this_portrait
Well-known member
Lately, for weeks (maybe even over a month now; I haven't been keeping track), I've been overcome with paranoia about being the victim of a heinous crime (murder, rape, beaten, etc.) I fear this stuff happening in a more secluded area outside rather than in my own residence (though I've certainly had some paranoia about someone breaking in as well).
I think I know the reason why I've been feeling this way; in fact, it's for a few reasons: 1) unemployment for almost 4 months and fear of having nowhere to go (this might begin to recede, since I finally landed a full-time, well paid job this past Friday); 2) reading too much news online (it's the global news and conspiracy/doomsday theorists that have been scaring the shit out of me); and 3) the prospect of moving to a new apartment, in a new neighborhood, at the end of the month.
The whole mental experience has made me realize just how scared shitless I am of death. While it makes me want to really change and make the most of life and be successful, I can't help but think that I'm too young to be thinking about it. Much how I tried to really imagine the lights going out for good (and what happens after, if anything) a few weeks ago, I now keep imagining how it would feel to have severe pain/trauma inflicted on my body (example would be getting hit by a car). My imagination of it pales in comparison to how it would ACTUALLY feel.
It's like a more adult, realistic version of the bogeyman. Living in the murder capitol of the country certainly doesn't ease the anxiety, even though the overwhelming majority of those murders are gang-related and almost always confined to certain neighborhoods. I've been living here for almost 8 years now, and the closest I've ever experienced to a crime was an ATTEMPTED (and unarmed) mugging, ironically in one of the most expensive neighborhoods of the city. Still, I worry about things escalating to the point where no one is really that safe.
I'm very relieved to have finally gotten a job, because after I pay off a good portion of my credit card debt, I intend on setting aside some cash for a CCL license (and the courses needed to obtain it) and some cheap Krav Maga classes. It's been years since I last had any martial arts training (a good chunk of it was useless, though), and though I have a tendency to turn into a complete aggressive nutcase when I feel threatened, I think I would possibly not feel as scared if I was even a little bit stronger physically. I hate having to wait for that money to be saved up; I want to start right now.
Does anyone have any advice on how to stop thinking about these things so much? It seems like even when I try to avoid reading news, the thoughts still invade my mind. I remember my psychiatrist mentioning an non-addictive anti-anxiety medication you can take every day, and it's starting to look really appealing lately. Klonopin can only help so much, and Wellbutrin does nothing for it (just keeps my depression at bay). I just want to go back to a calmer state of mind, unafraid (but still cautious) of any creeping dangers around me.
I think I know the reason why I've been feeling this way; in fact, it's for a few reasons: 1) unemployment for almost 4 months and fear of having nowhere to go (this might begin to recede, since I finally landed a full-time, well paid job this past Friday); 2) reading too much news online (it's the global news and conspiracy/doomsday theorists that have been scaring the shit out of me); and 3) the prospect of moving to a new apartment, in a new neighborhood, at the end of the month.
The whole mental experience has made me realize just how scared shitless I am of death. While it makes me want to really change and make the most of life and be successful, I can't help but think that I'm too young to be thinking about it. Much how I tried to really imagine the lights going out for good (and what happens after, if anything) a few weeks ago, I now keep imagining how it would feel to have severe pain/trauma inflicted on my body (example would be getting hit by a car). My imagination of it pales in comparison to how it would ACTUALLY feel.
It's like a more adult, realistic version of the bogeyman. Living in the murder capitol of the country certainly doesn't ease the anxiety, even though the overwhelming majority of those murders are gang-related and almost always confined to certain neighborhoods. I've been living here for almost 8 years now, and the closest I've ever experienced to a crime was an ATTEMPTED (and unarmed) mugging, ironically in one of the most expensive neighborhoods of the city. Still, I worry about things escalating to the point where no one is really that safe.
I'm very relieved to have finally gotten a job, because after I pay off a good portion of my credit card debt, I intend on setting aside some cash for a CCL license (and the courses needed to obtain it) and some cheap Krav Maga classes. It's been years since I last had any martial arts training (a good chunk of it was useless, though), and though I have a tendency to turn into a complete aggressive nutcase when I feel threatened, I think I would possibly not feel as scared if I was even a little bit stronger physically. I hate having to wait for that money to be saved up; I want to start right now.
Does anyone have any advice on how to stop thinking about these things so much? It seems like even when I try to avoid reading news, the thoughts still invade my mind. I remember my psychiatrist mentioning an non-addictive anti-anxiety medication you can take every day, and it's starting to look really appealing lately. Klonopin can only help so much, and Wellbutrin does nothing for it (just keeps my depression at bay). I just want to go back to a calmer state of mind, unafraid (but still cautious) of any creeping dangers around me.
