Should I go for it? (Some ladies help would be appreciate too)

[ABunkerHere]

Hey all,

To give the background information quickly; I am 22 and in college. I struggle with SA as all of you do, and my most difficult task is always to start conversation with people. I've been able to become a "normal" conversationalist once comfortable with the people involved, but it's the initial breaking of the ice that I find nearly impossible to accomplish without major anxiety.

Anyway, there is a girl in my chemistry class who I'd really like to ask out, but I am struggling with confidence. Also I am thinking too much about whether it's "weird" or not to talk with somebody immediately after class (lab) and just say, "Hey, so... I know you just got done with a lab experiment, but would you want to grab a bite to eat sometime?" I've always over-analyzed, but I can't help but feel that asking such a question would be silly. On the other hand, over the years I KNOW I've lost out on possible friendships/relationships by not extending beyond typical classroom conversation... I really want to get past this stage of my life. I want so badly to have a girlfriend, but asking that question is so difficult. I can be charming in class, I can be funny and entertaining... But even after all of that, I don't really feel that any woman would really want anything to do with me.

Any advice? Guys? Gals?

Thanks,
Pete

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

First, you should probably get that last sentiment out of your head. The part where you don't feel that any woman would want anything to do with you. If you give off that vibe the chances of rejection are much greater. Realistically speaking, chances are that there are women out there who would want to get to know you. Why not this one that you're interested in? You just have to muster up some courage and ask her out for that bite to eat. If you stumble over your own words, laugh it off. It's not strange to talk to her after class. Also, maybe make eye contact with her during class and smile. You say that you can be funny, charming and entertaining. Use that! Women love that sort of thing!

 

[klytus]

But even after all of that, I don't really feel that any woman would really want anything to do with me.

Might be true. It very seldom is, in reality, though. For most people such an attitude towards the opposite sex is a means of self-protection against inevitably uncomfortable situations. However, it is necessary to face those situations to become more comfortable with them, hence it is advisable to ignore the possibility that you are entirely unattractive or unlovable and "just go for it", since, in either case, not much could be lost at this point.

Realistically speaking, chances are that there are women out there who would want to get to know you.

This is almost always the case, in fact. There is almost always someone who would want to be with you or at least give you a chance by getting to know you. It's just a numbers game, after all. If you don't ask / talk to lots of people, you don't give yourself a chance.

You just have to muster up some courage and ask her out for that bite to eat. If you stumble over your own words, laugh it off. It's not strange to talk to her after class.

You either accept that it is not strange to talk to someone based on superficial attraction (since it really isn't) and "just do it", or you accept that talking to anyone is strange by definition and still do it. It doesn't really matter what adjectives you can use to describe a certain activity - if that activity has the ability to make your life better, and it doesn't cause an unreasonable discomfort to the others involved, "just do it". Even if you fail, you have at least tried. Most of the time, if you fail, you are a step closer to success. And if you succeed, well, then the discomfort was entirely worth it.

I can be charming in class, I can be funny and entertaining...

This implies that you have the potential to be sexually attractive. Since this is all what the initial romance is about, it means you have the potential to make a girl like you a lot. Fight the anxiety, and get a girlfriend. (Plus that there isn't much to lose.)

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

Also I am thinking too much about whether it's "weird" or not to talk with somebody immediately after class (lab) and just say, "Hey, so... I know you just got done with a lab experiment, but would you want to grab a bite to eat sometime?" I've always over-analyzed, but I can't help but feel that asking such a question would be silly.

You're not over-analysing that one. Put those conversationalist skills to good use and befriend her first. Presuming that you two don't already know each other well.

 

[sabbath]

u already have chemistry with her, go for it!

 

[ABunkerHere]

Thanks everyone. Along with SA, I deal with OCD. Thankfully, I am able to control it most of the time; but one of my weaknesses is that I think over and over and over about the smallest little details... In the end, they probably don't even matter, but there is a consistent pounding in my head that I must be thinking about it all.

I can say that your comments thus far have helped subside that pounding. I am more than capable of forming my own opinions on things, such as this situation with this girl; whether I should go for it or not, when the best time is, in person or online, etc. But without some kind of reaffirmation from the outside, even from fellow "non-normal" SA'ers such as you, I struggle to actually execute my plan... Thus I've lost plenty of potential friendships due to lack of action on my part.

On Monday I have Chem lab, and she is at the station next to my partner's and mine... So I guess towards the end during cleanup, I'll try and strike up a conversation. Thank you all for the encouragement.

And Sabbath, that's a wonderful pun.

 

[timidhorse]

Well, I will speak from experience as a girl who once took a physics lab. Just make small talk or ask them something about class. Usually once you get talking they will become more comfortable with you. If they don't have a car, offer them a ride and then offer to take them somewhere for a bite to eat if you ask if they are hungry.

That's it.

 

[klytus]

If they don't have a car, offer them a ride and then offer to take them somewhere for a bite to eat if you ask if they are hungry.

Would you get into a stranger's car?

 

[timidhorse]

Would you get into a stranger's car?

No, I wouldn't if it were a guy asking me for a ride, but if it's a girl asking I will jump in her car. I have done that before.

Oh, and everyone is a stranger. You never really know a person till it's too late, I know this and I had a boyfriend before. I know I am a little naive because of my lack of social experiences, but I'm not that dense. I am scared of guys, I only went out with one guy and that was because we were good friends first. Still, he turned out to be a useless good-for-nothing.

 

[ABunkerHere]

Well, I managed to choke again today. My lab partner and I finished our lab fairly early. (It's only the 2nd lab, so it's still basic stuff) Anyway, after we turned in our worksheets, I noticed that the girl I am trying to approach is still working with her partner on their work. So, my partner left, and I kind of hung around a bit, cleaning up and trying to take as much time as possible, so I'd have a chance to talk with her once she finished up. Well, they took approximately 15 more minutes to finish up, so I was kinda getting antsy, as I didn't want to appear to be waiting, despite the fact it was the truth. I didn't want to interrupt their work just to say, "Hey, can I talk with you," so I didn't. I managed to make it through the 15 minutes and appear to be busy, and then they finished up. So I left with my stuff, grabbed a drink of water from the fountain, then managed to meet up with her at the stairwell. (I am pretty good at timing things up) So anyway, after all of that waiting, it was just myself and her walking down the stairwell from the 3rd floor. I had a great opportunity to just ask her, or at the very least say, "Hey, are you doing anything this weekend." You know? Just get SOME sort of connection going. My guts failed me however, and I just walked down there stairway quitely... I passed her a bit as we reached the 1st floor, and I made it to the exit doors before her, and so perhaps the only good thing to come out today was that I held the door open for her, and she smiled and thanked me.

If I were an optimist, I suppose I could say, "Baby steps" and be happy. As a pessimist, I can't help but feel I blew a large opportunity. I hate this feeling. While walking down the stairs, I kept thinking that if I had approached her she'd say, "Did you really just wait 15 minutes to ask me out?" of which would be bad, but true. I really hate SA. And OCD. If she came up to me, I'd have no problem. I've evolved greatly with being part of the conversation, I am pretty good at it now. But starting one?

Worst of all, I feel that if I keep passing on my chances, specifically with this girl, that she'll be taken soon enough. She's a beautiful girl, very nice, smart, she shares the same major as me (chemistry)... I have Chemistry with her again on Wednesday and Friday, although those are only lecture days of 1 hour each. It'll be impossible to speak in class, and quite a bit more difficult to approach her afterward due to the crowd of people. However, I really don't want to put it off until next Monday. I know I will regret it.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to vent. If you have any more tips or advice, I'd appreciate it. Thanks for the support everybody!

Pete