LeDiskoLove99
Well-known member
So I had a panic attack at work the other night, I walked in, everything was normal and I was even kind of happy to be going back to work, however I learned that quite a few things had changed. We got a bunch of new people, my usual manager wasn't there he's the one who really guides me and helps me get through all of the processes, the other assistant manager is super nice, I like him but he is more of a let them go about doing their own thing, where the one is more structured and I need that structure. Besides the new people and my manager not being there I found out due to the holiday season that we were officially going to be open until midnight every night. When I would go into work (my shift was from 10pm to 6am) people had already left and it was just me and my coworkers in the store. But this means that not only are we going to be open until 12 and I'll be surrounded by customers, but also when it gets closer to Christmas and black Friday (every retail workers worst fear come true) we're going to have to hire 40 to 30 workers.
Let me break this down for you, constant change, lots of pressure, and being surrounded by a lot of people, this does not make for a happy me. I mean I'm still not the fastest at my job, it takes me a long time to learn and get accustomed to stuff, so when that pressure starts I'm not going to be prepared. It's scary.
Well before I figured all of that out I had made the mistake of looking at my schedule, they had me schedules for six days that week, Friday and Saturday and then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Thats four days back to back, and it's not that I have a problem with doing the work. I have no problem with doing it, I would do whatever they asked of me as long as things stayed the same and I could do it completely alone. I would work my *** off, and I do. But I started to feel very trapped. I'm used to working three days a week at the most, and I just started thinking "Oh god, I'm trapped here, it's just going to get harder and I'm trapped, I can't stay home and be alone when I need to be, I'M TRAPPED" and then I started feeling like I was trapped until the day I die, granted this is only a seasonal job but the thought of working, and then just dying not to have had any meaning out of life, it just seems pointless. I know this isn't the case but in my head that's what it feels like. I started to feel so alone because no one I knew and loved was there to support me, and I felt alone and I felt homesick (I'm ****ing 23 I don't get homesick usually, especially not 10 miles away from home) and I lost it. I left in the middle of what I was doing when no one was there and I walked into the bathroom and started losing it, I was crying, I couldn't breathe and of course someone came in so I had to keep quiet so no one would find out I was in there freaking out. So I'm freaking out and thinking to myself that no matter how hard I try I will never be normal. And if I can't be normal then what will life be for me, And then all of these thoughts were going through my mind and I just thought I have to end it, I have to find a way to end my life because I will never be ok. At the time I had my box cutter with me, but for some reason instead of doing anything I called my mom, who understands what issues I have and she told me to talk to my manager and see if I could leave for the night.
He was understanding, and very kind about it, he told me not to worry about it that, that night wasn't super busy so it was ok. And so he took me to the break room and had his boss come in to see me to talk to me about what was happening. He told me to go get what I need to get taken care of done and let them know if I'm staying or not. He made me feel guilty about possibly quitting because they need the workers, and I understand that. I get it. I don't want to let anyone down, but if I can't even look at the building where I work without a sense of dread how can I manage to go? He even warned me it's going to get harder, more people will be there, it'll be busier more will be expected of me. And that they need me. He said maybe I should try to push through, and he's right. I should try, and I have. I didn't quit after my first horrible day. And it got better but this isn't going to get better it's only going to get worse and I feel like a quitter, I feel like a spoiled brat who just doesn't want to work which I know isn't the case, I feel like a failure, and we need the money.
So I don't know what to do, it's only going to get worse and my meds aren't working and I'm scared. But I'm scared to leave too because then I'll have failed. Oh god I just don't know what to do.
I'm leaning towards quitting, I need to get some help, I may feel ok right now but that's because I'm at home, alone, in my bed where I feel comfortable and free and I can distract myself from all of the thoughts that keep me depressed and scared of everything. I need therapy I need medication and I don't think I can manage to be ok right now while working. At least not when it's going to be so chaotic during the holidays. Perhaps I should take the time to get help, calm down a little, and go back to working after the holiday seasons are over?
I don't want to let people down. I don't know what to do right now. :kickingmyself:
I just don't want anyone to be mad at me for not sucking it up and sticking with it, like I know my best friend will be. I don't plan on telling her if I do.
I spent the night I left from work being watched constantly because everyone was afraid I was going to off myself. I wasn't so sure that I wasn't. It was a possibility. What is the point in even bothering with life when you can't even manage to function and the guilt over thinking about quitting. And the embarrassment over this happening at work. I don't see the point.
Let me break this down for you, constant change, lots of pressure, and being surrounded by a lot of people, this does not make for a happy me. I mean I'm still not the fastest at my job, it takes me a long time to learn and get accustomed to stuff, so when that pressure starts I'm not going to be prepared. It's scary.
Well before I figured all of that out I had made the mistake of looking at my schedule, they had me schedules for six days that week, Friday and Saturday and then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Thats four days back to back, and it's not that I have a problem with doing the work. I have no problem with doing it, I would do whatever they asked of me as long as things stayed the same and I could do it completely alone. I would work my *** off, and I do. But I started to feel very trapped. I'm used to working three days a week at the most, and I just started thinking "Oh god, I'm trapped here, it's just going to get harder and I'm trapped, I can't stay home and be alone when I need to be, I'M TRAPPED" and then I started feeling like I was trapped until the day I die, granted this is only a seasonal job but the thought of working, and then just dying not to have had any meaning out of life, it just seems pointless. I know this isn't the case but in my head that's what it feels like. I started to feel so alone because no one I knew and loved was there to support me, and I felt alone and I felt homesick (I'm ****ing 23 I don't get homesick usually, especially not 10 miles away from home) and I lost it. I left in the middle of what I was doing when no one was there and I walked into the bathroom and started losing it, I was crying, I couldn't breathe and of course someone came in so I had to keep quiet so no one would find out I was in there freaking out. So I'm freaking out and thinking to myself that no matter how hard I try I will never be normal. And if I can't be normal then what will life be for me, And then all of these thoughts were going through my mind and I just thought I have to end it, I have to find a way to end my life because I will never be ok. At the time I had my box cutter with me, but for some reason instead of doing anything I called my mom, who understands what issues I have and she told me to talk to my manager and see if I could leave for the night.
He was understanding, and very kind about it, he told me not to worry about it that, that night wasn't super busy so it was ok. And so he took me to the break room and had his boss come in to see me to talk to me about what was happening. He told me to go get what I need to get taken care of done and let them know if I'm staying or not. He made me feel guilty about possibly quitting because they need the workers, and I understand that. I get it. I don't want to let anyone down, but if I can't even look at the building where I work without a sense of dread how can I manage to go? He even warned me it's going to get harder, more people will be there, it'll be busier more will be expected of me. And that they need me. He said maybe I should try to push through, and he's right. I should try, and I have. I didn't quit after my first horrible day. And it got better but this isn't going to get better it's only going to get worse and I feel like a quitter, I feel like a spoiled brat who just doesn't want to work which I know isn't the case, I feel like a failure, and we need the money.
So I don't know what to do, it's only going to get worse and my meds aren't working and I'm scared. But I'm scared to leave too because then I'll have failed. Oh god I just don't know what to do.
I'm leaning towards quitting, I need to get some help, I may feel ok right now but that's because I'm at home, alone, in my bed where I feel comfortable and free and I can distract myself from all of the thoughts that keep me depressed and scared of everything. I need therapy I need medication and I don't think I can manage to be ok right now while working. At least not when it's going to be so chaotic during the holidays. Perhaps I should take the time to get help, calm down a little, and go back to working after the holiday seasons are over?
I don't want to let people down. I don't know what to do right now. :kickingmyself:
I just don't want anyone to be mad at me for not sucking it up and sticking with it, like I know my best friend will be. I don't plan on telling her if I do.
I spent the night I left from work being watched constantly because everyone was afraid I was going to off myself. I wasn't so sure that I wasn't. It was a possibility. What is the point in even bothering with life when you can't even manage to function and the guilt over thinking about quitting. And the embarrassment over this happening at work. I don't see the point.
