XxJustMexX
Active member
Hi everyone. I'm new here and joined to ask a question that's been bothering me about my extremely shy "boyfriend". I apologize beforehand if this turns out long. To be honest I've been typing for quite a while now and it turned out hella long so I'm trying to rewrite to condense it...
The guy I'm dating (let's call him Tom) and I met about 4 months ago. For examples too long to explain, let's just say that he's liked me from day 1, liked me for a couple months and I started reciprocating feelings a couple months ago. According to friends, he's totally into me (his best friend tells me he reaaaaally likes me) but he's a "pansy". That to me just equates to being the nice guy of the group... So ya, about a month ago (after weeks of him just coming over and shyly "hanging out" at my place and not making any moves) I decided to invite him to a party (first time I invited him anywhere) and he put what he was doing down so quickly that I had the biggest smile on my face! lol. He stayed by my side the entire party and well... he hasn't left it since. Will explain later... Anyway... The next week, our mutual friends (a couple that rents a room out from me) and I were going camping and even though he had stuff to do, he totally dropped them to come spend time with me and come with us! I was stoked!
Anyway, 4 days camping and up until now we haven't done anything but slight flirting. That weekend definitely showed how much he cares. He helped with everything, offered to do everything for/with me, walked me to the rest rooms (every 15 minutes might I add... too much fun lol). The whole shebang. This guy is attached to me. Anyway, you would think 4 days of drunk camping, he'd make a move... Nope. But hell, all that did was make me respect him more! We even slept on the same air mattress and he was so respectful and didn't try anything...
So... about 3 weeks ago (after weeks of him doing nothing but gawking at me and being an absolute sweetheart to me) I finally dove in head first and kissed him. Wow. He definitely reciprocated and just in case, I did it again later that night to see if it was really something mutual, and again, definitely mutual... So, you would think this should have opened our relationship up a little more? Nope. Think again... lol.
A week goes by and nothing else... We're right back to the whole shyness thing aaaaaall over again. Really shy guys??? lol. I mean come on, I kissed him... TWICE. I thought that was my green light right there. Apparently not.
Anyway, here's the problem.
He's told people he likes me. He shows he likes me. Matter of fact I think he's pretty much in love with me... How I come to this conclusion is how he acts with me... all he does for me, how he looks at me... All the stuff that makes you feel all mushy inside... The problem is, aside from all that, - HE NEVER TOUCHES ME. Well, not never. A couple drunk times he's put his hand on my back. For a second. Then probably got so nervous he peed his pants. Really.
In the last month we've moved forward enough to where you would think that he's 100% sure that I like him... but apparently not... or he's really just love shy or something... It's becoming something that's really playing with my mind... The emotions are there... but the physical things are missing.
Don't get me wrong, if I come up to him and hug him, he seems ok with it... He'll kiss me if I start it... He'll come cuddle if I ask... I've been told by people that I have to lead him into knowing it's ok so I've been doing a lot of the initiating. But you know what, it's really getting to me that I have to ask him or initiate ALL THE TIME.
I'm trying to understand that it's really hard for him to do any initiating... But for Christ's sake... I'm starting to think he may have some sort of affection/intimacy issue. According to him he was an unwanted child and his parents just basically cast him out of the family and treated him like the red headed step child since birth... I can only imagine how little to no affection he got... I think this is definitely a deep psychological issue. It's a wonder how he's turned out to be the sweetest guy I know. (Not only is this what I see, but his best friend who I met him through vouches that he's the nicest guy he knows...)
Anyway, so in the last month, we've moved forward enough to where we kiss a lot, but only because I initiate it... We cuddle... if I initiate it. We'll hug... if I initiate it... I'm getting so self conscious now though because he never initiates. It's getting to a point where sometimes I'm starting to doubt and question whether he wants me to or not... It's become such a problem in my head that I even had to ask him a couple days ago if I kissed him too much and he said "no way" and leaned over and kissed me... (for the first time I might add!) But to be honest, it sometimes seems forced!!! Once our lips lock, oh ya, I can tell there's something there. But getting to that point means I have to initiate it, or ask for it... Holding my hand...? Forget it.
The last couple of days... it's been getting better. I told him two days ago that I loved kissing him, and I think that may have boosted his confidence up a little because he's starting to pick up on when I want a kiss (but I still have to hint...!)
Anyway, my question is... WTF? I mean, we do physical stuff all the time, but the problem is that I have to initiate it all the time... There's been a couple times where he made a baby step like putting a hand on my back or whatever but that's about it. The other day when I asked him to cuddle with me on the couch, he straight sat down, let me lie on him, put his hands on the head of the couch. I had to literally grab his arm and put it around me... It stayed there all night, but hell, did I really have to teach him that??
I know it's not me... (at least I hope it isn't) But honestly, it's really bringing my own ego down. The thing is, trust me... this guy is in love with me. But it's only been less than a month and there's no freaking affection unless I start it. It's getting to me. Most couples can't keep their hands off each other right now. I mean once I start it, ya, that's how it is... but why do I always have to start it...??
I'm not gonna lie, I have a high sex drive. I also come from a very affectional heritage... We hug, kiss, yadda yadda... it's second nature to us. So yes, I do kind of need to be touched once in a while. (If you know anything about the 5 love languages, no I'm not a physical touch person, I really am an acts of service person... which is why I fell for him since he does things for me all the time... but I still need the physical affection especially in the beginning of the relationship...!)
So ya, to sum it all up... What in hell is going on, and how do I go about this? I'm trying to be patient and "guide" him to let him know it's ok to break out of his shell... But it's seriously getting to the point where it's starting to make me self conscious and I'm getting hesitant to initiate anything because I start thinking in my head, well maybe he doesn't want me hugging/kissing him all the time. No matter how much he reciprocates, I still am starting to have insecurities and it makes me not want to do it anymore or I get nervous now and hesitant because I start thinking negatively.
You see, I too am shy. But I'm also one of those "get what she wants" driven women... So I have learned to put doubts aside and just go for things with confidence. So right now, I'm putting all my cards on the table, while I have to sit here and guess his cards.
Is this a case of SA, is he just extremely shy, major low self esteem... What's wrong with my guy and how can I help him break out of his shell????
The guy I'm dating (let's call him Tom) and I met about 4 months ago. For examples too long to explain, let's just say that he's liked me from day 1, liked me for a couple months and I started reciprocating feelings a couple months ago. According to friends, he's totally into me (his best friend tells me he reaaaaally likes me) but he's a "pansy". That to me just equates to being the nice guy of the group... So ya, about a month ago (after weeks of him just coming over and shyly "hanging out" at my place and not making any moves) I decided to invite him to a party (first time I invited him anywhere) and he put what he was doing down so quickly that I had the biggest smile on my face! lol. He stayed by my side the entire party and well... he hasn't left it since. Will explain later... Anyway... The next week, our mutual friends (a couple that rents a room out from me) and I were going camping and even though he had stuff to do, he totally dropped them to come spend time with me and come with us! I was stoked!
Anyway, 4 days camping and up until now we haven't done anything but slight flirting. That weekend definitely showed how much he cares. He helped with everything, offered to do everything for/with me, walked me to the rest rooms (every 15 minutes might I add... too much fun lol). The whole shebang. This guy is attached to me. Anyway, you would think 4 days of drunk camping, he'd make a move... Nope. But hell, all that did was make me respect him more! We even slept on the same air mattress and he was so respectful and didn't try anything...
So... about 3 weeks ago (after weeks of him doing nothing but gawking at me and being an absolute sweetheart to me) I finally dove in head first and kissed him. Wow. He definitely reciprocated and just in case, I did it again later that night to see if it was really something mutual, and again, definitely mutual... So, you would think this should have opened our relationship up a little more? Nope. Think again... lol.
A week goes by and nothing else... We're right back to the whole shyness thing aaaaaall over again. Really shy guys??? lol. I mean come on, I kissed him... TWICE. I thought that was my green light right there. Apparently not.
Anyway, here's the problem.
He's told people he likes me. He shows he likes me. Matter of fact I think he's pretty much in love with me... How I come to this conclusion is how he acts with me... all he does for me, how he looks at me... All the stuff that makes you feel all mushy inside... The problem is, aside from all that, - HE NEVER TOUCHES ME. Well, not never. A couple drunk times he's put his hand on my back. For a second. Then probably got so nervous he peed his pants. Really.
In the last month we've moved forward enough to where you would think that he's 100% sure that I like him... but apparently not... or he's really just love shy or something... It's becoming something that's really playing with my mind... The emotions are there... but the physical things are missing.
Don't get me wrong, if I come up to him and hug him, he seems ok with it... He'll kiss me if I start it... He'll come cuddle if I ask... I've been told by people that I have to lead him into knowing it's ok so I've been doing a lot of the initiating. But you know what, it's really getting to me that I have to ask him or initiate ALL THE TIME.
I'm trying to understand that it's really hard for him to do any initiating... But for Christ's sake... I'm starting to think he may have some sort of affection/intimacy issue. According to him he was an unwanted child and his parents just basically cast him out of the family and treated him like the red headed step child since birth... I can only imagine how little to no affection he got... I think this is definitely a deep psychological issue. It's a wonder how he's turned out to be the sweetest guy I know. (Not only is this what I see, but his best friend who I met him through vouches that he's the nicest guy he knows...)
Anyway, so in the last month, we've moved forward enough to where we kiss a lot, but only because I initiate it... We cuddle... if I initiate it. We'll hug... if I initiate it... I'm getting so self conscious now though because he never initiates. It's getting to a point where sometimes I'm starting to doubt and question whether he wants me to or not... It's become such a problem in my head that I even had to ask him a couple days ago if I kissed him too much and he said "no way" and leaned over and kissed me... (for the first time I might add!) But to be honest, it sometimes seems forced!!! Once our lips lock, oh ya, I can tell there's something there. But getting to that point means I have to initiate it, or ask for it... Holding my hand...? Forget it.
The last couple of days... it's been getting better. I told him two days ago that I loved kissing him, and I think that may have boosted his confidence up a little because he's starting to pick up on when I want a kiss (but I still have to hint...!)
Anyway, my question is... WTF? I mean, we do physical stuff all the time, but the problem is that I have to initiate it all the time... There's been a couple times where he made a baby step like putting a hand on my back or whatever but that's about it. The other day when I asked him to cuddle with me on the couch, he straight sat down, let me lie on him, put his hands on the head of the couch. I had to literally grab his arm and put it around me... It stayed there all night, but hell, did I really have to teach him that??
I know it's not me... (at least I hope it isn't) But honestly, it's really bringing my own ego down. The thing is, trust me... this guy is in love with me. But it's only been less than a month and there's no freaking affection unless I start it. It's getting to me. Most couples can't keep their hands off each other right now. I mean once I start it, ya, that's how it is... but why do I always have to start it...??
I'm not gonna lie, I have a high sex drive. I also come from a very affectional heritage... We hug, kiss, yadda yadda... it's second nature to us. So yes, I do kind of need to be touched once in a while. (If you know anything about the 5 love languages, no I'm not a physical touch person, I really am an acts of service person... which is why I fell for him since he does things for me all the time... but I still need the physical affection especially in the beginning of the relationship...!)
So ya, to sum it all up... What in hell is going on, and how do I go about this? I'm trying to be patient and "guide" him to let him know it's ok to break out of his shell... But it's seriously getting to the point where it's starting to make me self conscious and I'm getting hesitant to initiate anything because I start thinking in my head, well maybe he doesn't want me hugging/kissing him all the time. No matter how much he reciprocates, I still am starting to have insecurities and it makes me not want to do it anymore or I get nervous now and hesitant because I start thinking negatively.
You see, I too am shy. But I'm also one of those "get what she wants" driven women... So I have learned to put doubts aside and just go for things with confidence. So right now, I'm putting all my cards on the table, while I have to sit here and guess his cards.
Is this a case of SA, is he just extremely shy, major low self esteem... What's wrong with my guy and how can I help him break out of his shell????