No conversational skill is to blame for my social phobia
- Thread starter recluse
- Start date
proudmummy
Well-known member
hey i totally have the same problem and thats why i'm so worried about going out sometimes etc....
even last night with my boyfriend of 4 years , i didnt know what to say to him, so we hardly spoke and we never really have a good laugh together like most other couples, and other couples seem to be talking all the time about stuff where i'm so sure our relationship it basic talk like "how was work" reallly boring...then there nothing else to say. i'm soo suprised he puts up with me cos i'm so boring.
people think i'm boring and have nothing interesting in my life to talk about, when i'm sure theres a thousand things to talk about i just can't think about how to talk about it though, understand?
someone related to my son said to me the other day "we have absolutely nothing in common, to me your just *****'s mum" which i took really personally and can't stop thinking about it. she didnt mean it in a hurtful way as she was trying to get to know me better but thats not the point!
x
even last night with my boyfriend of 4 years , i didnt know what to say to him, so we hardly spoke and we never really have a good laugh together like most other couples, and other couples seem to be talking all the time about stuff where i'm so sure our relationship it basic talk like "how was work" reallly boring...then there nothing else to say. i'm soo suprised he puts up with me cos i'm so boring.
people think i'm boring and have nothing interesting in my life to talk about, when i'm sure theres a thousand things to talk about i just can't think about how to talk about it though, understand?
someone related to my son said to me the other day "we have absolutely nothing in common, to me your just *****'s mum" which i took really personally and can't stop thinking about it. she didnt mean it in a hurtful way as she was trying to get to know me better but thats not the point!
x
r80sgirl
Member
I can totally relate. My conversational skills are bad too. Like for example at my job, since I'm a cashier, I pretty much am told what to say ("hi", "would you like anything else", tell the customer his or her total, "thank you & have a nice day"). I know they are trying to be nice but I sometimes hate when customers try to make small talk because as much as I want it to feel "normal", it's not part of my "script" & I'm scared of saying something stupid. 
Also, even though I get along with all my co-workers, I prefer to work alone. They know how quiet I am, but sometimes I get the feeling they think I'm boring and "expect" me to conversate and keep them entertained, even though that's not my purpose for being there.
Like other people on here, I've had people say hurtful things to me that I can remember for years. My now ex-fiance told me that I have a plain and boring personality, which is not true; it's just really hard to express my full personality without feeling like I'm gonna be ridiculed.
Also, even though I get along with all my co-workers, I prefer to work alone. They know how quiet I am, but sometimes I get the feeling they think I'm boring and "expect" me to conversate and keep them entertained, even though that's not my purpose for being there.Like other people on here, I've had people say hurtful things to me that I can remember for years. My now ex-fiance told me that I have a plain and boring personality, which is not true; it's just really hard to express my full personality without feeling like I'm gonna be ridiculed.
toothpastekisses
Well-known member
......................
Last edited:
goofy
Member
I relate to many of these posts on this thread. The difference for me is that I was able to hook up with a very social lady and that has helped me tremendously. She is my crutch. When we are together socially, she keeps the conversation going, and its easier for me. However the tragedy is when she is not with me. THen I'm like a fish on dry land again. She asked me to go with her son camping for boy scouts. I turned it down because of the social reasons. But if it were with people I know and love of course i would do it. I hate this anxiety. I tried therapy/paxel once and it didn't do anything except give me sexual side affects! What is the solution?? I feel like there is none!! Do we have any experts without the anxiety on this forum that can help???
kuhtreen
Well-known member
VioletTears said:
Ah that is sooo true! The whole problem is that there is no possible way to say what is on your mind when the only thing you're thinking about is how uncomfortable you are. And that's totally the way it is with me. My mind blocks out anything that would be appropriate for conversation.
boro
Well-known member
I can relate to this having also been like this since childhood and my conversation skills haven't improved to be anything like id want now. Lack of experience is the main reason i think - not just talking but also freely expressing thoughts/opinions etc. I also think much of this comes from not picking up ways of communicating from other people. fear clouds everything in social situations so looking at the way someone handles a particular situation for instance and comparing it to how you or others would handle it, therefore building some sort of social perspective (for lack of a better word) in your mind doesnt happen instead its the fight or flight response and the self obsessed 'how am i doing' thoughts.
akele
Active member
i think the person who said about saying something immediately you think of it, has a good point. if you wait and think it over, the timing is wrong, also the tension might show in your voice. when something comes to your mind to say, that is the exact right time to say it, and it will work out well. the timing is the thing.
i agree that if you dont have any interest in the conversation, or dont have anything to say, its ok to say nothing. unless you can kind of GET interested in it, that is, if you want to be able to join in. if you're happy to remain quiet, thats fine too. why should we have to pretend, or try so hard to be what we are not?
i agree that if you dont have any interest in the conversation, or dont have anything to say, its ok to say nothing. unless you can kind of GET interested in it, that is, if you want to be able to join in. if you're happy to remain quiet, thats fine too. why should we have to pretend, or try so hard to be what we are not?
Sweatin_Bullets
Member
I feel like I could have written many of these posts, especially you recluse. I think that inside, I am a funny, intelligent guy that has tons to offer, but put me in in conversation with a group of people and I come across as "being too good", or boring because I just never know what to say (or it just takes too long for me to put it together). I am famous for my one or two word interjections. More than that and people will cut me off and interrupt me most of the time. Contributing a complete sentence in a conversation with people is very very rare for me. I am surprised I am not alcoholic, as when I am drunk and I let all my inhibitions go, I have a great time and talk alot more...What I just wrote here now, I could NEVER say outloud simply because I had the time to put it all together. If I had to say it outloud off the top of my head, you would turn me off after about 6 words or think I was a bumbling fool.
proudmummy
Well-known member
What DO people talk about!?
Whenever I listen to people talking i'm just like HOW DO YOU DO IT!? HOW DID YOU GET INTO THAT CONVO?!
Anyone know of any videos on the web about conversational skills?
I just had a childhood friend up who I used to be so relaxed with I used to like, pass wind, and everything in front of her!!! (lol too much info!!)... we literally sat there in silence most of the time or talking bout her, or cooing at my son and cooing over him - but then when it came to me I was like not knowing what to say! except we talked for about a minute about hair but theres only so much you can talk bout hair!! I know her interests etc but she can't realy talk too much about herself cos it seems weird, i'm not even that funny anymore.
Anywaaaaaay i'm gon have a drink!!!! then i'll talk aye!
Whenever I listen to people talking i'm just like HOW DO YOU DO IT!? HOW DID YOU GET INTO THAT CONVO?!
Anyone know of any videos on the web about conversational skills?
I just had a childhood friend up who I used to be so relaxed with I used to like, pass wind, and everything in front of her!!! (lol too much info!!)... we literally sat there in silence most of the time or talking bout her, or cooing at my son and cooing over him - but then when it came to me I was like not knowing what to say! except we talked for about a minute about hair but theres only so much you can talk bout hair!! I know her interests etc but she can't realy talk too much about herself cos it seems weird, i'm not even that funny anymore.
Anywaaaaaay i'm gon have a drink!!!! then i'll talk aye!
xabbashiax
Active member
not being able to talk is the main factor for me. The thing is i am truly a talkative person. when I am at home with my family i talk a lot and have interesting conversations and a fun personality. But it's soooooo hard for me to express myself and carry a conversation with people on the outside. I get so fustrated. It is really hard for me to talk for 30 seconds without loosing my train of thought or stuttering or not making sense it sounds like i've just learned the english language. I'm just scared to talk and it has really ruined my social life and kept me from getting to know so many people. I think people can be really patronising about it and think that you're dumb or not worth listening to.I have found however that It is easier talking on the phone to people than face to face you can practice with that, I can now almost be my true self when talking to people on the phone. and it does help getting more exposure to people. I decided with a girl at my college to be more honest and tell her about having anxiety also with a friend who lives round my close and it became so much easier to talk and express myself because instead of thinking that they were looking at me like this or like that. They knew that if i was acting weird it was due to my social anxiety and not me personally.
Not being able to talk when you know you can is sooooo fustrating it's like you're not able to do one of the most basic human things I understand how u feel.
Not being able to talk when you know you can is sooooo fustrating it's like you're not able to do one of the most basic human things I understand how u feel.
goofy
Member
kuhtreen said:
I think kuhtreen you nailed this right on the head. When I'm with my good friends, I can cut loose and not worry about a thing. and everything is fine with no worries along with good conversation. The minute I get with new faces, my entire personality changes. And like you said, I can't focus on anything other than my discomfort and I end up holding back on what I would normally say, and then I end up feeling like a loof.
shield
Well-known member
This is interesting because I used to have these thoughts.
You must here this:
You've got it all wrong. It's not your conversational skills that are causing social anxiety but your SA that is causing poor conversational skills. I can't stress this enough. We always think that we have faults which is what causes SA but in reality it is SA making us think we have faults. Just think, is there anyone you have good conversations with? If there is the only difference between them and strangers is you feel more comfortable with them. When you feel anxious you are unable to freely be yourself and this makes you unable to speak in a relaxed and free manner.
You must here this:
You've got it all wrong. It's not your conversational skills that are causing social anxiety but your SA that is causing poor conversational skills. I can't stress this enough. We always think that we have faults which is what causes SA but in reality it is SA making us think we have faults. Just think, is there anyone you have good conversations with? If there is the only difference between them and strangers is you feel more comfortable with them. When you feel anxious you are unable to freely be yourself and this makes you unable to speak in a relaxed and free manner.
Infected_Malignity
Well-known member
you're thinking too hard brotha! i used to think i had no skills in that department but all it takes is chillin' back and opening up to people. turns out, it's not hard to get people to like you. you don't even have to change much. just relax your posture, smile and start with the weather and work your way up. it's the art of NOT doing that you must master
Walk
Well-known member
I've improved on my conversation skills big time in the last two years.
I've found out that small talk goes a long way, seriously.
Just spark up a convo with anyone who isn't busy. Just talk about pretty much any little thing, and sometimes the convo flows out of that.
For example, when you're at school, just talk about how much your books cost while you're sitting next to someone, guy or girl. Snowball the conversation. I'm getting better at it, though I'll admit I don't really like talking to most people.
You don't have to be smiling too much when you talk, by the way.
I've found out that small talk goes a long way, seriously.
Just spark up a convo with anyone who isn't busy. Just talk about pretty much any little thing, and sometimes the convo flows out of that.
For example, when you're at school, just talk about how much your books cost while you're sitting next to someone, guy or girl. Snowball the conversation. I'm getting better at it, though I'll admit I don't really like talking to most people.
You don't have to be smiling too much when you talk, by the way.