PLEASE CAN SOMEONE READ

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm

Hi again.

Good job! And, you don't have to be nervous about what your friend will say because, consider the worst case, what could she say??? How bad could it be. Don't care about what your mom says, don't take it serious. She doesn't understand that you need to change your thinking pattern. She can only give you a lower self-esteem by yelling at you.

Next time trying email doctors for advice.
Click Here for practice.

I don't think social phobia is chemical imbalance. Guest, I think only depression and mania involve chemical imbalance.

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Hmmmm

Yes the breathing technique works great. Click here

 

[Noise_Terrorist]

Hello there!

I just read what you posted, and in places, it seems like you were describing parts of my life! I too, have just finished my A-Levels, and have just turned 18. I have opted to take a year out before going to University, so I can try and sort my SP problem out.

But it's what you said about friends that I completly sympathise with. School was like a contact point for them, and now I have left school, I can feel myself losing touch, because even if they asked me to go out, I'd find an excuse to avoid the situation. And also with the job thing and not going out much now the exams are over, I know how you feel! I've hardly been out at all since the A-Levels were over, and I just find myself making excuses too. And I'm worried about getting a job too, because I'm worried of doing something wrong when I interact with people.

And yeah, I haven't told my parents either. They wouldn't understand. My mother would be very unsympathetic towards me.

Don't worry though. There are people like just like you. And as someone posted earlier, people with SP seem like really nice people.

 

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your support!!

I started to flick through the breathing technique page and it seems brilliant! Whether or not I master this is another matter but ill give it my best shot. I don’t understand how you find these great websites! I only found this forum by chance

On the breathing website it also had some confidence booster sentences. The thing is how do you actually tell yourself, its ok to talk, no ones looking, you have a right to be here etc when you don’t actually believe the things?? Seeing as I will not see a professional but some have said I should, I was just wondering what actually goes on in a counselling session. How can they actually change the way you think? Can you not some how do it alone? Also, im reading all this stuff on the site but how do you apply it to a real situation? it seems impossible.

I still could NEVER tell me parents or a doctor. I’ll see what happens with my friend. I really couldn’t cope with it.

Noise_Terrorist, ive read some of your other posts. I’m glad you’re trying to sort out the SP. At least you have a year, see due the A levels I thought I would sort myself out after I have finished them before I went to work. I thought I could get away with not working until I had my results, so I had some time to work with. Only I only have a few weeks left now. But still, going to work will surely give me more time to sort myself out, hopefully. I don’t think somehow I’ll get too far in the next few weeks. SP really gets to me sometimes. Like you went to your leavers ball but I couldn’t even face mine The whole thing just scared me, eating, possibly dancing- that’s another story :lol: , talking to people, wearing a dress, having the teachers there in a social atmosphere- as if lessons were not bad enough etc. Its so hard when part of you actually wants to go then people make comments but you cant explain yourself and people can see you as rude, boring etc.

 

[Anonymous]

Hello, well done, it's great that u managed to email ur friend

Seeing as I will not see a professional but some have said I should, I was just wondering what actually goes on in a counselling session. How can they actually change the way you think? Can you not some how do it alone?

I'm not sure what goes on in a counselling session since i have the same problem and can't bring myself to tell my doctor even though i don't think that i'll make it on my own. but i think what they do in a therapy is not only talk about your problems but they'll also set you small tasks so u have to face ur fears and finally overcome them. which is why i can't go and see my doctor and tell him about it. i think i could tell him, but i couldn't face a therapy ... not now at any rate ...

 

[ella]

Hi again!
When I started to attend CBT one of my first tasks was to write down all the situations in which I felt anxiety, from the least till the most fearfull.Then, one by one I had to face them all. :!: After some time, I`ve learned to overcome my fears in those situations and most important not to avoid them and to break that terrible habit of anticipating fear and imagining situations in advance.It surely was hard, but worth it.Paralely I was learning to change my thinking paths, which were very, very wrong 8O Currently, I`m in the last phase of CBT in which I deal with the causes of SP,self analysis and regaining selfconfidence.
By the way, congrats on telling your friend!As I said earlier, you`re very brave!
I hope this helped

 

[Anonymous]

Hi again, Lara and Ella,

I love the reason you cant go to counselling to face the fear. I couldn’t make the whole thing open to everyone and I definitely would not want to face the fear!! Just discovered this is a really really BIG problem for me!! After a few weeks off from school i started to think that there was no problem because obviously not going anywhere meant that i was not scared. Last night brought it all back though. I heard from a friend. My birthday is Saturday and they want me to go out. I tried to talk to my friend on msn that I just told about SP. It was awkward as we haven’t spoken about it since the emails! I’m not sure if she understands or whether she is just not talking about it to try to encourage me :? . Then my mum found out what they were asking and started to pressure me. I looked at it as a 1st step. But then the whole idea was by a friend who was on holiday so we couldn’t go out on Friday. Now I have had time to think about it I really cannot go. I was in such a state last night. I don’t think I can do this! she went to so much effort to say we will do lunch, less threatening than dinner etc, I still couldn’t do it. I feel so guilty though. Eating is a big thing for me in public and also I think it would be worse to do it with my friends than with strangers at this point if that makes sense. Sorry!

I like the idea of sharing problems though because it gives you some relief although I always worry I’m not explaining myself correctly, even now, plus once therapy is over all the effort to tell someone has gone as you loose the relationship with the person, not that I would actually talk to a therapist!!

A question for Richkid if he reads it?? or anyone who has studied A level or degree psychology. Do you feel that because you have this, in a way, its your fault because you know how to change it but cant? Also, that people might think you are just being silly as being too confident with what you have learnt to diagnose yourself. If I had the choice now, I would definitely do a psychology degree but couldn’t face it. Like richkid said its extremely interesting. I can’t explain but I just feel weird studying a little bit of it and suffering with this. I know that I’m not an expert or anything and not very good at it but still I liked it.

Thank you!

 

[Anonymous]

Hey, i know it must be real hard for you, but do go out with your friends! if u feel uncomfortable about eating in public, why don't u do something else instead? just go out for a drink or to the cinema... there are so many things u could do which wouldn't involve eating out... at least ur friend seems to care about u, even if she does not understand (which i can't tell since i don't know her). i guess it must be very hard for "normal" people, who don't suffer from SP, to understand what is going on in our minds...

i think u have to face ur fears if u want to get rid of them. i wish there was an easier way. i wish i could bring myself to start a therapy, i just don't have the courage. even though it might be easier talking to a therapist than talking to a friend, simply because i'd never have to see them again...

 

[Anonymous]

Hi Lara,

I just seem to be going round and round in circles! I don’t know how bad my SP is compared to other people. It seems really bad to me. I suppose everyone’s does to them though. I really don’t think I can get through this alone. I know I’m not really helping myself by not seeking help so I think I just have to accept that I will never fully recover. I don’t think it will help me but I am determined to try and force myself to do something whether it makes me ill or not. If I don’t go through with it like last time though it just makes it worse, because I feel like I have failed.

I think I have become dependent on this site reading what everyone has to say. It really helps though. The way I see it I have two choices; I can sit at home and not get a job and not go anywhere, or I can try to get a job and just hope I find a comfortable environment, which somehow boosts my confidence. Whenever I try to convince myself something, someone says something and then I’m back where I started. Maybe in the next few weeks I could make it to the cinema. I really am going to try.

When my friend tried to get me out the other day she said she was going to ring me. I was so scared. I dont know whether i done it right but i tried the breathing technique just before the phone rang. I couldnt believe it!! I was nevous still but it seemed to supress the pounding of my heart. I felt like an idiot though. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I just hope it works again if I remember to try it. For those that are almost recovered, do you just feel comfortable in social situations or do you have to continually talk yourself through an event and breathe differently??

Thank you

 

[Anonymous]

Hello again

The way I see it I have two choices; I can sit at home and not get a job and not go anywhere, or I can try to get a job and just hope I find a comfortable environment, which somehow boosts my confidence.

well, the way i see it u have more than these two choices (which aren't real choices anyway) u can still go and see a doctor. and please stop thinking that u can't! even if u feel like u couldn't do it, u should try at least! i know it's hard, not only for u. i looked for addresses in the yellow pages the other day, but i just couldn't bring myself to phone them! but i know i have to one day, because i don't want to go on like this for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!!! i'm really sorry to tell u this, but u sound as though u don't really WANT to change anything. on the one hand u seem to be really unhappy with the situation, but on the other hand u don't seem to mind very much if nothing changes ... well, i might be wrong and i certainly don't want to hurt u, but ur posts sound as though it's simply too much effort to change ur situation and so u'd rather go on like before. Think about it. And sorry again for being so honest to u. i just wish i could help u somehow ...

 

[Anonymous]

:arrow: I'm afraid of the phone as well. Yesterday I was forced to ring someone.. I practiced the conversation 5 times as I got more and more nervous. I picked up the phone and put it down heart racing... I practiced dialing the number in my head in case I do it wrong... It didn't help at all, I just get more nervous the more I hesitate... If you wait long enough you might give up thinking "I can't do it". So don't hesitate! 'Cause when I finally made the call I wasn't scared at all.

Good luck.

 

[Anonymous]

Hi Lara,

You know what your right! Thank you for pointing this out to me. I know it sounds strange but I was actually completely unaware of the way I sounded. Don’t feel bad about saying what you really thought. I am very grateful for it!! I have made my choice though, for definite that I do not wish to seek a doctors help, for many reasons. you did make me think and I know that i do want to change, but its just so so hard and unless you do have someone totally reliable it very very hard. What I meant exactly about waiting to find a comfortable environment at work was not me totally giving up. I meant that maybe that could be my new start because if I was to try changing now lots of people would notice and I think it would make it difficult for me. I get the same comments as others, like when I do say something, they say, ‘oh she spoke, be quite everyone, listen’ and that is so annoying. I still don’t think that I will ever ‘destroy’ my fear of rejection. I sort of feel that this is just ME and there isn’t much I can do to change it. One day seems promising and then the next day does not. I’m sorry to moan again when you have the exact same troubles. I just know that to recover is going to be the worse fear ever. When you experience fear towards a situation, and I don’t go, its comforting that the anxiety stops. I suppose subconsciously this is rewarding, even though I feel like I have failed. You have given me some enthusiasm to beat this again. I just know though that maybe in a few hours time I will feel so differently again! I am disappointed in myself. You are right it seems too much effort. I don’t know why I feel like this because I’m not a lazy person, I don’t think anyway. I’m always very determined and once I start something it must be finished. I think in between posting, speaking to the ‘normal’ people mix up my thoughts again. It’s not to I communicate on here with people in the same situation as me that it comes back into perspective. I hope that makes sense. I don’t really know what I think. Thank you for telling me this. I don’t think I would have noticed this myself no matter how obvious it seems. I just dont know how to keep going to get myself through the days. It feels like im wasting time.

Seeing as there is so many things I am afraid of, I don’t know what to tackle 1st.

I wish I could help people. In fact I would love to help people for any reason whether it was SP or not, but I always tell myself that if I cant sort myself out then how do I help others. I wish I could get a job helping people but its not realistic for me. What is your SP like- if you would like to share more? I always feel so bad just talking about myself.

Thanks for your advice NrvsGuest. It's so stupid not being able to use the phone isn’t it. Something so simple is so hard! I will try not to hesitate in future but its so difficult. I also do what you do, practicing etc…

Thank you both for your advice and for reading!!

 

[Anonymous]

Hello,

What I meant exactly about waiting to find a comfortable environment at work was not me totally giving up. I meant that maybe that could be my new start because if I was to try changing now lots of people would notice and I think it would make it difficult for me. I get the same comments as others, like when I do say something, they say, ‘oh she spoke, be quite everyone, listen’ and that is so annoying.

I know exactly what u mean because it's exactly what i used to think myself. But I'm afraid it doesn't work. Don't think that when u r in a new environment u'll behave differently, because u won't. And in the end it will be more or less the same, i.e. people noticing that u r so quiet and making stupid remarks if u do talk. At least that's what i experienced after school. Going to uni didn't change anything really. I mean, it was great at first, meeting lots of people that didn't know about me and i was less nervous about talking to them - but after the first few weeks my old problems were back. Like not being able to talk in class. Or when we went out for a drink after lessons just sitting there quietly and letting the others do the talking. Stuff like that. And after a while i also thought that people would notice if i changed. Seems to be typical of SP: u'd do almost anything not to be noticed ... Anyway, after my second year i went abroad for a year, whicht meant a completely new situation, new people - again. i thought this could be something like a new start because nobody knew me (and most important: my parents were far away too) and i thought i could finally behave the way i wanted to - with absolutely noone noticing if i behaved differently, not even my parents. Well, as u can imagine it didn't really help much. A new situation doesn't necessarily make u change ur thinking pattern. but that is what u have to do. i mean, it might help some, if u r lucky. Didn't do me any good though. Except that i've realized that i really need help and that i cannot go on like this.

 

[Anonymous]

As to my SP: it's worst when i have to talk to authority figures, like my lecturers. second is doing presentations in class or talking when there are more than two people listening. and i can never say my opinion openly because i always think that it's rubbish. i hardly ever say anything in class, not even when i'm asked directly. sometimes not even if i know the answer, which was the most depressing situation i've ever been in so far. i also feel nervous when i have to eat in public. not when i go to a restaurant with my parents but when i have lunch with my friends, but that at least has become better since i started studying at uni. it's also very bad whenever i have to do something in front of others, even very simple things like putting a piece of cake onto a plate and stuff like that. Asking people for the way or something like that isn't too bad though. Maybe because they are strangers and i won't see them again anyway. It's different on the phone though: i can never bring myself to ring someone i don't know: it makes me so nervous that i can hardly talk when i finally do ring them.
why is that? why are u afraid of other people? i know that i have always been like that. i've always preferred to be left alone. and i've always been very quiet in class and never said a thing ...

nrvsGuest: hey, it's great that u made the call and even greater that u weren't scared! Well done!!!

 

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Your always right, :lol: I suppose I agree that things really wont change, but I was just hoping. I feel like I just want to disappear. I know that if I don’t do something about this and had the choice I just wouldn’t do anything, go to work or anything. What are you going to do now you know you cant go on like this? I feel the same. How have you been coping all this time? Does anyone know about your SP? I still haven’t really spoken to my friend about it. I’ve seen her though and it was ok

On my birthday because I didnt go out, my two best friends popped over and gave me a present. They had never been before because obviously I’m scared that they will judge my room, or the house, even though that’s under control of my parents? Anyway I hate presents because I can’t unwrap it in front of them. I opened the box and then let my friend get it out. So I know exactly what you mean with the cake!!

As to my SP: it's worst when i have to talk to authority figures, like my lecturers. second is doing presentations in class or talking when there are more than two people listening. and i can never say my opinion openly because i always think that it's rubbish. i hardly ever say anything in class, not even when i'm asked directly. sometimes not even if i know the answer, which was the most depressing situation i've ever been in so far.

What you said here was exactly what it was like for me at school.

To be honest I have no idea why im afraid of people on the other end of the phone!! Its so strange. Ive always been like it aswell! (Good luck with the rest of your time at university ) I feel like im never going to grow up. Not phoning people etc was easy to get away with when your little. I really dont know how i will cope when i successfully get a job.

Thank you for your advice again

 

[Anonymous]

Be strong!

Hello!

It’s very hard indeed. I don’t know what I can say to help you. When real pain comes, when real fear comes we can see all the beautiful theories falling apart like they were sandcastles.

So what could I say?

I “believe” that we all have a very powerful force inside us, which frequently makes us do things that we don’t want to. Fine examples of this are the so called phobias, as well as “bad” habits we all have. I know that smoking is not good for me. I don’t want to smoke, but I do. Why?

That powerful force is called the subconscious. Maybe it’s a separated entity within us, constantly striking for power, always wanting to be in charge; and often finding it very easy to control us.

So, if this is true, aren’t we all a bunch of puppets, manipulated by this force?

That’s why I’m interested in the expansion of awareness, because I think that’s the key to understand and being in contact with the subconscious, which is said to contain all the power of the Universe.

Your fear is a weapon of your subconscious to control you. Is something that you will have to face if you want to destroy it.

How? I don’t know. Sorry! I couldn’t help me, neither.

Regards.


PS: A few years ago I realized that I suffered from social phobia (in other words, fear of people). I went to a psychologist and he gave me a prescription which helped me a lot. Of course my will was an important factor too.

It didn’t cure me. I still have a social phobia, but now I’m more able to control it.

Be strong :wink:

 

[Anonymous]

well, actually i have a pretty good idea where my fear of people comes from. i mean, i've always been pretty shy and never said much, but i don't think that that's necessarily the same as sp. it's got a lot to do with education. ur early experiences. and so on. something to do with ur subconscious. i don't really want to go into detail about my early experiences, not now at any rate, maybe at some later point. the thing is, i don't really know what to do even though i know where it comes from, why i am like this. some people think that if u know the reason u can do something against it, but it's not so easy. unfortunately u can't change ur past. i really ought to see a doctor but as i wrote earlier i simply couldn't face a therapy at the moment. not only because of sp, but there are other reasons as well. for one thing i don't think i could see it through alone: i haven't got any real friends and my parents won't be able to help me either. they know about my problem (how shouldn't they, after all my teachers told them i was too quiet and should change something ...), even if they don't know that there's a name for it. but they have very big problems themselves, with each other. in short, i don't know why they are still married at all doesn't really help me if i have to listen to them arguing all the time, even when i need them most. even when i try to tell them about my problems, they only listen to me for a minute or so and then they start reproaching each other, like my mother says it's my father's fault because he never had time for me and my father says it's my mother's fault because she was always too worried. i guess both of them are right in a way, but they just don't see that they aren't helping me at all. and whenever i tell them to stop arguing they tell me not to interrupt since i have no idea what i'm talking about. or worse, they say "oh, yes, i'm so sorry, everything will be alright, we won't argue any longer" and then they continue to shout at each other as though i wasn't there at all. i'm sorry, got a bit carried away there, but this is enough to make me feel depressed, even without the sp. anyway, i don't really know how to face a therapy if i don't get any support from my parents. those of u who did go to cbt, did u have to get through it on your own, or did u have friends / family who were there for u? because i feel like there is noone who will be there for me when i need them ...
sorry if this post is a bit confusing. i just don't know how to express myself ... but thanks for reading anyway

 

[Anonymous]

oh, by the way, happy belated birthday!!!

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Be strong!

Hi,
Thank you!
Lara I didn’t realise when you asked where my fear of people came from you meant SP as a whole. I thought you were just referring to the phone alone, (I suppose the reason for my SP would explain that as well thinking about it now. Only I cant convince myself that I will never see the person or speak to them again, but I still cant go through with it) My SP I think came from a similar experience to you. It wasn’t just a bad phase. It was just my childhood as a whole which is why it just seems like my nature. I had a good upbringing but I guess due to genetics etc I just had a predisposition to this condition. Nothing bad happened. Its just silly comments, and meaningless events, which have stuck with me along the way. This is why I feel bad moaning on here when others have worst things that have triggered their phobia. My parents are proud of my brother who gets full marks for everything. My whole family talk about him constantly. Sometimes I can say the same thing as him but they will only go with what he says, not what they agree with. I think maybe his success and confidence maybe left me feeling insecure as my family judged him on his achievements. He seems perfect. A lot of the time through schooling I have been compared on performance and even on things not on an educational level. While he is home from university I cannot talk at all as he dominants everything. He’s not a bad person, its just the way it makes me feel. So as you said the whole education process has effected me too. My previous results have been average which are not bad but I have trouble accepting it when I feel like I have to meet up to brothers expectations.

My teachers have also said things to my parents on open evenings. My mum and dad say the whole evening is a waste of time because all the teachers’ focus on is saying that I am too quite. If they had taught my brother, the rest of the appointment would be discussing how he was getting on.

My mum tends to worry a lot, although she doesn’t have a fear of people or anything like that. So I think I get my nervousness from her. She is also quite negative about everything so I tend to pick up on this as well. I’m also quite self conscious of my weight. Again due to the way people would judge me. I hate to admit it but its made me quite obsessive about it. I think this comes from my family again joking about but the comments have stuck with me. My parents also argue alot and it has got worse lately. My mum misses my brother when he is away and she gets irritable. They to shout at each other.

So I think it was definitely hereditary and the environment. You are right though, whether you know the cause or not it really cannot help you. Well maybe a few people. Some may have been able to train themselves to think that they are not being judged but you can always think of a situation or a person that it has happened. The whole thing is a vicious circle and I need support from someone, who will not let me down and will always be there.

Thank you for sharing what you said. I hope it helped you as it did me sorry about the tough time you have had.

IAM I couldn’t have said it better about the theories and sandcastles!! Thank you for your advice! About your smoking. I think working out why you smoke may be useful even if its not for SP. Do you like something to do with your hands? Is it your environment that the people you interact with smoke? It is pure addiction? Maybe you could try displacing your activity with another. You said you don’t want to smoke. Rather than thinking about stopping, just spontaneously decide to, see how long you can go for and you may be surprised, then keep it up. Easier said than done. Maybe your smoking helps to calm your nerves and keeps your mind active which eases your phobia? Sorry I don’t know you and have never smoked so I don’t really know what im talking about. Sorry just ignore me, good luck with stopping though if you choose to. (i hope i didnt offend you) I think your environment and genetics builds the subconscious desires that you are talking about. The subconscious id which is created can tell us what to do and therefore in context what we think??

Your fear is a weapon of your subconscious to control you. Is something that you will have to face if you want to destroy it.

This has certainly made me think.

Thank for your advice.

 

[Anonymous]

Be strong!

Hello.

My parents are proud of my brother who gets full marks for everything. My whole family talk about him constantly.

You remind me of my cousin... He's only a half year older than me. My aunt had been comparing everyone(whose marks are better) with him everyday. Sadly my marks were better. So their lives began to revolve around me! Aunt was a very competitive person. She yelled at him everyday - and almost all she talked about were comparing marks... His marks did not change. But I guess his confidence did. It boosted my confidence, strangely, so I guess that's why my SP wasn't too bad. Now I moved and have little contact with them. So I guess he's better off now.
And this:

Maybe your smoking helps to calm your nerves and keeps your mind active which eases your phobia? Sorry I don’t know you and have never smoked so I don’t really know what im talking about. Sorry just ignore me, good luck with stopping though if you choose to. (i hope i didnt offend you) I think your environment and genetics builds the subconscious desires that you are talking about. The subconscious id which is created can tell us what to do and therefore in context what we think??

See that? Low confidence is bad 'cause when you don't trust yourself you'll never try to improve, you'll give up and end up worse. Worse and worse. You are very unfortunate to be in this situation. My advice is that just don't care what your parents say. And your brother isn't perfect. No one is perfect. You must believe that you can be better than him... Ok I'm sorry! Sorry I know it's easier said than done...