no friends?

[LotRfan]

I have been social phobic for ages now, and i've always found it hard to make friends with people, and because i found it hard to make conversation, i mean i will answer to people if they talk to me, but i can't carry on with the conversation and make it longer like if someone says "Hi, how are you?" i'll just say "I'm ok" and thats it, and i wish i could say "How are you too?" but it don't come out, i can't say it, i sometimes think whether the person is thinking why is she asking me how i am, nosy ol' c*w or something like that. So i just leave it, and wait until they answer their own question, or it's just left and they don't tell me, so they know how i am, but I don't know how they are coz i didn't ask, and then it's like when theres a bunch of people (at the college i used to go to) who are out-going and they just join in with others conversations. i get uncomfortable around them and i can't force myself to say anything to them. i just stand there and wait until they ask me what i think of the film they are talking about (or person anything etc)
I've got people say to me "Why don't you talk?" or "LotRfan's (they would use my RL name though) got a sore throat (and i would obviously know why they are saying that, it's because i'm not talking to them so they just say i've got a sore throat when i haven't really.) and i can't force myself to say "No actually i haven't, i just don't know what to say that's all" or something.
It's abit embaressing to say this as most of the people i've spoken to through MSN or on forums mention and have friends but i don't obviously let them know i don't, i just don't mention it. and make it as if i do have friends but just don't have anything to say about them. So i don't have friends and i blame that on my social phobia, i haven't spoken to anyone long enough to become my friend, and i don't really know how to tell someone "Do you want to be my friend?" etc. I get kinda Jealous when my online friends mention they've been out with their RL friends today when i've been in the house and just been on forums and talking with other online friends, or doing others things. If i want to go out somewhere i can't phone a friend and ask them if they want to come, i go with my mum and dad, or don't go at all. So i have no social life. I'm worried i'm to only one in the whole world who hasn't got no friends not even a best friend. I did have lots of friends when i was at middle school and first school i was quite popular then. but it was when i went to secondary school, i got bullied and i started to hide away at breaktimes/lunchtimes so i lost my only friend who went to the same school as me and ended up with none and having trouble making more.

am i the only one who has no friends? coz of social phobia
and i don't understand why most shy people i know still have friends when they are shy? [/i]

 

[lawyerguy]

Hi Lotrfan

I know how you feel. I"m isolated in this little community I live in and I have no friends either. I can relate. its rather lonely.

 

[silverwolf]

I'm worried i'm to only one in the whole world who hasn't got no friends not even a best friend. I did have lots of friends when i was at middle school and first school i was quite popular then. but it was when i went to secondary school, i got bullied and i started to hide away at breaktimes/lunchtimes so i lost my only friend who went to the same school as me and ended up with none and having trouble making more.

This is what happened to me. I think it's the bullying experience which makes it difficult for us to have friends. As you say shy people and even other social phobics have friends. We have negative expectations of people because we were treated badly in the past. We think that if we open our mouth people will criticise us and we guard ourselves by adopting the safety behaviour of not saying anything. I think we have to try to change our thinking by trying to speak. Then we will find out that in 99% of cases we will not be criticised or treated badly. Then we will become less fearful and more extroverted.

visit this site

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/PTO-19950901-000020.htm

below is an extract from the article I felt this really applied to my situation and one thing I've learned is that I'd rather die than let people push me around.

Just as certain as there will always be a bully around, victimization can lead to a host of social-psychological difficulties. No one likes a bully, but no one likes a victim either. The failure -- or inability -- of victims to stick up for themselves seems to make other kids highly uncomfortable. After all, says Ladd, "part of growing up is learning how to stick up for yourself." Gradually, whipping boys become more and more isolated from their peers. While bullying is painful, it is the social isolation that probably is most damaging to victims. An emerging body of research shows that social isolation, to say nothing of active rejection, is a severe form of stress for humans to endure. And rejection deprives these kids of the very opportunities they need to acquire and practice social competence.

Victims are rejected not only by the bullies but typically by other peers as well. Few children like them; many dislike them. In answering questionnaires they confide they are very lonely. They typically develop a negative view of school and hate going. They suffer headaches, stomachaches, and other somatic complaints. "We ask them how they feel in school," Ladd reports. "It's clear they're pretty unhappy. They want to get away from that environment." Eventually, achievement suffers. Regardless of their grades, a disproportionate number of rejected kids drop out of school. These children internalize the very negative views of themselves others hold of them, Olweus finds.

 

[shhhh]

me too, man

I'm 34 years old

the last friend I had was at the age of 12, and I no longer have the conception of what having or making a friend involves

my parents moved at least once a year when I was a kid, and they also split when I was 5, then I bounced back and forth between them while they continued to move at least once a year until I got kicked out of first my mom's then my dad's at the age of 15 (by the respective new step-parents)

and neither of my parents had any real friends or social life either

no stable relationships whatsoever, and no role models to show me how it's done

I lived with a woman for 9 years but I would not say we were every really friends, we never connected beyond our mutual interest in self-destruction

that sustained us for 4 years, then we had a child, that kept us together for the next 5, even tho by then we hated each other

 

[Angie_05]

LotRFan,

It's so funny that you posted that today because I was going to make a new post about the same thing. I have a few friends, but they are back in my hometown and I am a thousand miles away from them. Its hard to even hang out with them when I'm home because they have a lot of their own friends and I can never seem to get close with my friend's friends.

I am in a military town on the coast and I am so lonely. It is awesome here, but the only person I can share this with is my boyfriend. I don't think it's healthy for us to only have each other though, so I wish I had someone else. Everyone is telling me to get involved in something, but what? They make it sound sooo easy! I'm taking online classes and I work at home.

Anyone have any advice? I feel like such a kid..."Hey how do I make friends?" LOL.

 

[Richey]

Hey guys, its always important to remember that its so much easier to make friends if your atease with yourself. Its also easy to make friends with people who share a common interest with your tastes and or hobbies.
Lately I have felt very very disconnected from old friends form school and so lately i have been ignoring them because I know i feel like moving on, I just find my old friends very controlling and invasive, and they are two qualities that I find hard to deal with in a friendship group. Say If i dont want to go somewhere with them then I get a non-stop firing of insults coming my way and a wave of guilt.

I have a few friends who I dont see as often but at least they respect my decisions and my indipendance. Its hard finding new friends, but normally it happens when you leat expect it. At the same time solitude can be a glorious thing, you can learn to appreciate solitude and not think of it as lonelines so much as a chance to move forwards, its like "why the hell am i depending on everyone else to make me happy".
But its nice to have people to talk with that you feel comfortable around, that can be a rare occurence.

 

[Baseball07]

i see myself having this problem. in high school right now i have a lot of "friends", people i hang out with at school, talk in the halls with, but i never call to hang out outside of school. i dont know how i will make friends outside of high school if i am too scared to "be friends" with people i consider close acquatinces right now

 

[Septor]

Yea I never had any friends in the real world either.I never new how to make them.Not very healthy but when your as old as me it's hard to learn something you usually learn when your little.Just one more thing I have to work on.

 

[HELLO]

I have a couple of friends but I never really wanna hangout with them. :?

 

[JediKnight]

The used to have friends before age 11 until I got the SA at about 13. From that moment I had no social life at all except with my family. I spent my whole high school years being a loner. It was very hard for me to socialize and work in groups and I felt most comfortable when alone. I'm 18 now and looking forward to make some friends who share common interests.

 

[LotRfan]

does anyone know of any good conversation starters? coz i'm thinking of getting a job in a factory and i'm assuming people talk whilst they work, and i don't want to be all quiet i want to come out of myself and be able to say something without being uncomfortable and worry what they'll think, and getting stuck with what to say when there are ackward silences in the workplace, but then even when you suggest some good conversation starters i'm worried when i get in the job, i won't be able to actually get them out or that there might not be a time when i can ask the questions. And i can't just keep asking questions all the time, coz thats not really talking is it? and after i've asked them the questions and they're given me their answers i would'nt know what to say to them next.

 

[Clash]

I'm worried i'm to only one in the whole world who hasn't got no friends not even a best friend. I did have lots of friends when i was at middle school and first school i was quite popular then. but it was when i went to secondary school, i got bullied and i started to hide away at breaktimes/lunchtimes so i lost my only friend who went to the same school as me and ended up with none and having trouble making more.

This is what happened to me. I think it's the bullying experience which makes it difficult for us to have friends. As you say shy people and even other social phobics have friends. We have negative expectations of people because we were treated badly in the past. We think that if we open our mouth people will criticise us and we guard ourselves by adopting the safety behaviour of not saying anything. I think we have to try to change our thinking by trying to speak. Then we will find out that in 99% of cases we will not be criticised or treated badly. Then we will become less fearful and more extroverted.

visit this site

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/PTO-19950901-000020.htm

below is an extract from the article I felt this really applied to my situation and one thing I've learned is that I'd rather die than let people push me around.

Just as certain as there will always be a bully around, victimization can lead to a host of social-psychological difficulties. No one likes a bully, but no one likes a victim either. The failure -- or inability -- of victims to stick up for themselves seems to make other kids highly uncomfortable. After all, says Ladd, "part of growing up is learning how to stick up for yourself." Gradually, whipping boys become more and more isolated from their peers. While bullying is painful, it is the social isolation that probably is most damaging to victims. An emerging body of research shows that social isolation, to say nothing of active rejection, is a severe form of stress for humans to endure. And rejection deprives these kids of the very opportunities they need to acquire and practice social competence.

Victims are rejected not only by the bullies but typically by other peers as well. Few children like them; many dislike them. In answering questionnaires they confide they are very lonely. They typically develop a negative view of school and hate going. They suffer headaches, stomachaches, and other somatic complaints. "We ask them how they feel in school," Ladd reports. "It's clear they're pretty unhappy. They want to get away from that environment." Eventually, achievement suffers. Regardless of their grades, a disproportionate number of rejected kids drop out of school. These children internalize the very negative views of themselves others hold of them, Olweus finds.

Sorry to cut you down silver. But that is bullshit.

Going through highschool I have seen all different types of people make fun of me. The preppy kid who comes from a loving family. To the kid who comes from a not so wealthy family which is more like the type of person who would probably be a bully. It doesn't matter. Being a bully is entertaining and funny to them. They only do it when people are around to make others laugh. I'm not saying they're aren't bullies like the ones described in the article you posted. I'm just saying don't stick to one type of person. Because anyone is capable of it.

 

[silverwolf]

Hi Clash I agree with you actually anyone is capable of it. I think this article is just pointing out some of the character traits which may make some people more likely to bully others. Obviously people bully others for many different reasons often just for fun.

 

[scatmantom]

Bullying is so poorly handled in so many schools and its a real problem in the UK in my opinion. Im not a victim of serious bullying, but i have witnessed it in friends and relatives and the amount that teachers can and will do is pathetic. People are effected all thru life by the horrible experiences in childhood. I think that bullys should be given shock treatment...hit them with something very harsh a a young age so that they get a taste of thier own medicine and dont re-offend

thats just my opinion on it

 

[Clash]

That sort of issue is probably universal. It's no different in America

 

[Septor]

Most schools don't take bullying seriously.I remember once I was told that it was my fault because I let it affect me.When it come down to it it's the parents fault because a lot of parents don't see anything wrong with it or they just think that what kids do.

 

[outside_looking_in]

Hi LotRFan, good luck with the factory job plans! I've worked in an office for 12 years, some folks are quieter than others and people accept that ... in fact there are some people I don't speak to for months at a time literally! I always feel awkward when I do then need to go and speak to them, but they're always fine, after all they've not spoken to me for that long either
Conversation starters ... music, things in the news, or TV shows are the main ones at my work, it's worth watching something awful to be able to laugh about it next day. My mum, who was a special needs teacher, started watching Neighbours so she could talk to the kids about it ...

That or anything you're really interested in ... "Has anyone tried parascending/breeding terrapins/predicting the weather?..." There's nothing wrong with thoughtful questions--lots of people like to talk about themselves and nice ones will then say "and what about you?"

Superficial subjects are best til you get to know someone better ... I came seriously unstuck confiding everything in a girl when I first started here, only to discover she was confiding it all to the rest of the department! That set off probably my last really severe spell of SP. But she doesn't work there any more and it's all long forgotten about ... and I'm an awful lot more careful about what I say. :wink:

 

[Waybuloo]

Hey Lotrfan,

and everyone else. I'm from Singapore and I don't have any friends myself. I have only aquaintances. I'm stuck here.. real shitty.
I've been thinking of ****** lately but I try to be positive and look forward to everyday, but it's just real difficult. Right now i'm trying to find someone in Singapore who's also suffering from SAD. It's really taking the energy out of me and I'm real glad I came across this site that I heard from someone from another SAD site called www.socialanxietymatch.com. Jenna, a member, whom I believe is the creator of the site, is quite a positive SAD sufferer.. from reading her postings. anyways.. all the best to you guys in making friends.. and I sure wish I'd find someone having SAD too and just talk to them. That would make a real great present.

But then again, Thank God I've got my family who can understand and support.
Oh and do continue using relaxation exercises... but be patient with yourself and don't rush (or they won't work as well).

Hey Sketch, hey didn't take u long to come here, i'm da one who told u about it :wink: Good luck wif makin friends, i have a supportive family too, at least we're lucky in that area!
toodoos

 

[LotRfan]

ok, i've got a bit of an idea for some conversation starters, if/when i get a factory job, thanks outside_looking_in :wink:

I've got something else i want to say too though...Jealousy coz other people have friends and it makes me tick. Like my sister, i can't stand it when one of her friends phones her, and i like to keep away from her when she's on the phone coz when i hear my sister laughing, or shouting playfully at her friend i get a jealous feeling inside of me, coz i know i haven't and can't do that with someone. Same as if i hear my sister is going to go out with friends today, (like today she's gone with some friends on a bike ride) i get Jealous coz i know that she'll be having a great time, and probably making more friends whilst i'm at home, typing this on the computer. I get jealous when i hear another person's name that i haven't heard before in my sister's conversations, coz i know that she's getting on with another new person and she's made friends with him/her and that i can't do that coz i find it hard too. and sometimes i just tick and start saying something like "she's gay!" to my sister about her friend or "Why can't you just stay at home?" or something. And then my sister has started doing fencing with one of her friends for a few weeks and it gets me jealous coz i know that she's getting into sports and having a social life, and then when my sister has sleepovers and it's at our house, i can hear them having a great time, laughing, doing each other make-up and hair, haivng a mid-night feast and i get upset coz i can't do that.
I knew it's awful and that if i had my own social life i wouldn't care about what my sister is doing, coz i would do the same similiar things with my friends. I don't like getting like it, but coz i find it hard to mix and don't know how to go about it, i get jealous when others do. I'm sure most of you guys who don't have friends, get a tiny bit jealous when they see others or their siblings having a great time with their mates, and wishing that you could do it, but find it a struggle, right?

 

[Gloomy]

I have never had a real friend. When I was young I had a friend but we never had any serious conversations. I lost that friend when i was 12. Since then I don't even have acquaintances. I want to go out and make friends but I'm too scared to go anywhere by myself and I don't have anyone to go places with. So I just sit at home all day everyday. Recently I have been talking with people a lot online and making online friends. But I really need some real friends that I can meet in person and do things with.