"Platonic" by me

dpr

Well-known member
you're real, you're safe
you've got my back
you're grounded, and with you
i'm on the right track

you're loving, you're giving
you make me feel good
you understand me
like i thought no one could

emotions attack
when i think about her
she's reckless and ****ed up
a mean drunk for sure

she's sad and in pain
but tries not to show it
she's nowhere and hopeless
she'd hurt me I know it

when you don't know yourself
it's hard to say "wouldn't"
it's hard to say "never"
or "no way, i couldn't"

it's all or it's nothing
there's no middle ground
she's just one more
i'll learn to not be around

the wrong way's inside me
and it won't ever quit
i want the bad choices
cuz bad is the shit
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
But it wasn't. You just wrote the typical angry teenage poem that no one really cares about. I do compliment the fact that you're writing, since reading and writing is good for the soul, but the poem was fairly poor.

And T.S. Eliot is one of the most inspirational poets I've read, be it cliché or not. I'm glad you knew it was him, though.
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
That's not very nice, especially on a Social Anxiety forum.

It's not nice anywhere, but it's true. I admit that it wasn't the most constructive feedback one could give, but if you're going to sugarcoat everything on this forum, then it's not going to help anyone. Things are what they are, and we have to treat them as such to improve and help others as well. If people come here to hear things like "it's okay, if you suffer from anxiety when you go out, then don't go out because I do the same", they'll never be able to climb out of that hole.
 

Xavier91

Active member
yeah Sacrament, but constructive critiscism counts as more helpful than just plain "its sucks"
anyway, id like to see u give a go at it, see how well you do
, and dont worry, i wont sugarcoat it :)
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
I don't really need to prove myself by posting some of my own work.

Either way, I'll give constructive criticism a go: the poem gives the reader nothing to wonder about. There are no metaphors, no images to grab the reader and make him/her travel within the words themselves. Also, if you want to write a literature piece, you must look out for proper spelling. You lose credibility if you type things like "cuz." It ends the poem on a really bad note, also considering that the last verse is "cuz bad is the shit." That is not a good literature piece. I get it, you suffer and you want to let it out, but this is more like a diary entry than a poem. The language is plain and simple, straight to the point, holds no mystery and is just not interesting or attention-grabbing. It's been done over and over and over again. Also, the rhyme feels forced.
 
Last edited:
Laundry

I like it :). Sacrament I've heard you say that before to other people, is that just a generic thing you say? or maybe that was "terrible" or something. It's 'than' a poem by the way, not then.
 
Last edited:

Ursula

Active member
I think it's quite a good poem- when it ends with 'cuz bad is the shit' he's using that sort of immature '13 year old trying to sound tough' phraseology to mock his own emotional immaturity. Err.. that was how I read it anyway. The poem is too funny and knowing to be as crap as Sacrament thinks. I have to take issue with dpr though for calling poor old T.S. Eliot 'pretentious' as he is one of my faves.
 

dpr

Well-known member
I think it's quite a good poem- when it ends with 'cuz bad is the shit' he's using that sort of immature '13 year old trying to sound tough' phraseology to mock his own emotional immaturity. Err.. that was how I read it anyway. The poem is too funny and knowing to be as crap as Sacrament thinks. I have to take issue with dpr though for calling poor old T.S. Eliot 'pretentious' as he is one of my faves.

Yes, mocking myself... but also because it is much like my own everyday vocabulary... I regularly say "That is the shit," instead of "That pleases me," so I don't see any problem with putting it in a poem. And I *am* emotionally immature, so it's perfect. lol

And you're right, it was meant to be a "tongue-in-cheek" poem.
 

dpr

Well-known member
the poem gives the reader nothing to wonder about. There are no metaphors, no images to grab the reader and make him/her travel within the words themselves. Also, if you want to write a literature piece, you must look out for proper spelling. You lose credibility if you type things like "cuz." It ends the poem on a really bad note, also considering that the last verse is "cuz bad is the shit." That is not a good literature piece. I get it, you suffer and you want to let it out, but this is more like a diary entry then a poem. The language is plain and simple, straight to the point, holds no mystery and is just not interesting or attention-grabbing. It's been done over and over and over again. Also, the rhyme feels forced.

You know, I sort of agree with you. I have to admit the poem is not one of my best. I was actually kind of buzzed when I wrote it and I'm not that happy with it, but the reason I'm not happy with it is cuz some of the rhymes just don't feel right to me. But you seem to not like the language and the style, which I have to disagree with, cuz I think those are its strong points.

I also agree that we can't coddle each other just cuz it's a SA forum. It wouldn't be fair of me to put up a poem and then get pissed when someone critiques it. Of course, as someone pointed out, "Terrible poem" isn't much of a critique, so I'm glad you eventually elaborated. Otherwise I would have just thought you were being a troll.

But you have an opinion and I like that. I like getting the critique, because a lot of times I'll write a poem and assume that everyone will think it's great and when that feeling I have is confirmed, there's a tendency to get lazy and not try to improve on anything, stylistically. Hearing why someone doesn't like my stuff is important to me, cuz it forces me to attempt to re-read the poem from where they stand, and figure out what problems they have with it.

As for your critique, I think you are suffering from the impression that art is not subjective. In which case, I think you need serious artistic cleansing.

Just your manner of critiquing me with stuff like "The poem is very poor" and "that is not a good literature piece" shows me that you are one of those people who still think poetry has to conform to some sublime standard (maybe you've been reading too much Longinus or something)

Your problem seems to be my use of slang (like "cuz") and the fact that there are no metaphors or flowery speech, nothing to "make the poem stand out," or whatever. I guess I am just in a minamilist phase with the cadence, but honestly... I hate big words and flowery speech. It's cringe-inducing, and if anything it just makes a poem sound/feel forced. I say **** that pedantic shit.

And why would I inject metaphors into a poem that doesn't call for it?

In my opinion, yours is the same kind of logic that leads music snobs to say that Neil Young sucks because he only plays major and minor chords on guitar, even though I would take a Neil Young song over most jazz or classical any day (not that I don't like the latter, but the former speaks to me more, it's more raw and real in my opinion). And saying a poem can't be good without lots of metaphors is like saying a piece of music can't be good without slurs. The use of metaphors is a tool and nothing more. And in my opinion, it's a tool that's been overused by hacks for centuries. It can be good, but 99% of the time it is overused, resulting in a predictable and boring piece of poetry.

As for your qualms with the teenage angsty subject, the poem is about my life, my issues, specifically something that happened to me a few weeks ago... so I wrote about it. I felt no need to "dress up" the poem because I wrote what I felt needed to be written. But yeah, I don't really get you using the word "teenage" to describe it. You'll have to explain that more for me to understand.

Also, I'm curious. What credibility have I lost? Credibility in the world of poetry? If that's the case, I think I'll live haha... Seriously though, I don't give two shits whether some laureate or professor who jacks off to the Norton Anthology every night thinks I'm a "credible poet." But since you think slang and bad spelling destroys your credibility, you should probably tell Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg, Salinger, Miller, Bukowski... you know... all those hacks.

I'm not glad I know who Eliot is. They made us read that shit in school. His shit is pretty bad, even for his time. And it's so typical of a poetry snob to quote something like Eliot. It's like a painter who disses your paintings and then tells you to be more like Picasso. lol... I'm sorry, but that shit is boring and dead and has only led to literary theory students throwing a bunch of "alas'" and "prithees" into a modern poem in a vain attempt to make them worth reading.

I think what's happening here is that you have just plain never heard of "minimalist poetry" (i.e. plain and simple, straight to the point). Maybe you should put down the T.S. Eliot and check out Amir Sulaiman, or Enola Cola, or some minimalist authors even, like Chuck Palahniuk. Though maybe you shouldn't check it out, since you obviously don't like it. A lot of people don't seem to like it, actually, especially "old school" fans.

Finally, as Ursula aptly explained, the whole poem is kind of "tongue-in-cheek" with Dr. Seuss style cadence... so see, it's not that my style is poor, it's that the poem is over your head! haha I'm kidding, obviously. But for what it's worth, it was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. I am also a big fan of "writing how one would talk." I know there's probably some technical word for that poetic device, but I don't know what it is. E.E. Cummings, William S. Burroughs type of style I guess, since those are among my favorite "literary heroes." Basically, I don't like filling poems with vocabulary I wouldn't use normally. I don't like doing that when I write essays or stories, either. It just feels forced and fake to me.

But honestly, I totally hate almost all poetry, so it could be the fact that I am so disconnected with whatever you happen to think "real" or "true" poetry is or should be. Maybe that's why my stuff seems like a total hack job to you. Or I could just plain suck haha...
 
Last edited:

Riiya

Well-known member
I don't really need to prove myself by posting some of my own work.

Either way, I'll give constructive criticism a go: the poem gives the reader nothing to wonder about. There are no metaphors, no images to grab the reader and make him/her travel within the words themselves. Also, if you want to write a literature piece, you must look out for proper spelling. You lose credibility if you type things like "cuz." It ends the poem on a really bad note, also considering that the last verse is "cuz bad is the shit." That is not a good literature piece. I get it, you suffer and you want to let it out, but this is more like a diary entry then a poem. The language is plain and simple, straight to the point, holds no mystery and is just not interesting or attention-grabbing. It's been done over and over and over again. Also, the rhyme feels forced.

Are you sure you're in Portugal? I could've sworn I know someone who would say the exact same thing, but he lives in New York and he's Mexican.

Anyway, I mostly agree with you.
 

lettypagb

Well-known member
i liked it, yall dont know what yall talkin about , he really knows how to writ, yall that jus dont get good stuffs.
 
Last edited:
Top