Simple Question

[itay]

I've read here and there, that having friends and maybe a girlfriend/boyfriend aren't enough to acquire self-esteem for people like us (me) that suffer from social phobia, what do you think about this?
Personally i think that it doesen't really make sense to live a life without friends, a girlfriend, being always alone, never go out on weekends, never going on holiday or going everywhere alone and so on, basically how do you pretend to have a happy life like this?
I was thinking that basically i'm miserable about my phobia and thinking it all depends on that when maybe it would be much basic to consider that my failures in life and especially the fear of people it's all caused by lack of self-esteem in turn caused by the unhappiness i face in life. If i could have first friends and then maybe a girlfriend, maybe i'd feel happy and in turn boost my self-esteem and then overcome my fear of people, what do you think about this and for those who already have friends and even a girlfriend\boyfriend, does that help?

 

[Krista]

I don't think that's right. Having friends and a girlfriend will certainly help make things easier because you'll have someone who understands you but it certainly won't make all your problems go away. You'll still have SA and it could just as well not help anything. It's all on how you handle it yourself. If getting a girlfriend and friends curbs your anxiety a bit it very well might make it easier to get over but that's not always the case for some people.

 

[Emily_G]

If one really wants to improve their self-esteem long term, that comes from within. But having friends and an SO can definitly help.

 

[Nack]

Don't think that having friends will solve the issue also. I mean some people are jerks that takes advantage of your insecurity. I've been there... So your priority is YOU. You need to improve yourself first before you can get any of those? How you may ask? I do not know. But what i do know is that "feeling" of wanting companions, you should control it so that it doesn't come off as needy. Friendships should come naturally :\ Don't force yourself or else you might end up with a55holes.

 

[itay]

I mean some people are jerks that takes advantage of your insecurity

it's so damn true, this is really bad because i this situation we lose hope
but i think anyways that having friends should help, i'm aware it would not overcome my SA, but if should help with the basics, then it's up to me to really come out of it.
Really if there are jerks, and unfortunately there are a lot out here, we must have the guts to spot them and react as well, only because were've got sa doesen't mean that people have the right to do what they won't with us

 

[reslo]

i think that the question isn't so simple. especially because we have people that could be are friends all around us, which includes the internet, but with sa it makes it hard to get close to people even if you see them everyday. i think nack had some good advice. you gotta work on yourself first... i do think that reaching out to others can help you help yourself, but they can't do the work for you and won't make everything go away.
i think some things we have to accept- like we may not be able to do everything we want but we should work within our limitations... and try to do the best with what we've got... it's something i've been slowly trying to realize. and if you look at everything you don't have, there will be always something missing. gotta realize what you do have. To be honest, not every adult has friends. It's true. My parents don't. I think my grandma has 2 friends? . My aunt didn't get married until her 40's. A lot of adults don't really have friends... in school popularity always seems more important, so we grow thinking we have to be friends with a lot of people or there's something wrong with us. But in the real world, working/paying bills are the priority, not socializing. I have a boyfriend now....(before that, I was single for 6 years) he doesn't really socialize with anyone besides me and his co-worker. My self-esteem has always been in the toilet- regardless of whether im employed/have a significant other/around ppl or not. it's a matter of perspective, self-esteem is supposed to come from the inside, not from the external (or so i've heard).
Life can be lonely, doesn't mean it can't be meaningful.