so am I truly AvPD?

[Gracesbigsis]

I discovered this online and all the symptoms fit me almost perfectly. Of course, not all of them did but I've always been sure I was different. You see, I cannot talk to people I don't know unless I have to. I often just sit in the corner at parties, even when I'm with friends, because I'm so overwhelmed and I just can't understand what they're talking about. My worst problem is trust issues, though. I am 100% convinced that no one talks to me because they want to. I think that they're only being nice. I also think that they're annoyed with me. So I don't talk to people. I also hate being in a conversation with 2 or more people because I can't find the time to jump in and say anything and then I interrupt when I try and I always let the person who spoke at the same time as me to say what they were going to say. Also, I never raise my hand in class. I can't talk in front of people because I'm terrified that they'll think I'm stupid. I'm an actress but I have to have everything scripted for me or I can't speak. I also convince myself that the friends I have really don't like me. No matter what they say, I remain convinced. I used to be really depressed and I almost committed suicide. I would beg my parents to tell me that I had a disability because I knew that I was different from other people. Finally I had enough and looked up my symptoms and found AvPD. I couldn't believe that it was an actual disorder! I'm both relieved and a bit angry at the stupid little kids in my classes who laughed at me, beat me, teased me, treated me like dirt. And for what? Not being good at PE? Not caring about sports? It is them that gave me these issues. As a kid, I thought that I deserved to be treated horribly. Rejection became daily and every friendship I made was torn away from me. The world has left me with no one to trust anymore and I do have friends, don't get me wrong, but I really want to be loved and adored. I want to know that someone is crazy about me. I know God is and I love Him for that but all I want is one human who can assure me that I really am worth it. Oh, and one more symptom. I HATE TOUCHING PEOPLE!! I don't put my arms around anyone and when someone hugs me, I'm thinking "getoffleavemealonedonttouchme!!" and I hate that because I want to feel the love, not the touch, of the hugs. I'm an actress and whenever I have to act like I'm in love with someone, I'm really uncomfortable to even put my arm on his shoulder. My body screams that I have to take my hand off. I also hate making eye contact. I feel intimidated when someone looks at me when I'm talking so I look away. I hate these problems!

So do I have AvPD or am I just really shy?

 

[Gracesbigsis]

I really would like to know... and no one has said anything in a week...

 

[TheNewZero]

Well, I don't know you so I can't tell you for sure. For me, I've always had really bad social anxiety and stumbled upon APD one day and it was me to a T. Everything fit. Don't try to label yourself with a disorder. If it helps you, fine but honestly sometimes it can do more harm than good. It feels nice to understand yourself, and to feel that there's a reason why you're not normal, but well, for me at least, it became something that I hid behind. Symptoms of APD and SAD overlap a lot. Not wanting people to touch your or not looking at people is as much SAD as it is APD. But go see a psychologist if you're looking for answers. Good luck.

 

[gale]

Im just wondering how did you became an actress if you have this issue?well, just wondering.

 

[2Crowded]

Doctor called mine avoidence disorder....is that same thing as avpd?.....not sure..probly..always wundered...think my avoidence is a result of my SA to begin with.....but sounds like you might have SA & possibly avoidence issue's but im no doc....im going to guess your acting has been limited because of this...am I right?

Think avoidence usualy comes from having sa for long period of time (though iv heard you dont always have both together..but its common ).....you just have learned to avoid all the situations that caused you the soicial anxiety is my thinking.

 

[gale]

I'm just wondering because i myself is suffering from this thing and i just cant' imagine myself performing infront of other people.Maybe you can tell me how did you go about it,performing infront of other people.Maybe i can get some ideas from you.

 

[Gracesbigsis]

I'm just wondering because i myself is suffering from this thing and i just cant' imagine myself performing infront of other people.Maybe you can tell me how did you go about it,performing infront of other people.Maybe i can get some ideas from you.

I ALWAYS have been a performer, as a matter of fact, I can't imagine myself not being a performer. It's in my nature. Though yes, my acting is quite affected by this disorder. I'm scared of performing in front of a small group of people. As long as I can't see people's faces, I'm fine.

 

[bleach]

What you have to realize about personality 'disorders' is that they are entirely fabricated by an industry with an obsession for diagnosis. They are personality traits turned into clinical definitions. There is no significant difference between calling someone Avoidant and calling them a coward.

What this means is that all of these personality disorders are very subjective. It is more like making a judgment than diagnosing an illness--it is not like schizophrenia for instance, where you have a definite problem in your brain. If you think you have AvPD, than you may as well say you have it, because your opinion is as valid as anyone else's.

 

[MadCat]

In defense of the whole "personality disorders", there are certain individuals that makes it easier to label for defensive reasons. For example, BPD and NCD both hold a certain amount of key "traits", if you will.

If we didn't have labels for Cluster B personality disorders, there'd be a really difficult way for people to come together that have been abused by such Cluster B's. The truth is all Cluster B's WILL abuse people when they get into any serious relationships in one form of another, and without those labels people would be going "Um, so my wife does this and that...uh...any support groups for abusive wifes against their husbands?". But alas, there are support groups for Cluster B victims, which is pretty much people that are abused by those Clusterf**ks (pun intended).

Bleach, no offense directed at you but do you have a Personality Disorder? If you do, you'd know there are a set of definitive features in the personality that set it apart from others. While the subjective reality route can be played, like you're doing, you have to remember that these labels, however much they suck, help to separate certain people from others. Yes it is a form of alienating people, and while I don't consider them a disorder, I do consider the PD diagnosis and criteria to be very important for identifying certain dangerous individuals.

The same excuse could be given for those with agoraphobia, or those with fear of germs. They all have key features. A PD is a PD, label wise, and it has its purpose. For example, people on here have "social phobia" or "social anxiety", I have "AvPD". While I can connect, at the end of the day the huge difference is in monitoring and analysis, as well as the inability to sustain relationships due to great fears. If SP is based on fears of social performance, the key feature, that is, then AvPD is based on fears of ALL performance interpersonally and in all social situations. Even with family and friends, in which includes pretty much every human beings. Fear of trust, if you will. And why is this? Because we get hurt when we trust people! And when we don't trust people, we hurt ourselves. This is what seperates AvPD from Social Phobia. We will destroy our lives to be alone, even though it hurts, when in reality all we truly wish is to be close to someone. We can't, because we're scared of trusting someone, because we're going to get hurt deeply. Then we push them away, then we get hurt for doing that, and we hurt other people, and the vicious cycle repeats.

 

[bleach]

MadCat,
I didn't say that the definitions are always worthless. I was merely pointing out that they were very subjectively created, and wondering if you are a 'true' AvPD is not really a useful question to ask. Whether it is a proper disorder or not, if you fall within the guidelines then you should probably seek treatment for it, just don't look for some kind of absolute certainty that you are AvPD positive because you will never find it.
The book 'Girl, Interrupted' was autobiography of a woman who was diagnosed with BPD, and she has at least one chapter in there talking about how vague and subjective the disorder is. Even after years of treatment she was never totally convinced or certain that she had BPD, or if it was a disorder at all and not simply her personality. you could write the same thing about any other personality disorder.

 

[Pariah]

I was recently diagnosed AvPD. I have some aspects of it very strongly, some a little and others not much at all. For instance I am able to speak in public, in front of either strangers or co-workers without a problem, I've gotten better at it over the years, but never had serious issues with it to begin with, probably because I don't find it intimate at all. However I can't seem to make friends with anyone. I see people around me doing it, but I always seem to be on the outside looking in. When I try to imitate what others do, I've apparently botched it remarkably, or to be kinder to myself, perhaps just been barking up an inordinate number of wrong trees.

Generally, people see me as aloof, detached or not open to friendship, even when I believe I am trying. I've also tried too hard in the past, attempting to put into action social skills I 'learned' out of books without outside guidance, which has led to some spectacularly painful and embarrassing rejections. I haven't been able to form any new intimate friendships, save one 'phone-pal', in the last decade or so. I socialize mostly online. I would rather type to people than talk, in almost all cases. I feel like I have more time to think before I 'speak' via text and usually read a few times before hitting send. I am married, have been for a long time, to someone I met online who is similar to me.

I've known I've had issues since I was a child. I always thought of myself as just weird, but it's nice now to be able to put another name to it, one that's actually a bit helpful, because there's some treatment for AvPD, and insurance doesn't cover just being weird. Nevertheless, even without knowing what my problem was, I've been able to work on some of the issues myself.

One of those things was something you mentioned, touch. Whether or not it is a part of AvPD, I was extremely averse to being touched and touching others. The way I desensitized myself was by taking martial arts classes. I was able to tolerate it because it was structured and would be demonstrated, I knew what to expect, and because there was no social component to the touching, there was a clear 'right' way to do it which I could learn, but was not expected to know without being taught, and I was -supposed- to be making the other person uncomfortable. It didn't elicit the same sort of reactions as being bumped or crowded, either, which I once found intolerable (still prefer to be out of crowds). Gradually, I got over the issue and now would consider myself about the same as anyone else with respect to touch, except I have trouble applying it correctly in social situations. I do not touch others unless I'm positive it's acceptable and they will be OK with it, but people touching me is usually fine.

I also learned something useful and still attend classes, I actually find the touch and minor social interaction of it pleasant, I just wish I could make some friends there and elsewhere. I also had a teacher early in my foray into martial arts who did not yell at me. I don't think I would have been able to tolerate it had there been yelling, and I still avoid and dislike instructors who use yelling as part of their teaching.

With something like touch, I can force myself to do something I dislike and desensitize myself to it over the years. I've been at a loss as how to 'force' myself to have friendship/normal socialization, which is why I'm in therapy now, and hence the recent diagnosis for what has been a lifetime problem.

Whether or not you are AvPD, I couldn't tell you, but some of the same tactics used for Avoidants may help, and a rose by any other name...