Gracesbigsis
Member
I discovered this online and all the symptoms fit me almost perfectly. Of course, not all of them did but I've always been sure I was different. You see, I cannot talk to people I don't know unless I have to. I often just sit in the corner at parties, even when I'm with friends, because I'm so overwhelmed and I just can't understand what they're talking about. My worst problem is trust issues, though. I am 100% convinced that no one talks to me because they want to. I think that they're only being nice. I also think that they're annoyed with me. So I don't talk to people. I also hate being in a conversation with 2 or more people because I can't find the time to jump in and say anything and then I interrupt when I try and I always let the person who spoke at the same time as me to say what they were going to say. Also, I never raise my hand in class. I can't talk in front of people because I'm terrified that they'll think I'm stupid. I'm an actress but I have to have everything scripted for me or I can't speak. I also convince myself that the friends I have really don't like me. No matter what they say, I remain convinced. I used to be really depressed and I almost committed suicide. I would beg my parents to tell me that I had a disability because I knew that I was different from other people. Finally I had enough and looked up my symptoms and found AvPD. I couldn't believe that it was an actual disorder! I'm both relieved and a bit angry at the stupid little kids in my classes who laughed at me, beat me, teased me, treated me like dirt. And for what? Not being good at PE? Not caring about sports? It is them that gave me these issues. As a kid, I thought that I deserved to be treated horribly. Rejection became daily and every friendship I made was torn away from me. The world has left me with no one to trust anymore and I do have friends, don't get me wrong, but I really want to be loved and adored. I want to know that someone is crazy about me. I know God is and I love Him for that but all I want is one human who can assure me that I really am worth it. Oh, and one more symptom. I HATE TOUCHING PEOPLE!! I don't put my arms around anyone and when someone hugs me, I'm thinking "getoffleavemealonedonttouchme!!" and I hate that because I want to feel the love, not the touch, of the hugs. I'm an actress and whenever I have to act like I'm in love with someone, I'm really uncomfortable to even put my arm on his shoulder. My body screams that I have to take my hand off. I also hate making eye contact. I feel intimidated when someone looks at me when I'm talking so I look away. I hate these problems!
So do I have AvPD or am I just really shy?
So do I have AvPD or am I just really shy?