So lonely I can't stand it!

[starlite17]

I don't know if this is the right forum for my issues. I am married to a wonderful man and I have beautiful children. I have what a lot of people dream of except I am so lonely. I am not lonely with my husband though.

I don't have any friends. Not a single one! My whole life I have a had a friend here and there, but when something or someone better comes along I am forgotten about. I haven't had a friend in 3 years. I just want someone to talk to and hang out with. I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own home. I feel terrible that my babies don't have children their own age to play with. It's extremely embarrassing knowing that not one person on this planet wants to be my friend. I have tried to meet new people, but I get so anxious and shy that I freeze and can't bring myself to approach anyone. Even if someone were to come up to me and start a conversation I get so nervous that I literally can not find any words to say.

My husband is the best man I have ever known and he is my best friend, but I still long to have a girlfriend. Someone to talk to or hang out with. I find myself getting jealous of other people who are obviously out and about with their friends having a wonderful time. Other than my husband calling, my phone has not rang in 3 years. I don't get emails, text messages, birthday or christmas cards. I am just lonely!

Hope this all makes sense. Thanks!

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Ah... well, if you are religious at all, you should take a look at joining a community church. Plenty of children there- youth groups- other lonely adults; you could meet lots of people and have a good time at community events.

Another thing you could do is volunteer.
I suggest this to everyone.
Even your children could volunteer-- you could visit old age/retirement homes and bring a smile to some people's faces.
You could volunteer at a local soup kitchen or food bank and just work for a few hours a week and meet people who you otherwise wouldn't have met.

One thing that helps with loneliness is to be appreciated openly- and the best way to feel that is to volunteer. You will feel helpful, accepted and you will have helped some people who couldn't otherwise help themselves.

If there is a community center or YMCA near where you live, you could join some free clubs with your children and get out in the community a bit- meeting people and doing team sports/activities with other families.
Just don't stay 'trapped in your home' or that mentality will stay with you and resentment will begin to build up.

Also- you may want to think about seeing a therapist to just talk and get more suggestions and therapy to help lessen your every day stresses.

Being social is hard but holding off and staying in your house will never help you. Your only choice is to try and get out more and get some practice.

 

[starlite17]

I should add that I feel like a prisoner because I have 2 very small children and I am a stay at home mom, so getting out of the house a lot can sometimes be more work than it's worth. I guess I am looking for more adult interaction. I would love to volunteer, but the anxiety I feel keeps me from doing so.

What I really want is to have my old friend back! She meant so much to me, but someone better came along and she didn't need me anymore. I tried for 2 years to spend time with her and really tried to make and effort to remain friends. When the return emails and phone calls stopped I gave up trying.

 

[kilojoule]

What I really want is to have my old friend back! She meant so much to me, but someone better came along and she didn't need me anymore. I tried for 2 years to spend time with her and really tried to make and effort to remain friends. When the return emails and phone calls stopped I gave up trying.

That is not a friend. I'm sorry. A friend would not dump your friendship because she made a new friend. People can have more than one friend. No no don't pursue that friendship.

I understand the anxiety of going out to meet people.

Now here's my plan. You target your husband's group. Somebody like that could really understand a little better than a total stranger. Maybe you could talk to the hubby and ask him to invite one of his friends to dinner and he should bring his g/f or wife (haha maybe don't explain your motive hahaha just say 'wouldn't it be nice to invite such and such to dinner, oh he should bring his wife we could double date) That way your first comeback onto the social scene will be within your own home which will feel much safer and leave you completely in control. It is very hard letter your guard down sometimes and it's so important to take baby steps so as not overwhelm and make you retreat back into shell.


J

 

[kc1980]

Being male and not having any children yet my advice might not be very well-founded:: For the moment I also hardly have any friends. In the past I used to be in a chessclub and had some friends there (although not very close) but due to circumstances I stopped going there. For the rest I had a few people I used to correspond with, but they usually also stopped returning their messages regularly, so I don't have too much hope in these people anymore.

I think it's great that you have a good husband who you get along with, and that you have two nice children. Many people who otherwise are very socially active are actually quite unhappy because they are unlucky in love or in a bad relationship.
It sounds like shyness or social anxiety has a lot to do with the fact that you don't have any friends for the moment. This is probably typical for many people here on the forum, whether they are single or in a relationship, or with children or without. So one thing you could do would be to do something about social anxiety; Of course I don't know if that would be possible, maybe you could try to talk about it with your doctor.
For the rest the advice given by the previous poster is possibly the best, try to look for any kind of activity which would be of interest to you (some kind of club or event for example), that can often be a way to meet new people who are a bit like-minded. Of course it might be difficult with the children, but then you could consider getting a baby-sitter once in a while. Could you do some of these things together with your husband, or is he not interested in that?

 

[kilojoule]

Other ideas I have just thought of:

Step by step I have devised a plan for you to make new friends.

step 1 First the dinner date

step 2 Then there'll be the ineviteable return invitation (don't panic hubby will be by your side and if you freak out last min, you can say one of the kids has a fever but try do it because a)you'll already know the people at this stage b) hubby is with you and c) you can text your sitter if you freak out and ask her to call you and then you can say to your hosts one of the kids wont sleep cause you're not there and they're not used to being away from you. Then you apologise and exit. Hopefully this panic won't happen because you'll already know exactly what to do to exit you'll have a plan in place so you'll feel more relaxed. The plan will afford you some calm.


step 3 you allow yourself a pat on the back and then you go back to step 1 target somebody else to come to your home for dinner ( you don't want to take on too much too soon and this will allow you to become more comfortable with having people over to your home) maybe someone from hubbys work this time. And thats totally normal people do that all the time invite colleagues and their spouses for dinner and they'll probably be the nervous ones in awe of your domestic bliss.



step 4 repeat step 2 with the ineviteable return invitation.


Now you may not get along with any of these women maybe you will but you can repeat these steps as often as required, they'll be beating down the door.

Now
Now heres the gem: they'll probably have kids. So then you can invite them over for a playdate in the house and you can have coffee with mum while the kids play together. If they want to meet up somewhere else you can say that yours are a bit of a handful at the moment so be better to stay home or you won't be able to enjoy your coffee for chasing them all over the place (which wouldn't be a lie I have a godson and have been on the outings for coffee with his mother and I stop/start a sentance every 2 seconds because monkey is trying to take his clothes off or got pushed off the slide by a bold boy or is trying to climb into a bin or is about to eat a worm or something ) anyhow you can have a playdate in your house


then
you guessed it therell be the return invitation



Now if any of this doesn't work for you for some reason, message me and I'll come up with something else. First step is knowing that you want to make some friends. Having kids is a great way to meet new people.


Also if you don't already, you should set up a facebook page and search all the people you used to know, old school friends etc theyre all on fb and this is a great way to get back in touch with people.

message me if I can help

J

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I suggest you search online for any 'mommy and me' groups in your area because you may be able to join a group of moms and their children to talk about being mothers, life in general and make new friends.

As for your old friends, you have the internet to reconnect with people as well.
You could try joining facebook-- you may have luck finding highschool/college friends there.
You could try planning a get-together with people you haven't seen in years to try and reconnect and have people to talk to.

Being a mom is hard.
My mom doesn't really have any friends other than people she meets at her workplace.
She said that by the time I was 3, she had to stop hanging out with most of her friends because they weren't suited to her lifestyle anymore. They were partiers and she was a mom of 2 and had to choose to be responsible instead.
(nowadays we have the internet, though-- so it's a bit easier to find people and make connections)

It may just be that you have to be lonely for now unless you expand your network of friends- your children are your life- your husband is your life and that is all there is to it until your children are old enough to go to school or look after themselves; then you can work/join clubs and get out more.
I really suggest finding groups for parents, though.
Making new friends and expanding your pool of contacts rather than depending on people from your past.
At this point, I think it would be good for you to do so; find people in your area who have a common interest whom you can see every day.

 

[Waybuloo]

I am in a similar situation. I have no friends whatsoever that I meet or talk to on the phone. My few friends are in another country and I haven't seen them in many years. I have no family in this country I have a toddler and a partner, and we don't have any mummy baby friends either. I get very frustrated sometimes from loneliness and lack of social stimulation. I sometimes end up watching a film (film subscription) or read a good book. Those usually solve my problem in time for me to cook or clean or do the shop.

Are you in the UK? I would love to talk if you don't mind.

I can't really make any parent group friends cause I dont' want to talk about baby stuff all the time (that's what I hear all other parents talk about). Obviously I don't have much free time to myself so hobby groups aren't the answer YET. I would love to join movie clubs or rock climbing clubs or something like that in the near future when little one goes to school, and get a part time job as well. Expanding my social exposure will hopefully land some friendlies..

I understand it's difficult for you to make the first step, to cross the threshold into conversations and even introductions. To tell you to just get out there and volunteer etc I would think is a bit futile. Me, I bring my little one to the park almost daily and just see her play with other kids. I always feel anxious when there are other parents on the park, and it never gets easier. She is very social and energetic and often attracts peoples attention, so I let her make her own social interractions there. The parents around my neighbourhood seem nice from what i've seen and heard, maybe will strike up some conversation one day, though I can't think of what I could possibly say. I would always go for hobby and interest groups for more chance of meeting like minded people. But like I said that's for the future.

I think from looking at parent forums, there are some people who are dead lonely and disconnected from the world due to friends moving on or change of lifestyle etc, so maybe look for people similar to you. As for being nervous, I've always found writing emails and messages to be much easier so you can suss out a person that way before deciding whether she will be tolerant of shy people and hence meeting face to face for a play date.

 

[starlite17]

Are you in the UK? I would love to talk if you don't mind.

I can't really make any parent group friends cause I dont' want to talk about baby stuff all the time (that's what I hear all other parents talk about). Obviously I don't have much free time to myself so hobby groups aren't the answer YET. I would love to join movie clubs or rock climbing clubs or something like that in the near future when little one goes to school, and get a part time job as well. Expanding my social exposure will hopefully land some friendlies..

I understand it's difficult for you to make the first step, to cross the threshold into conversations and even introductions. To tell you to just get out there and volunteer etc I would think is a bit futile. Me, I bring my little one to the park almost daily and just see her play with other kids. I always feel anxious when there are other parents on the park, and it never gets easier. She is very social and energetic and often attracts peoples attention, so I let her make her own social interractions there. The parents around my neighbourhood seem nice from what i've seen and heard, maybe will strike up some conversation one day, though I can't think of what I could possibly say. I would always go for hobby and interest groups for more chance of meeting like minded people. But like I said that's for the future.

I think from looking at parent forums, there are some people who are dead lonely and disconnected from the world due to friends moving on or change of lifestyle etc, so maybe look for people similar to you. As for being nervous, I've always found writing emails and messages to be much easier so you can suss out a person that way before deciding whether she will be tolerant of shy people and hence meeting face to face for a play date.

I am in the States I wish you lived closer because it looks like we are in the same boat!

I agree with you about the mommy and me groups. I also don't want to talk about baby stuff all the time. Sometimes I just want a break and to be kid free for a few hours. That is when I miss having girlfriends the most. I would love, love, love a girls night out!

 

[Waybuloo]

I am in the States I wish you lived closer because it looks like we are in the same boat!

I agree with you about the mommy and me groups. I also don't want to talk about baby stuff all the time. Sometimes I just want a break and to be kid free for a few hours. That is when I miss having girlfriends the most. I would love, love, love a girls night out!

I too want some free time to myself. I guess that is one thing most parents have in common. I find that I am happiest with a few close girlfriends rather than a wider circle of acquaintances and 'going out' friends. I think one or two is enough for me !

Also you saying that no one in the world would want to make friends with you is pretty harsh on yourself. I think being shy and nervous stops people deciding whether they want to befriend you or not, if that makes sense.

 

[JamesSmith]

If you had no friends before your husband, how did you get your husband?

The reason I ask is because finding a significant other that you love usually requires a long string of personal relationships with both sexes before you can open yourself up to love, whether you are shy or not.