Parent Confrontation

[Interzone]

Obviously, sometimes it can be kind of apparent when someone is a bit lonely or doesn't do exactly what your parents expect you to be doing at a certain age.

Occasionally, I get confronted by my mother and she asks me things like why don't I go out or bring any friends home and stuff. She also asks me if I am interested in girls which really bothers me because I don't see how that's relevant to anything so I refuse to answer that question. Anyways, these topics are really sensitive to me being someone with SA. The second my mom confronts me with them, I go ballistic. By ballistic, I mean getting into a heated and emotional argument over what's normal and what's not, how everyone is not the same, and this and that.

It always end in a stalemate, and the questioning sessions keep reoccurring occasionally. Obviously I launch myself into a tirade, because if there's one thing I will NEVER do. Is admit to my parents that I have SA.

1. I don't want them to think something is wrong with me (they already do, but whatever, the arguments make them think otherwise for a little while).

2. I don't want them to worry about me.

3. I don't want their help when it comes to SA or ANYTHING related to it.

4. I'll be DAMNED, if I ever admit having SA to them.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I trust them, and I know they want the best for me, but talking about really personal things about myself with them is just something out of the question. I don't feel comfortable doing it (not that I do with anyone, but ESPECIALLY not them).

/endRANT

So how do you guys and girls feel about being confronted by your parent(s)?

 

[Harleyq]

I don't get confronted anymore but when I did, it was extremely uncomfortable. I did the opposite of what you did - I just didn't say anything and waited for them to go away. I told my dad when I turned 18 and he didn't want to admit I had any problems. He was pretty much like "Oh, you're just shy. There's nothing wrong with you" - he reluctantly took me to get help and then I let the therapist inform him that I had an "unusually high level of negative thinking." Now that he's more aware, when we talk on the phone he tells me "Try not to be so anxious" when I talk about problems - it doesn't help, but I like that he knows, and that he acknowledges it and supports me now. I think overall, telling him was a good thing to do.

My mom is a different story. To make it short, she can go to Hell. I consider her to be a MAJOR reason why I developed SA in the first place.

 

[blue-roses]

I want my parents to know, and I tell them I have SA and get them to read articles about it, because I can't talk too much about it without bursting into tears. I can't talk about what actually goes on in my head because I just won't be able to hold myself together for long enough.

My dad had SA when he was my age, so he understands, but he's a selfish person and is always off in his own little world and most of the time when I say anything - about anything - to him, he either replies "hmmm...." and goes and does something else or doesn't reply at all.

My mum always asks me WHY I'm depressed and/or anxious and can't accept that some people just ARE depressed and anxious. She thinks something has to happen externally for you to feel a certain way. She feels sorry for me, and I know she worries about me, but I can also tell she's frustrated that I don't just "stop being so shy and anxious!" She's always telling me to "get a thicker skin"...not angrily or anything, but it's really not helpful...

 

[Noca]

My parents both know I have SA, but only my mom believes in mental illnesses, not my dad.

 

[Interzone]

Goddamnit, I would just hate it for my parents to know. I deny EVERYTHING.

 

[scarletlee]

My parents never confronted me in a way which I thought was helpful. I’m 30 now and I haven’t lived with them for 15 years so it’s not really an issue anymore. When i was still living with them they used to ask me why I was so unhappy or they would say that really annoying line about how I have nothing to be stressed about and teenage years should be happy and fun. It was like they didn't want to know about my problems and they always made me feel like I was creating tension in the house.. when I suggested I would leave home they more or less told me it was a good idea. My dad was going through hard times back then and I guess they didn’t want any added stress in the house, or at least that's the way I’ve always seen it.
Anyway I never really told them about my SA until recently. I was driving my mum back to her house and she started to ask me all these questions out of nowhere. It took me by surprise, and because we were in the car together I couldn’t really escape the situation. She was asking what happened all those years ago, why I was the way I am. What happened to make me such a nervous person and have no self confidence.
It all seemed a little too late but seeing as she was actually interested and I really can’t be bothered to hide it anymore I told her that I had Social anxiety. She looked a bit confused when I was trying to explain what it is. I have seen her a couple of times since then and she hasn’t brought it up at all. It’s really weird. I think she is uncomfortable talking about it, maybe she feels a little guilty for not being there for me. It’s always strange talking with parents about personal issues and I guess they all handle it differently, some come on too strong with all the questions and some ignore problems in the hope they will disappear.

 

[redski]

Well I have this parent thing with my father.
I think I shame him, that I am such and such old forever single have
no potential prospects of marriage and kids. Worst part is
that I still live at home so I cannot do much but sit there and
have to take it. I just boil inside. I mean I am not happy with
the way my life currently is but it makes me feel so much
worse when,my dad especially, puts pressure on me to marry
and have kids. He even told me that he is afraid I am going
to end up one of those "forever single bachelors" (no offense to anyone).

It upsets me. Is this about me or about him.
To me it feels like it's about him. Anyone?

 

[danstelter]

My parents know that I have struggled with anxiety, but they are completely clueless as to what extent. As in your case, Interzone, I found that telling them just made things worse so I pushed them out. Once I got out on my own, I found myself doing quite well and I found other people to talk to about social anxiety, which worked out pretty well once I found the right people. If you want to get better from SA, you have to talk to somebody about it, and sometimes, that is simply not possible with our parents.

If you are under their roof, you'll have to do your best until you get out from under it, and talk to who you can about your struggles. Good luck, and remember there are many other people out there who know what you're going through!

 

[releaseme]

i read stories all the time of how kids today never want to talk to their parents about what bothers them.
sounds familiar...all too familiar

my father died when i was very young. i barely remember him, let alone the who he was.
then my step father seemed to enjoy beating on me...and my mother always walked away.
not to mention their constant partying and drug use.

today...i have no clue where my mother is. no clue. for all i know, she could be dead.
there have been several times these last 10-15 years or so, that i have really missed that relationship.
if only i had been strong enough to admit to my mother...back then.
but instead...i said things like...go to hell, get the **** out of my face...etc.
if only i didnt let my fears control my behaviors and thinking.
i might know her today. and we might have a relationship.

the day you have a child, you will realize the importance of many things.
and communication is one of those things.

you may see their questioning you, as invading your privacy...or whatever.
but being a parent myself...that questioning comes from one thing.
the love for my child.

my son and i have a profound close relationship today.
he knows, he can come to me and talk about "anything"
and that...is what a parent is there for.
never judging...always loving.

if only we could see through our parents eyes...
have a kid...and you will

from what i gather...parents today are closed minded
they dont understand their kids.
its not about, trying to understand them
its about accepting everything about them...even their flaws.
its sad to see...parents are more disconnected, than their kids.
and i could go on and on...but

 

[reslo]

i got yelled at by my mom a few days because im such a loser. she said she was going to just leave for a few days. (she didn't) i tend to get quiet in confrontation- and just try to gently diffuse the situation... but i will get a job, collect a couple paychecks, and i should be getting a car from a relative in a few days, and i will drive off and away, and just move out. both of my parents are really on my back about my lack of doing anything.

parents aren't always reasonable or realistic. (don't worry, i've gotten the sexuality questions too, i've been asked many times if i want to see a family therapist, if i want to go join a church group, i've gotten some other questions too that undermine my character- they don't understand. i worked a night job for 3 hours a night- and they thought i stayed in my room all day because i was sleeping? uh are you stupid- i work 3 hours a day! who in their right mind would need to sleep 15+ hours a day??? i didn't say that, but i ended up quitting that job because i got sick of the harassment- oh you're tired, you're tired aren't you, shouldn't you take a nap because you have to work? )


so bottom line, move out, save up, make goals and make yourself happy- you cannot make anybody else happy

(but at the same time, you don't need to yell at your parents for it- i know you're young and some of this is residual teen angst- the feeling of "I hate you- you're controlling my life!" is NORMAL, and we need to feel this way or yeah we would live with mom and dad forever.)

and sometimes it helps to think about what should a person do if they're the parent and their kid is secluding themselves- and parents really don't know what to do.

and that was a really honest post, releaseme

 

[PunkRotten]

I think you are going about it the wrong way. Its your ego in front of it all. I do agree wiht some things you mention, like I dont like to be constantly hassled about soemthing or told how to live etc. But when it comes down to it, you are only making it harder for yourself by hiding your problems.

 

[PunkRotten]

i read stories all the time of how kids today never want to talk to their parents about what bothers them.
sounds familiar...all too familiar

my father died when i was very young. i barely remember him, let alone the who he was.
then my step father seemed to enjoy beating on me...and my mother always walked away.
not to mention their constant partying and drug use.

today...i have no clue where my mother is. no clue. for all i know, she could be dead.
there have been several times these last 10-15 years or so, that i have really missed that relationship.
if only i had been strong enough to admit to my mother...back then.
but instead...i said things like...go to hell, get the **** out of my face...etc.
if only i didnt let my fears control my behaviors and thinking.
i might know her today. and we might have a relationship.

the day you have a child, you will realize the importance of many things.
and communication is one of those things.

you may see their questioning you, as invading your privacy...or whatever.
but being a parent myself...that questioning comes from one thing.
the love for my child.

my son and i have a profound close relationship today.
he knows, he can come to me and talk about "anything"
and that...is what a parent is there for.
never judging...always loving.

if only we could see through our parents eyes...
have a kid...and you will

from what i gather...parents today are closed minded
they dont understand their kids.
its not about, trying to understand them
its about accepting everything about them...even their flaws.
its sad to see...parents are more disconnected, than their kids.
and i could go on and on...but

I agree with all this. Thats what drives me up the wall sometimes with people. They seem to think it makes them look weak or embarrasing to let others in on their problems. But they have a decent family/home life, and refuse to take advantage of it. It goes much deeper than they think but they dont see it that way. Some people dont even have any support or have their parents to talk to etc.


I guess when its gone they will realize this. SA isnt about stupid social bullshit its about knowing who loves you and whats important in your life, having goals and guidance.

 

[Richey]

depends on the sort of parents you have?

mine are so emotionally cold its so obvious. my dad only wants to know when the graduation ceremony is for my course and the results date, not how the course is going and what i've learnt, when i try to inform him he stops me mid sentence and says "i dont want to hear about it" ..which i find very odd . he's just difficult like that with me it seems. my mum simply follows dads opinion because she knows she can't win against him. i feel paranoid in their presence and i cant wait to move out but i dont earn enough money to rent. i work two days a week and study. i'm trapped. if i stay up past 11:00pm to work on homework my mum walks into the room with a condescending evil look in her. even after i explain to her why i'm up and that i'm old enough to make that decision it still doesnt make a difference ....

living with parents could work for many people but in my case its like living with the overly conservative headmasters who want to rule the world. i dont really connect with either of them either. they tend to be negative and cynical about everything in conversation and tone of voice that i often feel sick being around them for too long. my dad has no interests in anything and clearly hates his job. my mum has little hobbies and hangs about the house all day and they are still both high and mighty in a condescending way. .

cant wait to move out but can't afford it at the moment. so i'll take this opportunity for a roof over my head but i feel very uncomfortable in this environment....if you leave the newspaper open or a cup in the wrong place then i'll receive a lecture about how my life is falling apart ...true story. i believe this is partly responsible for my anxiety and caring what other people thinks all the time in stead of me feeling relaxed and living in the now. im constantly worried about the past and future while being in a haze of paranoia

the key sentence here is that my parents believe everyone else should behave like they do while living under the same roof. even though i pay board etc. if i sleep in then my dad just cant take that at all. he hates it if people sleep in past 9:00pm. i cant be independent.

can you imagine if i wanted to bring a girlfriend here? the cynicism and negative energy would be too overbearing. she'd probably run for the hills soon after.

its funny though how i go to my cousins house and their parents (auntie, uncle) are so relaxed and were hippies, joking left, right and center. they all seem so relaxed and living in the now and positive.

 

[releaseme]

depends on the sort of parents you have?

thats why i said...parents today are more disconnected than their kids.

yes, without a doubt, it sounds like you have very controlling parents.
instead of fighting them about it...see it for what it really is. their dysfunctional perception of their control over you. (real and not real)

they also come from a generation you dont understand. (no insult in that).
i say that simply because, the world today is NOT what it was 30 years ago.

i also agree with what you said about their behaviors towards you, having a root in your problems today.

if parents only realized, our kids are not perfect and may never be what we want them to be...

acceptance of who our kids are. not judgment for what they will never be.