Social Anxiety Rant

[loner_forever]

I am so sick of this. I have been living with social phobia for as long as I can remember. I was a mute (literally) in school growing up, and I was raised to think I was weird by my family. I am angry at my family for fucking me up. I am angry at myself for not being able to change what has been done to me.

When a friend tried to call me on the phone in elementary school, I was laughed at for having him call the house. When a kid invited me to his house, I was ridiculed. Why? I have no fucking idea. I was programmed to feel strange if someone tried to befriend me.

I can't talk to my cousins, uncles, co-workers, etc. without feeling like a socially retarded moron. I don't have any friends and never had any in my life. Today, when people try to be nice and include me in social get togethers, I laugh and say no thanks, as if I don't want to go. But inside I am dying to have some sort of friendship. If I accept, I will end up an anxiety-ridden freak and have a miserable time, all the while having those who invited me regret their decision.

Anxiety and self-consciousness fucks up your thought-process. Your brain can't use its natural abilities when its soaked in anxiety. False beliefs are haunting me... and my worst fear is never getting over this. Will I actually go to the grave having never made a single friend? Will I die without ever having a relationship with a girl? Is my life REALLY doomed with this disease forever...? I HATE the way my parents/family raised me.

I feel like I will never fit in to social groups. The progress I have made so far in my life seems to be so trivial that its not even worth talking about. People laugh behind my back because they don't understand my strange behavior. I am erratic - one minute I'm saying stupid shit, the next I am dead silent like a fucking zombie. This is truly misery at its worst.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel normal when I'm away from other people... but I feel like a fucking outsider and oddball when I am around people who know how to relax in social situations. I feel like a fucking idiot around others and they can sense it.

The thought that I could live with this hell for the rest of my life is frightening. I don't think hell can be any more brutal than what I have felt from this shit all my life.

I need a magic pill or something. I've tried all sorts of medication from benzos to ssri's to other unorthodox ones. It doesn't help because it can't change the core beliefs that I have about myself: that I am not worthy to be liked - that I don't have any right to be a normal human being. Fuck this. Life sucks.

 

[dottie]

I feel normal when I'm away from other people... but I feel like a fucking outsider and oddball when I am around people who know how to relax in social situations. I feel like a fucking idiot around others and they can sense it.

that's how i feel, too. i cherish my alone time when i can feel normal and relaxed. it is time when i do not have to struggle to carry some socially acceptable facade.

It doesn't help because it change the core beliefs that I have about myself: that I am not worthy to be liked - that I don't have any right to be a normal human being.

it sucks that we can't just reprogram ourselves, but do keep in mind that you ARE normal being that social anxiety is so prevelant. it's rarely openly addressed, but it is prevalent and normal.

 

[EvilFlyingCow]

When a friend tried to call me on the phone in elementary school, I was laughed at for having him call the house. When a kid invited me to his house, I was ridiculed. Why? I have no fucking idea. I was programmed to feel strange if someone tried to befriend me.

I can relate to this. I was raised in a religion where I was not allowed to associate with anyone besides other people that were members of my family's religion. However, the only other children in my local congregation were at least 3 to 5 years younger than me. So if anyone at school wanted to be my friend, this was strictly off limits.

It sounds to me like your situation was caused by your environment, rather then a genetically inherited trait. It is important to know where your social anxiety came from in order to defeat it. As it turns out, those with environmentally caused social anxiety have a much better chance at overcoming their problems than people who have inherited it.

So WHY did your family laugh at you when a potential friend from school tried to call you? WHY were you programmed to feel strange when someone befriended you? You need to dig deeper into this issue.

 

[NatRad]

raised as a mute, i can relate to that, i haven’t helped anybody in here my self yet, but ill give it ago.

many moons ago, during high school, i had a slight speech impediment, talked fast, mostly due to ADHD. combined with a junior high pitched voice from adenoids so big i couldn’t breath through my nose. I was embarrassed by the way i sounded. so i stopped, i stopped talking virtually all together, for many years i didnt say a word. It only got worse. By not speaking i developed a a speech impediment fast. But after a few issues, i decided to change this, i sort out speech therapy. i was forced to speak, with my voice being constantly recorded, constantly making a conscious effort with every word i spoke, to draw out the words. I had something called rapid speech with cluttering, were i would cut most of the word out before it was said. the brain knew what it wanted, but it didn’t come out.

after years of speech therapy, which, my speech therapist, said I was twice as old as anybody else she has help. helped me considerably in my life. Only 3% of our communication is made up of words. but when you can communicate, you become more confident in anything you do.

I hope this helps you a little bit, I cant help you with your other problems, but i find if you tackle the start of every problem, it can effect your whole life.

Its been 10 years since, I’ve stopped speech therapy, but I don’t think my career would have been like this, if I hadn’t, the things I do with my vocal communication now, you would be amazed. Every time I talk, I have to know what I’m going to say, before I open my mouth, still making an effort to control speed, and clarity.

Good luck, when people hear you talk properly, it will change your life.

 

[Helyna]

So you have a ton of Social Anxiety Disorder. Just like so many other people here. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Magic pills don't exist. I wish they did, but our brains don't work like that. You need to be retrained. All the research I've done has added up to: cognative behavior therapy is the only way to go. Never tried it myself (I only have very mild SAD), but it sounds sensible, and everyone says it works. I'd try that if possible. I think you can do it with or without a therapist, but a good therapist would probably be better. If you're shy of that, believe me, you are not going to be the most messed-up or weird-behaving person he/she sees. Whether you like this idea or not, as you said, you cannot live with this hell for the rest of your life.

I'm really curious what's wrong with your parents. Could it be that they don't have any friends, either?

 

[Johno]

Helyna talks the truth....

Listen to Helyna, he makes sense.