no idea whats wrong with her...

[durda_dan]

my girlfriend has some sort of mental problem, maybe bi polar, maybe something else. i'm not sure, point is. she becomes super angry at a hair trigger.
and then she gets angry all day.
she often gets angry. i love her and i want to be with her. but i can't handle her temper problems. when she gets angry, she throws things, screams, blames everyone else (usually me) for anything that she doesn't like, and sometimes cries.
like today i dind't put my bag on the coat rack like a usually do, i put it hanging off the back of my chair.
that was enough to start the problems.
then she goes from that, to why my closet had a shirt that wasn't hanged. , and from there she went on to how "I" let our new dog teddy bite her headphone cables and break them. then she went on our computer and she blamed me for deleting her blue tooth application. (by the way our computer is in chinese and i didn't delete anything that i wouldn't know what it is)

and last week her phone got a virus and stopped working, she blamed me for that too. (although LG said it was a virus from her music she downloaded) also my fault. and it is like this almost every week. for 2 years now.....
i can't handle this. she is the only reason i am still in shanghai. i don't know what to do. if she doens't want to be with me, i will take the next plane out of the city.......

 

[Liberty]

my girlfriend has some sort of mental problem, maybe bi polar, maybe something else. i'm not sure, point is. she becomes super angry at a hair trigger.
and then she gets angry all day.
she often gets angry. i love her and i want to be with her. but i can't handle her temper problems. when she gets angry, she throws things, screams, blames everyone else (usually me) for anything that she doesn't like, and sometimes cries.
like today i dind't put my bag on the coat rack like a usually do, i put it hanging off the back of my chair.
that was enough to start the problems.
then she goes from that, to why my closet had a shirt that wasn't hanged. , and from there she went on to how "I" let our new dog teddy bite her headphone cables and break them. then she went on our computer and she blamed me for deleting her blue tooth application. (by the way our computer is in chinese and i didn't delete anything that i wouldn't know what it is)

and last week her phone got a virus and stopped working, she blamed me for that too. (although LG said it was a virus from her music she downloaded) also my fault. and it is like this almost every week. for 2 years now.....
i can't handle this. she is the only reason i am still in shanghai. i don't know what to do. if she doens't want to be with me, i will take the next plane out of the city.......

To me that sounds like "constant criticism" emotional abuse. You aren't filling all of her needs, emotional or otherwise, so you are constantly criticized for seemingly trivial reasons.

 

[guessed]

the behavior is emotional abuse for sure, but the cause may be bipolar like you suspect. if she's having violent mood swings it doesnt matter what you say or do, she'll blow up anyway. if she's in a calm mood none of it would even phase her.

maybe write her a letter telling her that you love her but you can no longer take the way things are going and you'll only stick around if she agrees to get help.

 

[Flo]

you might also want 2 encourage her to go to counseling, but if it IS bipolar (which i have), then its not going to get any better for you until she seeks some sort of medical help...if u can wait it out, great... if not, u've got to move on for your own sanity's sake!

 

[durda_dan]

the behavior is emotional abuse for sure, but the cause may be bipolar like you suspect. if she's having violent mood swings it doesnt matter what you say or do, she'll blow up anyway. if she's in a calm mood none of it would even phase her.

maybe write her a letter telling her that you love her but you can no longer take the way things are going and you'll only stick around if she agrees to get help.

she is afraid to seek help. she doesn't think anything is wrong.
i can't handle this situation much longer. it's driving me insane.

 

[Bar-AKA-Redzer]

Pms..........?

 

[durda_dan]

Pms..........?

like pms every day for 2 years.

 

[releaseme]

definitely emotional abuse.

you say this has been going on for two years?

my question is this...are the two of you able to have deep rooted conversations?
the ones where there are no walls between you.

i suspect something in her past is causing this...and you just dont know about it yet, except for the obvious abusive behaviors.

this may be too personal but...how old are the two of you?

 

[Bar-AKA-Redzer]

ohh well then no. Hmm maybe she just an angry person, Sit down and talk to her and tell her that she is hurting you by carring on this way. You need to let her know that its not good for your relationship and it will tear you apart if it is not resloved. Sit her down and talk to her about how she makes you feel when she goes on like this.

 

[durda_dan]

definitely emotional abuse.

you say this has been going on for two years?

my question is this...are the two of you able to have deep rooted conversations?
the ones where there are no walls between you.

i suspect something in her past is causing this...and you just dont know about it yet, except for the obvious abusive behaviors.

this may be too personal but...how old are the two of you?

i am 22 she is 20

 

[releaseme]

22 & 20

please dont take this the wrong way...the two of you have a long way to go.

communication is the key to a successful relationship.
you can debate things, without arguing over them.
the MORE you know about each other? the better the two of you will get along.

her behaviors are being created by something.
it could be you, but i dont think they are
at that age, i doubt she would have any idea how to address things she'd rather not talk about and that is what sets off her explosions towards you.

how intimate are the two of you? and i dont mean sexually. i'm speaking emotionally. will she talk about "anything" with you? that includes her past.

i'll give you an example.
i dated a woman for about 3 years, not long ago. she was a "cutter" and i thought it was me that was causing her to cut. come to find out, she had been sexually molested as a child and her emotional pain from that, created things I didn't understand. those were things i didn't see at the beginning. the behaviors you described, she had as well and were rooted in her years of being sexually molested.

some how, some way, you need to communicate, peacefully with each other.
who gives a crap about a shirt not hung up? obviously, it sets her off.
something is deeply rooted in that behavior.
being 20, it's going to be a challenge for both of you not to lose your tempers in that process of communicating.
it's not something that can be solved overnight or in one conversation.
it may take months, or longer.

it's your love. it's your choice. you can walk. or you can talk.

when was the last time there was any romance between the two of you?

 

[durda_dan]

well... she was date raped, that could be it. but her father told me she has been angry like this since she was young. romance. it a little dead sometimes. i'm not quite sure really. i don't often feel horny much either because my OCD i cannot get arroused,. although she gets arroused easily, that might cause some tension..... i don't know. i feel like i can't handle this stuff too much longer...

 

[Noca]

Sounds like borderline personality disorder to me.

 

[releaseme]

you feeling overwhelmed is totally understandable. she's dealing with internal things you dont understand. and that is where you are being tested.

you're walking around on eggshells. not fun and that alone creates the lack of sexual desire, however, if she is sexually aroused and not satisfied, that also creates frustration, that I am sure neither of you recognize.

do you know how to create a relaxing atmosphere? candles, incense or oils? stuff like that? is that possible in your situation?

there is a time to talk about the more intimate things, and just after work is not the time to have those conversations, especially when your digging up roots.

are you able to get away for a few days from each other? just to breathe a little.

since you already know she doesn't like you doing certain things, then don't do those things that set her off. they are childish yes, but your dealing with emotions you are not aware of, and you need to show her, you care how she feels...regardless of how childish it may seem. if she is important to you, and you are in love with her, help her, dont fight her behaviors.

she may not be able to pull those emotions out, as easy as you can. if she was date raped, date or no date, then she was raped, period. has she seeked any counseling for being raped? i would start there. it would also be good for you to do a little research on what women go through after being raped so that you too understand what's happening inside her, the emotions. i spent months on a forum with other people who self injure and i learned many things. things i wished i had known before it was too late.

relationships are hard enough, especially when there are traumatic events in our past that create abusive behaviors. the ones we never see, until its too late. talking about those things, has a profound way of releasing that pain, instead of taking it out on a loved one.

baby steps...got to crawl before you can walk.

 

[releaseme]

you also said...her father said she's had anger issues since she was young. there could be a chemical imbalance going on, and as she ages, it's getting worse. a visit to a doc could fix that.

you're with her for a reason.
you have the choice of finding that reason again, or, not.

 

[durda_dan]

you also said...her father said she's had anger issues since she was young. there could be a chemical imbalance going on, and as she ages, it's getting worse. a visit to a doc could fix that.

you're with her for a reason.
you have the choice of finding that reason again, or, not.

i told her " i love you, i am your boyfriend i want to help you, we got wedding rings because i want to be with you. But if you won't try to calm down, you can't stop yelling, can't stop being like this. then i will go back to canada, and leave you in china." i felt bad saying it, because i really do love her.

but i can't help thinking how it will be when we get married. how it will be when we live in canada. and how it will affect our future children to always have an angry mom... i hope she can change, i hope everything will go back to the way it was before. when i first met her her temper deffinately wasn' hair triggered. but her father warned me of her temper a long time ago, now i see it.
i want to help me. i hope she will allow me to help her too.

 

[Noca]

i told her " i love you, i am your boyfriend i want to help you, we got wedding rings because i want to be with you. But if you won't try to calm down, you can't stop yelling, can't stop being like this. then i will go back to canada, and leave you in china." i felt bad saying it, because i really do love her.

but i can't help thinking how it will be when we get married. how it will be when we live in canada. and how it will affect our future children to always have an angry mom... i hope she can change, i hope everything will go back to the way it was before. when i first met her her temper deffinately wasn' hair triggered. but her father warned me of her temper a long time ago, now i see it.
i want to help me. i hope she will allow me to help her too.

you went to China to live with her???

 

[releaseme]

i want to help me. i hope she will allow me to help her too.

examine what you said.
you cannot help her.
you cannot carry her hope for her.
SHE has to take THAT step herself. and it may take time for THAT to happen.
forcing someone to examine themselves, only pushes them away and shuts them down further towards you.
the only thing you can do is be by her side supporting her, even if you don't understand the "what" and "why" to her problems.

you have to decide if your love for her is strong enough and worth the ride.

think about this...now that you "see" her anger issues, are you going to bail? or stick with her? how would you feel, if you got dumped because of your flaws? her behaviors are rooted in something. those behaviors ARE correctable. only she knows what that root is. digging it up will be painful, for both of you, in completely different ways.

i too lived in another country for love...so i do understand the boat you're in.
it's definitely not an easy decision to make.
and if you do decide to go back home...will you regret that decision?

 

[Remus]

SHe's been raped and from someone who has been there himself, I can tell you it is not bi-polar, I spent much of my 20's angry at the world, a couple of bad relationships did not help.

I see you care but do you care enough to go the distance? Rape leaves awful scars, I'm guessing it is recent (i.e. within 5 years) I highly recommend a councellor though I'm not exactly sure what kind of help they get like that in china, might be worth looking into.

Relationship wise be patient, be romantic, often give re-assurance, sex is not neccesary but hugs are, warmth and gentleness make a difference, how about cook her a meal, take her places....suprises????

I would be firm with her but not in the "I'm going back home" ultimatum type way

 

[pjc104]

durda, your a smart guy...... you did the right thing