Regret after cutting people off?

[worrywort]

I haven't been on here for a while but really felt the need to vent. I'm feeling very much in need of some major forgiveness right now! I've been thinking a lot about life lately, what's most important, and what I'll regret the most at the end of it, and my heart keeps returning to relationships. All the people I've met in my life, these are the people that will matter most to me when I look back.

But I have a problem in my heart, I am a serial "cutter-offer"! I seem to have this tendency to desire my own space, and whenever relationships get too hard I just cut them off. For the most part I guess I can block it out and carry on life feeling ok, but every now and then the regret and loneliness will hit me and it feels truer than my supposed peace in isolation.

and now I'm looking back at the mess I've made and all the cords I've cut and wishing I could bring them all back together again. The church I left after 4 years without barely saying a goodbye. All the facebook friends I've deleted. Even this forum I miss being a part of.

and so now I'm wondering what I should do? What I'd like to do is reopen all the gates and let everybody back in, go back to church, restore my original facebook etc. but I have these two concerns;

Firstly, I'm worried that I'll just run into the same problems that drove me to cut the cords in the first place. Will it really be different this time? Was I right to cut the cords in the first place? Is there such a thing as being too-connected? Or maybe putting up with the tough stuff is what makes relationships work and I need to try harder next time?

But secondly, and most importantly, I'm feeling pretty vulnerable and embarrassed because I'm not sure people will even have me, or want me, back! Being cut off without a goodbye, I think people may well be angry at me. Although in truth I connected with people so little that I doubt most people even noticed I was gone anyway! So I guess I may have to hope for some forgiveness too.

I'm not sure, but if anyone has any thoughts or can relate, I'd love to hear from you. thanks.

 

[Srijita52]

I understand. My personal space is more important to me than anything else, when things get hard I always run. But every now and then I do feel lonely and wish I'd see people more.
Maybe you just need a balance between the two also try to be close to those who'll understand your need of space.
Maybe your friends aren't as angry as you think, they might be wondering where you were but will be okay when you contact them again.

 

[kihira]

Maybe dont think of it as cutting cords, but more of releasing your grip on them; they are still there to pick up again and see what's on the other end. Some people need to be constantly connected whereas others need to make some space now and then - like trees, evergreen and deciduous, perhaps? Good friendships can wax and wane but last over time. People wont be angry at you for disappearing off the radar for a while.

 

[Minty]

I think you should try to find one person, one person who was always loyal and understanding towards you and try to renew the friendship with them. And let them in on all your problems once you're close again. Let them know you're a serial cutter-offer and that your behavior is almost compulsory and not a reflection of how you feel towards them. That way, when the friendship gets difficult (all of them do) you can try to challenge your bad habit but if you fail you won't feel horrible because your friend will know what to expect in advance. And just keep trying while being patient with yourself until you've learned how to commit. Then you can slowly add others into your life, but don't bite off more than you can chew!

One thing to also consider is taking "vacations" from people. In the heat of the moment, yeah, you'll want to cut off everyone, delete profiles, quit social groups that you belong to--but resist that urge. Just take a three day vacation. Or even a week. Tell people you're going to be away for some much needed alone time. Don't look at emails. Don't touch your phone if you can manage it. A day in, you'll realize you didn't need to cut anyone off. You just needed to recharge.

Hope this helps.

 

[gustavofring]

I have this pretty bad.

I shut myself off from contacts with people a lot. I don't know why I do it, and why it takes me so long to get over myself and take any action or initiative to expose myself to people. It's eating me up.

Almost always turns out that when I do muster the courage to be social, it's no big deal at all, and in fact a pleasant experience most of the time.

 

[da_illest101]

I can't remember once missing someone that I got cut off. Even my childhood friend that I didn't talk to for four years and then came back into my life, I didn't miss him even if we do talk a lot.

Though I do miss my former best friend, but I wasn't the one who did the cutting

 

[shyness123]

I have done this and if the person is not treating you well or respecting you, then it is fine to cut them off because they are not listening to you and how you feel. I have had to do this is and it is very effective.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks so much for the replies! I can't believe how great all your advice is! Phocas, I'd never thought of relationships that way, but I've got a feeling I'm gonna hang on to that analogy for a long time. I've always had this problem. I'm pretty good at the building relationships part but terrible when I want to phase out a relationship. I never know how to do it without hurting people's feelings, and so usually just freak out and end it!

And Minty, your comment about not biting off more than you can chew, really hit home with me. I think that's exactly what I need to remember, just start small and slow. Because I remember now why it is that I desire my own space; it's because of my art. It always seems to improve in isolation. So whatever I do this time, I'll make sure I don't jump in too deep too fast. [oh and the "vacation from people" idea is great too! I'll definitely remember that!]

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I can relate to this thread so much. Lately this has been on my mind...all the people I have had in my life that I drove away. Feel terribly guilty about it all. So much I have missed out on. I am not sure what I can do about the people I cut off, but I sure need to make sure not to do this again. I have wanted to not come back here either. It is so me to just sort of hide and run away from others. I need to stop that.

I think you should try to find one person, one person who was always loyal and understanding towards you and try to renew the friendship with them. And let them in on all your problems once you're close again. Let them know you're a serial cutter-offer and that your behavior is almost compulsory and not a reflection of how you feel towards them. That way, when the friendship gets difficult (all of them do) you can try to challenge your bad habit but if you fail you won't feel horrible because your friend will know what to expect in advance. And just keep trying while being patient with yourself until you've learned how to commit. Then you can slowly add others into your life, but don't bite off more than you can chew!

One thing to also consider is taking "vacations" from people. In the heat of the moment, yeah, you'll want to cut off everyone, delete profiles, quit social groups that you belong to--but resist that urge. Just take a three day vacation. Or even a week. Tell people you're going to be away for some much needed alone time. Don't look at emails. Don't touch your phone if you can manage it. A day in, you'll realize you didn't need to cut anyone off. You just needed to recharge.

Hope this helps.

That is really good advice, Minty! Thanks for sharing. I definitely need to do the whole "vacation" thing with people. Just need to remember not to stay away for too long.

 

[1BlackSheep]

I can relate to this thread so much. Lately this has been on my mind...all the people I have had in my life that I drove away. Feel terribly guilty about it all. So much I have missed out on. I am not sure what I can do about the people I cut off, but I sure need to make sure not to do this again. I have wanted to not come back here either. It is so me to just sort of hide and run away from others. I need to stop that.

Me too. I kind of "checked out" on life for a few years and cut out a lot of people. It's tough trying to jump back in because I'm just not good at putting myself out there and risking rejection. It is easier to just run and hide!

 

[Srijita52]

Me too. I kind of "checked out" on life for a few years and cut out a lot of people. It's tough trying to jump back in because I'm just not good at putting myself out there and risking rejection. It is easier to just run and hide!

I know what you mean, I always run without facing the situation and trying to get what I want, be it people or anything else. Its my first reaction when things get tough.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I kind of "checked out" on life for a few years and cut out a lot of people. It's tough trying to jump back in because I'm just not good at putting myself out there and risking rejection. It is easier to just run and hide!

I've pretty much done this all my life. I think about all the friends I have made...and how none of them are in my life now. Many of these old friends, they still get together. I could have been there too! Yeah, I don't know how to jump back in either. It has been a long time since I made a new friend. I have made lots of wonderful friends online. But that has its limitations.

 

[1BlackSheep]

I've pretty much done this all my life. I think about all the friends I have made...and how none of them are in my life now. Many of these old friends, they still get together. I could have been there too! Yeah, I don't know how to jump back in either. It has been a long time since I made a new friend. I have made lots of wonderful friends online. But that has its limitations.

Yes, unfortunately it's a lot harder to make friends in the "real world". It takes so much time to get to really know a person to the point where you actually go out and do stuff! It sure was a lot easier in the past for some reason.