Paranoia vs Madness vs Actual Fact

[redmatter]

I'm constantly bouncing between these states, never really understanding what's real. Based on previous outcomes it seems like actual fact, and that makes me intensely paranoid and anxious. So, I really need some perspective.

This is my attempt to understand people a little better and hopefully gain insight into just how mental I really am.

To make a long story short, apparently the cool kids at my new job found out about some of my not so great past, and things have been chilly ever since. You know, kids like that tend to group up and spread the message and imply they know things under their breath.

Well, today right when I'm at my lowest and feeling socially dead... this girl I walk by acts like she's shooting me with her fingers.

Now, my over-analytical brain immediately equates that with, "you're dead," Or, "got ya." Now considering the turmoil I'm in, and I've always been alienated, it was perfectly in step with my thoughts. How could I question it? It's clear that socially I'm dead, here was an action to prove it.

So, having given you the scenario, does that make me an extremely paranoid person or am I justified? Would a confident person just shoot back (which I did) or say something funny back and that's the end of it right there? Would they not even think twice? Is that a normal thing to do? I'm always on the edge as I say and it is really making my life a miserable one.

If that is what she meant, I don't know where to begin fixing it because nobody will talk to me directly. I just don't know how people do. If people imply something without saying it, do you call them out and ask them if they mean something by it? Or if there's something bothering them about you?

I never do because I fear being viewed as paranoid, and the activity getting worse since that's the way it's always been. In fact, I seem to be screwed keeping quiet and being polite, talking somewhat, or being loud and obnoxious. It doesn't matter. I have no idea how to deal with it all.

By the way, it's not so much that I care about what people are saying or if they're talking about me, it's primarily about the job.

 

[gustavofring]

Have you thought about quitting this job?

I'm not encouraging you to run away from your problems, but sometimes people can just be toxic to you. You need to remove them from your life in order to grow and work on self-improvement. Sometimes people know you too well, and their pre-determination of how you are, makes you feel down and you unconciously engage in self-destructive behavior.

It's easier said then done, because most people have no choice and have to keep their job. But its absolutely important to allign yourself and surround yourself with relationships that can nourish you.

Maybe it's best to first to find out what it is exactly. Is it in your head, or are people really taking the piss out of you.

 

[redmatter]

Have you thought about quitting this job?

They'll see me as a bloody pulp still trying to kick their jugular before I throw in the towel. I love this job. I'll stand my ground, I just need some help on how to.

I'm not encouraging you to run away from your problems, but sometimes people can just be toxic to you. You need to remove them from your life in order to grow and work on self-improvement. Sometimes people know you too well, and their pre-determination of how you are, makes you feel down and you unconciously engage in self-destructive behavior.

Not for this. I completely understand what you mean, but this problem has been following me around all my life. There's just something different about me. Self-destructive, sure. Yet, whether or not I act self-destructive I find myself in the same position. I try to be kind and friendly, they want something else from me that I'm not seeing. If this group is toxic, every group I've ever known is and something has to change here and now.

It's easier said then done, because most people have no choice and have to keep their job. But its absolutely important to allign yourself and surround yourself with relationships that can nourish you.

So true.

Maybe it's best to first to find out what it is exactly. Is it in your head, or are people really taking the piss out of you.

They're pissing on me. I'm pretty sure. Because everything was nice and warm at one point, and then all of a sudden an ice storm.

Part of me wants to ask you know, is it just me or have things gotten chilly in here and why? But I'm afraid to come across paranoid, self-centered or delusional - even if I'm right.

See, I can't even read somebody fake pulling the trigger at me. It's some sort of event for me and I don't know if it's just the way people do sometimes. I can hear everybody from my past telling me I think too much.

 

[gustavofring]

I know how you feel, you're probably also very sensitive like me. I can relate to the over-analyzing part. I sometimes think out entire scenario's of what would I say in certain situations and therefore conversations often don't seem to flow naturally. Every conversation turns into a confrontation that way. I freeze up and come undone, and damn myself for it later for not coming across well or not picking up on signals.

And then I try to desperately cover myself up, by trying to act fakely over-confident which also leads to coming off as weird. And then come the feelings of paranoia as you notice people have been talking behind your back about you.

One important thing to realise is that everyone has fears and anxieties to a certain degree. Everyone wants to be taken seriously, wants to be allowed to have fun and feel relaxed. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this and not take myself and life too seriously.

If you love your job and want to keep it, then I suggest you keep standing ground. I wish I could give tips, but I have mostly the same problems, for which I too have not yet found the right path.

 

[Sora]

I'd personally just ask/talk. Regardless of it looking like I am being paranoid, I think it would be more "you are weird" or "you're confusing" than anything else. People often say to me I think of things in a weird way but I don't mind that.

At the end of the day if you want to know what is going on, ask!
Chances are in most cases people will answer you.

Hope this helps.