the poem gives the reader nothing to wonder about. There are no metaphors, no images to grab the reader and make him/her travel within the words themselves. Also, if you want to write a literature piece, you must look out for proper spelling. You lose credibility if you type things like "cuz." It ends the poem on a really bad note, also considering that the last verse is "cuz bad is the shit." That is not a good literature piece. I get it, you suffer and you want to let it out, but this is more like a diary entry then a poem. The language is plain and simple, straight to the point, holds no mystery and is just not interesting or attention-grabbing. It's been done over and over and over again. Also, the rhyme feels forced.
You know, I sort of agree with you. I have to admit the poem is not one of my best. I was actually kind of buzzed when I wrote it and I'm not that happy with it, but the reason I'm not happy with it is cuz some of the rhymes just don't feel right to me. But you seem to not like the language and the style, which I have to disagree with, cuz I think those are its strong points.
I also agree that we can't coddle each other just cuz it's a SA forum. It wouldn't be fair of me to put up a poem and then get pissed when someone critiques it. Of course, as someone pointed out, "Terrible poem" isn't much of a critique, so I'm glad you eventually elaborated. Otherwise I would have just thought you were being a troll.
But you have an opinion and I like that. I like getting the critique, because a lot of times I'll write a poem and assume that everyone will think it's great and when that feeling I have is confirmed, there's a tendency to get lazy and not try to improve on anything, stylistically. Hearing why someone doesn't like my stuff is important to me, cuz it forces me to attempt to re-read the poem from where they stand, and figure out what problems they have with it.
As for your critique, I think you are suffering from the impression that art is not subjective. In which case, I think you need serious artistic cleansing.
Just your manner of critiquing me with stuff like "The poem is very poor" and "that is not a good literature piece" shows me that you are one of those people who still think poetry has to conform to some sublime standard (maybe you've been reading too much Longinus or something)
Your problem seems to be my use of slang (like "cuz") and the fact that there are no metaphors or flowery speech, nothing to "make the poem stand out," or whatever. I guess I am just in a minamilist phase with the cadence, but honestly... I hate big words and flowery speech. It's cringe-inducing, and if anything it just makes a poem sound/feel forced. I say **** that pedantic shit.
And why would I inject metaphors into a poem that doesn't call for it?
In my opinion, yours is the same kind of logic that leads music snobs to say that Neil Young sucks because he only plays major and minor chords on guitar, even though I would take a Neil Young song over most jazz or classical any day (not that I don't like the latter, but the former speaks to me more, it's more raw and real in my opinion). And saying a poem can't be good without lots of metaphors is like saying a piece of music can't be good without slurs. The use of metaphors is a tool and nothing more. And in my opinion, it's a tool that's been overused by hacks for centuries. It can be good, but 99% of the time it is overused, resulting in a predictable and boring piece of poetry.
As for your qualms with the teenage angsty subject, the poem is about my life, my issues, specifically something that happened to me a few weeks ago... so I wrote about it. I felt no need to "dress up" the poem because I wrote what I felt needed to be written. But yeah, I don't really get you using the word "teenage" to describe it. You'll have to explain that more for me to understand.
Also, I'm curious. What credibility have I lost? Credibility in the world of poetry? If that's the case, I think I'll live haha... Seriously though, I don't give two shits whether some laureate or professor who jacks off to the Norton Anthology every night thinks I'm a "credible poet." But since you think slang and bad spelling destroys your credibility, you should probably tell Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg, Salinger, Miller, Bukowski... you know... all those hacks.
I'm not glad I know who Eliot is. They made us read that shit in school. His shit is pretty bad, even for his time. And it's so typical of a poetry snob to quote something like Eliot. It's like a painter who disses your paintings and then tells you to be more like Picasso. lol... I'm sorry, but that shit is boring and dead and has only led to literary theory students throwing a bunch of "alas'" and "prithees" into a modern poem in a vain attempt to make them worth reading.
I think what's happening here is that you have just plain never heard of "minimalist poetry" (i.e. plain and simple, straight to the point). Maybe you should put down the T.S. Eliot and check out Amir Sulaiman, or Enola Cola, or some minimalist authors even, like Chuck Palahniuk. Though maybe you shouldn't check it out, since you obviously don't like it. A lot of people don't seem to like it, actually, especially "old school" fans.
Finally, as Ursula aptly explained, the whole poem is kind of "tongue-in-cheek" with Dr. Seuss style cadence... so see, it's not that my style is poor, it's that the poem is over your head! haha I'm kidding, obviously. But for what it's worth, it was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. I am also a big fan of "writing how one would talk." I know there's probably some technical word for that poetic device, but I don't know what it is. E.E. Cummings, William S. Burroughs type of style I guess, since those are among my favorite "literary heroes." Basically, I don't like filling poems with vocabulary I wouldn't use normally. I don't like doing that when I write essays or stories, either. It just feels forced and fake to me.
But honestly, I totally hate almost all poetry, so it could be the fact that I am so disconnected with whatever you happen to think "real" or "true" poetry is or should be. Maybe that's why my stuff seems like a total hack job to you. Or I could just plain suck haha...