outside input wanted

[dottie]

i was hoping to get some input on a family fued.

to give a little background, my brother (27) has basically shut me and our family out of his life. the only means of communication we are granted *eyeroll* is facebook even though he lives like 10 minutes away. we make attempts to call but he ignores them. i rarely ever talk to him on facebook but when he posts i see it on my wall.

so he posted that he was bummed about working overtime. his wife made a comment referring to his old job, something along the lines of, "you would be making more money and be home with your wife and baby, but unfortunately no one taught you as a child that good comes from working through the bad. now you are learning it on your own as an adult. oh, is that too intense to post on facebook?"

this made me mad. it's like she was cutting down my brother and cutting down my family for the way he was raised! since her comment ended with a question i said, "yes, that was unnecessary and f*cking rude." i am usually very quiet and mild-mannered but her comment enraged me. i am tired of their sh*ttalking. i also sent my brother a private message that said, "i don't like the way she cuts you down, i don't like the way she cuts our family down. not cute."

my brother went off on me saying that she was just joking, to pull the stick out of my *ss, and called me a dumb f*ck. i asked him why he was being so hateful and he just said, "delete!" wow.

so was i totally out of line? her comment did not at all sound jocular, especially the way it was poised with the question, "is this too intense for facebook?" i answered her question.

was i out of line?
am i out of line to feel like she is insulting my brother and my family?

i might feel inclined to apologize but the way he cussed me out, i feel like he owes me an apology.

if you have read this far: thanks! sometimes i just don't know if i am being irrational and i need outside perspective.

 

[coyote]

Her comment was definitely too intense for Facebook - what a b-i-t-c-h.

Hard to say whether she meant it as an insult to your family or just your brother.

Oh well, his punishment is that he has to live with her.

 

[Loudog]

The old me would say f*ck em, if they don't want to see you guys anymore and all they do is talk sh*t. But the new me would say you only live once and he is your brother and you love him who cares who was right or wrong, just .apologize, and keep trying to talk to them, they'll come around.

 

[dottie]

thanks for the input. now i don't feel so crazy! haha usually i think things through before reacting but this was just immediate rage.

i am a little torn about how i reacted. on one hand i am disappointed in myself for saying anything as i do not want to be someone who perpetuates negativity. on the other hand i am glad i stood up for my family and standing up for something is not the same as perpetuating negativity. my only regret is using the eff-word. so upon further thought, i feel it's unnecessary to apologize when i was simply standing up for my family.

apparently my brother's wife sent an email to my mom apologizing. my mom didn't even see the post; they deleted it before then. but it is a nice gesture on her part.

it would be nice if my brother apologized to me for cussing me out but that's not going to happen.

 

[PunkRotten]

Just sounds like your brother cant stand up to his wife. His wife runs the show. I know several people with GFs/wives like this. You and your family just need to accept that hes with his wife now and shes his boss. Theres really nothing you can do. I mean, do you care all that much after all the crap and time its been like this? Has to come a point where you let it all go. Let them live their life. IMO, you are better off not in their drama.


And to answer your question, no you werent out of line. The problem is not you, its your brother and his wife. It doesnt sound like a good marriage at all.

 

[PunkRotten]

thanks for the input. now i don't feel so crazy! haha usually i think things through before reacting but this was just immediate rage.

i am a little torn about how i reacted. on one hand i am disappointed in myself for saying anything as i do not want to be someone who perpetuates negativity. on the other hand i am glad i stood up for my family and standing up for something is not the same as perpetuating negativity. my only regret is using the eff-word. so upon further thought, i feel it's unnecessary to apologize when i was simply standing up for my family.

apparently my brother's wife sent an email to my mom apologizing. my mom didn't even see the post; they deleted it before then. but it is a nice gesture on her part.

it would be nice if my brother apologized to me for cussing me out but that's not going to happen.

Can I as yoiu something? IS your brother and his wife the type that mooch off others? Like do they always have their hand out and want people to give them money or favors? Do they only make contact just for these reasons, and after they get what they want, they disappear?

 

[dottie]

thanks for your words. you are right about his wife running the show! that's on them. i've let it go, figuring he will come around if/when he comes around. but i won't stand for degrading remarks about my family on facebook. come on.

Can I as yoiu something? IS your brother and his wife the type that mooch off others? Like do they always have their hand out and want people to give them money or favors? Do they only make contact just for these reasons, and after they get what they want, they disappear?

as far as i know they are self sufficient. but then again they live a few doors from her parents and i'm not sure to what extent they ask her family for help. i know they are over all the time.

 

[Tiercel]

If she tends to joke around a lot on Facebook, then you could have overreacted to this one post.

But if your brother chooses to live with her, that's his problem.

 

[treasure77]

Hi I totally understand where your coming from about TMI on facebook. Unfortunately I am guilty of venting on facebook too, and at times I have to think about who is on my friends list and who will be reading what I post.
She was out of line putting that out there for all to read. I agree that was a degrading remark about your brother and your family all in one fail swoop. The fact that she posted that on facebook knowing that your family would read it was most likely on purpose. The motives behind it would only be know to her. Your best bet to resolve this is meeting her in a neutral place like a coffee shop and and having a civil conversation as to why she posted it and why you were hurt by it.
I will be honest with you I identify with her a bit on the whole trying to help your husband grow and overcome the mistakes all parents make while raising their children. My husband and his family put the "D" in dysfunctional so we run into issues every now and again but thats all part of married life. Granted I would NEVER EVER post those issues on facebook so blatantly blasting them like she did. Again I would like to say all parents make mistakes so its not saying your parents or even my husbands parents are bad people. At least they were around and that's more then I can say for mine. So needless to say I'm a barrel of laughs myself...lol.
I also want to give you props for looking for other ppls perspectives on your issue. It shows your open to resolving this with sis in law and bro. I will tell you from experience with difficult sis in laws. If you want a relationship with your brother and his kid she is a package deal too. When I first got back into my brothers life he was married with a kid. I didn't like his wife and yet I still wanted to be in his life so I found a way to be around her. Now I love her like a sister and wouldn't trade her in for anything. I just had to accept her and try to find common ground and get to know her. Is it possible your resentment for her is part of the reason you don't talk to him?
Okay sorry if I over stepped my bounds but its early and I haven't slept yet so I'm a little loopy..lol. Good luck and I will pray for u and your bro that you find a way to be in each others lives. As a pp stated u only live once.

 

[dottie]

If she tends to joke around a lot on Facebook, then you could have overreacted to this one post.

she does joke around occasionally... maybe i overreacted it seemed so snide and tactless that i just did not see any humor in it.

Hi I totally understand where your coming from about TMI on facebook. Unfortunately I am guilty of venting on facebook too, and at times I have to think about who is on my friends list and who will be reading what I post.
She was out of line putting that out there for all to read. I agree that was a degrading remark about your brother and your family all in one fail swoop. The fact that she posted that on facebook knowing that your family would read it was most likely on purpose. The motives behind it would only be know to her. Your best bet to resolve this is meeting her in a neutral place like a coffee shop and and having a civil conversation as to why she posted it and why you were hurt by it.
I will be honest with you I identify with her a bit on the whole trying to help your husband grow and overcome the mistakes all parents make while raising their children. My husband and his family put the "D" in dysfunctional so we run into issues every now and again but thats all part of married life. Granted I would NEVER EVER post those issues on facebook so blatantly blasting them like she did. Again I would like to say all parents make mistakes so its not saying your parents or even my husbands parents are bad people. At least they were around and that's more then I can say for mine. So needless to say I'm a barrel of laughs myself...lol.
I also want to give you props for looking for other ppls perspectives on your issue. It shows your open to resolving this with sis in law and bro. I will tell you from experience with difficult sis in laws. If you want a relationship with your brother and his kid she is a package deal too. When I first got back into my brothers life he was married with a kid. I didn't like his wife and yet I still wanted to be in his life so I found a way to be around her. Now I love her like a sister and wouldn't trade her in for anything. I just had to accept her and try to find common ground and get to know her. Is it possible your resentment for her is part of the reason you don't talk to him?
Okay sorry if I over stepped my bounds but its early and I haven't slept yet so I'm a little loopy..lol. Good luck and I will pray for u and your bro that you find a way to be in each others lives. As a pp stated u only live once.

thanks for such a thoughtful response! you haven't overstepped any bounds! i've actually never felt resentment toward her until lately. it's been slowly building up. it's not the reason we have not been in contact. the lack of contact is kind of the reason for the recent resentment. i have made efforts to contact them and meet up but they always blow me off. i am a peaceful person, if they want their space they can have it. but now that she has publicly made a comment about my family i have lashed out. i won't stand by and say nothing when someone bashes my family.

i can totally appreciate that she would want my brother to better himself. he is working his ass off. i just find it tactless of her to "joke" about our upbringing. like hers is perfect. blah i need to get to bed.

 

[treasure77]

but now that she has publicly made a comment about my family i have lashed out. i won't stand by and say nothing when someone bashes my family.

i can totally appreciate that she would want my brother to better himself. he is working his ass off. i just find it tactless of her to "joke" about our upbringing. like hers is perfect. blah i need to get to bed.

Yeah I totally would have done the same thing in your situation, and if I didn't do it I would've been wishing I had...lol. My family isn't perfect and I had a similar rumble with my sis in law a few weeks back because of some well placed disses on my mom and me in front of other ppl. Turned out she was feeling bad about the turn out at her party, and was taking it out on us. Not an excuse, but once I thought about how she must have felt I mellowed out. Once I told my bro about it, and how it hurt my feelings he apologized for her and said he would talk to her.
I could take the dis on myself but not my mom. She (my mom) had lots of problems when we were younger that made it difficult for her to raise us but she always stayed in our lives. She has come a long way and I now strive to be more like her in many ways and when I see someone trying to hurt her no matter who they are they had better think twice about it. I'm glad I talked to my bro first because for the rest of the night at her party I was shooting daggers her way with my eyes. She was lucky she escaped the tongue lashing I was planning on giving her as soon as she was alone..lol.
So needless to say I probably would have reacted the same exact way...lol.
Oh and good night

 

[dottie]

Yeah I totally would have done the same thing in your situation, and if I didn't do it I would've been wishing I had...lol. My family isn't perfect and I had a similar rumble with my sis in law a few weeks back because of some well placed disses on my mom and me in front of other ppl. Turned out she was feeling bad about the turn out at her party, and was taking it out on us. Not an excuse, but once I thought about how she must have felt I mellowed out. Once I told my bro about it, and how it hurt my feelings he apologized for her and said he would talk to her.
I could take the dis on myself but not my mom. She (my mom) had lots of problems when we were younger that made it difficult for her to raise us but she always stayed in our lives. She has come a long way and I now strive to be more like her in many ways and when I see someone trying to hurt her no matter who they are they had better think twice about it. I'm glad I talked to my bro first because for the rest of the night at her party I was shooting daggers her way with my eyes. She was lucky she escaped the tongue lashing I was planning on giving her as soon as she was alone..lol.
So needless to say I probably would have reacted the same exact way...lol.
Oh and good night

did she apologize? i hope she did and not just him!

 

[dottie]

UPDATE not that anyone cares, just venting really, but... later that night i sent my brother a message on facebook:

when someone insults my family i will call them out. it is hurtful to me. it is hurtful when my brother continues to cuss me out and name call. "pull the stick out of your *ss," "dumb f*ck," seriously? do you think it is acceptable to speak to people like that? you are 27 years old. i expected more from you.

nothing since then, but tonight i noticed both he and his wife have unfriended me. nice.

so while she apologized to my parents for her comment- they cuss me out and cut me off? this makes her apology to my parents seem insincere! my parents didn't even see her message. if they're apologizing to anyone it should be me because i did see the message cutting my family down and then they continued to cuss me out.

this makes me sad that my brother could care less about me. he couldn't care if i am dead or alive. what is especially sad is now i will never be able to see my nephew- not that they ever let anyone from my family see him (more on that in a minute). oh well, now it is definite that i am never going to get to see him.

honestly, they are not the kind of people i want in my life except for the fact i would like to see my nephew. they are so negative and hostile. and i don't just mean the kind of negativity that is internal and aimed inward. it is vindictive hostility they shoot at other people in passive aggressive ways to bring other people down. they talk so much crap about people behind their backs, then turn and smile to their face. it's two-faced. it's dirty, cold, and pretty much evil. it makes me sad that they are this way but i can't change them.

like i was saying, they have not let anyone from my family meet their baby. who doesn't let their own family meet their baby, even after 9 months?! they have only let my mom, dad, and i meet him on a few occasions. all of my other relatives wonder why they can't meet the baby. yet her family sees the baby all the time, including great aunts and such. wtf.

it's like his wife and her family have brainwashed my brother to hate the world. instead of feeding him with ideas that would inspire growth and maturation as a person, they instigate thoughts of animosity.

it is just so disappointing how warped and negative people can be. i am a good person and i try not to infringe on anyone. i've never spoken of any of these things. i keep to myself, don't start trouble. i am only saying it here because i need to vent.

i will not stand for them publicly talking crap about my family, though. and if they are going to name call, cuss me out, and cut me off- so be it.