hell bound from his perspective, but frankly it was kindness enough that regardless of what his opinion was, he kept it to himself.

Knowing how ostracized I was from the entire family over mental health, religious differences, and simply the fact for some that I was adopted, all together made me understand that the best thing for both myself and the rest of the family would be to make no attempts to go to the funeral. As someone who tends to think up ways that "the worst" could happen in the attempts to possibly avoid such situations, I had the idea of showing up and being glared at and being made to feel unwelcome.


Ha!
How wrong I was, thinking of that being the worst case scenario...

Trying to find some outlet for grief, I posted on my Facebook a status briefly mentioning the passing of my grandfather and that I hoped to visit his grave when I eventually could as it was hours away in another town.

In order to ascertain the information as to where he was to be buried, I sent a brief and succinct text to Linda inquiring the information, she replied and I left it with a thank you and a poignant goodbye.

A few hours later, I checked my Facebook and found that Linda's friend had taken the liberty to insinuate herself into the matter in frankly one of the rudest ways I would have never imagined if I had not experienced it as a possibility in social etiquette. She claimed that I was selfish for expressing an interest in going to the funeral when I was being so rude to Linda for things done in the past, that I was encroaching on Linda's right to solace and to grieve her father's death in peace,and that if I was thinking of showing up at the funeral to not because I was not welcome there.

A mixture of sad, hollow anger filled me; I replied with razor words, meaning to slice through the absolute cruelty and lack of compassion with the truth that this outsider was claiming some impossible perception of.

I wasn't selfish for wanting an apology for the years of abuse. I never had any intention or even a feasible way to get to the funeral, let alone the volumes that this also spoke to me about how little anyone had cared to know me, since it had always been common knowledge that I couldn't handle big family events and that I never went out of my way ever to be at them. And as for leaving Linda alone, she was at this point, after sending some stranger to banish me from my grandfather's funeral on her behalf, as far as I am concerned, she's dead to me.

My spirit has felt shattered ever since.
You hear and know that it can happen, but it's like a ****ing ninja.
You don't really even recognize it until it's completely over and you slump to the ground in defeat.
Completely disowned, by everyone.

What is family? I always desperately wanted to know;
wanted to find out...
Now, who really gives a ****?

What is family?
What is life?
It's a fight to the death, and we're all born to lose.

---

What is left?

After it all...what is left?

...perhaps...
A will of fire.
Something that seems so tiny sometimes it's hard to even say if it's been put out.
But it burns for justice.
For the strength I need to crawl forward when everything is dragging me down.
I just wish that it produced a more constant level of passionate vigor instead of erratic bursts every now and again.​

 

[Taden]

I think I would like to share some music for now.
I couldn't come up with much to post, so as I'm typing out what I did manage to think of, this music is amazing...
So for those of you that like music, I hope you enjoy...
​

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cNv1bbx9Dw

 

[Taden]

One of the few good things that has happened in the past year was my decision to return to watching anime.

I've always been an otaku. Anime, along with other tv programs I've related to, have always felt more like a family to me. I tend to get extremely involved and interested in the individual characters and will often imagine myself talking with certain characters I feel would relate to my issues. Perhaps in an attempt at self comfort and a sense of understanding, despite it being based in a fiction.

This isn't to say that it drifts into the point of delusion, quite often it's just rooted in a vivid day dream; those moments where I can appear outwardly to be distant and set apart from my surroundings. (You've reached Taden, please leave a message at the tone... *booop*)

Getting lost in my thoughts has increasingly been a vice as I grew up. At first it started off as a safe refuge from all of the screaming and tension that was unavoidably present growing up under the parentage of those...people. Now, I only really mind that others might see it as odd. In my opinion at this point, a vice like this one is one of the few good consistencies in my life.

So, I returned to anime.
And I couldn't have imagined the wonderful feeling of coming home. The best thing about anime is that as preposterous as the damage I've been through feels, anime characters will tend to have similarly preposterous backgrounds that adversely affected them. Things that by the end of their ordeal, they've found the strength to endure or persevere.

I so want that one day. To be able to find that kind of strength inside myself.