Relationship Issues

[lunarla]

krista and lunarla, i feel for you girls! i'm practically the same way... i have to say i'm super tired and didn't read every little thing y'all said (sorry!), but i just wanted to say about us all being insecure and feeling inferior next to that "attractive friend" or whomever.. it's totally true that some guys just WON'T see that person that way or feel attracted to them in the way that they do you.. know what i mean? just let your mind rest a little knowing that just because YOU feel she/whoever/other girls are more attractive, there WILL be other people who don't feel the same, ya know? i wish i could explain that easier, hehe.. but i just know that i'm one of those people who does get complimented and some people do seem to find me attractive, and i understand that OTHERS may see me that way, but i don't at all.. i have a picture in my head of what i'd like to look like, and i don't look that way... but not everyone is like us! some people are just going to find us to be absolutely gorgeous and we gotta take that in and almost see it as hey, whatever, if you see me completely different than i see me, then good for me! i'll take it! haha

kk sorry for the jumble of words! i should get to bed, huh! haha, best wishes to you both! ...and freakin' love journey as well!!

I really am going to try to believe the rational of what other people are telling me on this topic. And I hope Krista does too!! Thank you for telling what you've felt with this too, even in your sleepy state!

But at the same time, I'm not someone who gets complimented in person by people, really. So I never reallyyyyy know.

all I have to say to you girls is......DON'T STOP BELIEEEVINNG! LOL

serious though, I love ya'll personalities more than a girl whose full of herself with the prettiest looks, it don't matter to me, when we get old we loose our looks and ya'll defintly ain't ugly! Ya'll are beautiful!!

Hahah, I'm glad that you have been the second person to quote that Journey song tonight. ::

 

[Krista]

Journey besties! I can't stop listening today for some reason.

I think it's important for us to just know that we're good people and worthy. I know how hard that is though, my mind is so warped into thinking otherwise. Honestly, I can already tell by reading the things that you say that you are a good person! And worthy, most everyone is worthy. ("Except me!" revolts my insecurity in the back of my mind.) And apparently looks aren't the biggest deal. I have problems coming to terms with that one in particular, but people say that. There's even a thread on here about it, and while many state that looks are important, they can only do so much. I'm trying to come to terms with this. I really tend to feel like such a superficial and awful person for thinking the way I do about looks, but it really is just directed at myself irrationally. My best friend (boyfriend is such a weird term) says that basically, he likes me because I'm me and he likes me. And then in the back of my mind I think "Well, why can't he like me for being really attractive and for me? (See? So warped and irrational and vain) I know I'm not really attractive. But I cannnnnnnnnn't some how handle that I'm not. Because if I'm not really attractive, then everyone is more so and if everyone is more so, then he knows it too. And with how I think, I can't handle that.

When you talk about people checking you out of their minds, that's probably not true for everyone. Maybe some, but not everyone. And to the ones that do, I don't think you should care. For me, I don't necessarily care if other people thought I was the most dull person or not at this point. It's just that my insecurities are heightened so much so with being in a relationship so I systematically compare myself to every girl walking by, though I don't care what she particularly might think of me.

I know all too much how you feel with bringing someone around your friend. That hasn't happened for me and I hope that it doesn't. With how I am insecure right now, it probably doesn't matter if he just made quick eye contact with her like a normal person, or stared at her, I would read either negatively to the same extent. It's such a challenge, but for now I'm just trying not to obsess quite as much.

Oh my goodness we are sooo going to be Journey buddies lol. Actually I'll be trying to get out a little bit this weekend, I did promise one of my friends I'd take her to see that New Moon movie(for which I am absolutely not looking forward to and this small thread wouldn't be able to contain my disdain for it lol) but I'm fairly excited about it. It's nice that for the first time I'm not really focusing on what boys will be there and how I need to make myself look presentable for them. It's like, even if I don't like you I still need reassurance but I don't want that.

I do believe that we are good people and in time good and great things will happen to us. I mean if good things do come to those who wait, we all better be getting something freaking amazing pretty damn soon lol. I know exactly how you feel about maybe seeming too preocupied or shallow because it's all about looks but that's not our personality, it's just our irrational thoughts. I hate myself sometimes for feeling like I'm so caught up in making sure I look good enough for everyone, when in reality I could care less about looks. It's never been about that with guys, just someone I can connect with but goodness when it comes to myself.

I know I have to stop caring so much about random people I don't even know's opinion but sometimes it's hard. It's more like this, if I were going somewhere where I was about to meet a whole bunch of new people and I had just entered the room...no one cares. Like they've already in their head decided that I'm probably not going to be interesting or I don't look like someone who would be good enough to talk to. Irrational I know but your post makes me feel better enough to try and remember that I'll never see those people again probably so who cares, I came with friends anyways.

The best friend thing is a very tough issue to get over. It's certainly not easy always feeling inadequate next to her but I think I'm going to start trying to think on a different train of thought when it comes to that, allowing myself to feel a little bit better about the situation in case I'm feeling glum. I have to tell myself that of the boys I have brought around her, every one of them liked me and it didn't actually show an interest in her(of course in my head, ever gesture they make towards her is just another sign that they are). But I know that isn't true and I need to keep that at the forefront of my brain instead of stifled in the back. I understand now better that it's not that they liked her it was really my fault and not in the blaming myself, woe is me way. But that in not being confident in myself, I, as you do with your boyfriend when you say you argue and it's about her sometimes, do the same. In my head I don't understand why they would even be interested in me. I don't have beauty, charm or brains to keep them here so why are they staying? But I really must have or else they wouldn't and when I'm constantly pushing at them.....you like her, I know you do. I can see it everytime you stare at her......or why wouldn't you? She has everything a guy likes......of course they're going to start moving away from me. No guy likes to be told that they know what's best for them or that they're all wrong and they are just lying to me to get closer to her maybe. And that just pushes them to her more. So in reality I've just pretty much auctioned her off to ever guy I know and they do start seeing what I'm talking about because I keep putting it in their face and I'm not acting like the girl they knew.

 

[Krista]

i second that!!

im in a relationship for a couple weeks

1) How hard was it to start a relationship with that person?
it was hard for me personally. I met this person randomly, at a club (which is unusual for me to go to) and gave them my number because i didn't think they would call. But they did- and i avoided this person's phone calls and texts for 10 days. But they were persistent, so i decided to give him a chance.

2) Is it ever a struggle for you to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner?
It's hard because i feel like they are a lot more interesting than I am, and we live 2 hours apart, and i have to share the car i drive... however, he's been putting in a lot of effort into this relationship and i really appreciate it, and that makes easier for me to open up alittle bit more. I've been trying to just let it happen, giving the relationship an honest shot and if it fails, let it fail- not trying to just immediately reject them before they can do it to me, which is what i usually do.

3) Was it hard for them to understand your problems and what do they do to help you out with them?
It's early in the relationship and I don't think it's become an issue yet. I haven't had to meet anyone he knows yet or visa versa. I am not quite sure when he'll realize that i can't hold a conversation- most of my responses are just nervous giggles. There are some things that have started to come up, but he's pretty understanding & nonjudgmental.

4) How did you even broach the subject of your SA with your partner?
Personally, I try to downplay my issues. I say that im a shy reserved person, and i think he knows that.

I most certainly understand the rejection. If ever another situation presents itself for me to be in an actual relationship and I let it happen, I'm going to keep your mind set with me . I think it'll help immensely.

 

[Honk]

1) Do you ever feel like you're missing out on having one?
Yup

2) How do you cope with your feelings?
I don't, I distract myself with sports. Works quite good, till the next injury that is.

3) How does your SA negate you from "going after it" or "just living in the moment"?
SA and my massive sense of inferiority keep me from having much of a social life at all.
I found, that I have a hard time just getting along with flatmates, which kinda disillusioned me.
Edit:
My desire to excel at rockclimbing is preventing me form changing, to a point at least.
I'm afraid, that I loose my determination, once I'll be enjoying other things.