MsBuzzkillington
Well-known member
I hate how even sitting right next to someone, I can feel incredibly lonely. It almost feels more lonely than when I am alone.
It's like there's this deep void between the other person and myself that I will never be able to cross. I don't know if I will ever be able to feel that connected with people. Sometimes when I first meet someone I get this rush of emotions all at once and I get so excited about this and that and I want to do this and that. Of course if the opportunity actually presents itself to do all these wonderful things I saw in my head, I start to panic and think, "What in the heck was I thinking?!" But this feeling usually fades within a couple weeks, then it goes back down to just sitting there and feeling nothing.
Laughing along, nodding my head but not really getting it. Usually after hanging out with people I have this really hallow, depressed feeling.
I think sometimes I feel more when I talk to people on the internet. It's like this fake world that I can imagine so perfect, and it makes me so happy. Maybe spending so much time on the internet has caused me to be unable to connect with an actual human being.
I know that the reason I don't have any friend is because I am quiet. I know that it's difficult to talk to me because of how depressed I have become. I have absolutely no self confidence. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror, and I feel like I am unworthy of people's attention, I am unworthy of their friendship/love... I don't even deserve to be in public. If I meet people in person, I don't talk about all these thoughts, but the fact that I think them puts out a certain energy I think. People like bubbly, friendly people and I am just not one of those people.
So I can completely understand why no one wants to hang out with me. I have too many issues. But I want so badly to be accepted by someone. For someone to be like, hey you're worth it and I want to be your friend and help you through these dark times. Someone who is willing to take a chance on me so that I can go out there and push myself and experience things and learn to love myself. Learn to be outgoing, learn to be more talkative, and learn to know what to talk about/ the right things to say.
I hate when I am in situations and I actually think positively. I hate when I have hope, because it always blows up in my face. Maybe I am thinking positively too early? I make things out to be a lot more than they are and then I get burned. It's mostly that flood of emotion and excitement thing. I should know, that it means nothing. I should know that nothing good will happen. But my mind always gives me false hope.
This person is my friend, this person might actually care.
Yeah. Right.
With the negative thoughts about myself, I have a really hard time showing affection to people. When I hung out with my friends awhile ago, I always had a hard time sitting near them, or if they wanted a hug goodbye or whatever... I'd always avoid it. I felt like there's no way they'd want me to touch them. I think how they probably get completely grossed out being near me. Sometimes I wonder how someone can even stand to look at me and have a conversation.
Blah, just blah.
______
Real life story time, no need to read... my posts get long.
Even with all these bad things going on in my head, I still try to meet people sometimes. If only I could turn that trying into trying to love myself, maybe I would have better luck.
I had been chatting with a friend of a friend for a few months on facebook. He lives in Colorado so when I came up to visit, I suggested hanging out. The biggest thing we have in common, is he is really shy too. He says he has a hard time getting comfortable talking to people and being around people. So there was that. He actually talked to me after we hung out, which rarely and I mean RARELY happens.
He actually wanted to hang out again. So we made plans to hang out again. But he didn't text all night that night. But then he text messaged really late, saying he accidentally slept passed his alarm. He works nights... so it's believable. We hung out again. Then we had made plans to hang out today (Monday) to go hiking around and to take pictures.
He suggested we hang out again a night before Monday so I agreed. Same thing happened where he didn't text me until very late that night. He said he had gone out to get a couple drinks, and it was like... okay? Kind of rude, but whatever.
Then he says that we might have to hang out early on Monday because he might have something to do after 5pm. Like... okay. Then he says he will try not to sleep all day Monday. Really I can understand him needing to sleep because he works 12 hour shifts at night, 6pm-6am. So I would imagine that if he is going to sleep all day that we are going to hang out in the evening. So I get a text from him around 6 and we text a big and then I ask him, so what's going on tonight? I get absolutely nothing back. Not even a late night text. He completely and totally blew me off.
For one, I am really ticked off about it. I just can't believe I actually trusted him. I can't believe that I thought we were going to hang out and I can't believe I got my hopes up for it. All these thoughts of wow, someone actually wants to hang out with me! YAY! just, gone.
I realized that he hasn't been treating me very well anyway. Kind of tossing me aside to the curb and then bringing me back when he saw fit.
I realized too that I let people treat me like absolute crap when they show me any kind of attention. I do absolutely anything and everything to try and make them stick around. I put myself in bad situations (and I have been some really, really bad ones) and lower myself and put myself down, just so I can maybe, hopefully get them to like me enough to stick around.
It's bad, and it's awful and I know it needs to stop.
I wish I could go somewhere to a special place and stay there until I could learn to love myself. Almost like a mental institution, but not so hardcore.
It's like there's this deep void between the other person and myself that I will never be able to cross. I don't know if I will ever be able to feel that connected with people. Sometimes when I first meet someone I get this rush of emotions all at once and I get so excited about this and that and I want to do this and that. Of course if the opportunity actually presents itself to do all these wonderful things I saw in my head, I start to panic and think, "What in the heck was I thinking?!" But this feeling usually fades within a couple weeks, then it goes back down to just sitting there and feeling nothing.
Laughing along, nodding my head but not really getting it. Usually after hanging out with people I have this really hallow, depressed feeling.
I think sometimes I feel more when I talk to people on the internet. It's like this fake world that I can imagine so perfect, and it makes me so happy. Maybe spending so much time on the internet has caused me to be unable to connect with an actual human being.
I know that the reason I don't have any friend is because I am quiet. I know that it's difficult to talk to me because of how depressed I have become. I have absolutely no self confidence. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror, and I feel like I am unworthy of people's attention, I am unworthy of their friendship/love... I don't even deserve to be in public. If I meet people in person, I don't talk about all these thoughts, but the fact that I think them puts out a certain energy I think. People like bubbly, friendly people and I am just not one of those people.
So I can completely understand why no one wants to hang out with me. I have too many issues. But I want so badly to be accepted by someone. For someone to be like, hey you're worth it and I want to be your friend and help you through these dark times. Someone who is willing to take a chance on me so that I can go out there and push myself and experience things and learn to love myself. Learn to be outgoing, learn to be more talkative, and learn to know what to talk about/ the right things to say.
I hate when I am in situations and I actually think positively. I hate when I have hope, because it always blows up in my face. Maybe I am thinking positively too early? I make things out to be a lot more than they are and then I get burned. It's mostly that flood of emotion and excitement thing. I should know, that it means nothing. I should know that nothing good will happen. But my mind always gives me false hope.
This person is my friend, this person might actually care.
Yeah. Right.
With the negative thoughts about myself, I have a really hard time showing affection to people. When I hung out with my friends awhile ago, I always had a hard time sitting near them, or if they wanted a hug goodbye or whatever... I'd always avoid it. I felt like there's no way they'd want me to touch them. I think how they probably get completely grossed out being near me. Sometimes I wonder how someone can even stand to look at me and have a conversation.
Blah, just blah.
______
Real life story time, no need to read... my posts get long.
Even with all these bad things going on in my head, I still try to meet people sometimes. If only I could turn that trying into trying to love myself, maybe I would have better luck.
I had been chatting with a friend of a friend for a few months on facebook. He lives in Colorado so when I came up to visit, I suggested hanging out. The biggest thing we have in common, is he is really shy too. He says he has a hard time getting comfortable talking to people and being around people. So there was that. He actually talked to me after we hung out, which rarely and I mean RARELY happens.
He actually wanted to hang out again. So we made plans to hang out again. But he didn't text all night that night. But then he text messaged really late, saying he accidentally slept passed his alarm. He works nights... so it's believable. We hung out again. Then we had made plans to hang out today (Monday) to go hiking around and to take pictures.
He suggested we hang out again a night before Monday so I agreed. Same thing happened where he didn't text me until very late that night. He said he had gone out to get a couple drinks, and it was like... okay? Kind of rude, but whatever.
Then he says that we might have to hang out early on Monday because he might have something to do after 5pm. Like... okay. Then he says he will try not to sleep all day Monday. Really I can understand him needing to sleep because he works 12 hour shifts at night, 6pm-6am. So I would imagine that if he is going to sleep all day that we are going to hang out in the evening. So I get a text from him around 6 and we text a big and then I ask him, so what's going on tonight? I get absolutely nothing back. Not even a late night text. He completely and totally blew me off.
For one, I am really ticked off about it. I just can't believe I actually trusted him. I can't believe that I thought we were going to hang out and I can't believe I got my hopes up for it. All these thoughts of wow, someone actually wants to hang out with me! YAY! just, gone.
I realized that he hasn't been treating me very well anyway. Kind of tossing me aside to the curb and then bringing me back when he saw fit.
I realized too that I let people treat me like absolute crap when they show me any kind of attention. I do absolutely anything and everything to try and make them stick around. I put myself in bad situations (and I have been some really, really bad ones) and lower myself and put myself down, just so I can maybe, hopefully get them to like me enough to stick around.
It's bad, and it's awful and I know it needs to stop.
I wish I could go somewhere to a special place and stay there until I could learn to love myself. Almost like a mental institution, but not so hardcore.
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