People touching me at work

[R3K]

Hello all. Now, i rarely rarely ask for advice on things cause i like to figure everything out myself, but this situation is just too extreme for me even. Quick back-story:

I got a new job as a server/waiter at my friend's restaraunt who's the main chef there. It's a retirement community with companion/caretakers who watch over the residents, who are in their 80s and 90s etc.

Now the situation: My anxiety levels are already very high just trying to deal with the basics of the job itself. Now throw in the cute 22 year old girl who frequently places her hand on my shoulder or back presumeably just to let me know she's behind me, so we don't bump into each other in the hectic, fast-moving restaraunt environment. Then add the walk-by finger brushes against my rear as she saunters along with her hand open and outstretched in some kind of catwalk model strut or something...

and oh, it gets better... apparently there's a large clique of filipinos who comprise the majority of the caretakers at the place (prob about a dozen of them.) And my friend and boss has informed me that some of the male ones are "bi." This after i make the acquantence of one who has taken a liking to doing this little side pinch move on me. I've just laughed or said hi or whats up or whatever, not thinking it was any kind of sexual advance. But when my friend told me the guy was gay, it dumped an enormous lump of additional anxiety on my already overloaded plate.

I'm not homo-phobic (someone who hates gays,) but i'm definately not interested in trying out that lifestyle. How do I deter this guy's advances without pissing anyone off (him and his clique?) And how do I deal with this super-social 22 year old chick who's clearly out of my league (and age bracket)?

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Sometimes, pissing people off is inevitable. This may be one of those times. Pull him aside and ask him if he would please stop doing that to you because it makes you uncomfortable. If he doesn't, then be more forceful and tell him to knock it off. If all else fails, tell your boss.

As for the girl, well, you've got to do the same. Ask her to please stop touching you like that. However, the "out of your league" statement bothers me. Why do you believe that?

 

[R3K]

Sometimes, pissing people off is inevitable. This may be one of those times. Pull him aside and ask him if he would please stop doing that to you because it makes you uncomfortable. If he doesn't, then be more forceful and tell him to knock it off. If all else fails, tell your boss.

i probably would take a hard-edge response like you're suggesting, except he's got all his filipino buddies that i'm afraid of appearing excessively villainous and anti-gay toward. i had to interact with him today, and thankfully there was no grabby grabby junk goin on.

i'm starting to wonder if it's my posture... i'm zipping around the dining room with a tray held above my head and i walk on my toes with my back all straight-- do i look gay walking like this? cause i'm just trying to keep good balance and be swift. it's like an unwanted side-effect of trying to be a good waiter or something

As for the girl, well, you've got to do the same. Ask her to please stop touching you like that. However, the "out of your league" statement bothers me. Why do you believe that?

-cause i'm an active member on a social phobia site. but, for real, this chick is having the time of her life, big party girl and apparently wontonly flirty with almost anyone. trust me i've spent a good amount of time fathoming how i'd compete with the dozens of younger guys that must be vying for her attention constantly. just not something i really want to expend effort on at the moment XD

 

[DeadmanWalking]

It'd be "excessively villainous and anti-gay" if you called him out in front of everyone and called him derogatory slurs. Just nicely asking someone to stop doing something isn't bad. If they take it hardly and threaten you, then tell someone.

I meant what I said in the context of you liking her somewhere in your heart. If you don't want to be in a relationship with her, then that's fine, but this won't go away if you close your eyes and ears. You need to talk to her and set things straight with her and the other guy. Or else they're going to take your lack of negative reaction as "He's okay with this. I can keep doing this."

 

[Chloegirl]

It's sucks to have to be direct with these individuals, but usually people will back off if you are direct. They may not like you for awhile or maybe ever (due to feeling rejected or maybe embarrassed), but at least they might stop. It is a tough situation, but I think being firm, but not approaching them in anger, will help. Maybe tell them that you do not want to start trouble, but their actions are making you feel uncomfortable. I agree that if you don't address them, they might think you don't care or even worse, that you're interested. I wish you luck and hope all turns out well so you can focus on your job with less anxiety!

 

[R3K]

It'd be "excessively villainous and anti-gay" if you called him out in front of everyone and called him derogatory slurs. Just nicely asking someone to stop doing something isn't bad. If they take it hardly and threaten you, then tell someone.

i'm gonna give it one or two more days. It was three days in a row he did the little pinch my side move, but today he didn't. maybe he's somehow gotten the hint. if he does it again though i'm gonna be like "ah, you can't pinch me while i'm working i might drop stuff." or something.

I meant what I said in the context of you liking her somewhere in your heart. If you don't want to be in a relationship with her, then that's fine, but this won't go away if you close your eyes and ears. You need to talk to her and set things straight with her and the other guy. Or else they're going to take your lack of negative reaction as "He's okay with this. I can keep doing this."

ahhh... the girl was actually the side issue initially *deep breath*. a little info-dump peice about her: she's taking college classes and working full time, her mom just left to mexico, she drinks a little more than average, goes to clubs and bars with friends, concerts, smokes weed, she's 10 yrs younger than me.

now the complicated part: there's another waiter dude we work with who's basically my social opposite. big horn dog with huge muscles, outspoken, flirty (with her and the female caretakers).

i'm not an expert on how women's minds work, but i kinda get the impression she's a bit spurn-ish of his advances on her, and my panicky mind automatically interprets her flirtations with myself as just some superficial manouver to throw him off. that she's not interested in either of us. gad i'm so confused, i was just tryin to learn this job and be a good worker but all these chaotic flirt wars goin on around me really aint helpin.

i actually hung out with her on lunch break twice over the past few weeks and she talked my ears off both times. first time i was walking to the plaza across the street to get a boba tea and she pulled up next to me and said hey where yougoin blah blah get in. so i was like ok and she told me her whole life story in like one breath. the other time she was asking me all kinds of questions about boba and teas and what was good that they served over at the place there, and i felt like it was a lead-in to ask her if she wanted to go there to lunch, but i didn't pull the trigger at that point. when lunch came i was sitting outside the backdoor w/my buddy and she walked by w/her purse and without thinking i asked her where she was going and she said she was going to get that tea. i felt like i was in a crux and that if i didn't go with her i'd feel like a loser later on so i kinda invited myself along with her, and she seemed ok with it. if there wasn't such a great age disparity i might consider asking her on a proper date or something.

I agree that if you don't address them, they might think you don't care or even worse, that you're interested. I wish you luck and hope all turns out well so you can focus on your job with less anxiety!

consequently, i'm having residual anxiety over my having invited myself to go eat w/her when she possibly didn't want any company. i can't seem to avoid the anxiety in this whole debacle no matter what move i make (or don't make XD).

sorry for the long post, i suppose this is little more than a tangled, rambling rant at this point. and thanks for reading/replying btw ::

 

[Qurion2]

it doesnt exacly have to be an attempt to flirt
but netherless, in the end you can decide what you let happen and what you dont let happen.
you "shouldnt" be afraid of things which you are capable of controlling...

i dont think there is ever a real reason to piss off somebody... except they try to tell you into something
you could aswell ask this dude for his intention, and ask how it is meant, then dependent on the answer you could explain that you arent gay etc

i for my part... i wouldnt let people touch me at all, i find it disturbing and too close...